Talkative Parents

[m1469]

Okay, I am thinking there was a thread about this once upon a time, but I can't find it and I sure would not know how to search for it.

Anyway, I have a student whose transportation and contact parent is so talkative that I cannot get a word in edge-wise to curtiously excuse myself from the vice.  Anyway I could excuse myself would be an abrupt interruption and would seem rude.  This parent will talk to me for literally half an hour (or more) about everything under the sun, every chance s/he gets if I would let it happen.  And if I need to make a phone call that should curtiously take 5 mins at the most, it lasts 20 mins.  If this student is the last one on my schedule for the day, it's open season on me.  heh.

Well, I am just frustrated as this student is one of my best students and I want to keep her, but I am feeling like my time is not being appropriately considered.  This student's parent needs to feel pampered, and I feel the need to oblige to a degree (or make the parent believe I am doing so) but I am having a difficult time knowing how to curtiously bow out of conversations and keep my own time respected. 

Any suggestions and thoughts would be very appreciated.



m1469 

[allthumbs]

Yes, in any social situation one can run into someone who will talk your ear off, especially if you show the slightest bit of interest.

I would suggest that when this occurs, politely interrupt them by saying,
"I'd love to hear more, however I don't have the time at the moment as I have a rather pressing commitment that I must attend to."

Then politely excuse yourself and walk away.

Works for me anyway.


Cheers

allthumbs

[whynot]

Excellent reply, and in addition, sometimes it helps to just start walking towards the door!  Seriously.  They'll follow you, and you can get them out of the house this way.  Another thing that sometimes works is to treat the present moment in the past tense, "It was good talking to you," (not that you got the chance); makes it sound like it's over. 

[gilad]

well, it's such a pitty that we let patterns form most of the time before we try correct them. anyway, try and taper it off below the parent's threshold of awareness. start by cutting her chat by five minutes, and so on etc. try withdaw slowly over a period of a few weeks or so, a little more each time. of course you dont want to be looking at your watch the whole time.
maybe whenever she raises a specific recuring topic you reply to her and immediately say you have to run. you have to "teach" this parent subtly to respect your time. you also have be a convincing "fibber", i've learned that small fibs such as can't talk right now, got to go somewhere, i'm way to busy, etc are pollite ways of getting on with what you have to do. you have to be convincing, and well prepared even, incase your response prompts a question. i never used to be able to do this until eventually i was forced to by one or two very time consuming people and then acquired this most postive skill. most importantly i dont think you should feel obliged to engage her in conversation, by obliging you're given away the basis of why you want to stop it all from continuing. just my take on that. best of luck!

[m1469]

"I'd love to hear more, however I don't have the time at the moment as I have a rather pressing commitment that I must attend to."

Yeah, this is one that I did recently as soon as I could get a word in.

Excellent reply, and in addition, sometimes it helps to just start walking towards the door! Seriously. They'll follow you, and you can get them out of the house this way. Another thing that sometimes works is to treat the present moment in the past tense, "It was good talking to you," (not that you got the chance); makes it sound like it's over.

This is good too, have done the walking toward the door thing.  It's just a matter of getting it open now... but we're getting there.


Okay, good suggestions !


Thanks  ,

m1469

[pianistimo]

maybe this student should never be last one of the day!  *get a fake student (call the neighbor next door - HELP!!)  then when they ring the doorbell, you have to answer it and you have to get onto business at hand (relaxing).  very sneaky and maybe sort of a lie - but if you don't tell them they're a student - you're just making time for a neighbor.

yes.  a 911 neighbor.

ps  don't forget to give the neighbor a piano book of some kind.  don't want to make them look suspicious.

[ted]

When faced with that situation I am usually straightforward and blunt. It happens to me most frequently when somebody rings during dinner. I say, "I'm in the middle of tea just now. I'll call you later on." Then they just carry on flat out as if I hadn't said anything. It's really very annoying. However, I have found that such people usually have very thick skins and saying, "Look, sorry, busy just now." - Pfffft - and hanging up in no way causes any offence. It is commendable that you consider the feelings of other people, but with these garrulous types it isn't necessary because they do not register any rudeness - they really don't, you know.

Look at it this way, how often to you harbour a smouldering grudge because somebody gave you the bum's rush last month ? Chances are you'd just chalk it up to their being a bit irritable and forget about it. Your time is as valuable as that of the next person; be assertive.

[Bob]

(What's a bum's rush?)

If they seem to want to discuss a lot, take it out of their lesson time.  Just wrap up a few minutes earlier and turn that extra lesson time into talk time for the parent.  Instead of using your time, it uses theirs.

Depends on the building situation.  Maybe you can have the parent wait in one place and then send the student out to them.

Figure out how to make your phone ring when you want it to.

I'm thinking it's something with "training" them.  Don't let them start talking.  You start.  If the student is there, talk with the student and then go up to the parent but continue talking to the student.  Tell the parent how the lesson went, what you did, what they did well, and that you'll see them again next time.  Then start walking away.  Don't ask any open ended question.  Maybe don't ask any questions at all -- Just be the one doing the talking.  If you're already talking before the parent gets there, they won't have a chance to start.

If they talk, don't act interested.  Stare.  Mumble in agreement to what they say.  See how fast the conversation dries up when they think you're not really paying much attention or are interested.  This may not be the best idea though of course.

[ada]

I find this useful in winding up a conversation with someone who just won't shut up.

Try:

"Gosh, I better not take up any more of your time, I know you're probably busy", or "well, I better let you go now before I talk your head off!" and steer them to the door.

It's called reverse psychology, I think.

good luck

[pianistimo]

bob is right.  maybe some sort of hand held device that you can push - to get your phone to ring automatically.  like your cell phone to the regular phone.  obviously, it must be a long-distance call.

adding to the glazed over look - you could keep a pair of shades in your purse and put them on immediately after the lesson.  if you start putting a jacket on - you'll look like you're going out.  go out to the store if you need to.  or drive around the block.

hand them the key - and ask them to lock the door when they leave.  hmmm.  well, maybe that's a bit extreme.  maybe ada's reverse psychology would work just as well.


*late nights are hard.  maybe ted is right about just saying something like - "i haven't eaten dinner yet, so i'm afraid i have to cut this conversation short or i'll faint."  "i'm really tired and unfocused right now, let's continue the conversation later."

one thing i have noticed with longtime teachers is that they are more likely to talk your ear off than the parents or students.  so, since the talkative parent is probably the rarity - maybe it's not so terrible (occasionally).

[Bob]

Yeah, start talking to the parent about something that bores the heck out of them.  Start telling them technical details of things you're working on -- things that are interesting to you, but probably not to them.  Then talk for a long time.  One or two times of that and they might be quicker to leave.

[ted]

The Oxford Dictionary defines "bum's rush" as "forcible ejection". However, in colloquial conversation it is frequently used metaphorically to describe any process by which somebody is hastily fobbed off or ignored.

[m1469]

hmmmm...  a lot of good ideas here.  Most of the time, this parent stays in the car and I send the student out after the lesson, but sometimes the parent tries to come in to take care of money or other business (and thus I have learned a lesson).   If I see the parent starting to get out, I go out so they do not come in.

I will say that I generally want all of my students and parents to feel like they can talk to me and that I am happy to talk with them. (I just don't want them to actually do it... he he... )  <------ well, that's a joke actually.  I don't want to come off as inaccessable or uninterested.


Thanks for your suggestions, I may try this bum's rush


m1469

[allthumbs]

Thanks for your suggestions, I may try this bum's rush


m1469

Make sure you do the technique properly though.

First, grab the 'rushee' by the scruff of the neck with your left hand and the seat of the pants with your right hand. Next, lift up with your right hand slightly and move the 'rushee' towards the door keeping him/her off balance as you move forward.

You can open the door first or not, depending how annoyed you are with them.

Once outside, give one final toss with both hands, hopefully sending the person for a tumble or two.

That's a proper 'bums rush'.

Hope that helps!


Cheers

allthumbs

[PaulNaud]

The best thing to do is to tell the parent that you really have to go to the washroom or that you have to give an emergency phone call. You should rush out the piano room while speaking to the parent.

[m1469]

Make sure you do the technique properly though.

First, grab the 'rushee' by the scruff of the neck with your left hand and the seat of the pants with your right hand. Next, lift up with your right hand slightly and move the 'rushee' towards the door keeping him/her off balance as you move forward.

You can open the door first or not, depending how annoyed you are with them.

Once outside, give one final toss with both hands, hopefully sending the person for a tumble or two.

That's a proper 'bums rush'.

Hope that helps!


Cheers

allthumbs

LOL... thanks for giving me the skinny, allthumbs 

[keyofc]

This is a hard one for me too.  I have one parent that keeps talking to me when my next student is sitting at the piano waiting for me to teach her.  I say goodbye constantly to this parent.
Not on ly is it inconsiderate of my time - they are not considering her time.
Lately, I've just walked away while they're talking after saying, "I have another student now I need to be with"
I don't like to be rude - but I think I"d be rude to the next student especially if she gets her time cut short.
I'm thinking of sending out an invoice and asking them to send a check with the student so I don't get caught up in "HOw much do I owe you"  It's a question you don't want to ignore, but you don't want it to monopolize your time...

[oksanapianist]

One word...........

EMAIL.

I never pick up a phone to call a client for the very same reason of them monopolizing my time. As for the chatter boxes who hang around past their welcome- I exchange a few words and bid them goodbye- period. They get the hint.