I am my own worst enemy

[elspeth]

I've been having lessons for about six weeks and I'm starting to get really frustrated... is it just me?

I have the questionable advantages of being an adult beginner and already playing three instruments, two to orchestral standard - and it means that I'm finding the theory side easy, but other things very frustrating.

I'm so used to being able to pick an instrument up and play it well that even though I know I'm just a beginner and my piano will improve, I find it horribly frustrating to sit and be able to know what the piece should sound like but not 'just' be able to make it sound like that.

I have a lovely and very good teacher who is giving me plenty of praise and encouragment, but I can hear the nasty little critic in the back of my head saying, 'I don't know why you're praising me, that was dreadful.' I know she praises me because it's better than it was and I am improving - and I'm certainly better than the average beginner even after just six weeks... but gaahhh, how to stop criticising myself so hard!

The worst of it is that it makes me very nervous playing in front of people, even my teacher, and I come out of lessons beating myself up even worse because I didn't play as well as I do at home.

Am I the only one who gets this frustrated, and criticises myself this hard? It's taking the fun out of playing, and I want to get past it sooner rather than later - I play because I love to, I have no ambition to do it professionally but just well enough to play for my own pleasure. But if I can't find a way to startg being a bit easier on myself it'll soon turn into a chore, and I certainly don't want that to happen!

[dorfmouse]

You might find some interesting reading on this site

https://www.musicalfossils.com/

It won't all apply to you obviously but I bet it will sound some bells!

[rc]

Every once in a while my ambition to get good outdoes my actual skill. The ambition to improve is good, but frustration is counterproductive. I'm talking about the same kind of ambition as you, just to get good for my own enjoyment, and of course to try and share it with people around me.

I'm getting better at not beating myself up over it and just take 'er easy, because learning the piano will take time. Instead of rushing myself, I now figure I will take about 2 years to get myself up to the level where I can begin studying at university. I don't anticipate I will get truely comfortable with piano until maybe 5 years of applying myself.

So I always try to balance productivity while avoiding frustration, by setting more realistic aims for myself, and keeping these goals flexible (so's I can chill out in case I can't meet one). This will help keep you from feeling like an utter failure if you don't have the Apassionata mastered after playing for a few months

Aside from keeping your objectives manageable, it's also important to get that little critic in your head to be more fair and give you credit for what you're doing well. One of the most common notes I leave for myself after a practice sessions is "slow, but accurate". Afterall, that little critic is a part of your own psyche, get it to cooperate.

What's great is that you have enough background, a musical ear to know what sound you want to get and a highly critical nature that won't neglect the details. It's good to have that ideal to strive for, and you'll eventually get there... But that kind of control takes time to learn. Know that you're better off to take it easy, because frustration is only creating an obstacle for yourself.

[getcool]

Trust me I know exactly how you feel.  Having a ton of experience on woodwinds but only six months or so on piano, I know exactly how it feels to want to sound better than you do.

Like you, when I look at a piece, I know how I want it to sound, but my fingers just can't get it right.  As I play, I notice every rhythmic irregularity, bad phrase, etc., and I have a very hard time getting it right, despite whatever I know to be "correct" in my head.

What's my answer?  Well, I'm no educator, and this may seem stupidly obvious, but I'll say it: SLOW IT DOWN!  Seriously, I find that slowing a piece down--sometimes to a painfully slow tempo--often helps.  And I'm not just talking about muscle memory/control, here; I'm talking about the psychological aspects of slowing a piece down.

I don't know about you, but having musical experience, I immediately want to take a piece at written tempo, and almost feel insulted when I have to practice it at 1/4 speed.  It's like an ego thing for me.  But what I need to get myself to realize--and I go through this with every new piece I learn--is that despite whatever experience I have with other instruments, I am an amateur here.  Forget the X years of professional experience on Y instrument.  It doesn't mean jack.  Focus on my current instrument--the piano--and take it slowly and carefully.

After I give myself a dose of humility like this, I feel much better about it.  I realize that this is a very new skill that is a long way from mastery, and I need to just keep plugging away and get better gradually.  I go on with the hope that it will pay off in the end.

[apion]

IMO, it's unreasonable to have an expectation that, just because you can play numerous other instruments, you can learn the piano in 6 weeks without mega-frustration.  Most pianists have YEARS of frustration under their belts! 

[mer]

Hi Elspeth,

My situation is similar to yours.   I grew up learning to play the organ, then spent many years owning a digital and trying to play piano music on it now and then.  Finally I became fed up with my poor execution (though I can read music just fine) and decided to take some real piano lessons.  I get frustrated because I can read very difficult music but can't play it.  My technique was pretty lousy until I found my current teacher 9 months ago.  Now it has improved greatly, but I still feel like I have a long ways to go before I sound good.

I would like to contrast my teacher with how yours sounds.  My teacher uses praise sparingly most likely because it's not very useful.   Instead she analyzes the way I am playing and tells me how to achieve a better/correct sound or faster playing, or whatever.  She never mentions whether a  passage or piece is difficult or easy.   She focuses on how I am holding my body, arms, wrists, fingers, etc. and how I am pressing the keys.  This way, she never contributes to my fear of being able to do a certain passage, by labeling it difficult.  Instead, she tells me how to make it easier.

I once complained to her that my left hand (I'm right handed) seems weak and that I"ll never be able to play fast with that hand.   She then demonstrated that the left hand is not really slower (had me quickly wiggle the fingers of both hands in the air - they do have the same speed).   While she has on occasion stated that we must learn to work with what we've got, I think the hurdle to overcome is learning to control that left hand better.   I've learned to change my focus to my left hand while playing and this has helped quite a bit.

About being nervous... It's really helpful to hear my teacher's child students practice their pieces.  The simplest piece will sound really nice if the technique is there.  My teacher is able to teach even beginning students to play short, simple pieces with  a lot of "musicality."  I often wonder if I am picking up this musicality too or if my pieces sound like I am struggling through them.   She has suggested that I record myself periodically to develop a sense of my progress, but I'm too chicken to do that!

Don't be too hard on yourself.  Remember that there are a lot of things that have to develop over time AND come together before you are playing really difficult pieces.   In my opinion, what matters most to the audience is not the difficulty of the piece, but the musicality of the piece.  And if you are serious about piano then you should have an acoustic piano.

I think rc said it right - that this is all about control - learning what kind of control is needed and then developing the ability to control is what takes time.   

I hope you have a serious teacher that is showing you these details, because praise alone doesn't show you how to improve.   

[elspeth]

Thanks for the comments! plenty to think about...

I didn't mean to imply I have some expectation of being 'good' in the kind of timeframe I'm on... merely that having the background I do I have my eyes rather too well open to my shortcomings even accepting I'm a beginner.

My teacher similarly never approaches music in terms of easy or difficult but shows me how and where to improve the way I play it... and it is working. Playing other instruments already gives me a rather warped concept of easy and difficult anyway... anybody heard Rodriguez's flute concerto? It's fab, but there's a piece you wouldn't want to meet on a dark night! But I think that makes my inner critic all the worse, knowing that what I'm playing isn't difficult on my normal scale but I can still see myself making mistakes that I 'ought' to know better than.

Playing a piece slowly has always been one of my practice habits... luckily I do have those in place! And oh, it makes life easier to already have my ear in for scales and what a given chord should sound like and so on. Many things translate easily... it just makes the things that don't feel that much harder!

[allthumbs]

Greetings

Excellent posts one and all. I too am an adult student and can relate to the concerns expressed.

Excellent site dorfmouse. https://www.musicalfossils.com/ . I just spent an hour reading the articles. It's a site that's worth putting in your 'Favorites' for future reference.

Don't worry elspeth, in one, five or even tens years, you'll be seeing a big difference in how you are playing as you go along.

Remember, a journey of a thousand miles always starts with the first step   ....for everyone.


Cheers

allthumbs

[whynot]

I loved all these posts.  I want to add that I have often put myself in this situation with other instruments, so I know exactly what you're talking about.  However... I have developed an antidote for the frustration I used to feel over this.  I look at it from a completely different perspective now.  Because I already play a few instruments at a professional level, it doesn't MATTER how I sound on the new one.  I don't mean that I don't care how I'm doing--I practice, take lessons etc.  But when asked how it's going, "I pretty much stink right now, but I'm really enjoying playing."  It doesn't bother me at all.  I'm a beginner, I am perfectly free to sound like one and feel like one.  Put another way, it's incredibly LIBERATING for a professional to do something that no one expects you to do well (yet).  Also, you get the thrill of being an excited beginner again.  It's a very special time.  You can make a new life-policy for yourself that you'll try to always be a beginner at something, so you're always growing and learning.  And if you teach beginners or have loved ones who are beginners, you gain some marvelous insight into their process and what they need.  So keep working, but enjoy!