Anxiety and anticipation kill the love of performance

[dora96]

I  love playing the piano in front of people, and love to share music with people. I  currently play in different Retirement villages in my area to gain performance . The people are very nice. They appreciate my music and they also the generation that listened and learned classical music when they were young. However, every time, I can't help that get anxious and feel uncomfortable before I go in the village. Even though, I have been playing the same place with the same piano few times. It should get better with my nervousness. It doesn't go away, it is driven me mad, after the performance, I got quite sick, headache, can't think straight. What is the matter with me, and now I have flashback about my performance. I feel so frustrated, but I know something that I need get over it. I also know members of this forum have given me  lots of practical advise on how to stay focus. The more I try the worse I feel

I play all my repertoires with memorization when I practice at home. But when I get there, I can't play without the music. That's why I make myself to play in public and hope that I can be more confident with my memorization and more professional in the future with my memorization.
The anxiety just inhabits my memory. These places are very relax, the people are not judgmental. Even though, I play with lots of mistakes sometimes, stop and start.  They just keep clapping and encourage me. When can I get used to this panic attack? I just don't know when and how to improve it .

[optima]

Hi! The first thing you must keep in mind is that EVERYONE I mean, ABSOLUTELY EVERYONE is anxious before a concert, a piano recital etc. Now, the problem begins when one cannot control this anxiety and the "normal anxiety" becomes, as you said, a pure " panic attack". I don't know you at all, but first I wanted to ask you why do you use those words?I mean, do you experience "pure" panic attacks, even apart from the recital, at other occasions?If you do, then this is a total different thing, go here to find some help from people that had been experiencing the same thing and overcame it-> https://www.panicportal.com/indexqifl.htm

Now, if it is just about your piano playing, I think the best thing you should do is to find ways to "distract" your mind. You said by yourself that the more you think about this "problem" and the more you try to eliminate it, the worse it becomes. And this is  a general truth - the more you think sth negative, it gets stuck in your head and it "empowers" itself, becoming more and more negative, more and more exhausting.

So, what can you do? I am not an expert, but here is some advice that might help you:
   Accept that you are a "loser". Make the worst scenario in your head. You go up there, and it is a complete "blank" in your head.Or, even better,go and DO THAT ON PURPOSE. You will go up there, WITHOUT SHEETS, and you will place your hands on the piano BUT YOU WON'T EXPECT ANYTHING FROM YOURSELF.In fact, you won't play a single note!!So, the scenario becomes real.The audience(which you said is quite friendly) will begin the applause.BUT, you don't begin, cause you know you cannot play by heart, even if you 've practiced it a million times at home.SO, they continue the applause and after a while they stop,dissapointed from you..And now, you've reached the bottom. What's done cannot be undone.( Macbeth, Shakespeare ). You are a complete loser. And without the sheets, there is no hope. So, the"end" is here. The worst scenario has happened. Even the applause stops and everyone wonders what happened to you....Oh, sure, you've reached the bottom...SO WHAT??Now it is time to play just for yourself. Now that noone is expecting sth from you.

 And  of you still feel so anxious, just quit and admit you cannot play in front of an audience. Close the piano for 6 months and if you miss it, try the same thing after those six months. You know, sometimes, if we have tried EVERYTHING and we still cannot achieve our goal, it is better to admit that we have failed and forget about it. Maybe, after a while it will come naturally. That's what happened to me with dictee as a student. I was so anxious I couldn't hear and understand the notes! I couldn't stay focused, no matter how many tapes I had practiced at home. When I had exams, I couldn't even hear the interval of fifth!! . Poor me, I decided I couldn't do it. I even dumped (for other reasons, of course) music for about 3 years, and I only played the piano for myself.And, after 3 years, when I was 16, i went to a new conservatory and the first day i was supposed to have my dictee lesson, I was SURE i was  going to take a 0!! I mean, I 'd take a zero even after hours of practicing at home with tapes,how was I supposed to do better now that I hadn't practised for 3 years?  and da - da, not only did i do well, but was the only one in class that got it all right!!  

oh, and NEVER EVER look back at your performances!! There is no point crying over spoilt milk! I am sure you re going to make it, as soon as you underestimate it.

[teresa_b]

Hi dora, I feel for you, because I have pretty bad stage fright myself.  My little tricks are to truly THINK about why I'm performing in front of an audience.  Because I LOVE THE MUSIC and I want to express it.  I also want to ENJOY the experience, because why do something if all it does is cause fear and panic?  That totally defeats my purpose in doing it!  Total absurdity.

The other thing I remind myself is, the audience is NOT up there, I AM.  They are there to enjoy and appreciate MY performance, and that is wonderful!  None of them has the nerve or the ability to get up there, and they are not sitting in judgment. 

Remember, nobody will think you are HORRIBLE or AWFUL even if you screw up in the worst imaginable way--forget the whole thing, whatever.  After all, they couldn't have done it at all.

Have fun!!!
Teresa

[dora96]

Thank you again for your respond to my post. I have been posting lots about performance, by talking about it. I feel much better. The music I play it is very demanding, and my expectation is high, even though the audiences don't care less whether or not I can achieve it or not. They there enjoy the classical music. Sometimes, I feel terrible before the performance, once I get into it, it is pretty alright. I just hate the " feeling" I don't know what it is. It is hard to explain it. I feel like to be sentence to death road. You know what I mean.

In fact, I am lucky enough so far, I get to perform in public ( 20- 30 people)  at least once a week. It is a good practice how to deal with different strange environment. At once time, I got to play in mental disorder hostel in the village. I play the 3rd movement pathetique, and suddenly someone jumped up with big scream, and fright the life out of me. I mean how often do you come across situation like this. I do believe no performance is perfect performance, even though we go to piano recital concert, we are waiting for the magic movement. I guess like a tennis match. Not every ball the tennis players in Australian open is perfect one, some loses, some gains. But suddenly there are magic movement, with extraordinary play. I guess that I am searching for the method how to relax before the show, not become too bogged down  about how I perform. It is the psychosocial rather than physical. I hope that someone will understand how I feel.  Thank you for talking to me

[guendola]

Optimas suggestion is radical but not bad. However, before going for that, think about this: Stage fright is a very common challenge to any performing artist, even to famous professionaly. Take it for fact, you won't ever get on stage without it. Instead of fighting it, which usually just makes it worse, expect it to be your companion and concentrate on your main job instead, which is performing music. This is not as hard as it seems, because this companion won't annoy you with any unexpected actions, he is just there and won't go. But if you start to complain, he will argue with you and that makes you weaker.

Another, perhaps second choice, idea: Why not stick with sheet music on stage?

But sheet music or not, never feed the stage fright, it won't thank you for that.

[timothy42b]

The music I play it is very demanding, and my expectation is high, even though the audiences don't care less whether or not I can achieve it or not.

I wonder if this is part of it. 

I play for church services, despite being relatively unskilled compared to the rest of you.  But there was nobody else available. 

Sometimes I can relax and just play.  Other times I dread the next piece, and sit waiting while my anxiety builds wishing I'd overslept or called in sick.  <grin>  That really takes the fun out of it!  The problem for me is that given my skill level and the time I have to prepare, I am often playing way over my head, with a train wreck just one note away.  In my case that's where the fear comes from.  When I play something simple and familiar, I can relax and enjoy it. 

Could you scale back the difficulty and still please the audience?  What I'm suggesting, I guess, is that your anxiety may be justified due to the level you are attempting.    And that your anxiety may well diminish greatly if you're playing repertoire you know you can do well. 

[rc]

Optima makes a good point about becoming humbled...  I've definitely gotten in over my head and made many godawful mistakes in front of a lot of people.  Complete embarassment!

Well, I think these screwups went a long way to helping me not worry so much.  I can absolutely bomb a performance and live to laugh about it.  Not such a big deal in hindsight.  Having learned to accept my mistakes = more calm about any given performance = less mistakes.

[dora96]

I wonder if this is part of it. 

I play for church services, despite being relatively unskilled compared to the rest of you.  But there was nobody else available. 

Sometimes I can relax and just play.  Other times I dread the next piece, and sit waiting while my anxiety builds wishing I'd overslept or called in sick.  <grin>  That really takes the fun out of it!  The problem for me is that given my skill level and the time I have to prepare, I am often playing way over my head, with a train wreck just one note away.  In my case that's where the fear comes from.  When I play something simple and familiar, I can relax and enjoy it. 

Could you scale back the difficulty and still please the audience?  What I'm suggesting, I guess, is that your anxiety may be justified due to the level you are attempting.    And that your anxiety may well diminish greatly if you're playing repertoire you know you can do well. 

I think Tim is right about the high demanding repertoires. I practice really well, when you get there, different environment, I am not in my comfort zone, and play the music with lots of strangers looking at me. I put myself into public performance that I wanted to test drive my repertoires. You can imagine these people don't care about I do it right or not, they are there to be entertained but every times, when I think about if there people are professional musicians  in exam or audition,  I would not pass. That's why it makes me feel bad about it. Of course, sometimes, there are magic movement, I really play it well, they know that not people they know can do it. After thinking about, I can achieve something. However, my point is the anxiety and anticipation is always in my heart before the performance. I just want to give example, like Lang Lang said once, it is really encouraging in his career, he has such as great opportunity to perform in hundred and thousand of auditions that gave him that support and boost in his performance, therefore he is not at least afraid to express himself even though, some people think how ridicular it is. I really like his spirit. I think to have that it doesn't come easily.  Thank you again I think by talking about it, it really eases the anxiety.   

[dan101]

Performing in front of an audience is part of a disiplined mindset. Also, as mentioned, no nerves usually makes for a dull performance.

[Bob]

Maybe just perform more.  Focus on eliminating stress.  Sounds like you already know what those symtoms are.

You can always ease back on the difficulty of music.  Easier pieces.  Or use the music. 

Changing things around like that might help you isolate whatever is bothering you.  If it's a memory issue and you use the music, maybe there won't be the same negative effects.  Then you just work on improving memory.

Set things up so you're succesful.  If it's a retirement community and people are just happy you're there, you have a lot of control over things.  What you play, probably when you play. 

If panic is a problem, I would pick something very easy.  Something you won't have any problems with. 

Practice.  Prep it up.  Practice performing it before you go.  If the performance goes like practice, I consider it a success.  Maybe go ahead of the "real" performance and try out the piano.  Sometimes the performance becomes a little irrelevant (except that it's probably the goal), but you can get everything you want out of the situation without actually performing sometimes.

Sounds like you've got most of the cards.  Don't put yourself in a bad situation. 

Sounds like you want to work on nerves. 

Dang.  Gotta go.

[slobone]

Dora, if you're playing in a retirement village, you don't have to keep things as formal as you would in a public recital. Talk to the audience before you start playing. Say hello, tell them your name, "I'm so happy to have the chance to play for you today," etc. Then before each piece talk about the piece a little bit. Do NOT memorize what you're going to say, that will only add to your anxiety.

Don't be afraid to make eye contact when you do this. I think you'll see a lot of appreciative faces. This will almost certainly put you at ease a little bit. The idea is to play as though it was a group of your friends in your own home. Even make a joke if one occurs to you.

I went to a recital by Renée Fleming where she actually had a microphone just so she could talk between numbers: "I've never been in this city before, but people seem really nice here... I had to go get a shawl because it's a little chilly in here -- is anybody else cold?" etc etc. Actually it got a little old for me by the end, but the audience ate it up. And this was in a very grand auditorium.

Actually a lot of singers do this, but I don't recall a pianist doing it. They just rush out from the wings and plunge into the music. But don't y'all think Glenn Gould and Vladimir Horowitz would have had less stage fright if they'd chatted with the audience? Gould could be quite chatty in other situations apparently.

[lostinidlewonder]

There are a lot of phobias out there, and public performance/speaking is one common amongst many people. The "fear" of public performance is often a very deep psychological issue which must be dealt with in a careful manner.

Gradual exposure to your fears will gradually wear down the effects of fear itself. But how do you go about exposing yourself to it? Retirement village and other smaller gatherings (church, school, social clubs etc) are excellent to use as a platform to deal with your performance anxiety. However exposing yourself to them will wear away your fear every time you do it, you can increase your therapeutic benefit from such events by focusing what many issues cause you your fear.

You mentioned that you feel this anxiety beforehand. A few things I would ask is what are you exactly fearing? Are you fearing that you have forgotten your notes? Are you afraid of the people that are going to listen to you? Are you afraid that you are not going to play the music in your ideal way? Are you afraid that you will totally stuff up and people will think negatively about you? Whatever fear you can generate from public performance it is irrational fear. You should only harvest fear (more caution than fear though) when your life is in danger. You certainly will not die on stage performing music, unless some psychotic music lover mutilates you for making a mistake. Fortunately there are not Hannibal Lecters out there eating you if you play Bach badly

I find in my own students the fear for performance has nothing to do with music itself. It has more to do with a confidence issue with past experiences in public performance. Anyone who  has anxiety as soon as multiple eyes watch them has to realise that this fear was learned, and acquired in the past when we where younger. A lot of this fear comes from public school where you had to perhaps read out loud to a classroom and was embarrassed you couldn't read the words as well as other people. It would be when a teacher told you to stand up infront of the class etc etc. We must learn to pinpoint where our fear where learnt from, then we can really get our hands around it and control and change our fear.

For some people it has nothing to do with fear but rather the dislike of being in the spotlight. A lot of people have a great sense of modesty and do not like to show that they can do something different from other people, something that could be admired. I find that this attitude can be learned from the family that you live in. I find families who encourage their children to do better, the kids like to show that they can do it and they can do things better than others. But some families are indifferent to achievement or encourage that you stay low because there will always be someone better than yourself. I see it in my younger students all the time, the ones which are encouraged by parents to learn and those who either are discouraged or given nothing at all to encourage them (which is just as bad).

I always say this within myself over and over again before I go into public performance: Thank you for giving me the chance to perform. Thank you for letting me be here.

I went to a recital by Renée Fleming where she actually had a microphone just so she could talk between numbers.......Actually a lot of singers do this, but I don't recall a pianist doing it. They just rush out from the wings and plunge into the music. But don't y'all think Glenn Gould and Vladimir Horowitz would have had less stage fright if they'd chatted with the audience? Gould could be quite chatty in other situations apparently.

Pianists are being encouraged more and more to speak to their audience. I have always done so even when I was a young. In australia where most people have no idea who say... Debussy is I find it essential to educate your audience, let them know who the composer was, what they where like, what the music the are going to listen to is about etc. It is the triangle of performance, the music, the audience, the composer all three must be given respect to in a modern concert in my opinion.

Speaking to an audience however is a different art and I can surely say lots of pianists I have listen to speak really are not very good public speakers. However some are so excited and passionate about their music what they want to say comes out eventually.

[goldentone]

I agree with timothy42b.  Would you be afraid to perform Mary Had a Little Lamb?    I doubt it.  So on that note, scale down the difficulty of your pieces a bit and watch the results.

I have noticed that the more my technique improves, the more relaxed I become.  Technique for me is the principle issue in recording myself and performing.

You also mentioned you have high expectations for yourself.  You have to allow yourself to be imperfect, all the while working towards your best.

       

[dora96]

There are a lot of phobias out there, and public performance/speaking is one common amongst many people. The "fear" of public performance is often a very deep psychological issue which must be dealt with in a careful manner.



I find in my own students the fear for performance has nothing to do with music itself. It has more to do with a confidence issue with past experiences in public performance. Anyone who  has anxiety as soon as multiple eyes watch them has to realise that this fear was learned, and acquired in the past when we where younger. A lot of this fear comes from public school where you had to perhaps read out loud to a classroom and was embarrassed you couldn't read the words as well as other people. It would be when a teacher told you to stand up infront of the class etc etc. We must learn to pinpoint where our fear where learnt from, then we can really get our hands around it and control and change our fear.

I think lostinidlewonder know what I am talking about. My fear and anxiety are basically Multiple eyes watching me and they are breathing behind my back. Everywhere is quiet, all the focus is on me. The are listening and I hope I don't play the wrong note, or I hope that my memories don't betray me in the middle of the performance. Last month, I played Mozart Turkish March in the village, I started off the tempo  little bit too quick  , and I went out of control in the middle of the song. I heard someone in the audience said " there was dreadful". I felt little bit uncomfortable. I mean that song is my favor and my party song. I always play it and people always say great about it. I really don't care about that person's comment. But I felt that it was dreadful I agreed. In a performance, I need to control myself how to be  as calm and relax as possible. Sometimes, my personal life can affect the performance, eg lack of sleep, fatigue. rushing between traffic.  Also, some repertoires it is impossible to play well in upright piano. I must admit some of the pianos in the village is quite lousy, the pedal won't work,  the some keys are dull. I don't know what kind of piano I am going to have until I get there. I know I should try out  some of the most professional performance in concert hall or piano competition. However, they are only held once a year. Traveling, date and time  are not always convenient to me. Can anyone suggest that causal classical performance with grand piano I can go apart from Retirement Village ? 

I know no one is perfect, I hope the more I perform in different situations the more I will learn.

[timothy42b]

I wonder if there is the equivalent of a "key thought" that would help you focus.

For example, in golf there are hundreds of things to do correctly in every swing, but you can only think of one or two - head still, weight shift, etc.  So you pick your key thought.

On piano.  I'll probably going to reveal massive ignorance here.  Oh well. 

Sometimes I can feel my fingers on the keys.  Then things are going well.  Then if I get thrown off, and anxiety builds, I can't feel the keys anymore.  I can just make my hands into chord shapes, and sometimes they land in the right place, but usually not, and then things get worse and worse, and then......train wreck. 

Now, not feeling the keys is not the cause but a symptom.  However, I have started to sometimes be able to force myself to feel the keys, and it gets me back into place.  Does that make any sense?

Maybe with you your anxiety builds and then your shoulders tense.  Tense shoulders don't cause your problem, but focusing on relaxing them might fix the problem?  Or something else you could focus on. 

Just a thought, probably wacko. 

[Essyne]

I always try to stay "in the moment" and "in my body," if that makes sense to you. If I find that I am watching myself, I tend to make mistakes because I am not thinking about the phrases that I'm playing and I get off track. Timothy's "key thought" idea is a tool that will help you stay in the present instead of analyzing your performance.

When I started playing at retirement villiages, I was EXTREMELY nervous - even more so than when I played in front of audiences at recitals - I couldn't understand it! The elderly can be very intimidating ( ) because, along the lines of what you said earlier, Dora: they are "the generation that listened and learned classical music when they were young." Just focus on what you're there to do , and uh . . . . *whispers* Most of them can't hear you anyways!

Finally, you said that you can play w/o the sheet music at home, but when you get up to play @ the performance you feel like you need it. I STILL have this problem. But I realized that when I feel like I absolutely need the sheet music, it's because I have not learned the piece; I have only used my muscle memory to "memorize" it. Therefore, I always tell myself that I am "learning" pieces rather than memorizing ((just another thing to "keep you in the moment"))

As for an alternative casual performance, just look around! Sometimes libraries will be hosting small "get togethers," and they are more than happy to have a pianist - ((Even if they're not at the "concert level" - I'm definately!  )). I've always done the Retirement Village route, simply because it's more convenient, but I have played stuff at little parties/theatres/etc. Just getting out and talking to people will open up many windows of opportunity; people really want to help you succeed.

[gyzzzmo]

Maybe try playing pieces in a less official place like a pianobar/restaurant?