I am my own worst critic

[amanfang]

Do you ever feel like after you perform, you simply criticize the things that went wrong, and those are the things that stand out to you?  But then everyone else tells you what a great performance it was and blah blah blah.  And then you assume that your friends are just telling you that to make you feel good about yourself.  Anyway, I find that I am my own worst critic, and I assume that it is the case with others as well.  For example, I presented a mini-lecture recital today (it was 15 minutes of a sort of group hour-long thing), and my teacher said it was great and interesting, etc.  But if asked how it went, my response it automatically, "well, it was ok.  I had memory problems in the second piece and totally messed up one section of it.  And of course, everyone else's pieces were much more impressive than mine."

How do you balance criticizing yourself so that you do improve the next time vs. setting realistic expectations for yourself and not being completely "perfectionist-or-it's-a-failure" type thing?

[m1469]

Honestly, I am not sure I am my own worst critic.  I think this is a very popular saying, but my own critic tells me that others are probably pretty critical of me.  In some ways I surely hope I am my own worst critic because I am pretty mean to myself sometimes  .

I think the best way to balance this out is by being *very* disciplined with this critic.  A good way to do that is by discerning in what way the critiques you are making are actually helping you to change your behavior and to find a solution to the problem.  "Where is this thought leading me ?"  Afterall, whatever your result was/is, it's ultimately just feedback that you can use.  It's up to you what you do with it.  A person can get down on oneself for getting down on oneself, too -- talk about a vicious cycle !! 

My personal catch is thinking I am somehow trapped in a behavior and that I am destined to spend the rest of my life making mistakes (perhaps even the same one(s) over and over).  This carries a certain emotional weightiness to it and tends to depress me and get me "stuck."  I find that if I can remain remotely detached from the result and if I can act as some kind of observer, I can help myself out a lot better than if I get personally atached and emotionally attached to it.

Afterall, these kinds of experiences are ultimately just information.  They don't make up all of who we are (and they make up a lot less of who we are if we don't let it rule our lives).

Okay, those are some thoughts off the top of my head.  I may be back.

[amanfang]

Honestly, I am not sure I am my own worst critic.  I think this is a very popular saying, but my own critic tells me that others are probably pretty critical of me.  In some ways I surely hope I am my own worst critic because I am pretty mean to myself sometimes  .

Agreed that others are critical of me as well.  Everyone evaluates what they hear/see or whatever.  But seriously, I think I tend to be harder on myself than others may be.  I have often wondered if it is because when I perform, I have lived with the piece and studied it intensely, that everything sticks out to me, where as perhaps an audience member may or may not be as familiar with the piece as I am at that moment.  I also tend to think that *for the most part* the audience is "on your side" and wants you to perform well, and wants to enjoy the music (or whatever you're doing).

I think the best way to balance this out is by being *very* disciplined with this critic.  A good way to do that is by discerning in what way the critiques you are making are actually helping you to change your behavior and to find a solution to the problem.  "Where is this thought leading me ?"  Afterall, whatever your result was/is, it's ultimately just feedback that you can use.  It's up to you what you do with it.  A person can get down on oneself for getting down on oneself, too -- talk about a vicious cycle !! 

My personal catch is thinking I am somehow trapped in a behavior and that I am destined to spend the rest of my life making mistakes (perhaps even the same one(s) over and over).  This carries a certain emotional weightiness to it and tends to depress me and get me "stuck."  I find that if I can remain remotely detached from the result and if I can act as some kind of observer, I can help myself out a lot better than if I get personally atached and emotionally attached to it.

Afterall, these kinds of experiences are ultimately just information.  They don't make up all of who we are (and they make up a lot less of who we are if we don't let it rule our lives).

Okay, those are some thoughts off the top of my head.  I may be back.

Yes, but how can you be detached from the experience?  A performance of any sort is usually a deeply personal and emotional expression. 

[m1469]

Agreed that others are critical of me as well.  Everyone evaluates what they hear/see or whatever.  But seriously, I think I tend to be harder on myself than others may be.  I have often wondered if it is because when I perform, I have lived with the piece and studied it intensely, that everything sticks out to me, where as perhaps an audience member may or may not be as familiar with the piece as I am at that moment.  I also tend to think that *for the most part* the audience is "on your side" and wants you to perform well, and wants to enjoy the music (or whatever you're doing).

Yes, I think for the most part this is true, though I will say I have had some pretty critical audiences (well, particular audience members at least) who weren't afraid to share their blessed insights either.

Yes, but how can you be detached from the experience?  A performance of any sort is usually a deeply personal and emotional expression.

Yeah, this is pretty tricky.  I think it's a combination of attachment and detachment and there's really no getting around that.  The trick is utilizing it in the right ways.  For example, your observer can even observe what happens when you are emotionally attached to *fill in the blank* -- so, you don't even have to discard the attachment altogether, you just need to observe what happens when you let yourself be attached (and be honest with yourself).   Honestly, I am sometimes too emotionally attached to be that honest with myself ... LOL.

For me, I might observe that I get depressed when I let myself care about what so and so said to me after such and such a performance.  That is information along with the feelings that particular event and memory might evoke.  I can choose what I do with that information. 

Okay, I have more little sprouting thoughts, but that's it for the moment.

[m1469]

Okay, there's a lot more that I have to say about all of this, as it turns out.   But, I can't seem to access it right now  .

[thalberg]

I have a lot of friends who can't stand hearing their own playing.  I'm weird--some days I hear all the bad stuff and other days I think my playing is okay.

I had one violinist friend who came over to borrow my stereo to make an audition tape.  While listening to herself play, she sat in my recliner and listened intently with an expression on her face that said, "Oh my gosh, I am so awesome...this is such impressive playing, I can hardly wait till someone hears it."  The expression was easy to read--and it shocked me!!  But she was a good player, though.

In terms of advice for you, I honestly think that you can't  balance it--listening to our own playing is always a source of suffering that we must force on ourselves.  Unless you're the girl I mentioned above.

[pianochick93]

I'm weird--some days I hear all the bad stuff and other days I think my playing is okay.

The same with me. I am very critical of myself on those bad doays though, because I know what my best is, and I am very ashamed/disappointed that I am not reaching that. I know that I have bad days though, so I'll have a day of rest to get rid of bad thoughts and then go back to practicing as normal the day after.

I also don't like to play my own composition (Only 1 so far...) to others. I will happily play it by myself, but I am a little wary of others criticising in a harch manner, because that could lead to me losing confidence in what little ability I have. If I do have to play it, I will sit there and think 'this is too repetitive, this is a bit boring, etc.'

I can't change it just yet either, because it is due on Friday.