Piano / Music Jokes ! !

[pianochild]

Hey does anyone know any funny piano ,music, composer Jokes!

 

[jas]

Music jokes are never funny. But since you asked...

What do you get if you drop a piano down a mine shaft?

A flat minor.


I'll be here all week. Tell your friends and family.

[tompilk]

Here are some supposed "jokes" freshly knicked from the everynote music site:

Music: A complex organizations of sounds that is set down by the composer, incorrectly interpreted by the conductor, who is ignored by the musicians, the result of which is ignored by the audience.

 

 

A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I think I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both.
 
What's the difference between a guitar player and a large pizza?
               A large pizza can feed a family of four.

 

"Wagner's music is better than it sounds."   - Mark Twain

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


How to Cook a Conductor

Ingredients

One large Conductor, or two small assistant conductors
Ketchup
26 large garlic cloves
Crisco or other solid vegetable shortening (Lard may be used)
1 cask cheap wine
1 lb. alfalfa sprouts
2 lbs. assorted yuppie food, such as tofu or yoghurt
One abused Orchestra

First, catch a Conductor. Remove the tail and horns. Carefully separate the large ego and reserve for sauce. Remove any batons, pencils (on permanent loan from the Principal Second Violin) and long articulations and discard. Remove the hearing aid and discard (it never worked anyway). Examine your conductor carefully - many of them are mostly large intestine. If you have such a Conductor, you will have to discard it and catch another. Clean the Conductor as you would a squid, but do not separate the tentacles from the body. If you have an older Conductor, such as one from a Major Symphony Orchestra or Summer Music Festival, you may wish to tenderize by pounding the Conductor on a rock with timpani mallets or by smashing the Conductor between two large cymbals.

Next, pour 1/2 of the cask of wine into a bath tub and soak the Conductor in the wine for at least 12 hours (exceptions: British, German and some Canadian Conductors have a natural beery taste which some people like and the wine might not marry well with this flavor. Use your judgment). When the Conductor is sufficiently marinated, remove any clothes the Conductor may be wearing and rub it all over with the garlic. Then cover your Conductor with the Crisco. using vague, slow circular motions. Take care to cover every inch of the Conductor's body with the shortening. If this looks like fun, you can cover yourself with Crisco too, removing clothes first.

Next, take your orchestra and put as much music out as the stands will hold without falling over, and make sure that there are lots of really loud passages for everyone, big loud chords for the winds and brass, and lots and lots of tremolos for the strings. (Bruckner might be appropriate). Rehearse these passages several times, making certain that the brass and winds are always playing as loud as they can and the strings are tremolo-ing at their highest speed. This should ensure adequate flames for cooking your Conductor. If not, insist on taking every repeat and be sure to add the second repeats in really large symphonies. Ideally, you should choose your repertoire to have as many repeats as possible, but if you have a piece with no repeats in it at all, just add some, claiming that you have seen the original, and there was an ink blot there that "looked like a repeat" to you and had obviously been missed by every other fool who had looked at this score. If taking all the repeats does not generate sufficient flames, burn the complete set of score and parts to all of the Bruckner symphonies.

When the flames have died down to a medium inferno, place your Conductor on top of your orchestra (they won't mind as they are used to it) until it is well tanned, the hair turns back to its natural color and all of the fat has dripped out. Be careful not to overcook or your Conductor could end up tasting like stuffed ham. Make a sauce by combining the ego, sprouts and ketchup to taste, placing it all in the blender and pureeing until smooth. If the ego is bitter, sweeten with honey to taste. Slice your Conductor as you would any turkey. Serve accompanied by the assorted yuppie food and the remaining wine with the sauce on the side.

WARNING: Due to environmental toxins present in conductor feeding areas, such as heavy metals, oily residue from intensive PR machinery manufacture, and extraordinarily high concentrations of E.coli, cryptosporidium, and other hazardous organisms associated with animal wastes, the Departments for Conductor Decimation (DCD) recommend that the consumption of conductors be limited to one per season. Overconsumption of conductors has been implicated in the epidemiology of a virulent condition known as "Bataan fever." Symptoms of this disorder include swelling of the brain, spasms in the extremities, delusions of competence, auditory hallucinations and excessive longevity.


i haven't even read it...
Tom

[pianochild]

lol good

[thalbergmad]

Q. What is the difference between Lang Lang and a vacuum cleaner?

A. One needs to be plugged in before it sucks.

[instromp]

Music jokes are never funny. But since you asked...

What do you get if you drop a piano down a mine shaft?

A flat minor.


I'll be here all week. Tell your friends and family.

Hahahaha i got that one

Q. What is the difference between Lang Lang and a vacuum cleaner?

A. One needs to be plugged in before it sucks.

That is soo wrong thal  ,lol. but this funny stuff

[ahinton]

Now if only this were a viola forum...

Best,

Alistair

[phil13]

Why are grand pianos superior to uprights?


A grand makes a louder BOOM when you drop it off a cliff.


Phil

[bench warmer]

Some of you may have already seen this. Like all great works of genius though, it remains timeless.

Take a look at "Death Waltz" below. 

[instromp]

Some of you may have already seen this. Like all great works of genius though, it remains timeless.

Take a look at "Death Waltz" below. 

Maybe this is possibly playable if more than one person was to play it at the same time.Maybe the 5 Browns could give it a go  ,hehehehee j/k

[phil13]

Ohhhh yeaaah, I've seen it. 

Now, WHERE exactly do you insert the peanuts and why do the penguins have to be freed?

Also, isn't it a bit unpractical to balance your chair on 2 legs while playing notes that are in between instrument staves?

Phil

[debussy symbolism]

"Whole arm on black note."

[kriskicksass]

Now if only this were a viola forum...

Best,

Alistair

Who cares?

Q: How can you tell a violist is at the door?
A: He can't find the key and he has no idea when to come in!


Q: How can you tell that the stage is level?
A: Drool is running out of both sides of the principal violist's mouth!


An adventurer landed on an island one day and met some natives. They were very civilized and friendly and somehow their chief knew English. The adventurer decided to stay for a while and document the tribe. The cheif's only warning was to beware the sound of the drums. The adventurer had no idea what that meant, so he ignored it.

Several weeks later, there was a huge celebration that included the entire tribe. There was music, dancing, and an enormous feast. All of a sudden, during the dancing, out of nowhere came the sound of loud banging drums. All of the village people ran like mad, and the cheif shouted to the adventurer, "Run for your life!" And so he did.

When they had finally gotten a safe distance away and stopped running, the adventurer turned the the chief and said, "Why do you run when the drums start beating?" The cheif said, trembling as he spoke, "After the drums beat, the viola solo starts!"

[maryruth]

I was looking at the "Death Waltz"--I was wondering....if you stand back from it and look at it from a distance....do you see someone's face in profile???

[bench warmer]

I was looking at the "Death Waltz"--I was wondering....if you stand back from it and look at it from a distance....do you see someone's face in profile???

Only if you Unfocus your eyes, which is really the best way to interpret it musically anyway.

 Some great, yet forgotten, artists have used averted vision and/or blindfolds to get a deeper feel for it. While others have eaten wild mushrooms and then studied the piece. Now, they Saw things!

[phil13]

How do you get two flautists to play in tune?

Shoot one of them.

How do you get two violists to play  in tune?

Shoot 'em both.





How come there aren't any music jokes about double bassists?

Because they'd be too complex for them to understand.





A classic:

How do you know when a percussionist is at your door?

The knocking gets faster and faster.





Phil

[kelly_kelly]

Now if only this were a viola forum...

Best,

Alistair

Who cares?

Q: How can you tell a violist is at the door?
A: He can't find the key and he has no idea when to come in!


Q: How can you tell that the stage is level?
A: Drool is running out of both sides of the principal violist's mouth!


An adventurer landed on an island one day and met some natives. They were very civilized and friendly and somehow their chief knew English. The adventurer decided to stay for a while and document the tribe. The cheif's only warning was to beware the sound of the drums. The adventurer had no idea what that meant, so he ignored it.

Several weeks later, there was a huge celebration that included the entire tribe. There was music, dancing, and an enormous feast. All of a sudden, during the dancing, out of nowhere came the sound of loud banging drums. All of the village people ran like mad, and the cheif shouted to the adventurer, "Run for your life!" And so he did.

When they had finally gotten a safe distance away and stopped running, the adventurer turned the the chief and said, "Why do you run when the drums start beating?" The cheif said, trembling as he spoke, "After the drums beat, the viola solo starts!"

Die, both of you!!!  Incidentally, I've been principal violist several times, and haven't drooled yet. And my solos aren't that bad...

[brewtality]

How many pianists does it take to change a lightbulb?

5.

1 to change it, 4 to b!tch about how they could have done it better.

I know I few good viola jokes but will refrain from posting them.

[ahinton]

Die, both of you!!!  Incidentally, I've been principal violist several times, and haven't drooled yet. And my solos aren't that bad...

You've missed the point entirely - which is that these jokes are inteneded to be funny rather than malicious and most of them are made up and some of them quite often spread around by viola players themselves; indeed, I've heard more of them from Levine Andrade than from anyone else - and he is a most remarkable violist.

Don't worry, though - the two of us will probably die eventually, when our respective time comes.

In the meantime:

Q. Why do they call viola players "lightning fingers"
A. Because their fingers never strike in the same place twice.

Now, that's enough of those; this is a piano forum!

Best,

Alistair

[mike_lang]

Die, both of you!!!  Incidentally, I've been principal violist several times, and haven't drooled yet. And my solos aren't that bad...

You realize, of course, that viola jokes come from another era when violists were simply violinists that couldn't cut it.  These just make fun of stereotype from that time of bad violists.  Don't take it personally - you're going to get picked on your entire life for being a violist.

Best,
ML

[kelly_kelly]

You realize, of course, that viola jokes come from another era when violists were simply violinists that couldn't cut it.  These just make fun of stereotype from that time of bad violists.  Don't take it personally - you're going to get picked on your entire life for being a violist.

Best,
ML

Not in my orchestra- the second violinists are picked on there (and not without reason).

[ahinton]

Not in my orchestra- the second violinists are picked on there (and not without reason).

Then, as a violist, you presumably don't have too much to worry about! Don't get me wrong - I'm as fond as anyone of great viola playing and writing...

Best,

Alistair

[bernhard]

“Women are like pianos: When they are not upright, they are Grand!” (Benny Hill).

Also, have a look here:

https://pianoforum.net/smf/index.php/topic,2001.msg16223.html#msg16223
(pianist jokes)

https://pianoforum.net/smf/index.php/topic,1998.msg17094.html#msg17094
(musical anecdotes)

Best wishes,
Bernhard.

[whynot]

The viola is one of my favorite instruments... may I add one more joke? 

"What do violists use for birth control?"
       "Their personalities."

[ahinton]

The viola is one of my favorite instruments... may I add one more joke? 

"What do violists use for birth control?"
       "Their personalities."

I'll quote just one more - because it's rather different to the usual variety - and it is this, for whose authenticity I can vouch, having personally participated in it at a recording session:

"Composer to record producer: What's the best viola player joke you've ever heard?
Record Producer to composer: Levine Andrade, because he plays beautifully, accurately and in tune all the time."

Please be assured that no offence is intended to any viola players not called Levine Andrade who happen to read this...

Best,

Alistair

[allthumbs]

Here are some Farside Cartoons by Gary Larson, a very funny man.


Cheers

allthumbs

[allthumbs]

...and a few more.

[allthumbs]

...and finally...

Enjoy

allthumbs

[allthumbs]

OK, just one more!!!

[allthumbs]

Here's a non visual joke...

A "C", an "E-flat" and a "G" go into a bar.

The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.

After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished: the G is out flat.  An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. 

A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second."

An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor.   

Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes.  The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in!  This could be a major development."

This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural.   

Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest.  The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bass-less. 

The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest -- and closes the bar.


Cheers

allthumbs

[pianiststrongbad]

Whats the difference between an orchestra and a bull.
In an orchestra the horns are in the back and the ass is in the front.

[pianogeek_cz]

*looks around whether it's safe to smuggle another viola joke in*

*assumes it's not, but does anyway*

Q: What is the difference between a viola and a chainsaw?
A: In case of direst need, you can use a chainsaw in a string quartet.

[lisztisforkids]

Here's a non visual joke...

A "C", an "E-flat" and a "G" go into a bar.

The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.

After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished: the G is out flat.  An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. 

A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second."

An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor.   

Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes.  The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in!  This could be a major development."

This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural.   

Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest.  The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bass-less. 

The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest -- and closes the bar.


Cheers

allthumbs

 LMAO..