And now for something completely different

[wishful thinker]

Mahatma Ghandi, you know was a very spiritual man. He like to walk around bare foot, which is rather hard on the sole    And as he wasn't too well fed you know; this meant he didn't have a robust constitution, and also gave him terrible bad breath 

In short, he was a .....

....super calloused fragile mystic, exhaling hallitosis

[pianistimo]

now, now!  even i know better than to criticize mahatma ghandi.  christ was neither good looking, or valued for his place - but his quiet manner and peaceful approach was very similar.  kudos to anyone who can change the world with peace.

[wishful thinker]

This is a joke thread madam.  Please take your religion elsewhere 

[pianistimo]

actually, i did think it rather creative.  but, honestly - what about those who adhere to mahatmas words - God is truth - and later 'truth is God.'  he was not particularly anti-God.  and, his saying 'and eye for an eye makes the whole world blind' was basically what Chist said himself.  to turn the other cheek.  to accept pain.  that pain - in and of itself - and the rejection of violence COULD bring peace.  albeit - a lot of dead people.

[wishful thinker]

I'm ignoring you 

An Italian, and Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping", To the Irishman he says "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "you're in charge of supplies". He then says "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile." So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He says to the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I didn't have a broom. You said the Chinese a guy was in a charge of supplies, but he a disappeared and I couldn't a find a him." Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel. The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, ye did lad. But I counna get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese guy in chairge of supplies, but I counna fin' him." The foreman is really angry now, and storms off toward the pile of sand looking for the Chinese guy... Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells...."SUPPLIES!"

[thalbergmad]

actually, i did think it rather creative.  but, honestly - what about those who adhere to mahatmas words - God is truth - and later 'truth is God.'  he was not particularly anti-God.  and, his saying 'and eye for an eye makes the whole world blind' was basically what Chist said himself.  to turn the other cheek.  to accept pain.  that pain - in and of itself - and the rejection of violence COULD bring peace.  albeit - a lot of dead people.

Perfect example of you infesting unrelated threads with God.

[jpianoflorida]

uh oh..didn't work..try again wishful thinker....   

[wishful thinker]

Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?


A: A flat minor.

[jpianoflorida]

the blonde coudn't dial the police! she couldn't find "eleven" on the telephone.
 

disclaimer: no offense meant to any blondes, relatives of blondes, friends of blondes, no blondes were hurt while writing this joke.

[ahinton]

the blonde coudn't dial the police! she couldn't find "eleven" on the telephone.
 

disclaimer: no offense meant to any blondes, relatives of blondes, friends of blondes, no blondes were hurt while writing this joke.

You presumably mean no offence to American ditto and that no American ditto were hurt while writing this joke; it wouldn't work so well over here, where emergency is still 999 (which, as P might note, is an inversion of "666", which just goes to show what a bunch of upside-down beasts the emergency service personnel are in this country - just kidding!...).

Best,

Alistair

[jpianoflorida]

aaah..emergency is 999?    interesting.           so how popular are cell phones over there?    see, that's the kind of thing I would like to discuss more, the differences in our culture! that would be interesting!

[ahinton]

aaah..emergency is 999?    interesting.           so how popular are cell phones over there?    see, that's the kind of thing I would like to discuss more, the differences in our culture! that would be interesting!

Most people - especially younger ones - have at least one. Not sure to what meaningful extent that may reasonably be deemed to be a mark of anything especially "cultural", though...

Best,

Alistair

[pianistimo]

how do we know for sure that adam and eve were mennonite?

who else could be tempted by a piece of fruit whilst seeing a naked woman. 

sorry.  couldn't resist.  they're very nice out here in pennsylvania and have way more children than the usual - so i kinda doubt this is true in any real sense.

[wishful thinker]

What has this got to do why anything?

[pianistimo]

oh.  so now you're the only person who can tell jokes?  i think you are delusional.  you, yourself said 'this is a joke thread, madame.'

[wishful thinker]

oh.  so now you're the only person who can tell jokes?  i think you are delusional.  you, yourself said 'this is a joke thread, madame.'

OK, I apologise    However, despite your editing it, I still don't recognise it as being a joke.  In fact I have no idea what it is supposed to mean.  But, for the love of *** please do not explain, as there is absolutely not point in explaining jokes.

Can you tell us a political joke, or a musical joke, maybe we will get that?

[pianistimo]

ok.  computer jokes.

bill gates is the devil (i'm joking, ok) - his real name is william henry gates III

in ASCII-values and adding III

B - 66
I - 73
L- 76
L - 76
G - 71
A- 65
T - 84
E -69
S - 83
+ 3
-----------
666

ooh.  scary.  don't worry bill.  i don't really believe this.

[prometheus]

I can also make 666 out of your name. Or 777. You can do this with everything.

You just need to find the right way to do it.

[pianistimo]

that's why it's a joke. 

[thalbergmad]

Mother superior calls all the nuns together and says to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent." "Thank God," says an elderly nun at the back of the room, "I'm so tired of Chardonnay..."

[wishful thinker]

Reminds me of the old one

"I'm sorry, I can't come to you party tonight, I have a bad case of diahhoria.

Don't worry , these Scots will drink anything"

[pianowolfi]

Agitatedly a lady rings at the door bell of a famous conductor. He opens. "Maestro, maestro, you need to listen to my son's piano playing. You badly need to listen to him, he is very good. Maybe he can play a piano concerto with your orchestra?" "Well, madam, sorry, but my time is very limited. Perhaps you should better go to somebody else."  "But you really need to listen to him, maestro! He plays like Horowitz! Here I have a Cd, please listen!"  "Ok" sighs the maestro. "But only for 2 minutes!" He listens to the Cd. "Wow, that sounds really like Horowitz!!!! That's amazing!!!" "Yes" says the lady very pleased. " This is Horowitz. And that's what my son plays like!"

[ada]

There's an Englishman who wants to migrate to Ireland, so he goes to the embassy and puts in a request.

He's told, sure, you're welcome to migrate to Ireland but we'll have to remove two thirds of your brain first.

"Jolly good old chap," says the Englishman. "do proceed".

So the Englishman is sent into a room where a doctor attaches a metal device to his head and switches it on.

"Okay, this won't hurt, but after ten minutes it'll have got rid of two thirds of your brain," the doctor says.

"Jolly good," the Englishman replies.

The doctor switches on the device and then gets distracted by a phone call.

Twenty minutes later he realises he's forgotton about the englishman. He rushes into the room and whips of the device.

"Oh my god!" exclaims the doctor, "are you alright?"

The englishman looks at the doctor with a broad smile and says:

"Gidday mate!"

[ahinton]

Reminds me of the old one

"I'm sorry, I can't come to you party tonight, I have a bad case of diahhoria.

Don't worry , these Scots will drink anything"

Some of are actually very particular about what we drink, thank you...(!)

Best,

Alistair

[ahinton]

There's an Englishman who wants to migrate to Ireland, so he goes to the embassy and puts in a request.

He's told, sure, you're welcome to migrate to Ireland but we'll have to remove two thirds of your brain first.

"Jolly good old chap," says the Englishman. "do proceed".

So the Englishman is sent into a room where a doctor attaches a metal device to his head and switches it on.

"Okay, this won't hurt, but after ten minutes it'll have got rid of two thirds of your brain," the doctor says.

"Jolly good," the Englishman replies.

The doctor switches on the device and then gets distracted by a phone call.

Twenty minutes later he realises he's forgotton about the englishman. He rushes into the room and whips of the device.

"Oh my god!" exclaims the doctor, "are you alright?"

The englishman looks at the doctor with a broad smile and says:

"Gidday mate!"

Nice to see you back, "ada"! (and that is, of course meant seriously - not as a joke).

Two Australian student chefs were in a class in La Rochelle, France when their tutor began one session by telling those assembled before him "now, today we are going to learn to do something which, to us French, is very basic but equally important; I am going to show you how to make a roue" - to which one of the Aussies retorted "hey, mate (he hadn't yet learnt to pronounce "Maître" so this was the best he could do) - we're student chefs, not geneticists"...

Best,

Alistair

[ted]

xxx = immigrant of choice

Why are xxxs like haemorrhoids ? Because they come out, won't go back and they give you a pain in the arse.

xxx = nationality or characteristic of choice

How do give a xxx five hours work ? Give him a piece of paper with P.T.O. on both sides.

How do you confuse a xxx ? Stand him in a 44 gallon drum and tell him to piss in the corner.

[ted]

Paddy and Patrick were landing their maiden flight in New York for Aer Lingus.

"Here we go Paddy, there's the runway. Take her down"

"Here we go then Patrick ! God almighty that runway's short !"

"Sure and be Jaysus Paddy but isn't it wide !"

[thalbergmad]

Some of are actually very particular about what we drink, thank you...(!)

Best,

Alistair

A lot of Scots are Exorcists. Wherever they go the spirits disappear.

I once knew a Scot that married a girl who was born on 29th February, so he only had to bur her a present every 4 years.

[ahinton]

A lot of Scots are Exorcists.

"A lot"?. Where's your evidence for that? I've only ever come across one Scots professional exorcist. It's not my religion, anyway...

Wherever they go the spirits disappear.

Among the more sophisticated of us, they tend to disappear very slowly, with much enjoyment to be had during the long, slow disappearing process...

I once knew a Scot that married a girl who was born on 29th February, so he only had to bur her a present every 4 years.

I never knew that you were a compatriot of mine, Thal!

To be serious for a moment, however, Scottish meanness is just one of those national jokes that long ago wore as thin as the other British ones that claimed that all Irish are stupid, all Welsh can sing and all English believe in fair play. I loath and detest meanness in all its forms. Sorabji (who was obviously not a Scotsman but who, on his rare performance occasions, found Scots audiences to be at least as intelligent and receptive as any anywhere) used to say that he, too, deprecated meanness of all kinds wherever and wherever he encountered it, but that meanness in musical creation was the worst instance of all. I can't and wouldn't dream of arguing with that; why give the audience what some of them might have been told that they want, when you can instead make more effort and give them far more than they might have expected?

Best,

Alistair