why are farts funny?

[stevie]

they are, admit it.   

TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT

hehehehehhe


ok...but why?

[ted]

That's actually a deceptively profound and interesting question. Certain people do not think they are funny at all, but most seem to. I have never lived in a house where everybody didn't fart flat out and draw attention to it. Strangely enough though, my son never farts for fun and looks down on our behaviour in this respect, and yet he is much more liberal than us in other ways. It is therefore a complex question, and not simply a matter of conditioning or upbringing.

Most of my friends delight in a robust farting session after lunch or dinner, especially outside in the street.  Then again, a certain few of them would be disgusted, so I don't do it with them.

I seriously don't think I could live with somebody for whom farting wasn't an enjoyable experience.

[Floristan]

Ahhh, the zen of farting....

[perfect_pitch]

You're all idiots...

Grow up.

You want some serious humour, get some Billy Connolly or some British Comedy.

[Torp]

You're all idiots...

Grow up.

You want some serious humour, get some Billy Connolly or some British Comedy.

I fart in your general direction.

(From Monty Python I believe.  About as British as it gets isn't it?)

[perfect_pitch]

From the skit 'French Insults' next line was Your mother was a hamster....

heard it... Monty Python is only for really hard core british people who are scraping the bottom of the humour barrel. Monty Python was pretty bad, same with The Young Ones.

I stick my nose up at you, you son of a silly person...   

[thalbergmad]

I do actually find farting very funny and have spent years mastering my technique.

Brussell sprouts and guiness i find are best for texture, volume and quality.

My own personal record is 36 seconds and i have a recording to prove it.

[stevie]

I do actually find farting very funny and have spent years mastering my technique.

Brussell sprouts and guiness i find are best for texture, volume and quality.

My own personal record is 36 seconds and i have a recording to prove it.

haha, go ahead post the recording, in the audition room 

[rob47]

I find when you're having serious discussions with your friends to let huge audible farts go midsentence on a subject such as, say abortion, and then both of you continue while keeping a straight face to be an extremely humourous use of tha flammable gas from yo ass.

[Siberian Husky]

do i dare bring up the art of Sharting?...i do dare...i say my good chaps..Sharting in itself is a whole seperate art that takes years and the right meals to master..i myself have aquired my own style of sharting as my moisture/gas ratio content is really impressive....

farting on the other hand..cannot be replaced..the burp will never take its place..nor the nose pick...farting is a classic and lays the foundation for up and coming arts like Sharting...and ear wax flinging, which is under rated but making a come back these days...cheers to you all

Best Wishes,
Bernhard

[thalbergmad]

https://www.mrmethane.com/

This man is the undisputed master. Nobody can hold a candle to him and it would be dangerous to do so.

I saw him on tv once and he farted along to Rossini's William Tell Overture. It lasted well over 2 minutes and to prove he was gassing, somebody stood over him and sprinkled talcum powder over his butt.

[Kassaa]

HUM ALONG as he anally whistles through a repertoire of favourite tunes!

LOL!

[rc]

That's not bad, but can he form syllables and fart the alphabet?

THEN I'll be impressed.

You're all idiots...

Grow up.

You want some serious humour, get some Billy Connolly or some British Comedy.

Nothing cracks me up quite like a good Beethoven Scherzo.

[steve jones]

they are, admit it.   

TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT

hehehehehhe


ok...but why?

Stevie,

Im sorry, but thats one of those unanswerable questions mate. It just is! There is no rational explanation for it.

Its like asking why does 'sick always have carrots in?'. It just does! 

[ted]

I've always found plenty of marmite to be the ideal generator of multiple, short power-farts, with emphasis on noise and reverberation but lacking in the often devastating olfactory side effects of those generated by eggs, cabbages and spicy sausages. The time honoured lunch of baked beans is always appropriate to break the monotony of those tedious afternoon managerial meetings.

[Bouter Boogie]

they are, admit it.   

TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT

hehehehehhe


ok...but why?

They are? I don't think so, though It's not very charming to fart with other people around you, is it?

- BB

[perfect_pitch]

I've always found plenty of marmite to be the ideal generator of multiple, short power-farts, with emphasis on noise and reverberation but lacking in the often devastating olfactory side effects of those generated by eggs, cabbages and spicy sausages. The time honoured lunch of baked beans is always appropriate to break the monotony of those tedious afternoon managerial meetings.

No wonder I always stick to the 'Performace' section of this forum...  blehhh

[stevie]

No wonder I always stick to the 'Performace' section of this forum...  blehhh

can you confirm something for me, ive always been told my farts were a little flat

id like to notate the precise pitch, thanks

[Torp]

can you confirm something for me, ive always been told my farts were a little flat

id like to notate the precise pitch, thanks

It's all about technique.  Perhaps Hanon's guide to Flatulence will help?  Though I've been told that true technique is only gained through performance.  Which simply means that an opportunity for a good wind blow should never be passed up.

[phil13]

In the words of Joey Kola:

"It's a God-given act. He could have passed that gas through any orifice in the human body, but he chose to take this much air, and this much moisture, and pass it through the two biggest flaps of ham we have on our bodies, and TOOT is the result, so if you don't laugh, you are DISRESPECTING THE LORD!!!!!"

From the skit 'French Insults' next line was Your mother was a hamster....

And your father smelt of elderberries.

Phil

[allthumbs]

Here is a flatulence joke.

A guy visited his doctor due to the fact that his farts were so loud and pungent smelling that he became a social pariah.

The doctor, after trying to alter the poor fellow's diet and other remedies, could not offer any further suggestions to relieve the problem. So it was suggested that the outcast seek out an alternate treatment and and he was sent to an old Chinese acupuncturist.

So the hapless fellow went to the old Chinese man and begged him to do something. "My farts are so loud and and foul smelling, can you help me?"

"No problem said the wise old man, I will give you a treatment. Come back in one week."

So the fellow came back in one week and was elated.

He said, "What ever you did last week was amazing, my farts don't stink anymore, and I'm very relieved about that, but they are still so loud!"

The old man replied, "Not to worry, last week I worked on your nose, this week I work on your ears!"

Badumbump

Cheers

allthumbs

[perfect_pitch]

can you confirm something for me, ive always been told my farts were a little flat

id like to notate the precise pitch, thanks

Shure - fart into a Tuner then... have fun with that...

[lombardian]

I think the biggest fart master that I know of is my friend. He once let no less than 8 farts loose in succession, each lasting about 2 seconds. Needless to say I was totally caught off gaurd, especially when I realized, that contrary to common stereotypes, these ones actually scored high in all three A.S.S categories (audbile, smellable, and sustainable)

[stevie]

They are? I don't think so, though It's not very charming to fart with other people around you, is it?

- BB

TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!!!

 

[pseudopianist]

Do girls fart?

[xvimbi]

Do girls fart?

boys emit gases
boys are humans (some at least)
humans have a pretty general metabolism
girls are humans (except for witches)
therefore...

[pseudopianist]

I choose to not believe you

[Bob]

(Women do not fart.)


Bob draws line on pf ground.

"Do not cross this line!  Do not analyze this topic!  You will end up like Percy Grainger and others in that weird quasi-academic-fart land!  Beware!.... Beware!..."

[xvimbi]

I choose to not believe you

Get a girlfriend!

[stevie]

he is homosexual, and finds that comment offensive.

[xvimbi]

he is homosexual, and finds that comment offensive.

Fine. Then let me say again, that women have the same general metabolism as men.

[hodi]

That's actually a deceptively profound and interesting question. Certain people do not think they are funny at all, but most seem to. I have never lived in a house where everybody didn't fart flat out and draw attention to it. Strangely enough though, my son never farts for fun and looks down on our behaviour in this respect, and yet he is much more liberal than us in other ways. It is therefore a complex question, and not simply a matter of conditioning or upbringing.

Most of my friends delight in a robust farting session after lunch or dinner, especially outside in the street.  Then again, a certain few of them would be disgusted, so I don't do it with them.

I seriously don't think I could live with somebody for whom farting wasn't an enjoyable experience.

I'M JUST CRYING FROM LAUGHING!!
 

[hodi]

tell about funny farts events that happened to u..



once in a computer science exam in high school , all silence, i suddenly made a very noisy fart.
i looked around me, and saw that no one even noticed, or pretended themselves not to notice
that was so embrassing.. my face became red.

[pseudopianist]

Get a girlfriend!

Got one.

"Fine. Then let me say again, that women have the same general metabolism as men."

I've read scientific reports about this matter. Women do not fart or poop.

[steve jones]

I live in a house with two women, and I guarentee you they do! And they could probably put us fellas to shame 

[mycrabface]

hey.. is it true that old people tend to fart more often, and care less to hide it or say 'excuse me'? Why is this so?

[stevie]

because they stink already

[steve jones]

So true... 

[pianistimo]

the difference between guys and girls is that girls don't draw attention to their farts, thereby making everyone think it must have been the guy.  oh, and they use the bathroom before making a stink, if they can.  whereas, guys tend to just let it go and then brag about it.  oooohhh, that was a good one.   good one?  what makes a good one?  i guess the 'good ones' make people in the car roll down the windshields.

[steve jones]

Thats a little sexist there pianistimo! On behalf of my gender, Im officially offended. 

[pianistimo]

sorry.  it's just that from the beginning of time, women have always smelled better.  it's our way of gaining superiority.

ps i have a question. why do guys like to measure everything?  like how long the fart lasted, how big it sounded, what effect it has on the people around.  it's like a giant experiment.  and, worse yet - tries to be outdone by the next performance?  ok, maybe i'm thinking of teenage boys.

[steve jones]

Pianistimo,

You know whats funny? On the thread below we're talking about religion, exsistence, the meaning of life etc. And on this one were discussing the fart duration and potentency of the sexes!

And its 5-16 in the morning!!!

God I need to get a life 

[limegreen]

The Fart List

The Alarm Fart - This is a good fart for the beginner. It is easy to identify. It starts with a loud unnaturally high note, wavers like a siren, and ends with a quick downward note that stops before you expect it to. It sounds like something is wrong. If it happens to you, you will know right off why it is called the Alarm Fart. You will be alarmed. The alarm fart however is rare.

The Amplified Fart - This is any fart that gets its power more from being amplified than from the fart itself. A metal porch swing will amplify a fart every time. So will a plywood table,and empty fifty gallon drum, a tin roof, or some empty cardboard boxes if they are strong through being amplified in this way can be called an Amplified Fart. These are common farts under the right conditions

The Anticipated Fart - This one warns that it is back there waiting for some time before it arrives. A person who is uneasy for a time in a crowd and who later farts at a time when they think no one will notice has farted an Anticipated Fart.

The Back Seat Fart - This is a fart that occurs only in automobiles. It is identified chiefly by odor. The Back Seat Fart can usually be concealed by traffic noise as it is an eased-out fart and not very loud. But its foul odor will give it away, due to the way air moves around in a car. It is often followed by someone saying, "Who farted in the back seat?"

The Barn Owl Fart - A familiarity with owl calls is helpful in identifying this fart. Almost any morning if you get up just before daybreak you can hear one of these birds talking to himself. It's a sort of a crazy laugh, particularly the way it ends. If you hear a fart that has about eight notes in it, ending on a couple of down notes, and it sounds maniacal, you have heard the rare Barn Owl Fart.

The Bathtub Fart - People who would never in their life know one fart from another, who would like to act like fart don't exist, will have to admit that a Bathtub Fart is something special. It is the only fart you can see! What you see is the bubbles. The Bathtub Fart can be either single or multiple noted and fair or foul as to odor. It makes no difference. The farter's location is what does it. Maybe there is a kind of muffled pong and one big bubble. Or there may be a ping ping ping and a bunch of bubbles. The sound I should point out depends somewhat on the depth of the water, and even more on the tub. If it is one of those big old heavy tubs with the funny legs you can get terrific sound effects. While one of the new thin ones half buried in the floor can be disappointing.

The Biggest Fart in the World Fart - Like the great bald eagle, this fart is pretty well described just by its name. This can either be a group one or a group two fart and can occur just about anywhere. I heard it one time, a group two identification, in a crowded high school auditorium one night, right in that silence that happens when a room full of people has stopped singing the Star Spangled Banner and sat down. It came from the back. There was not a soul in that room that missed it. A fart like that can be impressive. The most diagnostic characteristic of the Biggest Fart In The World is it size.Fart freaks who go around showing off, farting like popcorn machines, and making faces before they fart or asking you to pull their finger and then they fart, never have what it takes for this one, which is rare even among your most serious farter's.


The Bullet Fart - Its single and most pronounced diagnostic characteristic is its sound. It sounds like a rifle shot. The farter can be said to have snapped it off. It can startle spectators and farter alike. Fairly common following the eating of the more common fart foods, such as beans.

The Burning Brakes Fart - A silent fart identified by odor alone. Usually and adult fart, occurring while the adult is driving a car or has a front seat passenger who farts. The Burning Brakes Fart actually does smell a little like burning brakes, and seems to hang around longer than most farts Which gives whoever farted a chance to make a big show of checking to see if the emergency brake has been left on. When he finds it hasn't you know who farted. A common automobile fart.

The Car Door Fart - Either a group one or a group two fart. Very tricky. It is meant to be a concealed fart. A matter of close timing is involved, the farter trying to fart at the exact moment he slams the car door shut. It is usually a good loud fart. It is one of the funnier farts when it doesn't work, which is almost every time. It is a desperation fart and not too common.

The Celestial Fart - Not to be confused with the Did An Angel Speak Fart, which is simply any loud fart in church. The Celestial Fart is soft and delicate, surprising in a boy or an adult. It is probably the most shy of all farts and might be compared with the wood thrush, a very shy bird. It does not have the sly or cunning sound of the Whisper Fart. It is just a very small clear fart with no odor at all. Very rare.

The Chinese Firecracker Fart - This is an exceptional multiple noted fart identified by the number, and variety of its noises, mostly pops and bangs. Often when you think it is all over, it still has a few pops and bangs to go. In friendly company this one can get applause. Uncommon.


The Command Fart - This fart differs from the Anticipated Fart in that it can be held for long periods of time waiting for the right moment. Unlike the Anticipated Fart, it is intended to be noticed. Harold Tabor recently held a Command Fart for the whole period in history class and let it go right at the end when the teacher asked if there were any questions.

The Common Fart - This fart needs little description. It is to the world of farts what the house sparrow is to the world of birds. I can see no point in describing this far any further.

The Crowd Fart - The Crowd Fart is distinguished by its very potent odor, strong enough to make quite a few people look around. The trick here is not to identify the fart but the farter. This is almost impossible unless the farter panics, and starts a fit of coughing or starts staring at the ceiling or the sky as though something up there fascinates him. In which case he is the one. Very common.

The Cushioned Fart - A concealed fart, sometimes successful. The farter is usually on the fat side, sometimes a girl. They will squirm and push their butt way down into the cushions of a sofa or over-stuffed chair and ease-out a fart very carefully without moving then or for some time after. Some odor may escape, but usually not much. Common with some people.

The Did An Angel Speak Fart - This is any loud fart in church. This fart was first called to my attention by my father. He probably read about it somewhere. For fart watchers who go to church, this is a good one to watch for as this is the only place it can be found.

The Dud Fart - The Dud Fart is not really a fart at all. It's a fart that fails. For this reason it is strictly a group one identification fart, because there is no real way you can identify a fart that somebody else expected to fart but didn't. It is the most private of all farts. In most cases the farter usually feels a little disappointed.

The Echo Fart - This is a fart that can be wrongly identified. It is not some great loud fart in an empty gym or on the rim of the Grand Canyon. The true Echo Fart is a fart that makes its own echo. It is a two-toned fart, the first tone loud, then a pause, and then the second tone. Like an echo.

The G and L Fart - This is one of the most ordinary and pedestrian of farts, known to everyone. Certainly it is the least gross. If you have not already guessed, G and L stands for Gambled and Lost. One of the most embarrassing of all farts, even when you are alone.

The Ghost Fart - A doubtful fart in most cases, as it is supposed to be identified by odor alone and to occur, for instance, in an empty house. You enter and smell a fart, yet no one is there. People will insist that only a fart could have that odor, but some believe it is just something that happens to smell like a fart.

The Hic-Hachoo-Fart Fart - This is strictly an old lady's fart. What happens is that the person manages to hiccough, sneeze, and fart all at the same time. After an old lady farts a Hic-Hachoo-Fart Fart she will usually pat her chest and say, "My, oh my," or "Well, well." There is no reason she should not be proud, as this is probably as neat an old person's fart as there is.

The Jerk Fart - The Jerk Fart is a fart by a jerk who smirks, smiles, grins, and points to himself in case you missed it. It is usually a single-noted, off-key, fading away, sort of whistle fart, altogether pitiful, but the jerk will act as if he has just farted the Biggest Fart in the World Fart.
The John Fart - The John Fart is simply any ordinary fart farted on the john. It is naturally a group one identification, with the sound, whatever it was, somewhat muffled. If it is all the person's trip to the john amounted to he will be disappointed for sure. Common as pigeons.

The Lead Fart - The heaviest of all farts. It sounds like a dropped ripe watermelon. Or a falling body in some cases. It is the only fart that goes thud. Except for the odor, which is also very heavy, it could be missed altogether as a fart. What was that, you might think? And never guess.

The Malted Milk Ball Fart - Odor alone is diagnostic and positively identifies this fart. It smells exactly like malted milk balls. No other food works this way. It is rare.

The Oh My God Fart - This is the most awful and dreadful stinking of all farts - a fart that smells like a month-old rotten egg - as the Oh My God Fart. If you should ever encounter it, however, you may first want to say, oh sh*t, which would be understandable.

The Omen Fart - This is the adult version of the Poo-Poo Fart. About the only difference is that the farter will not say anything. He will just look kind of funny and head for the john. This one is easy to spot if you pay attention.

The Organic Fart - Sometimes called the Health Food Nut Fart. The person who farts an Organic Fart may be talking about the healthy food he eats even when he farts. If he is heavily into health foods he may even ask if you noticed how good and pure and healthy his fart smells. It may smell to you like any other fart, but there is no harm in agreeing with him. He is doing what he thinks is best.

The Quiver Fart - A group one identification fart only. When you fart, it quivers. If it tickles, then it is the Tickle Fart. If you have to scratch it, then it is the Scratchass Fart.

The Rambling Phaduka Fart - You must not be fooled by its pretty-sounding name, as this is one of the most frightening of all farts. It is frightening to farter and spectator alike. It has a sound of pain to it. What is most diagnostic about it, however, is its length. It is the longest-lasting fart there is. It will sometimes leave the farter unable to speak. As though he has had the wind knocked out of him. A strong, loud, wavering fart, it goes on for at least fifteen seconds.

The Relief Fart - Sound or odor don't matter on this one. What matters is the tremendous sense of relief that you have finally farted. Some people will even say, "Wow, what a relief." Very common.

The Reluctant Fart - This is probably one of the oldest farts known to man. The Reluctant Fart is a fart that seems to have a mind of its own. It gives the impression that it likes staying where it is. It will come when it is ready, not before. This can take half-a-day in some instances.

The Rusty Gate Fart - The sound of this fart seems almost impossible for a fart. Is is the most dry and squeaky sound a fart can make. The Rusty Gate Fart sounds as if it would have worked a lot easier if it had been oiled. It sounds like a fart that hurts.

The S.B.D. Fart - S.B.D. stands for Silent But Deadly. This is no doubt one of the most common farts that exists. No problem of identification with this one.

The Sandpaper Fart - This one scratches. Otherwise it may not amount to much. You should remember that if you reach back and scratch, it automatically becomes a Scratchass Fart. Common.

The Skillsaw Fart - A truly awesome fart. It vibrates the farter. Really shakes him up. People back away. It sounds like an electric skillsaw ripping through a piece of half-inch plywood. Very impressive. Not too common.

The Sonic Boom Fart - The people who believe in this fart claim it is even bigger than the Biggest Fart In The World Fart. The Sonic Boom Fart is supposed to shake the house and rattle the windows. This is ridiculous. No fart in the world shakes houses and rattles windows. A fart that could do that would put the farter into orbit or blow his crazy head off.

The Splatter Fart - Unfortunately the Splatter Fart exists. It is the wettest of all farts. It probably should not be called a fart at all.

The Stutter Fart - If you think stuttering is funny, this is a very funny fart. It is a fart that can't seem to get going. The sound is best described as pt,pt,pt-pt,pt-pt-pt,pop,pop-pop-pop-POW! It is usually a forced-out fart that gets caught crossways, as they say, and only gets farted after considerable effort.

The Taco Bell Fart - The Taco Bell Fart is far richer and full-bodied than your ordinary Junk Fart and takes longer to build up. Sometimes hours or even a day. But it will get there. And it will hang around after, too. Even on a windy day.

The Teflon Fart - Slips out without a sound and no strain at all. A very good fart in situations where you would rather not fart at all. You can be talking to someone and not miss saying a word. If the wind is right he will never know.

The Thank God I'm Alone Fart - Everyone knows this rotten fart. You look around after you have farted and say, "Thank God I'm alone." Then you get out of there fast!

The Tickle Fart - A group one only and one of the easiest to identify. Usually a slow soft sort of fart. If you like being tickled this is the fart for you!

[thalbergmad]

The best post ever.

Well done.

[pianistimo]

ok posting on the religion thread and then posting here is not natural.  but that list of types of farts is too funny.  i vote for the bathtub one.  that made me laugh all for 10 minutes straight.  i don't know why farts are funny. 

[m1469]

I've read scientific reports about this matter. Women do not fart or poop.

Yes, this is very true.  These two things along with belching are the only things in the world that men can do and women cannot.  My hat's off to you guys

[pseudopianist]

Yes, this is very true.  These two things along with belching are the only things in the world that men can do and women cannot.  My hat's off to you guys

  Such respect.

[lau]

holy crap, that was the longest post i have seen by alarm.

[Bouter Boogie]

TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!!!

 

Lucky me I can't smell ya

- BB

[Bob]

limegreen's post

(tears streaming from eyes)

LMAO!!!

A post destined for infamy on the pf site.


"It is probably the most shy of all farts and might be compared with the wood thrush..."
"Very rare."
"In friendly company this one can get applause."

Too many to quote...


I haven't laughed this hard for a long time.


Bravo limegreen.  You've set the bar high.