Music and essays....*sigh*

[alwaystheangel]

i'm going to university next year and I've been looking up some scholarships.  I found one with remax's Quest For Excellence www.remax-western.ca
They are asking for an essay of 1,250 words on one of six topics.  Naturally, I chose performing arts because I really do not suit any other categories.  To quote directly for the application form:

PREFORMING ARTS: The performing arts include theatre, motion pictures, drama, comedy, music, dance, opera, magic, and marching arts.  Students who display a passion for performing arts will be recognized in this category.

That's all fine and dandy but I have absolutely no idea how to go about writting this essay.  Do I make more like a story, the stadard essay style, talk about my accomplishements, how music has affected my life, what I plan on doing with my music in the furture or what?  Maybe a mix of both? 
If you have any suggestions on how to make this essay the best it could be I'd really appreciate any input that you may have.  Due date is March ten  So it's comming up really fast.  Thank you for you help!!!

[gorbee natcase]

If it does not specify, I would assume they are testing your ability to pick a subject and write a convincing interesting and academically sound paper. However I would contact them to be sure 

[alwaystheangel]

so more along the lines of the standard essay, then? nothing creative or anything like that?

[gorbee natcase]

Incoorprating creativity is the sister feature of a good essay, Don't make it boring... Fact, intriuge, exploration, and your own personnal feelings are important for the format.
Try and relax and think of how you can expand your idea...

Most of all make it fun to read; try and include unique perspectives. Thing that will set you aside from everyone else, avoid the beaten path.

Don't make it like just another paper they must read, use YOUR inginuity, YOUR style, and YOUR enthusiasm. as long as it does not sound like another robot wrote it, but someone who has there own ideas who is not at all afraid to voice them.

It sounds like a confidence issue more than anything; Seriously just enjoy yourself writing it, if it sounds good to you (well you are your own biggest crittic) No bad spelling grammer etc...  That will just not do all the best

[jas]

Most of all make it fun to read; try and include unique perspectives. Thing that will set you aside from everyone else, avoid the beaten path.

Don't make it like just another paper they must read, use YOUR inginuity, YOUR style, and YOUR enthusiasm. as long as it does not sound like another robot wrote it, but someone who has there own ideas who is not at all afraid to voice them.

It sounds like a confidence issue more than anything; Seriously just enjoy yourself writing it, if it sounds good to you (well you are your own biggest crittic) No bad spelling grammer etc...  That will just not do all the best

I agree. Although they want academic intelligence (by the sounds of it), they also want a lively, enthusiastic mind, and the best way to show them you have that is to write in such a way that your passion for your subject comes through.
The only thing I'm not sure I agree with is voicing your own opinions. Obviously, your essay has to be your own work, and has to contain your own views, but to write "I think..." never looks good. It's best to word it along the lines of "It seems that..." or something like that.

Perfect spelling and grammar are a must. Get someone to read over it for you, preferably someone who won't be afraid to get the red pen out.

Good luck!

Jas

[pianistimo]

hope this isn't too late to post.  march is national women's history month.  maybe you should promote women in music (ie women composers, playwrights, women who star in motion pics, dance, opera, etc.)  you've probably already started your essay - but just in case, i'll try to glean some stuff off the internet.  was thinking yesterday that they probably want to see that you attend different things (so maybe think of all the concerts you've been to) and participate in your community events.  if you are not active yet, say what you are interested in and what you'd like to get going.  i was impressed by community service and people who can tie all of these types of arts and artists together for free service occasionally to those who live in assisted living or disadvantaged youth.  perhaps the disadvantaged youth would be the first point.  and, what you would like to do with your music in the future in terms of broadening the community view of music and the arts.  if you have people you admire that are already in the business - mention a few names (can't hurt?).  maybe put somekind of plug in for remax - like using the letters acrostically for your women's names to remember?

here's a cool site (a national museum dedicated to women in the arts)  www.nmwa.org

[alwaystheangel]

thanks for the great ideas and the vote of confidance!  I haven't started it yet so I think incorporating the women in arts is an excellent idea pianistimo!  And I certainly won't make it a simplistic 9th grade essay either.  No Ithinks or "sumthings" 
Wish me luck!

[alwaystheangel]

well, If you want to read it,  Here's what I have so far.  Fire away!

A shy, 8 year old, slowly walks towards the instrument, dwarfing her in comparison.  She now knows that this is the moment that all her moths of practicing have brought her to this point.  Her hands trembling slightly as she reaches towards the piano’s keys.  She looks at the adjudicator who smiles slightly and nods.  The girl looks back to the piano and begins to play.  The next two minutes seems to speed up and slow down simultaneously.  She finishes and a pause later stands to the applause of the audience.  With a smile and a bow, she walks quickly back to her seat.  Her mother and her piano teacher congratulate her in quick, quiet whispers.  After what feels like an eternity, the adjudicator gets up.  She calls all the performers to the front row to discuss their performances.  All the children are wishing for that first place certificate.  The girl too, is among those who desperately wants to win. 
   That little girl was me.
   Looking back on that day and days just like it, winning was exciting but it was really nothing compared to the journey that went with it.  Piano has been a huge part of my life since birth, my mother plays as did her mother, so it seemed natural that I too would play.  The rewards I have received for playing do not come in the form of a certificate.  I have realized that learning and performing music have taught me many lessons beyond the realm of simply playing.  I have learned determination, self-discipline and confidence.  This does not mean that I do not get nervous playing, far from it.  I still get “butterflies”  but I do it anyway.  I have found far more value in facing my fears than shying away from them.
    The personal growth I have derived through these events have shaped my being.  I am not afraid to take a stand on a point of view or value that I feel passionately about. I will embrace a challenge.  If a group needs a leader, I am not afraid to take that role. 
   That little girl didn’t know what was in store for her.  She would not only continue competing  but volunteer her skills within the community.  She had an opportunity in 2004 to provide musical accompaniment for a theatre troupe called Missoula Children’s Theatre.  She was praised for her maturity and professionalism when working with over 50 children between the ages of 4 and 18!  It was noted at the end of the performance by the director that she was the youngest accompanist they ever had the opportunity of working with.  When the children’s theatre returned the next year, the cultural director of --------- immediately requested her to play again that year.  At this point, ------------- launched a city promotional campaign. The Cultural Director, ------- invited her to perform in the newly opened Cultural Pavilion for filming a commercial to be shown on --------Television in this area.

[pianistimo]

what a great idea. personal experience is the best!  just run it through spell-check and get someone to critique your grammar to make sure it's top- notch.  unfortunately, my 10 year old daughter checks mine.  maybe 'the girl, too, is among those who desperately want to win.' (instead of wants?)  *someone, help me out!

and, 'looking back on that day, and days like it, winning was exciting but nothing compared to the journey that went with it.'   'piano has been a huge part of my life since birth (period) My mother plays, as did her mother, so it seem (s) *keep it all present tense or past tense, i think.  you started out with 'winning WAS' - so might keep it all past tense UNTIL you get to the present day. (?) 

there must be someone on pf that has good grammar checking abilities.  seems that everyone looks for something different - so getting a lot of feedback is good.

ps the last paragraph and the first seem to go together better as they complete the story of the 'little girl.'  ***i think you're going to win!  you have some experience in the arts and community!

[pianistimo]

quote from merck's daily newsletter (friday, march 3, 2006):  'as recently as the 1970's, women's history was virtually an unknown topic in the grades kindergarten through 12 curriculum or in general public consciousness.  to address this situation, a 'Women's History Week' was initiated in 1978.  March 8- International Women's Day - was selected as the focal point to ensure that the events and celebration would include a muticultural perspective, recognize the connection between and among all women, and celebrate the important role of women in the paid labor force.

in March 1980, President Jimmy Carter issued a Presidential Message to the American people, encouraging the recognition and celebration of women's historic accomplishments during the week of March 8.  In 1987, the National Women's History Project successfully petitioned Congress to expand the national celebrations to the entire month of March.  Since 1992, a Presidential Proclaimation has carried the directive for what is now a major national and international celebration.

R=remember  E=excellence  M=musicality  A=awareness of community X=chromosomes?

[jas]

A shy, 8 year old, slowly walks towards the instrument, dwarfing her in comparison.  She now knows that this is the moment that all her moths of practicing have brought her to this point.  Her hands trembling slightly as she reaches towards the piano’s keys.  She looks at the adjudicator who smiles slightly and nods.  The girl looks back to the piano and begins to play.  The next two minutes seems to speed up and slow down simultaneously.  She finishes and a pause later stands to the applause of the audience.  With a smile and a bow, she walks quickly back to her seat.  Her mother and her piano teacher congratulate her in quick, quiet whispers.  After what feels like an eternity, the adjudicator gets up.  She calls all the performers to the front row to discuss their performances.  All the children are wishing for that first place certificate.  The girl too, is among those who desperately wants to win. 
   That little girl was me.

I don't have time to comment on all of it, but there's some slightly awkward grammar here. For example, the first sentence implies that the 8-year old girl is dwarfing the (female) piano. Maybe you could reword it to say...
   "A shy 8 year old walks slowly towards the instrument; it dwarfs her."
or
   "A shy 8 year old walks slowly towards the instrument. She is dwarfed in comparison."
...or something. You don't need any commas in that sentence. Also, in academic writing, numbers under 100 should be written in full, ie. "eight-year old."

She now knows that this is the moment that all her moths of practicing have brought her to this point.  Her hands trembling slightly as she reaches towards the piano’s keys.

She "now" knows implies that she didn't know this before - you may want to remove the "now" (unless that's what you're actually saying). Also, the act of practising something is spelt with an "s" rather than a "c." (I didn't know this either until one of my lecturers told me.) And you would need to either say "her hands are trembling" or "her hands tremble."

Sorry to be so picky, I'm not trying to be snidey or anything. It's just that grammar is very important in essays like this, especially in a university context. My lecturers hate bad grammar.

Jas

EDIT - I forgot: the "practicing"/"practising" thing might only be in British English so it might not apply to you.

[alwaystheangel]

Jas, don't worry about hurting my feelings about my grammar,  I know it's horrific and I appreciate any help I can get! Really!  I checked and "c" and "s" in practise(ce) are both acceptable, kind of like color and colour, I think.

pianistimo , I agree that the 1st and last paragraph seem to fit better together, so I am definately rearranging them. thanks for pointing out some of those little mistakes, that certainly helped!

 If you see any other faults don't hesitate to tell me!  Like I said before, my grammar is positively scary so do your worst! I'm ready!

[pianistimo]

i like jas's comments and second revision of 'a girl...' making it into two complete sentences.  even though they are simple sentences, they reflect the situation better and make it less confusing.  one last criticism would be less use of 'i' although i tend to write with a lot of 'i's' too.  sometimes they can be eliminated altogether if you try to construct the sentence without them.  funny, when you read other people's writing you can see your own mistakes.  anything too repetitive will detract, so try to use new words for any word that is repetitive.

hope that you'll fill in more detail about your experiences and what you hope to do in the future with your degree.  who your 'heros' of piano are.  maybe you can stress teachers or people who have gone out of their way to help you.  what you see as possible encouragements to other young women. 

in philly we have a few societies (forget some of the names) where women meet together and discuss music and plan recitals.  women are sometimes the best promoters of women, but not always.  a man has to feel totally comfortable with himself and with the idea that women are capable in many fields - and not an economic threat (as many see them) as much as they think.  there seem to be a plenteous load of music students wherever you are if you want to work in music and you are diligent.  same with performance.

personally, i think music is a sort of 'ideal' field for women - because if you want you can stay home with your children and still work from home (teaching piano and/or performing when you can).  i've never regretted majoring in music even though many people tried to talk me out of it.  (you won't make any money, you'll never make it as a performer, etc. etc).  neither was true.  i've made money (albeit not as much as in computer sciences or something like that) and i've also performed a lot (accompanying A LOT and solo a little).  some women start schools, stores, music books, make cd's - there's so much you can do with music.  and, accompanying makes good income, too.  there are always students at the local uni or community college that need instrumental or voice accompaniment.  what i like about the job is that you can break up your day into small sections of work (1-2 hours accompanying ) and still pick up your preschooler yourself.  i'm of the opinion that women can have it BOTH ways.  have a career and have a family.  especially if you finish your degree before you have your children so your prepared to take on the professional job as well as the profession of mothering.

[alwaystheangel]

Unfortunately, I am not able to include women and arts into the essay.

A shy, eight -year old walks slowly towards the instrument. The instrument that dwarfs her in comparison.  She knows that all her months of practice have brought her to this point.  Her hands tremble slightly as she reaches towards the piano’s keys.  She looks at the adjudicator who smiles slightly and nods.  The girl looks back to the piano and begins to play.  The next two minutes seems to speed up and slow down simultaneously.  She finishes and after a pause, she stands to the applause of the audience.  With a smile and a bow, she walks quickly back to her seat.  Her mother and her piano teacher congratulate her in quick, quiet whispers.  After what feels like an eternity, the adjudicator gets up.  She calls all the performers to the front row to discuss their performances.  All the children are wishing for that first place certificate.  The girl too, is among those who desperately want to win.   
That little girl didn’t know what was in store for her.  She would not only continue to compete,  but volunteer her skills within the community.  She had an opportunity in 2004 to provide musical accompaniment for a theatre troupe called ------------.  There, she was praised for her maturity and professionalism when working with over 50 children between the ages of 4 and 18!  It was noted at the end of the performance by the director that she was the youngest accompanist they had ever had the opportunity to work with.  When the children’s theatre returned the next year, the cultural director of ------------ immediately requested that she play again.  At this point, ------------- launching a city promotional campaign. The Cultural Director, --------, invited her to perform in the newly opened ------------ for filming a commercial to be shown on -------Television in this area.  Following the commercial, she was requested to play for the graduation ceremony.  This was a huge honour because it gave her a chance to be an important part of such a special event.  Over 1000 people attended the ceremonies, which is the largest audience the girl had ever played in front of.   After the performance, she saw her old junior high teacher.  It was a special moment for both of them.  The teacher was not the only one to come up to her that day, many of her graduating friends thanked her for playing their favourite pieces and making that day even more special. She also began to teach.  She relished in teaching young children about the broad varieties of music, the art of musicianship and most importantly: the magic that is music.
   Throughout her high school days, she learned to play jazz, alto saxophone and baritone saxophone.  She organized a saxophone quartet that played in the lobby of the -------- for a Christmas concert and was the feature of the grand finale of the concert.  They began to compete in various Music Festivals and would go on to play at the ----------- Music Festival which includes students from around the continent.   With each year that passed, her love of music grew to even greater heights.
That little girl was me.
Piano has been a huge part of my life since birth.  My mother plays, as did her mother, so it seems natural that I too would play.  The rewards I have received for playing do not come in the form of a certificate.  I have realized that learning and performing music have taught me many lessons beyond the realm of simply playing.  I have learned determination, self-discipline and confidence.  This does not mean that I do not get nervous playing, far from it.  I still get “butterflies”  but I do it anyway.  I have found far more value in facing my fears in than shying away from them.  The personal growth I have derived through these events has shaped my being.  I am not afraid to take a stand on a point of view or value that I feel passionately about. I will embrace a challenge.  If a group needs a leader, I am not afraid to take that role.
   Friedrich Nietzsche once said that “Without music, life would be an error.”  I live by that idea, music is the soul of humanity.  I cannot even imagine how empty I would be without my piano to express my frustrations, express my joys, and to open the world of music to others.   
   

Do you think I should add what I might be doing in the future ? (I have been considering Music Therapy as a possible career, though I am not sure whether I have the voice or the patience to do it.) Or should I leave it as it is.  I'll be sending it out this way unless someone says otherwise because I can't think of anything else to say that fits.

[pianistimo]

wow.  it's coming together.  wait for a few more critiques before you send it so you can revise it once or twice.  that way, you'll get the most out of the 'flow' of your writing. the transition from girl to 'I' is a little bumpy to me, but not sure how to solve the dilemma.  maybe 'that little girl blossomed from a shy 8 year into a confident young adult with the encouragement of teachers and friends.  the growing difficulty of repertoire and challenges brought about a therapy and growth of the mind, as well.  as nietchze puts it...    i live by that idea and would like to help others grow from whatever stage they are at in their lives with the help of music therapy.  music can help a shy person, such as i was at a young age, overcome their shyness to a much older person simply using music as a way to express their soul and emotion.  i hope i can help others as my teachers have helped me.' 

*something like that?

 

[alwaystheangel]

I really like how you put,  I always have so many problems with putting what I think on paper. (Or in this case the net).  So I'll fiddle with it some more and I'll see how it runs out then.
Thank you!