As I am approaching my next performance, I find myself feeling a bit bogged down with particulars regarding the mechanics of it all. I find myself being worried over sections and whether or not they will click exactly how I would like and so on. I find myself being caught up in whether or not I am going to be perfect. The truth of the matter is, this performance will come and go whether the particular clicks happen in the way I would like them to or not. Over this next week, I will keep practicing what needs the attention, but I have realized that I cannot drag my feet into this performance, just going through the motions. Well, I guess I could drag my feet if that's what I allowed myself to do, but why would I perform at all if it is going to be drudgery ?
I have not felt inspired about this work that I have done in preparation (okay, that's not entirely true) and I do not feel particularly inspired about the performance, or at least not lately. And at this point, I feel I need some inrpiration to push me over the wall or the hill or whatever seems to be in front of me.
So this started me thinking this morning as I lay awake in bed, waiting to get up. What would my performance be like if I just dragged myself through it ? I suppose I have just gone through the performance motions before, but I suspect these performances were not very "special" and were probably quite forgettable by the audience. I doubt that people walked away from those performances thinking that they had experienced great art.
So, I wonder, is artistry achieveable without inspiration ?
It seems to me that it is not. In practice, in learning, in teaching, in growing, I observe that I do spend a bit of time going through the motions, and once that starts happening, I begin to subtley wonder why I am doing what I am doing ? Why put in the effort ? What's the point ? I think that sometimes I am willing to go through the motions as a pre-requisite to inspiration, like I am just waiting for the inspiration to strike and then everything will fall into place and when it finally does, I will have "improved" or "achieved" or "progressed" and all the motions that came before would pay off somehow.
Something seems somehow wrong to me about that kind of living though. First of all, are there really levels to inspiration ? To me, inspiration is infinite and without limit, so how could there be times of inspiration and times without ?
In any event, I suppose my question still stands. I have sometimes listened to recordings of myself playing from months (or even years) ago and have thought it sounds artistic and beautiful, when during the recording process it did not necessarily feel "inspired" nor artistic to me at all.
I would like to know your thoughts if you are willing.
Thanks,
Karli