Jokes! (Nothing to do about music)

[ihatepop]

Here are a few.

1) BRAIN TUMOR:
>
> Doctor: I regret to tell you that you have a brain
> tumor.
>
> Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)
>
> Doctor: Did you understand what I just told you?
>
> Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?
>
> Doctor: Then why are you so happy?
>
> Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain!
>
>
>
> 2) MR. BEAN WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL:
>
> Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?
>
> Mr. Bean: 9
>
> Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?
>
> Mr. Bean: Are you trying to fool me, you've just
> twisted the figure, the
> answer is 6!!
>
>
>
> 3) WHILE IN A DRUG STORE:
>
> Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
>
> Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
>
> Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the
> alphabet yet!!
>
>
>
> 4) MARRIAGE:
>
> Friend: How many women do you believe must a man
> marry?
>
> Mr. Bean: 16
>
> Friend: Why?
>
> Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4
> poorer, 4 better and 4worse.
>
>
>
>
> 5) CHATTING WITH HIS FRIEND:
>
> Friend: How was the tape you borrowed from me, is it
> Ok?
>
> Mr. Bean: What do you mean ok, I thought it's a
> horror film. I didn't see
> any picture.
>
> Friend: What tape did you take anyway?
>
> Mr. Bean: Head Cleaner.
>
>
>
>
> 6) DEATH OF HIS MOTHER:
>
> Mr. Bean:(crying) the doctor called, Mom's dead.
>
> Friend: condolence, my friend.
>
> (After 2 minutes) Mr. Bean cries even louder
>
> Friend: what now?
>
> Mr. Bean: my sister just called, her mom died too!
>
>
>
>
> 7) MR. BEAN ATTENDING A MEETING:
>
> Colleague: Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in an
> elevator for 4 hrs because of
> a
> power failure.
>
> Mr. Bean: That's alright, me too...I got stuck on
> the escalator for 3 hrs.
>
>
>
>
> AT AN ATM MACHINE:
>
> Friend: What are you looking at?
>
> Mr. Bean: I know your PIN no., hee, hee.
>
> Friend: Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it?
>
> Mr. Bean: four asterisks (****)!

Computer Jokes

Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the
screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

===============

Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill
Gates.

===============

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time
I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and
placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he 
can't
find it...

============== =

Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.

===============

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Woolies.

===============

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there
another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...

===============

Customer: can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.

===============

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

===============

Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get
the circle around it?

===============

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her
printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point.
The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his
printer is working fine."

===============

And last but not least...

Tech support: "Okay Colin, let's press the control and escape keys at
the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.
Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Colin
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

Start sharing!!!

ihatepop

[pianistimo]

a woman named beverly who lived in beverly hills was taken by ambulance to cedar sinai for a heart attack.  during her procedure, she had a near death experience and saw God.  she asked, 'is this it?'  He said, 'no, you have another 30-40 years.'  after that she relaxed and made it to the other end of the operation.  shortly thereafter, she came back to cedar sinai for a face lift, breast implants, botox, cheek implants, and liposuction.  she thought that if she had another 30-40 years that she may as well enjoy them.  unfortunately, as she was leaving the hospital she was hit by a speeding ambulance.  when finally met God, she asked 'i thought you said i had another 30-40 years.'  He said, 'I didn't recognize you.'

[ihatepop]

a woman named beverly who lived in beverly hills was taken by ambulance to cedar sinai for a heart attack.  during her procedure, she had a near death experience and saw God.  she asked, 'is this it?'  He said, 'no, you have another 30-40 years.'  after that she relaxed and made it to the other end of the operation.  shortly thereafter, she came back to cedar sinai for a face lift, breast implants, botox, cheek implants, and liposuction.  she thought that if she had another 30-40 years that she may as well enjoy them.  unfortunately, as she was leaving the hospital she was hit by a speeding ambulance.  when finally met God, she asked 'i thought you said i had another 30-40 years.'  He said, 'I didn't recognize you.'

Ah....heard that before.

Why did Grandma put wheels under her rocking chair?
She wanted to rock and roll.

Go Grandma!!!

ihatepop

[krenske]

whats the difference between a viola player and a bucket of sh*t?
ans: the bucket

who do you shoot first: the conductor or the viola player?
ans: the conductor.. business before pleasure!

why did the boy fall out of the tree?
ans: because somebody threw a fridge at him.

why did the boy fall off his bike?
ans: he was dead.

why did the boy fall off the swing?
ans: he had no arms.

[pianowolfi]

surrealistic joke (warning. don't look for sense): Three cows hang in the cellar cutting oil. One says to the other 'you know, today is Mother's Day!' the other: 'That doesn't matter, I've got my bicycle here.' (myotherself may even learn from this)

[pianowolfi]

Pothead joke. A pothead is smoking a joint on the balcony. Suddenly he sees a great fireball passing by. 'Oh, what did i smoke? Wow, let's try another one. He builds a new joint and starts to smoke again. Again the great fireball passes by. 'Wow, thats amazing. Good stuff, let's give it another try. After having smoked the third joint and having seen the fireball the third time he feels a bit confused though.' Mom, mom, please give me st to drink, I'm dying of thirst!' Mom answers: ' no wonder, you're hanging around on the balcony now for three days!'

[pianowolfi]

Bill Gates passes this mortal coil and to nobody's surprise including his own, arrives in hell.

Satan greets him: 'Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Frankly releasing Windows 95 two years early, would by itself, have landed you here. But enough of that.

'You've arrived on a day when I'm in a good mood, so I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.'

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner.

Without hesitation, Bill says 'I'll take this option.'

'Fine,' says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan then locks the door.

As Satan turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. 'That was Bill Gates!' cried Lucifer. 'Why did you give him the best place of all!'

'That's what everyone thinks' snickered Satan.

'The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn't!'

'What about the PC?'

'It's got Windows NT!' laughed Satan. 'And it's missing three keys,'

'Which three?'

'Control, Alt and Delete.'

[lisztisforkids]

This boy's girlfriend told him that if he would come over and eat dinner with his family, and leave a nice immpresion on her parents she would have sex with him. Ofcourse he says yes. So when the day of the dinner comes along, the boy goes to a Pharmacy and asks the Pharmacist about condoms since he is a virgin. The Pharamacist and the boy talk a half in hour about different condom sizes, kinds, etc.. So the boy finally decides to buy the family pack and goes to the girls house. At the dinner table during the prayer, the boy continues to pray with his head down many minuets after the original prayer was said. The girl nudges the boy as says "I never you were so religous", the boy says "I never new your dad was a Pharmacist".

[brewtality]

an old one but still good, although it's funniest if you're a lawyer or law student:

Jack and Jill in Legalese

"The party of the first part shall hereinafter be referred to as Jack, and the party of the second part shall hereinafter be referred to as Jill.

The parties ascended or caused to be ascended an elevation of undetermined height and degree of slope. Their purpose was to obtain, attain, procure, secure, or otherwise gain access to a receptacle suitable for the transport of a liquid consisting of hydrogen and oxygen.

The proportions of which shall not be greater than nor less than two parts of the first mentioned element and one of the latter. This composition shall hereinafter be called water. On the occasion stated above, it has been established beyond a reasonable doubt that Jack did plunge, tumble, topple, or otherwise was caused to lose his footing in such a manner as to thrust his body in the downward direction.

As a direct and proximate cause of these combined circumstances, Jack suffered fractures and contusions to his cranial region. Jill is said to have fallen after Jack. Whether after is used in the spacial or time passage sense has not been determined."

Can't remember if this is the best version but oh well.

[trunks]

Q: What would you do if the baby won't drink cold milk?
A: Easy. Boil it!
=======================================================

Boy: How do dogs smell, mom?
Mom: With their noses, dear.

Boy: Then how do I smell?
Mom: Terrible! Now go get a shower!
=======================================================

Last evening we had Jack for dinner.
=======================================================

My big sister can make cookies as delicious as mom.
=======================================================

EPITAPH 1:
Here lies the body of Mr John Smith
who lost his life in a ship wreck.
He was never found.

EPITAPH 2:
Here lies Mr G Bush
who died in an explosion.
Rest In Pieces!

EPITAPH 3:
Here lies Mark the dentist
now filling his eternal cavity.
=======================================================

A foolish man, picking a piece of pork with his fork,
asked: "Is this pig?"

"Which end of the fork, sir?" Came the reply.
=======================================================

A lady just inherited a fortune from her father. She hired
an orchestra for a formal occasion. After having heard
the orchestra's performance, she said:

"Lovely performance! Whose music is that?"

"Mozart, madam."

"Oh, I see! Is he still composing?"

"(solemnly) No, madam. He is decomposing."
========================================================

[henrah]

From during the time of Mad Cow Disease:

Cow: Gertrude, aren't you worried about mad cow disease?
Other cow (Gertrude): Don't worry, it doesn't affect us squirrels!!


Why do elephants paint their feet yellow? So they can hide upside down in custard.
Have you ever seen an elephant in your custard? Well it works well then doesn't it!


Why do elephants paint their balls red? So they can hide in cherry trees.
How did Tarzan die? Cherry picking

[ihatepop]

From during the time of Mad Cow Disease:

Cow: Gertrude, aren't you worried about mad cow disease?
Other cow (Gertrude): Don't worry, it doesn't affect us squirrels!!

Why do elephants paint their balls red? So they can hide in cherry trees.
How did Tarzan die? Cherry picking

I don't get these 2.....why balls? What are balls?

ihatepop

[pianowolfi]

You know errr... these things... yeah, know what I mean....ok these things a male creature needs to reproduce itself...  

[henrah]

I don't get these 2.....why balls? What are balls?

ihatepop

Testicles, bollocks, family jewels, sperm producers - whatever lol

[ce nedra]

 George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is
Waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have
no  Room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you
what  I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad
as you.  I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
 George thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.
 The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large
pool of
Water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and
over,  Such was his fate in Hell.
 "No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't
Think I could do that all day long."
 The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a
sledgehammer
And a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after
time  After time.
 "No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant
agony if
All I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.
 The Devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying
naked on
The floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in
Spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does
Best.
 Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can
Handle this."
 The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"

[ihatepop]

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is
Waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have
no  Room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you
what  I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad
as you.  I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
 George thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.
 The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large
pool of
Water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and
over,  Such was his fate in Hell.
 "No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't
Think I could do that all day long."
 The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a
sledgehammer
And a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after
time  After time.
 "No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant
agony if
All I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.
 The Devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying
naked on
The floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in
Spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does
Best.
 Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can
Handle this."
 The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"

HAHAHAHAHAH!!!

ihatepop

[trunks]

Cow: Gertrude, aren't you worried about mad cow disease?
Other cow (Gertrude): Don't worry, it doesn't affect us squirrels!!

Um, I don't get the squirrel  thing . . .

[wishful thinker]

Doh.  The cow thinks its a squirrel.  Its clearly mad 

[henrah]

Hence it having mad cow disease!

[ihatepop]

Victor Borge was playing in a concert.

V.B: I need someone to turn the pages for me.
(the guy who controls the stage lights walks on stage)
V.B: What do you do?
guy: I call the lights
(V.B pauses for a moment)
V.B: pardon, I did'nt hear that....
guy:I call the lights.
V.B then what do you call the lights?
guy: I'm....not sure, victor borge sir.
V.B: bulbs

V.B: Then what do you say when the lights don't come when they are called?
Guy: (Shakes head)
V.B: Long time, no see!

ihaTEPOP