Yes, I will admit, if I spent constantly all my time doing things that I would rather not be doing, it would definitely taint my life. But, I have spent years doing other things besides paying attention to my musicianship (and witnessing people whom I love be in a profession that eats them alive), and that is why I have CHOSEN the path that I am currently on. And, what I am being reminded of in my life at the moment, is that being on the "right" pathway (for me) is what really matters. It doesn't even really matter how far along or how far back I am (and, I really don't have perspecitve enough to know that information), as long as my feet are on the ground that makes sense to them.
Sometimes I have cursed the living everything out of life and cried from my very guts, that my piano/music path did not go a different way when I was a child than what it did. Somehow, I feel I am over that by now. It has taken me years to get over that, but, somehow I am. I felt so angry because as a very small child, and throughout my childhood, I showed an unusual affinity for music and piano, and I had an unusual ability at the piano and in composition and singing. I felt angry that my parents were not more alert and more able to provide me the opportunities to better develop all that at a younger age (but they did what they could). And, I have hated myself, on some level, for making some of the decisions that I made about it years ago.
However, I am actually grateful now. I am grateful because I do actually love my life, and the fact that I am teaching and spending my days in music and in piano feels like a dream to me. It feels like a heaven that I don't deserve. And, that might change as time moves on and as things progress. But, I have been fortunate (very fortunate) in the teachers that I have come across and I have been fortunate to have been able to
choose this path for myself -- or at least do what seems like some form of choosing this path for myself (though, perhaps my soul does not actually have a choice). And, not everybody gets to do that -- I mean, not everybody gets to choose it. For some people, it's forced upon them, and, I sometimes feel like if I HAD different opportunities as a child, perhaps my music-life would have staled by now -- but it hasn't.
So, for now, I will think simply like a child, and I will be happy to have my practice time and my music at the instrument. It's a gift.
Some people's favorite thing to say to me is that I think too much. Well, perhaps that is true. But, it's because I never want my life to be on anybody's grounds but mine and my creator's. At some point, I might decide I don't want this life anymore, but, I hope it is not because of what somebody else has done to me or told me. I think as much as I do about the ways that I live my life because I am the ONLY one who will be in my skin and on my own bed when it's time for me to leave this life.
I will have to come to terms with the life that I have lived, nobody else will be able to do that for me -- and I will have no choice about
that.
And now, I can tell, I certianly need to go to sleep
. What a ramble
Topic: Somebody convince me to go practise