Contemplating my relationship to the piano

[lettuve]

Hi everyone!

I've played piano for most of my life (14 years or so) starting with classical and making the switch to Jazz about 3 years ago. I've started practicing daily this semester, for 2 or more hours usually. I also sing, play some guitar and percussion. I seriously love music and musicking, music-theory... It's a real joy to find cool-sounding voicings on the piano, transcribing some interesting solos, etc. There is alot of love and dedication from my part. A big part of my day is spent contemplating music in one way or another.

But: I find myself having to force myself to practice more often than not. Whenever I sit down, there is this kind of depressing and "pressing down" feeling I get. I have clear goals, which are reason enough to keep going, but it's rarely, if ever a joy. I sometimes wonder whether I'm too stupid to properly learn the instrument, comparing myself to other instrumentalist friends and how quickly they manage to pick up new stuff. Their ease and joy makes me question my abilities and predisposition.
And soloing: it's a real pain. I have good ears and can whip out quite the nice solo on voice, but if you put me infront of the keys, my hearing imagination is just... gone.  I'll sound like I'm desperately searching for the "right" tones, insecure, or arbitrarily playing scales/arp./enclosures. It just doesn't sound good.

I went on vacation recently and couldn't practice. I'm back home now and gods, I just feel like quitting the piano, or at least, giving it much, much less priority.
What's for sure is that I want to renegotiate my goals, my relationship to the instrument, how I practice, my attitude towards all of it.
It would be quite sad to entirely quit the piano, I do love it, I'm countless hours into it, it's a great instrument. But I don't know how to continue my relationship to it.
What remains unchanged is my broader love and need for the creation of music. And what also remains true is that piano is the first instrument I ever learned, and the one I've spent most hours on.

Has anyone had similar experiences? I would very much value your inputs, advice, reflexions.

Thank you!

[satoru]

I have a similar problem. Practicing is like a chore/task to me. I've played for a long time, just like you, and I've never had the fiery passion/determination/stamina/focus/willpower to practice for hours on end like some of my peers and competitors. I honestly just don't have the passion. The most I can do is 4 hours. I think my longest was 7, when I was cramming for comp. It's probably because of the tons of short form media I consume has completely fried my attention span, and the absolutely atrocious things I did in the 2024-25 school year. 

There's a concept in psychology called the sunk cost fallacy. I don't think it applies to you, since you seem very passionate about piano, which is great.

Sorry if I can't help you; I'm pretty inexperienced

[ted]

Practice is surely just a means to an end. The precise nature of the end varies greatly depending on how music fits into the life of the individual, but if practice is permitted to become a musical end in itself, it slowly undermines and replaces the deeper goal of artistic transcendence and it becomes a negative force. Try concentrating more on the immediate joy, the yoga if you like, of playing this wonderful instrument and less on some imagined comparative or competitive aspect; music is not a tennis tournament. 

[thorn]

I agree with this ^

I wonder what you define as 'practicing'? Because you say you like experimenting and transcribing solos, and that you'd like to get better at improv. So by 'practicing' I assume you mean learning repertoire? Because if that's the case then perhaps the answer is to focus more on improv, composition etc.

Also if you sing and play guitar and percussion then those are all way more social than the piano- go find other musicians to make music with. Have fun with it. Then when you feel more confident at piano improv you can always bring that in too.

And there's lots of people who do improv here if you need any advice on that front. (I'm not one of them haha, I'm just starting out in improv)

[dizzyfingers]

It's probably because of the tons of short form media I consume has completely fried my attention span, and the absolutely atrocious things I did in the 2024-25 school year. 

Gosh, what a teaser, what atrocious things did you do??!!

[dizzyfingers]

I've played piano for most of my life (14 years or so) starting with classical and making the switch to Jazz about 3 years ago.
A big part of my day is spent contemplating music in one way or another.
But: I find myself having to force myself to practice more often than not.
I went on vacation recently and couldn't practice. I'm back home now and gods, I just feel like quitting the piano, or at least, giving it much, much less priority.
What's for sure is that I want to renegotiate my goals, my relationship to the instrument, how I practice, my attitude towards all of it.
It would be quite sad to entirely quit the piano, I do love it, I'm countless hours into it, it's a great instrument. But I don't know how to continue my relationship to it.
What remains unchanged is my broader love and need for the creation of music. And what also remains true is that piano is the first instrument I ever learned, and the one I've spent most hours on.

You've described your situation so very well that there's really nothing you need from us.  You've put the solution in your original post.
You want to review/rethink how piano fits into your overall music-life-work.
So do that!
It's pretty clear you desire a break from piano.  So take one. What's stopping you?
Perhaps the "sunk cost fallacy" another responder mentioned?  You should look that up!
Sounds like you love to sing, and explore music in many different ways, so explore those for a while.  Maybe compose?
Give your piano practice a break!
Are you looking for permission?
Here it is:  coming from a god of the earth-world, I give you permission to take a break from piano!

[essence]

i have never done a survey, but i know at least two piano students at the best London academy (RAM) who gave up serious piano after graduating.

i think it is not uncommon - they realise they will never be of world renown, and don;t want to devote their lives to something unachievable.

One became music director of cats or something.

[jonathannyc]

Hello Lettuve,

I agree with Dizzyfingers; if you want to take a break from practicing, then by all means take a rest. It's not against the law, and you haven't 'failed' anything. It's not uncommon for famous pianists to take significant breaks mid-career to reassess their direction and what makes music meaningful for them.

As a fellow musician, I encourage you to pursue the type of music-making that brings beauty into your life. There is no better reason to engage the art form, and you will learn more that way.   

Best regards,
Jonathan
_____________________________
https://www.bakerpianolessons.com/

[lettuve]

Try concentrating more on the immediate joy, the yoga if you like, of playing this wonderful instrument and less on some imagined comparative or competitive aspect; music is not a tennis tournament.

I think this is precisely what I've found myself doing since I posted here. I realized I was stressing myself too much, "wanting" too much and kind of pressuring myself to be someone that truly I'm not. I don't need to be (don't want to be!!) the next well-known jazz-pianist in my town and make a living playing in bars/teaching, I just want to have a good time improvising with my friends, playing in bands and having the capacity to play the way I hear. The latter will keep me busy anyways.
I like the comparison to yoga you're making

I wonder what you define as 'practicing'? Because you say you like experimenting and transcribing solos, and that you'd like to get better at improv. So by 'practicing' I assume you mean learning repertoire? Because if that's the case then perhaps the answer is to focus more on improv, composition etc.

Also if you sing and play guitar and percussion then those are all way more social than the piano- go find other musicians to make music with. Have fun with it. Then when you feel more confident at piano improv you can always bring that in too.

A mixture of purely technical things like touch, swing-feel, time/form-keeping, quick and precise chord changes, the fingerings of everything, and then building familiarity with all the scales I need to solo and developing vocab. Alot of the latter is trial and error, and then really honing in on that which worked out, especially around chord changes. My personal goal is to develop my aural skills to a point where I have the same fluency with notes in my hands as I have with my vocal chords.

The other instruments: I do that! I love it! It's great what musicking together does! I just want to start bringing my first instrument into the equation! I think I'm a bit childishly impatient in this regard, and get disappointed when I don't have the social/improvisatory fluency with the piano that I have on other instruments/voice.

You've described your situation so very well that there's really nothing you need from us.  You've put the solution in your original post.
You want to review/rethink how piano fits into your overall music-life-work.
So do that!
It's pretty clear you desire a break from piano.  So take one. What's stopping you?
Perhaps the "sunk cost fallacy" another responder mentioned?  You should look that up!
Sounds like you love to sing, and explore music in many different ways, so explore those for a while.  Maybe compose?
Give your piano practice a break!
Are you looking for permission?
Here it is:  coming from a god of the earth-world, I give you permission to take a break from piano!

Sincerely, I appreciate this response very much. Thank you!
What's stopping me from just taking a break is that I have limited time with my current teacher and want to make the most out of it. I have alot to learn and my brain is more capable of doing it now than of doing it five years down the line. But I might be overly rationalizing it here.

What I did these past few days was to limit my practicing to a hard one hour, and to allow myself to not think about "how little I've done" afterwards. It's done wonders to my mood and I actually feel more productive. Also, probably more crucially, to allow the "cliché" lines that I hear to come out, to put less "importance" on every single note, i.e. to not overly dramatize the lines my ears come up with. To just give myself more breathing room and to stop judging my musicality, really, which is something I sometimes still struggle with.

I agree with Dizzyfingers; if you want to take a break from practicing, then by all means take a rest. It's not against the law, and you haven't 'failed' anything. It's not uncommon for famous pianists to take significant breaks mid-career to reassess their direction and what makes music meaningful for them.

As a fellow musician, I encourage you to pursue the type of music-making that brings beauty into your life. There is no better reason to engage the art form, and you will learn more that way.   

Thank you for this. I might start realizing that taking a break is something I'm allowed to do, soon. Let's see if I'll even want to, after this re-evaluation!
I think what I'm doing right now is reassessing the importance that piano has for me and contemplating the "why".

So: Why do I play the piano?
Because it's a joyful way to let music find a voice it won't find anywhere else. Because it's my best bet at playing the complicated, virtuosic jazz-fusion lines that I enjoy listening to so much, somewhen in the future. Because laying down a good groove is a pure, unadulterated blast. Because there is something so exquisitely beautiful about the effect of a well-voiced chord. Because there is an inherent joy in developing and improving a craft and dedicating yourself to it.

Why am I not playing the piano, even though at some point I thought I was?
To make it my main venue of income, or to prove to anyone that I am "worthy" of being called a musician. To be defined solely by my capacity to play the piano, or to gain the (real or imagined) "approval" of people that I think are qualified to give it. To prove to myself that I am capable of playing the piano on a level that could "awe" people. For egoic reasons.

I think this holds an important key. My actual joy on the one hand, and my ego on the other. Thank you, Jonathan, for triggering these thoughts.



Thank you to everyone who replied, it's so great to get my situation reflected back by people who know what I'm talking about. It's giving me this wonderful opportunity to reflect, make realizations and to be witnessed. You all have my gratitude!

[anacrusis]

i have never done a survey, but i know at least two piano students at the best London academy (RAM) who gave up serious piano after graduating.

i think it is not uncommon - they realise they will never be of world renown, and don;t want to devote their lives to something unachievable.

One became music director of cats or something.

I think playing piano to be world renowned is a really misplaced ambition anyways. There are way more pianists than there are world renowned pianists anyways, and you can be professionally active in various ways without touring the world on the biggest stages. You should play it because you love it and cannot stand the thought of living your life without it. Now, if that results in playing professionally, as a side hustle or as a hobby depends on how much you love it and how much you need it.