September is Suicide Prevention Month

[cabbynum]

I shared this on facebook the other day and just wanted to share it with my piano friends as well. I write this for the ones out there suffering in hopes that maybe my story can help out in some way. Also my inbox is always open. I am not great at responding on here but I will work on that.
Im just gonna copy and paste it exaclty

September is Suicide prevention month.
I have been waffling on whether or not to share a bit of my story, but I am in a much better place today and feel comfortable sharing.

If you choose to read this, please read all the way through. I swear it gets very positive.
As some of you who know me personally know me not much of this will come as a surprise.
When I was 15 I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital for a suicide attempt. Things after that were stagnant at indifference towards my attempt and I was not open about any of my feelings or what was going on. I had my dips and my rises from there.

Often at school or other social events I would play the character of the class clown. It was easy. The jokes didn't have to be funny I just had to be ridiculous. This served many purposes. I would deflect any serious comment about life in general. I could make self deprecating jokes and laugh at them with those around me because they were based around the character I had created. I could get the nastiest comments thrown at my and not care because they hit the clown. Not me.
All the while I never addressed any of my issues. I had the feeling of being worthless as early as 3rd grade. Not sure if there is a month dedicated to OCD but that has a lot to do with what drives the depression. I noticed these back in 1st grade when I would count peoples stripes on their shirts. Around 3rd or fourth grade is when I felt the strong desire to tell the people how many stripes were on their shirts. I got a few funny comments from that as you can imagine.

The big kicker for me was feeling like I was a waste of space on this planet. A feeling that on a planet that is already overpopulated why should I waste resources and time of others when i feel as though all my endevors are worthless.

That is all about the past and I write it here because I think it is important to give a bigger picture with these subjects. Especially for those of you who are not depressed. I am not saying second guess your funny friends happiness but I have never met anyone who had even the slightest hint of what I was doing that was not absolutely miserable.

I am leaving out lots of details and points that I simply do not want to go over on a facebook
post this public.

The OCD, many people joke about this disorder and claim to have it etc etc. That is extremely insulting. It is an all consuming disease. There have been times where I literally could not function normally because of this. I was at diving practice once and could not saying the word bucket. My voice was hoarse and my lips were raw and in pain. I had to leave early and it took hours for it to finally stop. Another example is when I ironed every piece of clothing I owned. Many people found that to be funny. I spent well over 4 hours ironing my clothes and throwing them against a wall and sobbing hysterically and unable to move on with my life until I "Finished" the job.

A date I have not shared with anyone other than my current therapist is that this past November is when the Suicidal thoughts came back. It was a long time building. I had "had enough" for lack of a better term. I did not tell a soul how low I really was. I had been back on antidepressants for a while at this point.

Skip ahead to March, The thoughts became much stronger and a tad more unmanageable. Each night I hoped not to wake up the next morning. This came and went for a while. In late May I made the decision on how I was going to die and a general timeline. I did things starting in January of this past year that I had on my bucket list. I jumped on a moving train with one of my best friends and we had a hell of a time. I got a girls number within our first meeting. All kinds of dumb things that I had never done before. None of them really bad. Just small things I had always been too scared to do. Or try.

Skip ahead to July 23rd at 3:00 am in St. Louis. I had known for about a month That this was the night it was going to happen. I was at my lowest low. Feeling worthless. Hopeless. Unimportant. A waste of space and resources. I couldn't stop hearing those thoughts running in and out of my head. I called a few random people at 3:00 am that i had opened up to a bit. No one picked up obviously. I had an 85 page suicide note written. Instructions on how to get into my phone and laptop to read it. I put my phone on audio record and started talking about why i was doing this. I left specific messages for important people in my life. I have since deleted this audio file. I half regret deleting it.

I had used Heroin just a few times before this. For the pure purpose of learning how to do it. How to hit the vein. How to mix it. etc. etc.
I started taking shot after shot.
I sat in a chair on the roof of the building we were staying in. I stared out over the cityscape.
I will not go into detail about what happened next as it is extremely personal and I cant think about it without tearing up pretty heavily.

I have no idea how much time passed but I felt a thud. My chest hurt really bad and i was gasping for breath on the ground. I had pissed myself. My hands were blue and I could not move any part of my body other than my head for a few minutes. I slowly gained motion back and feeling and was able to breath regularly after a few hours. Based on some other aspects of what happened that I am not willing to share. I died. Briefly, and fell out of the chair and hit the corner of a step and I guess started my heart back up.

I walked back downstairs. The sun was coming up at this point. I showered and went to bed. Woke up the next morning. I did not tell anyone what had happened. I was driving back by myself and stopped in a gas station to get some snacks for the ride back. Still feeling the euphoria from the drugs. That stopped some where in the gas station and it all hit at once. I broke down and sobbed hardcore.

I assumed, like many, that because I had even touched heroin I was an addict. We found a rehab center that did dual diagnosis. It was a bit of a disaster for me. The mental health portion was not addressed at all. I kept getting pigeon holed as an addict when that was not my problem and the depression and OCD were kind of pushed aside.

The good news though, after the attempt and being so close to being dead i had a paradigm shift on life.

I wanted to be alive. I wanted to move forward with life and I wanted to be happy.
After about 2 weeks I was legitimately at the happiest I have ever been. This emotional feeling has stayed with me. I have had a few dips but nothing major and nothing scary.
I am now staying at an Intensive out patient group home while I am at this level of mental stability so that I can learn the tools i need to be able to handle my brain chemistry. It has been a hell of a journey and for the first time in my life I am excited about what is to come. I am excited to start putting in real effort in my passions and my life. I am excited to be able to be there for people. Without hiding the misery i face myself.

I am excited to be able to be honest with others and be myself.
I have 68 days sober. I do not look at that number as "Oh look at that I have not done any drugs in 68 days" I look at that as "Oh look at that I have 68 days of wanting to be alive. I can not wait to wake up every morning and see what the day has in store for me. The people I will meet. The situations I will see and be in. The funny things that happen around us every single day.
I will still have dips. I will still have OCD episodes, but I am no longer scared.

I wrote this post to share my story and hope it can help someone. We all have that friend we have not talked to in long enough or that relative or just anyone. Reach out to those around you. Even if they are doing great. Share the love. Live life the way you want to live it.
“I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practise resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan-like as to put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a corner, and reduce it to its lowest terms.” Henry David Thoreau

I know there were a lot of dark things in this post and a lot that is uncomfortable to read and for that I am sorry. But I want everyone to know I have never been more hopeful or more excited to be alive.

If any of you on my friends list or not on my friends list needs anything feel free to reach out. I will do my best to be there for you. I know how troubling it is in times like that.
I am Clarke Bynum and this is who I am and I am proud of who I have become and am excited to see where I go.

[Bob]

Timing.... Haha.... September ends today.  In less than 24 hours.  Gone, done forever.  And then the long, cold... dark... winter approaches....