Pianist jokes

[bernhard]

Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segall, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they wished to  portray, as long as they were famous.
"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."
"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano," replied Willis. "I'll play him."
"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segall. "I'd like to play him."
Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then, turning to Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"  Arnold in a slow deliberate voice replied, "I'll be Bach."


 

[Etude]

 

I heard that one ages ago.  It's funny as hell on first impact.

[pianiststrongbad]

My favourite Victor Borge line is from when he dresses up as Liszt and says "In my youth I was conceded.... Now I am Perfect."  A funny joke about vocalists that I know-  How do you know if there is a vocalist at your door?  Their late and can't find the key.

[ivoryplayer4him]

so a pianist walks into a bar and hits his head.

That's the best one so far.

I dont understand this one at all, but i want to laugh at it so someone tell me what it means.  lol

[xvimbi]

I dont understand this one at all, but i want to laugh at it so someone tell me what it means.  lol

It means that pianists are arrogant.

[allchopin]

It means that pianists are arrogant.

??
Please don't make me explain the joke...

[faulty_damper]

I thought that was good for a chuckle on first reading.  So a musician walks into a bar... and hits his head.  I would think that it would hit his face or stub his toes.

[Skeptopotamus]

These are really terrible.

Aweful.

Let me try.


What happens when you hit a piano with a hammer?
It breaks, unless you didn't hit it very hard.  What else would it do?

If any of you thought that was going to turn out to be some joke with the word "hammerklavier" in it, you should be ashamed of yourself.  I'm better than that.

[mtmccarthy]

Two friends talk after a piano recital:

Johann - "What happened just then? You sounded terrible!"

Sergey - "Ah well... the piano has never been my forte."

 

Sorry, I couldn't resist.

[Bacfokievrahms]

what happens when you hammerclavier the f*c* out of a compositional thinker? he loses his f*c*ing mind and says s**t like, how'd you do that, and, where'd you get me from, the back?

[Etude]

Atonality - A disease that many modern composers suffer from. 

Tone cluster - A technique used by many non-pianists, usually involving the knuckles.

Pentatonic - A scale of 5 pitches generally favoured by non-pianists.

[jlh]

A note left for a pianist from his wife:

"Gone Chopin, (have Liszt), Bach in a Minuet"

[jlh]

Victor Borge quotes:

"I only know two pieces; one is 'Clair de Lune' and the other one isn't."

"I do not have a single white note on my piano; my elephant smoked too much."

"I wish to thank my parents for making it all possible...and I wish to thank my children for making it all necessary."

"In my youth, I wanted to be a great pantomimist -- but I found I had nothing to say."

"Did you know that Mozart had no arms and no legs? I've seen statues of him on people's pianos."

"Ah Mozart! He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."

"Beethoven wrote in three flats a lot. That's because he moved twice."

When asked the difference between a violin and a viola, Victor replied, "a viola burns longer."

Borge's mischievous sense of humor was manifest from an early age. Asked as a child to play for his parents' friends he would announce "a piece by the 85-year-old Mozart" and improvise something himself.

Someone requested of Victor Borge that he play something by Bach, to which Victor replied, "Which one, Johann Sebastian or Offen?"

"Flint must be an extremely wealthy town: I see that each of you bought two or three seats."
-- Victor Borge on playing to a half-filled house in Flint, Michigan.

[Etude]

A note left for a pianist from his wife:

"Gone Chopin, (have Liszt), Bach in a Minuet"

Hehe, I got some note leafs for Christmas that said "Chopin Liszt" at the top.

 

[Ed Thomas]

Another Victor Borge:

When an opera star sings her head off, she usually improves her appearance.

[Etude]

Look at my signature:

"The faster you play, the less time there is to make mistakes."

[redhead]

Q: Why did Bach have so many children?

A:  There weren't enough stops on his organ.

[Etude]

How about some quotes.  These aren't really jokes but still....


"Beethoven expired in 1827, he later died because of this."

This was actually written as part of an answer in a music exam.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Teacher: "What does polyphonic mean?"                             
Student: "It's a ringtone, isn't it?."

From my music class.

[allthumbs]

Greetings

A pianist and singer are rehearsing "Autumn Leaves" for a concert and the pianist says:
"OK. We will start in G minor and then on the third bar, modulate to B major and go into 5/4. When you get to the bridge, modulate back down to F# minor and alternate a 4/4 bar with a 7/4 bar. On the last A section go into double time and slowly modulate back to G minor."
The singer says:
"Wow, I don't think I can remember all of that."
The pianist says:
"Well, that's what you did last time."

I just came across this thread. That was funny. I am going to send that one to my younger sister, she is a soprano with the Victoria Opera.


OK, here's a couple for you.

Q. What do you ask a rather bad Soprano singer?

A. "Can you sing solo? So low I can't hear you!  Bad joke

Or in the case of a Tenor. Can you sing tenor; ten or twelve miles away! Another stinker




I'll have some better ones next post.

Cheers

[allthumbs]

Greetings

This is not a piano joke, but one of my favorite general music jokes:

q: What's the difference between a symphony orchestra and a bull?

a: A bull has the horns in front and the a***hole  in the back.

Further to my last post, my sister's husband is the conductor and he'll get this one.


Cheers

[pocorina]

How does a pianist get a million pounds???

He starts off with two million.

[allthumbs]

Greetings

I have some good cartoons saved on my computer as .jpg's. How do I attach them to a post?

Cheers,

[pytis]

here are some crappy pianist jokes for ya

~What did a piano player say to a tightrope walker?
        You better C sharp or you'll B flat!
 
 
Why is an 11-foot concert grand better than a studio upright?
Because it makes a much bigger kaboom when pushed off a cliff.
 

Why was the piano invented?
So the musician would have a place to put his beer.
   

Why was the piano player arrested?
Because he got into treble.
 

What do you get if you enroll in a liberal arts program and the only subject you do well in is music?
        A natural major.
 

What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away?
        Root position cords.
 
 
Little Noah came into the house with a new harmonica. "Grandpa, do you mind if I play this in here?"

"Of course not, Noah. I love music. In fact, when your grandma and I were young, music saved my life."

"What happened?"

"Well, it was during the famous Johnstown flood. The dam broke and when the water hit our house it knocked it right off the foundation. Grandma got on the dining room table and floated out safely."

"How about you?"

"Me? I accompanied her on the piano!"

[allthumbs]

Greetings

Greetings

I have some good cartoons saved on my computer as .jpg's. How do I attach them to a post?

Cheers,

I just found the answer to my own question.

https://www.pianoforum.net/smf/index.php/topic,5503.msg53057.html#msg53057


Cheers

[allthumbs]

Greetings

I uploaded some Farside Cartoons by Gary Larson related to music.

Sorry, the site I was using did not work out and they deleated the files I posted, so I've removed the link.

Cheers

[bwv]

Greetings

I uploaded some Farside Cartoons by Gary Larson related to music.

https://download.35mb.com/allthumbs/

Cheers

Why do I get virus/trojan warnings after clicking these links?  The link only runs under IE, and requires a "downloader applet" (!) to view a jpg file.  Suspicious.

[allthumbs]

Greetings BWV

Why do I get virus/trojan warnings after clicking these links?  The link only runs under IE, and requires a "downloader applet" (!) to view a jpg file.  Suspicious.

Thanks for the info., this is what was posted on the site and may answer your concerns.


This post is no longer valid.


Cheers

[lostinidlewonder]

Q: Why did the piano have a hard time opening the piano?
A: Cos the keys where on the inside. ahhaha

[gkatele]

I uploaded some Farside Cartoons by Gary Larson related to music.

https://download.35mb.com/allthumbs/

Thanks for the effort however:

1) You have to use Microsoft Internet Explorer to view the site
2) You have to be running Windows - leaving us Macintosh users out of the fun.


George

[Dazzer]

still sounds fishy to me.

not to forget you're leaving us firefox users alone too

[allthumbs]

Greetings

Thanks for the effort however:

1) You have to use Microsoft Internet Explorer to view the site
2) You have to be running Windows - leaving us Macintosh users out of the fun.


George

still sounds fishy to me.

not to forget you're leaving us firefox users alone too

Yeah, you're right. I'm trying to find a better site that doesn't exclude anyone.

I'll post something when I get it figured out.


Cheers

[allthumbs]

Greetings



Yeah, you're right. I'm trying to find a better site that doesn't exclude anyone.

I'll post something when I get it figured out.


Cheers

I'm still looking for a site. Most want too much money. The last site deleted all the files I uploaded after 7 days of inactivity!


Cheers

Couldn't find an appropriate site so I've given up (2005.06.06).

[alraydo]

What's the definition of perfect pitch?








-- It's when the viola lands in the dumpster without hitting any sides.

 

[Triton LE 76]

Come on!! More jokes!!
Gimme gimme

[jhon]

I forgot who said this:

If I don't practice for one day, I know it.  If I don't practice for two days, my teacher knows it.  If I don't practice for three days, the audience knows it!

[JCarey]

I forgot who said this:

If I don't practice for one day, I know it.  If I don't practice for two days, my teacher knows it.  If I don't practice for three days, the audience knows it!

Paderewski


A joke:

Q. Why did Rachmaninoff play the piano so fast?
A. Because he was Russian (rushin').

[thalbergmad]

Ludwig has already told us this joke.

Where is Ludwig?

[JCarey]

Ludwig has already told us this joke.

Where is Ludwig?

I am Ludwig. I found that I could not change my username, so I decided to create a new account.

Apparently I have told you that joke before. That just shows you the extent of my knowledge as far as jokes are concerned.

[Bouter Boogie]

Paderewski


A joke:

Q. Why did Rachmaninoff play the piano so fast?
A. Because he was Russian (rushin').

HAHAHAHAHA, that's a good one  I guess you can use that joke for every Russian, eh 

[Etude]

-

[Triton LE 76]

Come on!
More jokes!
Your jokes are hilarous

Joern

[greyrune]

ok i have one but i'm not sure you'll approve.

There's this guy sitting in a bar one day having a quiet drink, just relaxing as one does.  Another man walks up to the bar and orders a drink.  He looks over and says "If i show you something really amazing will you buy me my next round."
The first guy's a little dubious but he agrees so long as it's really amazing.  So the second man takes a box out of his pocket and put it on the bar.  He opens it and amazingly there's a tiny little man sitting behind a tiny little piano, playing his tiny little heart out.  "Well i'll have to give it to you that's pretty amazing" says the first guy and buys a drink as agreed.  "So how on earth did you find something like that?" he asks.  "With this" the man replies and holds out an old looking lantern.  "Just rub it."  So the first guy rubs it and a genie appears right in front of them "You wish is my command" he booms.  "Alright, i wish for a million bucks!" says the first guy.  The genie disappears and nothing happens for a while then suddenly a duck waddles into the bar followed by another and another, then they begin pouring in in their hundreds.  Soon the bar is swamped by ducks.  "what the hell is going on" exclaims the first guy.  "Yeah the genie's a little hard of hearing" replies the second "You really think i asked for a ten inch pianist?"

There you go, not the most tasteful of jokes but at least it has a piano in it and everyone else seems to have run out.

[Dazzer]

- claps -

more Victor Borge from a file i downloaded.

After he fails to find the C key, he remarks:"Now i understand why those americans like to say 'Long Time! No C!'"

"Isn't it a shame that all these big fat opera singers like to lean against the piano and bend them?"

[Sergey R]

This one isn't piano, but it's musical:

Q: What's the difference between a clarinet and an onion?

A: No-one cries when you chop a clarinet into little pieces.

[MattL]

Heres something famous that Chopin said   

"The three most celebrated doctors on the island have been to see me. One sniffed at what I spat, the second tapped where I spat from, and the third sounded me and listened as I spat. The first said I was dead, the second that I was dying, and the third that I'm going to die."

Don't know if you find that funny but oh well

And here is a really wierd quote that I found in my rummage

"A strange adventure befell me while I was playing my Sonata in B flat minor before some English friends. I had played the Allegro and the Scherzo more or less correctly. I was about to attack the March when suddenly I saw arising from the body of my piano those cursed creatures which had appeared to me one lugubrious night at the Chartreuse [Majorca]. I had to leave for one instant to pull myself together after which I continued without saying anything." 

What was going on with Chopin? (Of topic but intersting none the less)

[silvaone]

Before crossing the road what did the Grand piano say to the keyboard?

You better C-sharp or you'll B-flat

- Silva

[thalberg]

Wow!  That Chopin thing freaks me out.  Where did you find that? I'd really like to know.

Okay, this is original--I made it up myself little by little as I encountered sopranos in life.  This pertains to all of us because we accomapany them.

TOP TEN THINGS YOU'LL NEVER HEAR A SOPRANO SAY:

10.  Fine, have it your way.
9.  Oh, I get it.
8.  No thanks, I couldn't eat another bite.
7. Wow, YOU did a really good job.
6.  I wonder if other people have feelings.
5. Darn, all the practice rooms are full.
4. Does anyone have a metronome?
3.  I'm having some doubts about my pitch accuracy.
2. I now see the impact of my behavior.
1.  I would like to thank my accompanist.

[anda]

lol, thalberg, you obviously have worked with singers

let me add:

TOP TEN THINGS A SOPRANO WOULD SAY:

10. you are too loud, i can't hear myself!
9. this piano is out of tune
8. stupid conductor, has he never heard of rubato?
7. why weren't you (the accompanist) here at 4.15 when i came? (the rehearsal being, of course, at 3)
6. this dress makes me look fat, get me another taylor!
5. move the piano, i want it in that dark corner
4. *that* soprano is soooo fat!
3. my pitch was perfect!
2. i don't need the score!
1. IT'S YOUR FAULT!

[Doodle]

Violist- I like that piece that starts with a trill.
Violinist translator - that means he like Fur Elise.

What's the difference between a viola and an onion?
Nobody cries when you cut up a viola.

Whats the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
Nobody takes off their shoes when they are jumping on a viola.

What is the general makeup of a string quartet?
Someone who plays the violin.
Someone who is trying to play the violin.
Someone who used to play the violin.
and Someone who hates violinists.

There was a dramatic concert one night at the Hollywood Bowl.   A freak storm arose during Beethoven's 9th Symphony.  Before the last movement, the conductor called an intermission to see whether the weather was going to clear up.   During that intermission all the player made sure to tie down their scores due to the winds.  Of course, the bass section took the opportunity to hit the wet bar also.  So when the concert resumed.....

It was the bottom of the ninth, the scores were tied.... and the basses....were loaded.
D

[thalberg]

LOL, anda!  Bravo!!!!