Thanks everyone for the discussion, I've learned a great deal.
To ajspiano: I didn't mean to not say a great deal. I think I must be in a different time zone to everyone else. On the day I posted, when I went to sleep there was one reply and when I woke up there were 36, so I missed the whole discussion, and then there was much to read.
to key peg:
Learning to PLAY, however, I mean really learning, and exploring everything to do with the instrument and music, that is fascinating.
I absolutely agree with this. I've come to the realisation that I have to take responsibility for my musical path and that means listening, studying, expressing what is within regardless of my beginning level of compositional expertise and still awkward playing style, and just diving into it. When I actually was a teenager it wasn't music but painting and drawing that obsessed me, further I had acres of time in which to be obsessed. And then you can go to university/college and really devote yourself to something for several years!! which seems a real privilege now from my current perspective (even if it did not at the time)

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Incidentally, a few nights ago, I heard John Cage's Aria performed live, the vocalist was performing gymnastics!! And there were some other wonderful pieces by Ton de Leeuw, Georges Aperghis. Meanwhile I'm reading a book about counterpoint. And my own (miniature) pieces are modal, that's what comes out. So I've begun my exploration.