i would agree with siberian husky. i have been married twenty years (brag brag) but i have not always had a 'successful' marriage. in fact, there have been times that it was 'work.' there were times that we wished the other person would see our point of view better. my husband gets more silent, and i do too, until somebody 'pops' and then it's like an italian family (the kids see everything). what is this on the credit card bill? or, do we have to visit your relatives?
my first reactions within the first ten years were to tell a close friend that i was angry about something. my husbands was to do the usual routine of working late or acting nonchalant when he was really teed off. i would add communication skills. we have learned this in the second half of the twenty years and most recently in the last two or three, even more. one way to be honest is to make time for the other person so they know what you're thinking (if you spend time apart, you can't read their mind). this was a common complaint of my husband (i can't read your mind). i would get angry and sullen, and he would get silent and it would be hard on both of us to come to agreement because we didn't feel heard by each other.
within the last two years (basically year 19-20) we have had the best communication ever. we were completely honest about some things that we had not been completely honest about previously (won't go into detail, but if you've been married awhile - you start to see the other side of the grass as greener and spend more time talking to coworkers or friends in my case). if you start with honesty - you admit fault. you say, 'i haven't been perfect in this and that (specifics) and i would like to ask your forgiveness and to try again.' and, thankfully my husband had a few things that he apologized about, too, so we were sort of even. then, we decided that we would start again (as when we were first married). we did a sort of vow renewal in our heads. we started telling each other (only) the things that we wanted the other person to hear, and stopped talking negative to anyone else. and, we really tried to understand where the other person was coming from and to comply as much as possible with things that they needed. for me, it was to have communication more frequently during the day. my kids drove me a little crazy - to be with all day. i needed adult conversation.
for my husband, it was probably having too much adult conversation at work (stress) and to be able to relax when he came home (and not come home to stress). so we are now destressing one another. we also make a better effort at eye contact, although this is not something we worked on specifically. i notice my husband looking at me a lot more during dinners. i do the same for him. what especially endears me is not the flowers, or dinner, or monetary things...but just taking m ore time to be together. it can be walks around the block, a bike ride, a surprise coming home and going out and doing something unexpected. a boring routine made me feel like a maid and childcare worker. now, i feel a lot better about how my husband views me - and visa-versa. when you speak well of your mate to other people, they hear (even when they don't hear). and you bless yourself, since your husband or wife is the other half of your family - and your children hear good things and are blessed, too. i noticed a huge change in my children's behavior when we started getting along better.
i don't think we ever had a terrible marriage or anything, it just wasn't optimal for a while. we had several layoffs, difficult health situations, child behavior issues etc. and it was just difficult during those times to hold everything together. counselors aren't a bad idea, either, if you have trouble communicating. and praying works, too. probably the first and best idea. if you pray for your spouse to understand you (especially when doling out criticism) you might say things in a better way and a softer way. being careful of their feelings.
ps one other thing my husband has always done pretty well, is that he takes the children out on the weekend when he's up to it - and so i have a little quiet time to myself. this helps my sanity immensely. and visa versa- when he's really tired during the week - i take them out and let him get some sleep or relaxation. usually this is within the first hour or two or whoever is the most tired. we kind of work it out evenly. then, when you're rested you feel better and more like doing or talking.
Topic: marriage advice