Gaaah I FAIL AT PLAYING PIANO!!!

[lelle]

Hi there
Recently I had a concerto at a small castle. It was a small wooden room with old furniture etc. There were maybe 100 people listening.
On the porgramme was Beethoven moonlight sonata, Beethoven sonata no 9 op 14 no 1 and Chopin polonaise in F sharp minor op 44.

I FAILED THEM ALL!

The reasons?

1. I was nervous like hell (as usual).
2. At home I have piano that is pretty light, a tad lighter on the keys than a normal Steinway. However, in this castle I was supposed to play on a piano that was about 5 times (no exaggeration!) HEAVIER than a Steinway! Wow did I get tired? It was so extremely heavy so you can't imagine it without having tried it yourself.
3. When I fail, I get angry.

First I played the moonlight sonata, I am very happy with the first and second movements, and I was full of confidence when starting the third, even though I had noticed the piano was heavy. But the third movement became a mess! Some of the passagework in the right hand that is supposed to be played Presto I lost the tempo on and played Allegro instead, and it sounded horrible! It wasn't possible to concentrate on interpratation and I was barely able to get thorugh the piece.

This made me angry.

Then it was sonata no 9. Since it isn't very technically demanding I made it OK.  But since I was angry and frustrated, the piano heavy and my muscles tired I f-u-c-ked up a lot of passage work and my sound did sound like I wanted it to. It sounded very harsh when I played some parts.

This made me even angrier.

The it was time for the Polonaise... sigh... muscles tired, I am about as angry as I possibly can get. IT WAS A TOTAL FAILURE!!!! XL!!! At some part of the mazurka, for example, I played it so wrong that I just pounded the keys in anger for some seconds, IN front of 100 PEOPLE!! and then there is some passagework, a lot of sixteenth notes that goes up the piano right before the piece returns to the Polonaise part again (tempo di polacca) and I was so tired I didn't even manage to play them, I started the first one, realised I was too tired, and lifted my hands off the keys and just played the top notes. I love this piece, why did I have to fail??

Maybe I should hav epractised more? OH YEAH??? I had practised and prepared for MONTHS and I was SO PROUD of all of my interpretations, I was very happy with them... and then, on this nightmare piano in this nightmare castle... it seriously sounds like I haven't even been practising or maybe I have played the pieces for three weeks!! My confidence is totally ruined and I hate myself, my pianoplaying, everything...

IT IS SO DEPRESSING!!!! I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE!! I just wanna take an axe and trash my piano to pieces and never play piano anymore... I can't imagine that ANYONE EVER has done a bigger fail than I did that evening...

My girlfriend recorded the entire concerto on her cellphone (on my orders) so I can upload recordings for you... what good that ever will make... maybe you can listen and tell what went wrong?? Or I dont know... it doesnt feel like I care anymore... screw this sh*t

[pianowolfi]

Indeed it's a terrible experience to play on a piano with a too hard touch. You would need more time to play it before the concert, like starting three days before and play every of these three days only on this piano. I am happy to have a piano with a not so light touch, so the difference is not that big of a deal if I encounter a reluctant monster.

[dnephi]

It sounds like you weren't prepared enough.  Had you ever done practice runthroughs of the entire program? 
How much of your practicing was slow practice?
Do your hands and fingers get tired when you practice?
Is there a piano with heavier action on which you can practice from time to time?  At school, perhaps?

I'm terribly sorry about your horrible experience.  Don't give up the piano!

Daniel

[lelle]

Off course, I have practised the whole program. I have been playing all the pieces for several months (more than half a year, at least) and I do not get tired when I play at home, and I was very happy with how I played at home, the interpretations sounded like I wanted them to etc.
No, I haven't got access to a heavy piano, my home piano is about the same wieght as the school pianos (and slightly lighter than a steinway) but the piano at the castle was REALLY heavy.

But when I got tired and angry because I was tired and did mistakes I started doing more mistakes until everything just sounded like a mess... like I said, it sounded like I barely had practised. It was terribly difficult hitting the right keys with fingers like spaggetti and with all the problems with the heavy piano I had it was impossible to focus properly on interpretation, so everything just sounded like I just had learned it by heart or something and was still struggling with everything else, though I felt I was playing as good as I possibly could at a lighter piano.

[ramseytheii]

But when I got tired and angry because I was tired and did mistakes I started doing more mistakes until everything just sounded like a mess... like I said, it sounded like I barely had practised. It was terribly difficult hitting the right keys with fingers like spaggetti and with all the problems with the heavy piano I had it was impossible to focus properly on interpretation, so everything just sounded like I just had learned it by heart or something and was still struggling with everything else, though I felt I was playing as good as I possibly could at a lighter piano.

I once met an Hungarian pianist who studied back in the day at the Moscow Conservatory.  He told me a story of when he had to turn pages for Richter, who at this time was playing all his concerts with the score.  The concert opened with a selection of slow pieces of Liszt, the only title I remember is Ave Maria, but others like that, then there was the Franck Pr, Ch, and Fugue.

This pianist told me that Richter absolutely made a hash of the opening pieces.  There were wrong notes, he looked stressed and slightly disoriented at the piano, and it was basically a big mess.  After those, he took his bow and he and the page turner went backstage before the Franck.  This pianist described to me how Richter started grumbling about something incomprehensible, bent his head down and walked violently in circles for several moments.  He said, Richter looked like an animal stalking a prey.  He calmed down, then went out and played the Franck like a God on earth.

I'm telling this story to show that Richter, who was sort of an enigmatic talent, because he could mess up so spectacularly on hard and easy pieces alike, seemed to have been made furious by his mistakes, went backstage, and conquered himself.  He battled with himself, overcame whatever it was that was preventing him from playing like Richter, and went back onstage victorious.

Unfortunately, in this business, in the end one can't say, the concert was bad because the action was too heavy.  I don't know how old you are, and that might seem like a harsh statement, but in the end one has to creatively adjust to all sorts of unflattering circumstances; or one has to conquer the inner mental blocks, as it seems Richter had to do.

In a concert setting, always give yourself the chance to succeed.  That means taking time between pieces, as much time as you need, and making whatever creative adjustments have to be made.  For instance, you could have cut all the dynamics in half, to compensate for the difficult action.  Would it have been as thrilling as you wanted?  Probably not.  But it still would have represented the music, and it would have been better than a hash.  To go into a creative endeavor like performance with a fixed goal, is in my mind, counter-productive.  It obviously works for some people, but not for me, and that's where I get my ideas.

I would advise you to practice on heavier pianos, well I would advise you, but then I'm reminded of something else about Richter; he said he never tried the piano beforehand because playing each concert on a different instrument should be like "walking a tightrope."  In other words, he preferred not to know!

Walter Ramsey

[general disarray]

We've all had recitals like this.  Well, maybe not Marik  , but I sure have.

I once did a run-through for a recital in a private home.  Seemed promising since the people had a seven-foot Steinway only five years old.  But the night before a toilet in an upper floor broke, flooding the ceiling over the piano, sending water onto and into the instrument.  When I arrived, they we're still drying out the interior of the instrument with hairdryers and trying to soak up the soggy carpet below with towels.

My hostess said, "Sorry about the odor.  I guess the water re-activated the cat piss under the piano."  

I had to play (heh) three Soler Sonatas, Beethoven Op. 27, No. 1, Two Rach preludes, Chopin Nocturne Op. 48, No. 1, and the B-flat minor Scherzo.  I thought I was going to implode.

All of this, mind you, on an instrument that SMELLED like a giant kitty litter box, SOUNDED like an underwater ocarina and RESPONDED like taffy on a frigid winter day.

I now only play the radio in public, thank you very much.

(from "General Disarray's Collection of Performance Disasters," collector's CD only $14.95 if you act now!)

[teresa_b]

lelle, give yourself a break!  

Everyone who has played a few recitals has had performances they were unhappy with.  I once was auditioning (waaaay back in college) for a guest conductor to play Beethoven 1 with the university orchestra.  Right in the middle of the 2nd movement, I got a TOTAL memory blank and could NOT get it back to save my life.  Result?  Basically "Don't call us, we'll call you..."  I was extremely embarrassed and felt much like you do.  

The main thing you need to do is to realize ONE less-than-great performance does not make you a BAD MUSICIAN.  It is upsetting, but beating yourself up does not help!  Try to look at it realistically--you had a strange piano, you were nervous, you allowed the nervousness to cause you more muscle fatigue--your anxiety built up, and so your performance suffered.  That's all.  

No one will think you're a bad person or a failure just because you messed up a performance of difficult music.  Most people, in fact, understand anxiety and wouldn't dream of getting up on a stage themselves and doing ANYTHING.  So cry a little bit, then pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and keep at it.  You will be fine!

Teresa

[richard black]

Frankly, you're not a musician until you've had a couple of those experiences. Dealing with tough piano comes with experience (the more pianos you play, the quicker you adapt to them) and for the rest, if it doesn't kill you it makes you stronger. The mere fact that you're here to tell us about it suggests it hasn't killed you....

[futureconcertpianist]

Greetings Lelle,
It is true that we all go through this, the best thing to do when something like this happens is to arrange another recital as soon as possible and play, learn from your failures and that will hold the seeds of success for you in the long run because if you will never make that same mistake again due to taking it that step further preventing this mistake you made this time.
If you don't give a recital asap, believe me you will develop a phobia and it will last for years or even your whole life, when you give your recital in a month or two, you will have overcome your fear.
From FCP.

[lostinidlewonder]

1. I was nervous like hell (as usual).

I always found it important to understand why are we nervous. Are we nervous because of people watching us, are we nervous that we might stuff up in front of them? If you feel you failed in front of them now look what has happened to your life now. Has the walls of your world collapsed around you? Hardly, I hope! Failing on stage will not effect your life one bit, unless you let it. It is important to fail on stage because it makes you a tougher person more prepared for the stage, if you survive it. And EVERY SINGLE PERFORMER has stuffed up on stage, no one is perfect all the time.

There is nothing to lose, if you don't play on stage when you have the ability to do so isn't that worse than actually making an attempt and failing on stage? Failure and disappointment are critical to make us better performers but you don't think negatively upon it, you ask yourself what can you do differently, how can you mentally approach the situation differently to prepare yourself for the nerves.

2. At home I have piano that is pretty light, a tad lighter on the keys than a normal Steinway. However, in this castle I was supposed to play on a piano that was about 5 times (no exaggeration!) HEAVIER than a Steinway! Wow did I get tired? It was so extremely heavy so you can't imagine it without having tried it yourself.

This is a tough thing to deal with playing on a piano with a heavy action when you are not used to it.  It is really why it is so important to be able to have at least an hour with the instrument you will perform on before the performance. I remember playing a piece on a Boston Grand at the Ken Hall Theater in Curtin University West Australia, when I had to do glissando and I didn't realize the corners of the keys where very sharp and I cut my finger leaving a trail of blood on the keys! I remember thinking, you really didn't test out the piano before you play did you!

I have found this same problem with many of my students (most who grew up on Yamaha) who come to play on my Bechstein Grand, it's action is quite heavy and some of them can't handle it. They get so tired after a few minutes of playing. It really highlights if you try to use finger strength while playing you will run out of energy pretty fast. Heavy actioned pianos make a meal out of anyone who uses inefficient technique overall. However sometimes it will take a month or two of playing on a heavy action piano to adjust your playing if you have played for many many years on a lighter action piano with strong and good technique.

Really bad heavy actioned pianos which have an inefficient action are just horrible to play because often you have to play forte just to produce a moderate sound. Some cannot sustain notes well enough, or have bais in sound quality or lack of any quality in parts of the keyboard registers.  I have played on many really bad pianos and it really challenges you to make it sound its best. Sometimes it can be too much to ask of the performer, especially if you have to play many pieces which really require a quality instrument to sound right.

I would think a good way to combat these problems is to simply play on many types of pianos. When I grew up I use to help tune pianos at a warehouse which gave me much opportunity to play all sorts of pianos, new, old, all different sizes and different states of disrepair. I still find it impossible not to play a piano when I see it just to see what it is like, what its character is like. They all have their own personality, especially older ones. Very high quality pianos make playing seem so easy, bad ones strain your ability to make the sound come out. So don't feel too bad if you can't make your playing sound right on a piano which is a beast to play! Take it as a learning experience.

and then there is some passagework, a lot of sixteenth notes that goes up the piano right before the piece returns to the Polonaise part again (tempo di polacca) and I was so tired I didn't even manage to play them, I started the first one, realised I was too tired, and lifted my hands off the keys and just played the top notes.

IT IS SO DEPRESSING!!!! I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE!! I just wanna take an axe and trash my piano to pieces and never play piano anymore... I can't imagine that ANYONE EVER has done a bigger fail than I did that evening...

It sounds like the heavy action of the keyboard sapped all your energy Don't be depressed, I am sure if you took your own piano into that concert hall it would have been a different story. The lesson you really learn is to measure the action of the piano you spend all your time practicing on, with the rest of the pianos out there.

Now that you have managed an efficient technique with the piano you play on now, test it out on heavier actioned pianos. You really must do this if you want to be more confident playing on unknown pianos on stage. You really must demand that you have time to practice on any piano you will perform on, those conditions must always be allowed otherwise I would never perform myself. It just puts too many variables in front of you to deal with and with the vast program you had to play it is just unfair to ask it from you. It wouldn't be unfair of you to say you will perform less or even a different program because you can't play the piano you have to perform on.

[m]

We've all had recitals like this.  Well, maybe not Marik  ,

Me ?? ??!!!!! 
Hahaha, man, if you knew what you are talking about!!!
MOST of my recitals are like that--one of the reasons I did not play for many years... I just don't post those recordings 

In fact, I believe, out of ANY my recital I play maybe 2 or 3 minutes the way I wanted... and already for those 3 minutes it is worth playing...

Best, M

[pianowolfi]

Another thing that has been helpful to me is when I play the whole program for a small audience (preferably critical, but friendly musicians) one week before and then again the day before "the big one". I feel totally different on stage after this.

[chopinmozart7]

I think that some pianos are heavy, and its maybe not a good idea to play fast pieces on it.
But anyway, I performed in front of my school with 600 students and parents,teachers.
And i way soooo nervous. My stomach felt like it was going to explode. Then i just said to my self: take it easy,they are here to look at your performance,not to se you fail. They are here
beacause they cant play this piano peace.  then just when i was going to play the bad thougts came: Dont care, after 100 years nobody will remember your performance.
When i was playing i played like i was in my room alone playing exelent. Then i maybe faild at some notes.The hint is to not get panic if you fail at some notes, just continue playing.
But if you unluckuly screw up then look your self inside for over 100 years.

[chopinthemaestro]

Wow.....I feel your pain....!!   

But on balance I don't recommend chopping up your piano but instead perhaps you should Chopin up your repertoire..!! 

Seriously, it must be awful having to battle through such a recital knowing that the piano you are playing is hindering your artistic performance. Nevertheless, your perception of your playing may be a factor here and to the listener, it may not have been as bad as you think it was because you know what you are capable of and they don't !!!

I think the important litmus test is whether the audience slow clapped or not. If they didn't, then just think it could have been much worse if they had !!!   

Just put it behind you and look forward to your next successful recital rather than dwelling on something that you cannot change now.

Life's too short to worry about bad performances. In 100 years, nobody is going to give a flying f*** about it !!!

Always remember, you only fail if you give up trying to get better.   

[thine]

you should have practiced and checked the piano that you are going to use.
and learn flexibility.

[daejiny]

Related to both piano weight and the Moonlight Sonata, I have my own story:

My first big recital, I went up on stage, and despite my teacher's advice, forgot to check the feel of the keys. So I started to play the Moonlight...

and missed my whole left hand on entrance. The piano was heavier than I was used to.

I don't remember how I did the rest of the piece, because the completely screwed me over.

[the_librarian]

Hi everyone. This is my first post, and I'm very interested by this topic, which seems to revolve a lot around overcoming pianos with heavy action. (lelle, sorry to hear about your ordeal )

I myself practise on a Bechstein upright at home, which has a moderately heavy action. Every now and then, though, when I feel like giving my fingers a break, I use the damper pedal to soften the piano's action. Doing this makes fast playing much easier and more fun Thing is, why should this be the case?

It's puzzling to me that one can practise for years on a light-action piano, develop good finger velocity and dynamic control, and then, come playing on a 'monster' piano, the velocity and dynamics suffer hugely. My question is: is there some kind of element one can incorporate into his/her technique that will help him adapt to any piano within, say, minutes?

[nearenough]

For many years my favorite pianists were Rubinstein and Horowitz. I was luck to hear them live many times. At one concert, the former was in the middle of the exposition of the 1st movement of Chopin's 2nd sonata, and got totally lost. He did not stop or lose the beat at all; he merely played his own chords, his own composition for about 30 seconds (which seemed an eternity) and then picked up the Chopin about 3/4 of a page later. Amazing. During the intermission I asked several people if they noticed anything, and none had a clue!

Horowitz had a perfect memory. At one of his presentations of Rachmaninoff's second sonata, a string snapped and jangled in the instrument, and after it was pulled out he took up the sonata at exactly point of the interruption. Very smooth.

Why does anyone make a "heavy" actioned piano?? What would be the point except sloppy manufacturing.  Horowitz's instrument to all accounts had a super light action. Just watch films of him playing with flat fingers and almost no effort. Do they make trumpets with super stiff valves?

[go12_3]

Every performance is a different and diverse situation.  With my violin, it is always different.  Last time I performed, my legs were shaking!  Anyhow,  your experience willl make you more prepared for your next performance.  Just detach yourself and realize those that listened to you will forget the mistakes you've made.  If they do, that's their problem.  Even the piano and room can make a performance so different than what you'd expect.  I go through that whenever I sing or play violin.  I am real sensitive to the temperature of the room and how my voice or violin will carry.  Will the sound fill the room?  Or will it just be flat?  There are a lot of variables that you can look into.  I'm sure your performance went well , it's the music that you performed is what matters, how it reached out to your audience.  Best regards, 

[richard black]

Why does anyone make a "heavy" actioned piano??

I've never fancied the thought (though of course I play on plenty), but one explanation was given by a very fine pianist who was selecting a piano for a recording session, in the presence of a good friend of mine. The pianist chose a Steinway with a very heavy action, saying 'When I play the piano, I want it to be a rape!' - which is not exactly a very tasteful way of putting it but does make a point.

[simon_horsey]

I'm afraid I agree with Mr. Ramsey about the piano. We all have to play pianos with heavier and lighter actions than we are used to from time to time - and the circumstances are usually less than ideal. 'A good workman never blames his tools' in other words.

I'm not sure what preparation you did for the concert, but maybe you just need performance practice. Our performance skills get better with practice, as well as our technical playing skills. One option is to give pre-concert concerts to family, friends, anyone who will listen. Video yourself and give yourself the challenge that the result will go on YouTube for 6 months however good or bad it is with no editing of any kind. AND you will email everyone in your address book and send them the link. This is a way to practice playing under a similar kind of pressure to that you will experience in a concert.

Another favourite of mine to use with more advanced students is draw a ladder with 7 rungs. Place a piece of BluTak on the bottom rung. Play through the piece. 100% correct? Move up a rung. Anything else... stay where you are. When you are on rung 2 play through again, 100% correct? If yes, move up one rung, if not move down... I'm sure you get the idea. Don't get up from the piano until you get to the top, no matter how frustrated you become. Breathe. Think. Focus. This can be a very frustrating exercise, and it isn't for everybody, but playing through the piece when you are on the first rung of the ladder isn't the same as playing through when you are on the sixth. There is far more pressure to get it right and stop, especially if you have been up and down the ladder several times. Performance, like everything, needs practice. Find a way to practice your performance and you will find you can think more clearly and control your temper on stage easily. Have you read The Inner Game of Music? Definitely worth reading if you haven't.

On another note, you need to keep things in perspective. There were 100 people in the room. The other 6 billion people in the world don't know it happened. I know this is hard to think about in the heat of the moment but, as with many seemingly huge issues in life, in 20 or 25 years time it will seem very insignificant.  Get over it. Get back on the piano. Prepare diferently for the next one and good luck!

[barbara_a_fish]

Yeah I know JUST how you feel. I think we all have had the same experience. I find that it is useful to practise performing many many times before a big concert so I enroll the help of all my long suffering friends and make them sit several times through the performance on diferent occassions, before the concert itself. I think I am ready but find out all the weak spots and memeory slips during these rehearsal concerts and always find that although I think I have practised enough I still need more. My poor husband gets dragged in to my piano room many many times as a practise audience.
It also pays to have the works memorised even if you play from music on the day.Don't give up, But do choose a repetoire well within your capacity.Good luck
Barb

[pwla]

sometimes we play better sometimes we don't.You shouldn't give up.Just wait and practice the good days will come faster than you think.

[shinerl]

GOSH! I will probably melt.
But We should be really try our best not to feel nervous.

[pwla]

GOSH! I will probably melt.
But We should be really try our best not to feel nervous.

This is a very hard goal to achieve.You have to be very experienced to do that

[piano6888]

I can feel your pain Lelle. That could have easily been me since I had my fair share of bad pianos that lead to sub-standard performances..   I don't know what to say except that I can relate to your situation albeit mine wasn't the same, but most were similar.  

A few years ago, I was playing the 3rd movement of Moonlight Sonata (just like you were) except on a stiff piano.  I couldn't even move the arpeggios fluidly and struggle to make a forte.  Of course, it also didn't help that my hands were cold at the time too! The piano is located in student union of my university and the piano was a baby grand Pearl River.  Speaking of that, another person (a non-musician at that) even commented that "Damn, my hands hurt after playing on the Pearl River."

Another instance would be where I was playing on my teacher's piano (even further back in time) when I was 14 and I could not get even passages, let alone right dynamics and phrasing. It was due to my hands and fingers fatiguing, and of course the culprit was that the piano was semi-stiff so I was exhausted faster.  My teacher at that time of course didn't look to why or what caused it but rather yelled at my incompetent playing!  I was so angry because at home I knew I could execute the passages and phrasing pretty well and smoothly but it was all that damned action that ruined my playing!  As a result, when I went home I took my sheet music and just threw it against the wall in a fit of rage!! 


As far as people saying to study/practice more or that someone is bad because they played poorly and not blame the piano, well screw them!   They can take a Myron Kropp in the you know where!  

@Chopinmozart7
Yeah it would seem like a option to not play certain repertoire (or do what some concert pianists do, refuse to perform unless a technician makes proper adjustments or something like that. I was referring to Rubinstein's concerts.), however that would probably be a last resort when every other option (adaptation, adjustments, etc.) has failed. I also agree that the best sounds come from the best quality instruments.

[awesom_o]

I find that practicing all pieces without use of the damper pedal prepares me well to adjust  to any action, be it heavy or light.

It must not take 'minutes' to adjust to a new machine. A single minute of floundering on stage is practically eternity for a concert pianist! One must adapt to a new piano within SECONDS, not within minutes.

[lelle]

What the f is this? I had no memory I had ever posted like this, and it's filled with so many blatant lies I don't even know whaaaaaaaat 

[schwartzer]

What the f is this? I had no memory I had ever posted like this, and it's filled with so many blatant lies I don't even know whaaaaaaaat 

What? Hahahaha