What to do about the students who cry or get very dejected?

[Bob]

You see the tears welling up.  The student looks very discouraged.  The student answers your questions with a quick "yes" even though it's obvious they aren't listening.  The student almost runs away when the lesson is over.

What do you do in any one of these situations.  I'm working with the student on the things we should be working on.  I'm not being an ogre either -- it has something to do with the material.  Probably too difficult, would you agree?  That and the student's not practicing.

Any thoughts on what to do "in the moment" of this situation and how to deal with it in the long term?

[pianonut]

how old?  this happened to me last semester and i'm 44 (was 43).  maybe that will encourage them?  of course, then i thought, i'm not going to cry, i'm older than my teacher.  this doesn't make any sense.  i made a joke and then went out, head bowed, thinking of kicking the tires on my car before honking the horn all the way home.

as you teach, you become more and more aware of what the level of each student is, and what to expect - so you're right - you'll have correct expectations of the difficulty levels.  some kids can handle more, and you might be right to be a little more direct.  others (girls?) sometimes take it as a personal insult and all their precise practice (though done wrong all week) was a pile of #.  maybe, you have to have incentive for even the bad players.  say if you have 3rd to 5th graders, you could have 'good behavior bucks'  if they're quiet - if they learned the music - if they listened (you can ask = does anyone remember what i just said?)  = extra behavior buck right there on the spot.  then they can redeem these after class at the table in the back with all the pencils, stickers, etc.  you'd be surprised how well behaved they'll be.  especially if once in a while they get a real $5.00 bill or gift card or something.  secretly find out what they like.

[Bob]

Yeah, I think it's just a matter of getting in tune with the student.  I think I'm either pushing them a little too much, making them a little too aware that they can't do something or how long it will take to fix, or I'm giving them too much challenge.

Pianonut, I'm sensing a bit of group teaching from your direction.   Those behavior systems, regardless of their simplicity, always take a lot of effort to setup and maintain.  (Where are you getting these rewards pianonut?  Donations?  Surely you not setting out your own $5 bill?... paying the student to behave and do something when they're paying you to teach them?)

[pianonut]

well, there's always the extra cost of music in public schools (i don't understand why they are always under budget).  yes, it would be my own money.  i think for the extra bucks here and there, there is success.  then success builds, and you get more parental help (when they see good concerts).  then you get more students, and more classes.  but, one thing that i wondered about  WHY does the school act like music is unimportant?  they should NEVER skip a week.  that's a bad idea.  i would think at least two days a week and an hour at a time would be much better.  so much for convincing administration though.  i feel for your situation!

[Bob]

lol... True, but what if the success doesn't happen?  You can't keep paying out money forever.

Music is not a high priority for schools.  The most they really have to do is offer some form of music education (and I've heard that could be just listening to a recording now and then).  I'm not sure what the exact requirements are, but it's not much.  So blame it on the government I guess.

You also have to process everyone through the system.  Everyone is giving the opportunity to learn about music.  Whether take advantage of it is up to them.  And it's music for the masses -- you work on the level of lowest students.  That way everyone can move along at the same pace.

Add the parents and community.  Music is just for fun, not something to take seriously.  They can change things, but their impression of music will shape things.

The blind leading the blind.  Good things get lost in the shuffle.

[ptmidwest]

Tears very often have absolutely nothing to do with the music lesson.

Sometimes the lesson or class is just where things finally spill over and tears come.

There are 500 reasons why a student may cry at a lesson.

And sometimes, that particular time, or being with that particular person (you) is the first or only situation where a student allows himself to express a difficulty. 

Could be a great compliment, could be lack of sleep.

[clariniano]

Sometimes students just need to talk a little bit about their problems. Others find a hug works for them. I have a clarinet student who used to hate being pushed to the next level. (a high functioning autistic). Now he takes on new challenges readily.

A few students may simply have deeper psychological issues that you cannot deal with. I had a 12=year=old student which progress was at least "3 steps forwards, 2 steps back", and sometimes, it was more like 5 or 6 steps back! I asked my teacher to help me with her too, and he thought that she had a huge mental block, perhaps because of one or both her parents.

Meri

[Jacey1973]

Sometimes students just need to talk a little bit about their problems. Others find a hug works for them. I have a clarinet student who used to hate being pushed to the next level. (a high functioning autistic). Now he takes on new challenges readily.

A few students may simply have deeper psychological issues that you cannot deal with. I had a 12=year=old student which progress was at least "3 steps forwards, 2 steps back", and sometimes, it was more like 5 or 6 steps back! I asked my teacher to help me with her too, and he thought that she had a huge mental block, perhaps because of one or both her parents.

Meri

Yes. Perhaps the student has just had a bad day/week and if their lesson has not gone brilliantly that could be the last straw. I know when i was 16 i had my GCSE revision to do which i was panicking about plus had quite an intense piano lessons at the time and sometimes it all just got a bit much. I could never cry in my lesson though, i would always wait until i was walking home! Just perhaps let the student get on with it on their own, with an occasional hug and a bit of sympathy if needed.

[i_m_robot]

tell the student to suck it up 










then spit it out on the piano

[whynot]

Hi Bob.  I read a fascinating book years ago about the difference between praise and encouragement, and how children are affected differently by each.  The premise was that praise tends to be viewed by children as manipulative, having to do with outome:  what we want them to do or be... while encouragement is heard by the child as a geniune reaction to him, who he is, his efforts and experiences.  In fact, I just Googled "the difference between praise and encouragement" or vice versa, and although I didn't see the book, there were some great examples of common adult phrases and the underlying messages children tend to get from them.  I read the book when I was teaching a great mass of young people and had a lot of criers.  The book didn't completely change my life, because it was a point of view I had been leaning towards already, but it gave me a lot of ideas and sharpened my philosophy on this, and all but one of my criers made a huge improvement soon after.  The one holdout didn't have a chance, I believe, due to a very bad family situation. 

Please don't think I'm saying that he/she is crying because of you or how you speak to your students!   This sounds like an already a discouraged child and you're just seeing the fruit of other life experiences.  But still, private teachers are often the first adult that children have their own relationship with.  So even though it isn't a friendship, exactly, it's certainly an opportunity to be helpful in more ways than music-- even if the conversation stays focused on the lesson.  I don't know, what do you think?         

[ludwig]

I have had a few experiences with this, students cry at lessons due to many different things.

Sometimes, like others have said, cry for reasons not linked to the lesson itself, something could have triggered it, I remember one of my students had a breakdown during one lesson because I had said to her she needed to spend more time on piano practice prior to her piano exam. She started crying heavely because there was too much pressure at home to do well in maths and english exams coming up, as well as piano and another instrument..So the student felt that no one understood where she's coming from and what it feels like to be a teenager going for her uni exams. I talked to her the whole lesson about these issues and explained I had experienced this not so long ago, and I did have a talk to her parents expressing my concerns.

Sometimes students cry for their own frustrations, frustrated because they cannot get one bit of the music right, or does not understand how to correct something or answer something. So it is best to encourage speaking their concerns rather than keeping it in, for example, one of my students was confused about a cross-rhythm in a piece, I asked her what was troubling her but she kept silent and tears started to swell in her eyes, then 10min of nearly silence, before I realised she didn't know how to practice that bit to get it right, (silly me), so it is important to encourage students to tell you all the troubles they are thinking, not just keeping it inside, I would eventually get it but it would save all the silence and frustration and tears.

I agree with whynot in how important it is for words we choose to use when we're teaching and communicating, there are key words which encourages the student to practice/learn etc and ways of pointing out problems and mistakes without negative connotations

[saraha]

Hi Bob,

I had some very negative experiences with my piano teachers so maybe I can give you the student's perspective on this issue. If the student is crying and he/she can't wait to get out of your class it means he/she is not having a good time, as ridiculously obvious as this may sound.  Why? Some people may say she is "too" sensitive, but even if this were the case, a flower doesn't wilt if you treat it gently. 

You say you are not an ogre and this may be true, but playing the piano is an extremely complex and difficult thing to do. It is very easy for one to feel stupid even if nobody is listening so you can just imagine how a sensitive person might feel when being corrected by someone who can do something they can't do even though they have tried a thousand times. They feel inadequate, incapable, in other words, they feel bad about themselves. Sure, most students don't cry in class but not everybody feels things the same way. Some babies will jump at the slightest sound while others will sleep right through a parade. That's just their nature!.... and it would be a real shame if your student developed an aversion towards piano because of this situation.

As a piano student I never felt I did anything right. In restrospect I believe this happened because my teachers put too much emphasis on what I did wrong instead of pointing out all the things I was doing right. This made me feel like a failure and nobody can reach their full potential when they feel this way. It's not a matter of NEVER pointing out a mistake. It's a matter of how and how often. Even the most sensitive student welcomes a teacher's advice and constructive criticism.

I hope my comments have helped you in some way and good luck with your student.
It's not easy being a teacher either. 
Silvia

[jeremyjchilds]

I just made a student cry last week, but it had nothing to do with what I said, it had everything to do with the fact that he knew he was slacking, and felt bad about it. It's not my fault that he didn't reach his goals. I showed him how, and he play video games all week....

In a case like this, I have a talk with the parents. I let them know that we had some emotions coming out at the lesson, and that I don't want piano to have negative connotations. Usually that works well.

I just realized that I didn;t add anything construictive to this conversation, forgive me...

[thalberg]

Students always cry a lot when they first start studying with me.  After about six months, they never cry again and they're happy all the time.  I think it's because at first they need to get disciplined and they think they "ought" to cry.  Then they see that's not what  I'm after and they stop  doing it.  Plus they just practice more so I don't have to discipline  them.

[Dazzer]

the last time i cried in a lesson i was 16.

haha