What's on your mind now?

[m1469]

Quote from: stevie on August 21, 2005, 10:05:31 PM
i feel like going to sleep and never waking up, dreaming the rest of my life away.

haha really? i cant tell if youre being optomistic or pessimistic.

uh.... LOL... you're funny 

I vote, NEITHER

[m1469]

I am just kinda wondering if, when I took my ring in to get it cleaned last year they switched the diamond with a cubic zarconia and I just cannot tell the difference....LOL .  If that were even possible (for me to not tell the difference -- which I apparently cannot), why bother with the diamond in the first place ?

[thalbergmad]

A diamond will cut glass, the cubic won't.

[e60m5]

I wonder what it is that I sometimes feel that I'm missing.

Besides the obvious.

[026497]

worrying about my English Literature homework. I can't even read or understand a single word in Shakespare's work. How can I write essay about it? people who go to thertre to watch Hamlet must be crazy.

[pianistimo]

it's all about subtle innuendos  (word play) and stuff like that.  people back then would catch on, but we are so far removed, we need it explained to us.  (kind of like older music)  maybe an annotated text is what you need (reading the side annotations to get the gist of the story) like opera summaries.

what's on my mind.  well, i went to wcu to make sure i am signed up for 'the piano concerto.'  sure enough, they took my money.  then, i went tot eh bookstore.  i bought three dover books (two mozart concerto books and the complete beethoven concertos).  then i wondered, what am i getting myself into?  will i ever play any or all of these.  do i have dreams of grandeur or is there a skunks chance in paradise for me?

then, as wierd as this may sound,  i started thinking about cracked eggs.  i was thinking "you don't really know if an egg is good until you crack it."  just like a piano concerto (until you play it).  i feel very possessive of my books.  (just try to take one away).

[paris]

one cute boy is on my mind these days...

okay...and the fact school starts starts 5th september and i'm still on my vacation, with legs in the sea. i can't stand that i'll get into same old routine for few days...argh!

[pita bread]

I'm worrying about auditions and college applications.

I'm annoyed at Mozart's music, I'm pissed off because I can't concentrate on something I find horrifically boring, something that doesn't even appeal to my ears.

I'm pissed off about my audition repertoire in general, I don't want to dig up Ravel's Jeux d'eau from the grave AGAIN.

[thalbergmad]

You sound like me 25 years ago.

[pianistimo]

was that you digging up ravel from his grave (or je deux?)

can't imagine you not liking mozart.  how could anyone not like mozart.  mozart is cool.  mozart is, well, imo, he's  perfection.  nobody wants to hear him all day long, but once in a while it's not so bad.  i agree, practicing him everyday can get old. maybe alternating with other music?

[thalbergmad]

I was refering to the audition repetoire.

I remember telling my teacher " i'm not playing any of that crap"

End of career.

[princessdecadence]

Pillows! Big fluffy pillows! It's 5 AM and I need some sleep. Been talking to a friend in trouble - oh how I hate it but how I must.

[pita bread]

I was refering to the audition repetoire.

I remember telling my teacher " i'm not playing any of that crap"

End of career.

Well, that's basically the point I'm at right now. I mean, I love Baroque and 20th century, but those 200 years in between have interested me less and less over the years. It's not like I haven't had exposure to it (I played Mozart, I've tried Beethoven, I learned the Mephisto Waltz, I learned a Chopin prelude) but now, it seems like a chore to me. It should'nt be like that. Whether you're a professional or amateur, music should be enjoyable, that's the bottom line.

So now I'm thinking about applying, and possibly majoring in architecture or something like that. I guess I won't be auditioning (that actually kinda takes a burden off my back)

It's just not worth it to me, to have to suck it up and learn music I don't enjoy for auditions, let alone 4 years at the university or conservatory, then another 4 years for my masters. I mean I could change, maybe I'll end up liking classicism, but tomorrow I'm going to be starting my senior year, and auditions would be in January, it's just not enough time.

I guess I won't be making a career in music then. I hope I don't regret my decision later. I'm so tired right now, and my eyes are tearing up, 4 hours of practice a day everyday, and now I'm giving up? It might not seem like much, but for a 17 year old, it's disheartening. Oh well, now maybe I'll be able to enjoy my Ravel without any pressure.

[m1469]

I am just sort of thinking about how deep this whole thing is... how thick this here wall is... what it's going to take to get through it... and lastly, I wonder how long, exactly, a person could fly ? 


I want to learn how to fly... I would like to fly... I am going to fly....



*dear lord, make me a bird, so I can fly far, far, far away.... dear lord, make me a bird, so I can fly far, far, far away... dear lord, make me a bird.. so I can fly far, far, far away.. dear lord..*

[stevie]

hahahaha, mayla, mildly insane, but sexy.

[m1469]

hahahaha, mayla, mildly insane, but sexy.

Hey ! 

The birdy part is from Forrest Gump, Jenny is repeating this "dear lord..." bit as she is in the field not wanting her father to find her.

[Torp]

... and lastly, I wonder how long, exactly, a person could fly ? 

I believe it is directly proportional to the height from which they are dropped.

[m1469]

I believe it is directly proportional to the height from which they are dropped.

he he... that was indeed, pretty much, the riddle.  However, I was thinking more in terms of one who jumps voluntarily 

[Torp]

However, I was thinking more in terms of one who jumps voluntarily 

Then, of course, the same "height" constraints apply....it all just depends on how badly you want to hurt when you hit the ground.

[m1469]

Then, of course, the same "height" constraints apply....it all just depends on how badly you want to hurt when you hit the ground.

Well, it seems one would choose a height that causes one to never truly hit the ground, and, they simply fly away.

[tuti]

 0?!Glad to send a first message ever , in any kind of forum, or chat-room.This will do for a
first time. For me , "piano street" is a real expirience.

[Torp]

Well, it seems one would choose a height that causes one to never truly hit the ground, and, they simply fly away.

You're a quick study.

[stevie]

Hey ! 

The birdy part is from Forrest Gump, Jenny is repeating this "dear lord..." bit as she is in the field not wanting her father to find her.

oh i rememebr that part sorry 

radnomly a wikid touching movie

[gilad]

had a wild night out, my birthday,24. it was a day of reflection and i wasnt to happy at all. i went out to a few nightclubs and smoked  a lot of cigs and had a lot of beers and whisky. I dont usually drink or smoke, it was a rough night and my chest and brain are feeling like they've processed for use in a mcdonalds hamburger and thats not very good. I've been a prim and proper hermit for to long, i've forgotten what it means to live and let live. i had great time tonight, the music was bad, but the ladies looked sexy dancing to it, i loved my birthday, i wish i could be reborn again everyday, but i suppose we all are everytime we open our sealed eyes to the light of day. i should go to bed now it's 4:30 am and i have to be reborn in the morning, or rather in all probablity the afternoon, with a hangover and sore chest and then go to mcdonalds and eat my brain and lungs for breakfast. my my i'm so charming when i'm tipsy.goodnight.

[bernhard]

Tax return (must be in on 30/9)

[thalbergmad]

10 months now without a smoke.

Put on 3 stone.

I will die from obesity instead of cancer.

[bernhard]

10 months now without a smoke.

Put on 3 stone.

I will die from obesity instead of cancer.

Nah. The damage is done. You still going to die of cancer (the obesity will probably give you diabetes though)


Actually this reminds me of a joke.

A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred. The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?"

"No," he replied, "I've never done either."

"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?" inquired the doctor.

"No, I've never done any of those things either."

"Are you a Christian or some kind of a religious person?"

"No, I don't believe in anything."

"Well then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for?"

And maybe this will cheer you up:

More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.
(2) More people are killed each year by coconuts than sharks. Approximately 150 people are killed each year by coconuts.
(3) You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.
(4) Fleas have the distinction of killing more people than all the wars man has ever fought. The "Black Death" plague killed 1/4 of Europe's population in the 14th century, caused by germs transmitted from rodents to humans by fleas.
(5) The animal responsible for the most human deaths worldwide is the mosquito.
(6) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(7) A hundred years ago, the average life expectancy in the United States was forty-seven.
( Today, only one in two billion people will live to be 116 or older.
(9) Your statistical chance of being murdered is 1 in 20,000. 
(10) There are 5 times as many deaths due to the negligence of doctors as there are deaths due to firearms. 
(11) On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.
(12) Robert Hershey, of Hershey Chocolate fame, died when he fell into a vat of chocolate and drowned.
(13) Dr. Alice Chase, who wrote "Nutrition for Health" and numerous books on the science of proper eating, died of malnutrition. 
(14) Adolph Hitler's mother seriously considered having an abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor.
(15) When Mahatma Gandhi died, an autopsy revealed that his small intestine contained five gold Krugerrands.
(16) When Thomas Edison died in 1941; Henry Ford captured his last dying breath in a bottle.
(17) In 1845, President Andrew Jackson's pet parrot was removed from his funeral for swearing.
(18) Robert Todd Lincoln, son of Abraham Lincoln, was present at the assassinations of three presidents: his father's, President Garfield's, and President McKinley's. After the last shooting, he refused ever to attend a state affair again.
(19) When Mark Twain was born on Nov 30, 1835, Halley's comet was visible over Florida, Missouri. Mark Twain predicted in 1909 that he would die when it returned. He was right. When he died on April 21, 1910, Halley's comet was once again visible in the sky.


Best wishes,
Bernhard.

[thalbergmad]

glad i am not a praying mantis

[paris]

what's on your mind right now...

i've made big and tough decision today which can change my life forever. i wonder and hope i made the right one.

[thalbergmad]

what's on your mind right now...

i've made big and tough decision today which can change my life forever. i wonder and hope i made the right one.

Please tell me more my little Croatian cutie.

[dave santino]

Hmmmm, we could help you......no, seriously, we could.

[paris]

well when you reach some point in your life you have to decide about your career, future, existance...sometimes having good marks and be successful on both sides can make your decision more difficult. i was dealing with my inner fears and doubts about failing as a musician and on other side-with thougts what if i end up doing something i'm not really into. after months of thinking and worrying last sunday it all turned out to me. next day i went i changed school. now i'm just taking exams and no more going to school.just piano. well again,
wish me luck 

[stevie]

haha really? i cant tell if youre being optomistic or pessimistic.


uh.... LOL... you're funny 

I vote, NEITHER

hahaha, actually that was a dark time for me, my girlfriend broke up with me, but we got back together since, all is fine.

[gorbee natcase]

Why didn't i take the blue pill

[stevie]

Why didn't i take the blue pill

hahahaha, mildly matrix, barely neo, possibly morpheus

[thalbergmad]

well when you reach some point in your life you have to decide about your career, future, existance...sometimes having good marks and be successful on both sides can make your decision more difficult. i was dealing with my inner fears and doubts about failing as a musician and on other side-with thougts what if i end up doing something i'm not really into. after months of thinking and worrying last sunday it all turned out to me. next day i went i changed school. now i'm just taking exams and no more going to school.just piano. well again,
wish me luck 

Well done. I wish i made a decision like that at your age.

Good luck

[pianistimo]

yes.  now look at us.  it's too late to win a competition, but we strive to master what is left for us.  the stacks of music in our music rooms attest to the fact that we have studied for many years and somehow lack the recital programs, snapshots, trophys and plaques on the wall to show for it.  (ok, i have one for bachelor's degree - but i didn't put it on the wall)

you know what i have on the wall?  my daughter's artwork.

ps what am i thinking right now?  how good those meatballs were in the spaghetti last night.  i bought them from whole foods.  they were already spiced, rolled up, etc.  and i just put them in a pan with a little water, let them cook, and then put the sauce in.  much better than just ground hamburger! 

ok.  second thought - i'm going to play a piano concerto someday.  i don't care how long it takes or who hears it.  and, i'm not going to settle for a middle  school orchestra accompaniment either.  it has to be at least a community college orchestra with a decent conductor.  i'm going to do it.  (dares self to just walk in to the pottstown orchestra and declare that they simply must hire me for the next season to perform leroy andersons' piano concerto).   

[Mozartian]

What was so clear, is now overcast
With mixed emotions
Deep in your heart is the answer
Find it, I know it will pull you through

[m1469]

.

[Mozartian]

One cannot be a teacher without a student, but,

Can one be a student without a teacher ? 

yes.
The word student only implies that you are someone who studies something, not necessarily with a teacher.
I should know, I'm a living example of that. 

currently thinking... BLAST latin verbs and declensions! why can't it be straightforward like english? (ha ha ha)

[thalbergmad]

I am thinking do I buy the Skyline or the Lotus.

[trix]

The following haunt my mind :

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Can you cry under water?

How is it that we put men on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you "in" a movie, but you're "on" TV?

Since bread is square, then why is most sandwich meat round?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in," but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"?

Why do we choose from just two people for President and 50 for Miss America?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up 10 times every hour?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why do thaw and unthaw mean the same thing?


Does a clean house indicate there's a broken computer in it?

Do cows have calf muscles?

If a funeral procession happens at night, should people drive with their lights off?

Shouldn't it be, "Some things in moderation"?

Why are builders afraid to have a thirteenth floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?

Aren't all generalizations false?

Why aren't there bullet-proof pants?

Sooner or later, doesn't everyone stop smoking?

Have ex-civil lawyers been distorted?

When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

Why don't you ever see the headline Psychic Wins Lottery?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

How can the weather be "hot as hell" one day and "cold as hell" another?

If women ran the Pentagon, would missiles and submarines be shaped differently?


Why do they call it a TV "set" when you only get one?
 
 
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Why do they call it a TV "set" when you only get one?

Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

What does it mean if you break a mirror with a rabbit's foot?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called "rush hour"?

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?

Would a part-time bandleader be considered a semi-conductor?

Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?

Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

Why is bra singular and panties plural?

"I am" is reportedly the shortest complete sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest?

Are people more violently opposed to fur rather than leather because it's much easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs?

Why is a boxing ring square?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

How does a shelf salesman keep his store from looking empty?

If a chronic liar tells you he is a chronic liar do you believe him?

Why do we sing "Take Me Out to the Ball Game" when we are already there?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"?

If a case of the clap spreads, is it then considered a case of the applause?

How do they get deer to cross at those yellow road signs?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?

Can an ambidextrous person make an off-handed remark?


Could it be that boulders are statues of big rocks?
 
 
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Could it be that boulders are statues of big rocks?

Why is it so hard to remember how to spell "mnemonic"?

Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

Why do "tugboats" push?

Do bleached blondes pretend to have more fun?

If a man speaks, and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?

Does anybody ever vanish with a trace?

How can "quite a lot" and "quite a few" mean the same thing?

If you throw a cat out of the car window, does it become kitty litter?

What do people in China call their good plates?

Do chickens think rubber humans are funny?

Why is a women's prison called a penal colony?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Why do irons have a setting for permanent press?

How can you tell when sour cream goes bad?

How much sin can I get away with and still go to heaven?

How young can you die of old age?

Can you be arrested for selling illegal-sized paper?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?

If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

If you're born again, do you have two belly buttons?

What if there were no hypothetical situations?

Where would we be without rhetorical questions?

Will your answer to this question be no?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why are there still monkeys and apes?

Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets are dressing up as mattresses?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?

If you choke a Smurf, what color will it turn?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

If vampires have no reflection, how come they have such neat hair?

Do good S&M fans go to Hell?

If swimming's such good exercise, how come whales are so fat?

If you throw a kitten out of a moving car, would it be considered kitty litter?

How do Keep Off The Grass signs get there?

Could God make a burrito so hot he couldn't eat it?

Do we make bombs better or worse?

Why don't sheep shrink in the rain?

If a person told you they were a pathological liar, would you believe them?

Can you learn to read from a "Reading for Dummies" book?

If someone gives you a penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, where does the other penny go? Do you get change?

If pro is the opposite of con, and progress is moving forward, what is congress?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?

If Jimmy cracks corn, and no one cares, why is there a song about it?

Why is an alarm clock going "off" when it actually turns on?

If love is blind, how can we believe in love at first sight?

Why is it that raindrops, but snowfalls?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconuts, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Why do they call it "getting your dog fixed," when afterward, it doesn't work anymore?
 
If a drug store is open 24 hours, why are there locks on the doors?

If you make a cow laugh, will milk come out its nose?

Why can't Mr. Fork and Mr. Electrical Socket be friends?

Who was the first to see a cow and think "I wonder what will happen if i squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?"

If a schizophrenic threatens suicide, is it declared a hostage situation?

Why was the Holy Roman Empire neither holy nor Roman?

If a tree falls on a mime in the woods, and there's no one there to hear it, does the mime make a sound?

What is the speed of darkness?

If a man washes a dish, and no woman is around to see it, did it happen?

Why doesn't onomatopoeia sound like what it is?

How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

Do three headed fire dragons have heated arguments with themselves?

Why exactly is there a snow-globe with summer scenes?

What do picket sign writers put on their signs when they go on strike?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do they all have to drown?

Why is minimalism such a big word?

If buttered bread always lands on the butter-side down and a cat always lands on its feet, what happens if you strap buttered bread to a cat's back?

What'd happen if the man took the advimil and the woman took the viagra?

Why do ballerinas stand on their toes? Can't they just get taller women?

Do fish get thirsty?

If you learn from mistakes, why aren't I a genius?

Why don't people on TV ever go to the bathroom?

How do blind people know when they are done wiping?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?

If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?

Why do banks leave both doors open, yet they chain pens to the countertops?

Why do people order a double cheeseburger, large fries, and a diet soda?

Why is there Braille on drive-through ATM machines?

Who copyrighted the copyright symbol?

Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected the expected?

If a building is on fire, and you make more fire, would it be considered making the fire worse or better?

Why are there five syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

How is it that "Fat Chance" and "Slim Chance" mean the same thing?

Can fat people go "skinny dipping"?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

[klavierkonzerte]

on wednesday i ditched one of my friends and right now i'm thinking of of an  excuse

i can't find one   

[bernhard]

The following haunt my mind :

I will try to put your mind at rest (at least partially)

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
By increasing the volume they hope to get more depth.


If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Er… Money does not grow on banks either (at least mine doesn’t)

Can you cry under water?
Yes. Especially if a shark eats your leg.

How is it that we put men on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
You cannot do everything at once. Priorities.

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Yes. Because it is the judge, not the deaf person who is listening. However, if the judge is deaf, then the juri should take that into consideration.

Why are you "in" a movie, but you're "on" TV?
It is possible to climb on a TV.

Since bread is square, then why is most sandwich meat round?
Because bread tins are square and animal limbs cylindrical. It would be awkward to take the baked bread out of the cylindrical tins. Anyway, ever heard of baguettes?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Because we don’t wear toilets on our crotches.

Why do you have to "put your two cents in," but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"?
Super valuation of one’s own thoughts and underestimation of other people’s thoughts.

Why do we choose from just two people for President and 50 for Miss America? The American people let their leaders get away with legislation that allowed the present process of president choice to become less and less democratic. With a far more important event as Miss America everyone was alert and they did not let it happen.

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up 10 times every hour?
“they” slept like babies, not “you”.

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
See the bread salami question above. And Pizza Hut now makes square pizzas

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Dishwashing liquid is also made with flavouring. The marketing department is lying (as usual)

Why do thaw and unthaw mean the same thing?
To confuse foreigners trying to learn English.

Do cows have calf muscles?
Yes. But calves apparently have no cow muscles.

Shouldn't it be, "Some things in moderation"?
But then what can “moderation in moderation” possibly mean?

Why are builders afraid to have a thirteenth floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
Because 11 is not a bad luck number.

Aren't all generalizations false?
Don’t all rules have exceptions?

Why aren't there bullet-proof pants?
Because contrary to what men may think, a bullet below the waist is not fatal. A more pertinent question would be, why aren’t  bullet proof scarves, and bullet proof helmets/hats.

Sooner or later, doesn't everyone stop smoking?
Not if you are cremated.

 
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
First aid.

Why don't you ever see the headline Psychic Wins Lottery?
Ah! That is a common misconception and I will take this opportunity to answer it in full. First understand that if the future is predictable, it is also unchangeable. If you can change the future, then you cannot predict it anymore. Moreover, for the future to be predictable it must already have taken place. So when a psychic predicts the result of the lottery, s/he must also predict who will win it. Therefore unless that person happens to be him/her, s/he will not be able to win the lottery, since this would change the future, which means his/her prediction was unreliable in the first place.

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Some Englishmen (and a lot of orientals) don’t. It is a genetic trait. Either that or he shaves.

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If all the world is a stage then we are all actors. The question is not: “where is the audience sitting?”, but “where is the audience?”

How can the weather be "hot as hell" one day and "cold as hell" another?
Clearly, there are seasons in hell (there is a thermodynamic explanation as well – but it is too long).

If women ran the Pentagon, would missiles and submarines be shaped differently?
No, but a vibrating device might be attached.


Why do they call it a TV "set" when you only get one?
Because if you got two it would be “sets”.


 
Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
I may be misinformed on this one. Can any one get insurance for acts of God? And if so, shouldn’t the insurance companies be suing God?

What does it mean if you break a mirror with a rabbit's foot?
You have not tried that, have you? It means you are over intellectualising.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called "rush hour"?
Relativity. Since the traffic is slow the time (“hour”) rushes.

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
What about all left?

Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
Only if hungry cows have avenous appetites.

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
Because asteroids are actually quite far from Uranus, while hemorrhoids, are right in it.

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Who said we can’t?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Much colder. Actually twice as cold. (Wrong question, wrong answer).


Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
I thought that was the idea.

What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
Clearly you have never dated.

Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
It denotes if you are going up or down a hill.


Why is bra singular and panties plural?
Panties has an s at the end, bra does not.


Are people more violently opposed to fur rather than leather because it's much easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs?
Actually no. The most likely explanation is that they cannot recognise the animal once it has shaved all hair.

Why is a boxing ring square?
Because a box is usually square (even if a pizza is round)

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Because he is investing your money, not his.

 
If a chronic liar tells you he is a chronic liar do you believe him?
Belief has nothing to do with the truth of a statement. The proper question is: “If a chronic liar tells you he is a chronic liar, is he telling the truth?”That should keep you awake!

How do they get deer to cross at those yellow road signs?
Compulsory community lessons.

Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?
Doesn’t it?

Can an ambidextrous person make an off-handed remark?
Yes, s/he can. And with both hands!

Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
Shouldn’t they be called limbs?


Do bleached blondes pretend to have more fun?
Are blondes who change their hair colour a prime example of artificial intelligence?

If a man speaks, and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?
If a man speaks, it is pretty obvious there is no woman there to hear him, since if there was she would be doing the talk (we hate to interrupt)


How much sin can I get away with and still go to heaven?
If you have a plenary indulgence from the Catholic church you can sin as much as you please. How do you get one? There are many ways, and you will have to do some research, but I can tell you two: 1. Do the Pilgrimage to Santiago de la Compostella on foot (you can go by bike) by the old trail (The milky way) and 2. Thak holy communion every first Friday of the month for 9consecutive months.

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go? Not all nations in the world are in debt. And the money is all in Switzerland (or the Bahamas).

 If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?
If you mean anti-pasto, then you would be very full. If you truly mean anti-pasta, then you would disappear once thy both met in your stomach (and most likely the whole town would disappear as well).

Will your answer to this question be no?
Maybe.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why are there still monkeys and apes?
Man did not evolve from monkeys and apes. Man, monkeys and apes all evolved from a common ancestor (who is not around anymore).

 
 Is there another word for synonym?
No, but its antonym is antomym. So it sort of compensates for your question.

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
Not if it is perfect practice (practice does not make perfect, perfect practice makes perfect)

 
If vampires have no reflection, how come they have such neat hair?
They have hairdressers.


How do Keep Off The Grass signs get there?
They are put there before the grass is put there.

Could God make a burrito so hot he couldn't eat it?
He could, but he would need to eat at least a bite to realise he couldn’t possibly eat it.

Do we make bombs better or worse?
Than whom?


 
Can you learn to read from a "Reading for Dummies" book?
I already know how to read.

If someone gives you a penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, where does the other penny go? Do you get change?
It depends of the current pound/dollar exchange rate.

If pro is the opposite of con, and progress is moving forward, what is congress?
Immobilising forward?
 
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Because otherwise there would be no point in abb. it.

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
aha! That is how you do it!
 
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
How would you know unless you have tried it? (both, mice and cat food)

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
The employees.

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Well, why not? After all they are also called flats and yet they rise up.

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Because women can’t close their mouths


If Jimmy cracks corn, and no one cares, why is there a song about it?
Is there?


If love is blind, how can we believe in love at first sight?
Love is not blind. Love blinds. So the problems start after the first sight.

Why is it that raindrops, but snowfalls?
Rain is liquid, snow is solid.

If a drug store is open 24 hours, why are there locks on the doors?
For holidays.

If you make a cow laugh, will milk come out its nose?
Only if she is drinking it at the time.

Who was the first to see a cow and think "I wonder what will happen if i squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?"
I was going to say a calf, but it probably did not start with a cow. Most likely was a husband and his pregnant wife who started it all.


Why was the Holy Roman Empire neither holy nor Roman?
Marketing. Think invading Iraq to bring democracy to its people and you will start getting the idea.

What is the speed of darkness?
Depends how much in a hurry darkness is.

If buttered bread always lands on the butter-side down and a cat always lands on its feet, what happens if you strap buttered bread to a cat's back?
You get an antigravity device.


If you learn from mistakes, why aren't I a genius?
Because it is about learning from mistakes, not about making mistakes.

Why don't people on TV ever go to the bathroom?
What do you think adverts are for?

How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
When you loose one sense the others get better. So, smell, touch, audition make up for it (and perhaps taste).

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Only if she hears it.


Why do people order a double cheeseburger, large fries, and a diet soda?
Part of a calorie controlled diet.

 Who copyrighted the copyright symbol?
Michael Jackson  (or was it Paul McCartney?)

 
Best wishes,
Bernhard.

[pianohopper]

How did you become so wise? 

(I expect a snappy answer to this too.) 

[leahcim]

First understand that if the future is predictable, it is also unchangeable. If you can change the future, then you cannot predict it anymore.

Counter example:
"If you don't move that car by the time I count to five, then you're going to lose your head"

Contains both prediction and allows for events to change. Besides, the key thing to predict in the lottery case is what the 6 numbers will be, not who wins, and then buy a ticket with those numbers

[oh yeah 1p is more or less 2 cents - especially if you add vat to the former ]

[bernhard]

Counter example:
"If you don't move that car by the time I count to five, then you're going to lose your head"

Contains both prediction and allows for events to change. Besides, the key thing to predict in the lottery case is what the 6 numbers will be, not who wins, and then buy a ticket with those numbers

[oh yeah 1p is more or less 2 cents - especially if you add vat to the former ]

Typical compartimentalised thinking (very useful in certain circumstances, but in others leading to gross errors).

No, this is not a prediction leading to change. This is a threat hoping for a desired outcome.

A real prediction would be what would happen:

1.   He is going to move the car and keep his head.
2.   He is not going to move the car and is going to lose his head.

If you cannot say with the utmost assurance (and being proven right in time every single time) which of the two options (or maybe even a third: He does not move the car and he punches your nose – oh boy! I never saw that coming!) then clearly you are not predicting the future.

Now you have two choices here (or maybe even a third, but we will keep it simple).

1.   It is impossible to predict which of the two scenarios will develop, since it will ultimately depend on the choices made by individuals. If so, then the corollary is that you believe that the future does not exist until it happens. Or you can do it backwards and say that since the future does not exist until it happens it is impossible to predict. If that is your case, then the whole psychic stuff is just mumbo-jumbo and you abhor determinism in science (not so popular these days, but one hundred years ago almost every physicist could be counted as one of them).

2.   However, if you believe you can predict with the utmost assurance (through whatever means, mystical or scientific) which of the two options will result, then the future exists already, and you are having a glimpse of it and telling us all about it. But if the future exists, then there is no choice, just the illusion of choice: the guy will loose his head, the guy will not loose his head, or the guy will punch you in the nose, no matter what. And this is the point you seem to be missing: You cannot predict the future peacemeal. If the future already exists (the only situation in which it is predictable), then the whole Universe is frozen and nothing can be changed. Yes, the 6 numbers will be there somewhere in the future, but so will the winner. If you predict (or get a glimpse) of the future numbers, you will also get a glimpse of the future winner. If your prediction is absolutely correct in relation to the numbers, it cannot be incorrect in relation to the winner (since you will win instead or together with him, and this was not in the already existing future). If you can change the future, you cannot predict it anymore, and therefore your prediction of the numbers is unreliable.

Predicting just the bit of the future that interests you, and then replacing the philosophical assumption that allowed you to do that by one that does not allow you to predict the future in order to take advantage of it by changing the future, is not an honest thing to do and shame on you for trying .

 So, it is unfair to the psychics to use the fact that they cannot change the future and win the lottery with their knowledge of the numbers. Specially when there are a lot of far more fair ways to do the job without having to show that one is a logical moron in the process.

This is an excellent opportunity to transform this otherwise innocent thread in a vociferous religious debate. So let us do it (I believe I can predict what will happen) .

Because, you see, for the christians (include Islam here) believe that god knows all – that is, the future already exists and is predictable (hence the prophecies telling us what will happen no matter what). And yet they insist god gives them free will, which really is only possible if the future does not exist and not even god knows how it will turn up. This is of course heretic, since god is a know-all kind of guy. He is also a mafia don (a wise guy?) who will make you a proposal you cannot refuse (“love me or go to hell”: it is your free will!), and a stalker (“Christianity is not a religion, it is a relationship and Jesus wants a relationship with you! He knows everything you do and all the hairs in your head, and your innermost thoughts, and if they are not about loving him, you go to hell” please, get me an injunction order against this weirdo who will not take no for an answer and is invading my privacy).

This sort of contradiction gets them all agitated and it is not long before the random bible quoting starts. It doesn’t really sort out anything, but makes them feel better.

And let me be clear here to the Christians (include Islam here): this is not a tirade against religion. It is a tirade against the way some people talk about religion and god. Listen to yourselves and consider if you are doing it a service or disservice.

Now if you excuse me, I have to check my horoscope for the incoming week.

Best wishes,
Bernhard.

[leahcim]

Now if you excuse me, I have to check my horoscope for the incoming week.

...I went and moved the car

I'm sure an argument can be made with lots of feyman diagrams and arm waving that the future isn't all one event and information travels between them only at the speed of light etc meaning that at the time you know the numbers you don't need to know who the winner is - use the week where the winning ticket is discarded and pick it up off the pub floor.

...and not wishing to be a spelling nazi, but why does everyone spell lose and loose wrong on the internet? It must be a phonetic typing thing - it's certainly not like your average  skool kids not writing proper like we does - everyone seems to do it.

[m1469]

just kinda humming... quietly, to myself 

[ted]

When I was younger and had been reading books by John Dunne and J.B. Priestley about time and dreaming, I kept an extensive dream diary to see if I dreamed of future events. I was amazed to find, like these writers,  that my dreams contained an enormous amount of seemingly precognitive detail. For some months I was carried away with all sorts of mystical, semi-religious notions. I now think what happens is akin to the Ramsey effect (Frank Ramsey, early twentieth century mathematician). It's much the same as the apparently astonishing coincidence when two people present at a gathering are found to have the same birthday.

Once data reaches a certain heft, patterns and correlations arise in the nature of things. Add to that the vigilantly active unconscious mind, the natural preference we have for data emotionally significant to ourselves, coupled with the natural desire to feel special, and it would be surprising if any of us had not experienced amazing precognition, at least once or twice.

I still pay attention to dreams, however. Under all their visionary, and thoroughly pleasurable experience there usually exists a quiet and useful suggestion from my unconscious.