And when i mean garbage, i mean GARBAGE!! I literally made an account here just a few minutes ago just so i can post this, this has been going on for far too long.
The school requires a prelude and fugue from WTC
I am doing prelude and fugue no.2 in cminor. I can't even play it at full tempo. I have to slow down at the first page and the second plays is ABSOLUTE GARBAGE on the presto part. I just cant do it. My arms start to hurt and everything just sounds so uneven and blurry it hurts to hear me play! I try to slow it down in this one part that i just keep stopping and repeating consistently and every time i do i just get more pissed off where the only thing that is keeping me from slamming my electric piano is the fact that my parents cant afford to get me anything better. I practice in the practice rooms of the music school i wanted to attend(they let children from other departments in to play so i use to practice very very often, daily pretty much) which are ACTUAL upright pianos which magically make the 1st page of the prelude sound much cleaner for some strange reason. The second page of the prelude still sounds like garbage and after a while my arms start to hurt and feel stiff. I know its bad technique, but at this point, after playing for seven years, its already too late to do anything about without having to start from scratch, which i have absolutely no time for because the very last audition is in March 19th (around there), and i cant wait until the fall semester because if i do, once i start the performance major the next spring semester(or ANY major at that point since i am currently in some exploratory track), they are going to start charging me double the amount of money for every credit by the time i graduate; so i cant afford to wait its either now or never

. Also, my current teacher doesnt help at all with this despite her "practicing more than 4 hours a day back in Cuba". I think i told her about this but i forgot what she said. It feels like whatever the heck is wrong, it is soo engrained into my head that it will take me months if not more than a year to get everything right. Im still learning the fugue, but i just cant seem to play it right AT ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL in front of people, but it doesnt matter RIGHT? I mean, i can do it fine in the practice room as long as i tune down the tempo a little bit RIGHT? Well i figured that whats the point of even trying to learn this piece if i trip up in the first 5 seconds if i realize someone is watching me REGARDLESS of the fact that i go almost everyday to the lounge of my university to play in front of people and HAVE BEEN for weeks now to the point that people are really getting tired of hearing me play, and i cant really blame them.
A romantic era piece: Valse Brillante OP.34 no.1: I would probabbly make any other pianist vomit if they hear me playing this. It is so different than sayyy someon like Lang Lang or Rubenstein. I can't play this piece in its right tempo either, despite playing it(rather mediocre) for months already. The fact that i cant seem to get this piece to have equal tempo because i keep forgetting to practice it. and the eight page is just so utterly horrible that i cant even change the rhythm as a form of practice and i have to improvise if i play in front of people just to get through the page. Screw this piece straight from the pits of hell, i LOVE the way Lang Lang plays it, i can only wish to play it as he did.
A sonata by Mozart: Mozart sonata no.12 mvt.1: I knew how to play this piece at some point, but it was out of tempo. And the part after the intro were the fingers have to move fast first between a 4th chord, then a minor 3rd, then a major third before hitting the note just a 4th above it. The part whose notes are C G C G Eb C Eb C G(higher) Eb G(higher) C(higher) was and still is blurry, even if i go slow i have to go VERY slow to get it right and at the end i still mess up terribly as i go up without knowing why.
A contemporary piece: Andalucia by Ernesto Lacuendo: THis one seems relatively easy, but trying to get the 5 notes that are supposed to be played in one beat is going to be hard.
In conclusion, i make soo many mistakes that considering the fact that i have been playing piano for seven years now, are just unacceptable to make. I leave every single practice with this INTENSE form of anger and bitterness on a DAILY basis and have been for many many weeks, sometimes more than once a day from watching other pianists like Lang Lang, Vladimir Horrowitz, Valentina Lisitsa, Evgenry Kissin, or Anastasia and Liubov Gromogslava. I honestly feel like if people can be THAT critical about people like Lang Lang and Horrowiz with regards to how apparently "bad" they play, then i feel like i should stay far away from youtube for fear that people will hire hitmen or mafias to come to my house
I absolutely love playing the piano and i also absolutely ABHOR it with a passion. It is like having an abusive wife that cheats on you and makes you insanely angry and yet the next day, there you are giving her flowers only for the same thing to happen and you just put up with it. This exactly describes the way i feel about piano. I stop practicing while feeling absolutely angry, like today, yet i come back the next day for more.
Im sorry for the long post, or i posted this in the wrong place.