Trust me, if you're a freak you would've devoured any theory books by now. When I think of a freak, I think of someone who lived on my floor my freshman year. He typed up a 12 pager in 45 minutes and got an A- on it (class average was a C). That's not all though... He only went to class once, and right before writing the paper he spent about an hour reading through like 170+ pages of Foucalt, Derrida, Barthes, and Althuser. I'm certain he was familiar with some of the readings, but to put things in perspective it took me an hour to get through 6-8 pages of the really dense material and other students consider me a quick reader/learner! Some of the readings were such a pain that most students didn't even bother doing the reading and just bullshitted from class discussions.
Anyway, I digress...
The DVD I linked would be suitable for anyone at any level. This is easily available without purchase, if you know what I mean.
I'm not too familiar with beginner method books (I don't teach and I've only used them when I was very young). I suggest you hit up amazon/sheetmusicplus and read reviews (I'm sure you already know this!).
I mean before you start, you should clearly evaluate your goals with piano. If you just want to do this to have fun/dick around, my suggestions are probably not for you unless you enjoy learning for the sake of learning.
Regardless of the genre you want to get into (e.g. classical, jazz, pop, etc.) I would suggest:
1)
This harmony and theory workbook. I actually bought it and never really used it (because I'm lazy and if I'm going to study I'd rather focus on something related to my major), but it's very good. I mean it's extremely simple and easy, but it'll give you a strong theoretical foundation. You do not need a piano for this.
2) A cheap and shitty keyboard, such as
this, for the sole purpose of learning to read music. I strongly suggest that you keep it under $100. Most people quit when they realize how much work is actually involved.
3)
The Piano Handbook . I recently bought this so I can get acquainted to piano music that isn't classical. This is pretty much an encyclopedia in the sense that it gives an overview of something then moves on. This also goes through the basics. I suggest using this conjunction with a search engine and these forums to get more in depth study suggestions. I'm sure imslp also has tons of pdfs of beginner pieces.
4) Ear training software and sight singing resources. You can purchase this or get a book+cd combo. For now, just look this up ear training in a search engine and use a free resource. You want to acquaint yourself with intervals. Do this everyday for a few months. This is boring as hell, but something all serious pianists should do. I'm not serious so I don't do this, but according to one of my teachers, this training enabled him to hear the music when looking at scores.
Couple the above which will set you back $100 with imslp and online resources and you'll have a very strong foundation. You won't have any technique, but technique can be developed in months if you're determined and have the right teacher guiding you.
I do have to warn you that my suggestions are extremely dull. If I were a teacher, I would probably not teach with the books above (I would definitely incorporate the concepts in them, but I would never assign them). The suggestions above are only suitable for someone who is extremely determined.
If after going through the above a bit, you're still interested in learning piano, message me and I'll give you tons of other suggestions that you can look into while you're studying the above. Also, there are so many great books and articles that give insights on voicing/phrasing/timing, but I wouldn't suggest those until you at least learn to read music. If you're a quick learner like you claim, I'd expect you get through the first book (you don't need piano for it) in a few days.