How do you handle difficult people?

[mycrabface]

I'm sure you've heard of the office b**ch (btw how many stars must one put to sensor a word?). Has she b**ched about you before? What if there's a male b**ch trying to make your life difficult, running you down all the time, saying mean things about you and only you, being nice to everyone and creating the impression to everyone else that he's the average nice guy, calling you names indirectly, (this is considered bullying) and the worst thing is, He's your boss! You work under him! You have to do what he says! I do whatever he wants me to, but I just hate it when he doesn't have respect for me. The thing is, I did not do anything to offend him or anything mean to him, so why is acting this way to me? What should I do if I want this to stop?

[franzliszt2]

Just don't let it bother you, and especially don't let him see it bothers you. Just look down on him as a pathetic loser. When he says something, just look at him as if he's piece of rubbish, and make it look like he's a loser for being nasty

[elspeth]

If it really does bother you, you've got to talk to someone. Either the HR department, another manager on the same level of seniority as your boss, or your boss' boss. Be careful not to make the conversation into a personal attack on your boss.

'I understand there's such a thing as personality clash but I don't know what I've done to give offence. Here are some examples of what happens which makes me uncomfortable... and when (example) happens, I feel... and this situation has an impact on my work because... and on me personally because...'

If push comes to shove you may end up making a formal bullying complaint, or leaving. Or both. And if you can prove you left because you were bullied, a conversation with a solicitor would be interesting.

About eighteen months ago I had issues with a new line manager I had to work with because of a merger - I thought he was arrogant and condescending, he thought I was completely unreasonable. Eventually we had a blazing row about a piece of work we had different opinions on, and it completely cleared the air and now we're good friends and work together really well. I don't recommend that as a course of action, but the point is, if you let him continue to treat you as he is, he's not going to stop. You've got to move the goalposts, and you do that by talking to HR or another manager.

[landru]

I second franzliszt2's advice. The main thing about drama kings and queens is that their wanting to see your reaction is a form of dominance. Take away your reaction and their quest for dominance is foiled. This guy probably thinks you are threatening in whatever sense and is trying to alpha-male office stuff.

Now if you are already past that stage - i.e. his behavior is still going on even though you are even tempered around him,  then look at it as his problem, not yours. Usually people who hear stories from these kinds of people know enough about the source not to pay too much attention to them. But you do have a problem in that he is your boss. If it comes to it, you may just have to call him on it in a one-on-one meeting. If so, be sure to always, always, relate on how you feel when you hear things he said about you that you have ...um "misinterpreted".... I say "misinterpreted" even though both you and he know that you didn't "misinterpret anything - try to give him a way out by telling your point of view and not make an accusation. Never try to corner an alpha-male boss - always try to say things about how things are affecting you AND not say things like "You did this and You did that". Don't search for an apology, depending on the ego you won't get one. But bullies do back down when a) someone stands up to them and b) their bullying does not get the proper submissive reactions.

There are ways to "suggest" a mutually beneficial stalemate as long as you plan out what you want from the meeting well beforehand and come up with "defenses" to any likely objections. The main thing is you just want to work without getting harassed!

Hope this meandering post helps!

[elspeth]

Forgot to mention - diaries are also useful. Obviously don't keep it on your work PC or in a book in your desk drawer, but record incidents - what happened, when and who else was there. Then, long-term, you have back-up to a bullying complaint should you need it.

[bench warmer]

I find my Taser nicely gives obnoxious bullies quite the correct attitude adjustment.

Works great also if you are performing and someone (or more) won't be quiet.
Not only does it immediately set the guy straight, it also puts the rest of the audience in the proper frame of mind.

[jakev2.0]

With a good pair of gloves.

[rc]

I agree with landru and elspeth.  It's always best to give them a chance to explain themselves 1-on-1 before taking it to someone else, so that's my advised course of action.

Ignoring difficult people is good if you don't have to deal with them all the time, it's easy to make them disappear from your life.  But when you're seeing him everyday at work, you've got to do something.

There've been a few times in my life where anger was the solution, somebody just wouldn't leave me alone with their dominance games so I let the temper fly.  You'd be surprised how quickly someone will respect you when they see your bark is willing to bite...  But this isn't your case, your boss has inherent authority in the workplace so you don't want to play that game.

So take it to him, be firm and take the perspective of "this is a problem and we have to fix it", don't be apologetic and know that if he decides not to participate that you have alternate courses of action, to take it to people who have power over him.  I don't know your boss's character, but it's also good to keep in mind that the worst case scenario is that you will have to find another job, which I'm sure you could deal with more easily than a boss making life hell.

I'll repeat what elspeth said about not making it a personal attack on your boss.  If you boss decides to become upset, don't give him a reason, let it be because he's unreasonable.

[Bob]

Stay professional.

If you don't have to meet with the person face to face, don't.  Write things down and give that to them.

Flat out tell them your impression.  It's possible they have no idea they are being rude.  Doubtful, but possible.  You have to inform this person there is a problem though.

Document.  Document what this person has done.  Document that you have actively tried to remedy things yourself first -- ie You aren't just complaining.  You have tried to find a solution to the problem yourself before involving anyone other then you and this person.

If you communicate in writing, they will probably respond in writing.  That's instant documentation.  Email works great for that.  If this person is being rude in writing, you've got it documented.

After you've informed the person who is rude, and if they are still rude, go to the person right above them.  Follow the chain of command.  Don't go over the rude person's head until you have talked to the rude person though -- Otherwise the higher up person will be wondering why you are just complaining and didn't try to solve the problem yourself first.

Be professional.  Be assertive, but not agressive.  Don't ignore it if it is a problem.

I wouldn't worry about where you document this stuff.  As long as you're professional about it -- It shouldn't matter who reads it.  If your place of employment spies in and reads your email, then they get to read your list of documentation about an incident.

Make sure your totally blameless too.  If this person has a problem with you, they may be making their own list of things you're doing wrong.  Don't do anything unprofessional at all.  Give them nothing to complain about.

Make sure you do something.  If you do nothing, someone could said you ignored a problem and allowed it to continue.  You don't create a problem, but you can definitely get blamed for one.  It's no fair, but I see it happen.

Check yourself.  Try to see if you're doing anything to create the situation.  Hard to do but it's possible you do something to contribute or encourage it.  (I doubt that though.)

When you document things, it has to be objective.  Use exact words.  Use specific numbers -- count things.  It makes a difference if something happens once, or if it happens ten times a day everyday for three weeks.  When you document stuff over time, you'll be able to see patterns.  You can show that some type of behavior is consistent -- So if you don't deal with the issue, you have enough of a track record to be able to predict the future, and that's the future you don't want, so you must deal with the issue.

You can only document the stuff that the rude person does directly to you.  You can't really be sure of a rumor -- No one will believe that.  Focus on how this person interacts with you.  If you use another person as documentation, leave out their name.  It would have an impact to say that five people have heard this person make a certain comment about you.  If you go to someone higher up or this rude person themself, leave the names out of the other people since you don't want to drag them into an argument.

Since it's your boss, that makes it much trickier of course.  I would consider leaving if that's an option.  There are always other jobs out there.  The person you work for is going to have some impact (possibly) on your future -- Can you really use them as a professional reference in the future?  If you do leave, stay professional -- You don't want this current boss to be a thorn in your side in the future.  Give them nothing to complain about if a future employer contacts them while making hiring decisions.  If you're leaving this boss and you've got some documentation, you've got something more solid if anyone in the future asks what the problem was at your current job -- Not that that will do much good, but being able to say "My boss didn't keep me informed.  I missed seven meetings because this boss didn't inform me about them, and informing me of meetings is part of his job,"  that's better than just saying "I don't like my boss."

Specific, measureable, objective documentation is hard to argue with.

IF, and that's a big IF, IF all the documentation is worth it.  You may come out of the situation looking bad, even if you're not at fault.  You can do something.  You can do nothing and put up with it.  Or, you can leave.  That's usually about the only options.

If you're speaking to this person and they say something rude, tell them.  Let them finish their sentence.  Then repeat what they said, and then tell them you find it rude -- "You said 'blah, blah, blah,' just now right?  (They will have to agree because they just said it)  I find that rude."  And leave it at that for them to respond.  Or add, "Don't you think telling someone... blah, blah, blah... is a little rude?"


I tend to avoid these people, but that doesn't always come out so well.  Sometimes, it really makes me look bad.  At the least, it creates a negative influence on things.  Things don't happen that might have.  Things aren't thought of that might have been.  You don't add those extra touches to projects that you might have.  And that's a lose-lose situation for everyone.  Which means... I would deal with the problem for your own gains, for your own best interest.  Dealing with a problem head on also gives you more control, or at least the feeling of control, over the situation.  So, if I had a problem with someone (and I do, can you tell?)  I remove myself from the situation for a bit, regroup, get some hard documentation, and then confront them.  It's possible to do this in a way that makes you look very professional and puts you in a good light.  Ultimately, if you can resolve the situation and the other party is happy, then it's a win-win situation, but it's very tempting (and possible) to make the other party look pretty foolish.  If the other person truly has done things wrong, you can be in a position to make them look bad, to expose them, if you want to play that card.

Avoiding a person is ok, but it cuts off communication.  Clear, open communication is a good thing.  I get "ghosts" in my mind and start putting thoughts in the other person's head.  If you talk to them, you can find out what they're thinking.  And -- you still have to do your job with this person, so you'll have to do some communicating.

It can be a tricky, stressful situation.  Good luck.

And let us know how it turns out.  I want more advice in this area too.

Once you've done all you can, you've done your part.  If the person continues to be rude, just keep documenting and keep the higher ups informed now and then.  That's about all you can do.  Except leaving at that point -- Why didn't those higher up people help you deal with the problem at that point?

[ted]

We can assume that you are polite to him, I suppose, and that you do the job to the best of your ability ? Therefore the correct thing to do is tell him calmly and privately how he makes you feel and see if things improve. Almost forty years of work have taught me that 90% of these people honestly have no idea of the misery they cause. Many keep on being obnoxious for years simply because their staff keep on leaving without indicating the true reason. They may even come to view this as a sign of their own comparative quality.

There is a very small chance that he is one of the few pathological cases and has a real mental problem. If your polite remonstrance has no effect or a negative effect, then you have no real alternative to confronting his boss in the presence of your boss, not aggressively, but simply to put the record straight about why you are leaving.

Every human being in a workplace, from the factory cleaner to the managing director, has precisely the same right to civil behaviour, politeness and decency regardless of his or her position in the chain of command. Such things are not dependent on salary or position but are invariant over all human interaction. There is, of course, or should be, a clearly defined chain of command. If you are given a job to do and it is within your ability and your moral conscience then you must do it to the best of your ability; that is why you are being paid and what work is all about.

In my experience, interpersonal problems at work very often result from a lack of clear definition of this chain of command. The definition is the responsibility of the man or woman at the very top. In general, a preponderance of interpersonal conflict in a workplace is a sure sign of a weak or incompetent boss at the top.

[mycrabface]

If it really does bother you, you've got to talk to someone. Either the HR department, another manager on the same level of seniority as your boss, or your boss' boss. Be careful not to make the conversation into a personal attack on your boss.

'I understand there's such a thing as personality clash but I don't know what I've done to give offence. Here are some examples of what happens which makes me uncomfortable... and when (example) happens, I feel... and this situation has an impact on my work because... and on me personally because...'

If push comes to shove you may end up making a formal bullying complaint, or leaving. Or both. And if you can prove you left because you were bullied, a conversation with a solicitor would be interesting.

About eighteen months ago I had issues with a new line manager I had to work with because of a merger - I thought he was arrogant and condescending, he thought I was completely unreasonable. Eventually we had a blazing row about a piece of work we had different opinions on, and it completely cleared the air and now we're good friends and work together really well. I don't recommend that as a course of action, but the point is, if you let him continue to treat you as he is, he's not going to stop. You've got to move the goalposts, and you do that by talking to HR or another manager.

I know a higher being, but who do you think she'll believe? The Righteous Leader or the Plain Worker?

I second franzliszt2's advice. The main thing about drama kings and queens is that their wanting to see your reaction is a form of dominance. Take away your reaction and their quest for dominance is foiled. This guy probably thinks you are threatening in whatever sense and is trying to alpha-male office stuff.

Now if you are already past that stage - i.e. his behavior is still going on even though you are even tempered around him, then look at it as his problem, not yours. Usually people who hear stories from these kinds of people know enough about the source not to pay too much attention to them. But you do have a problem in that he is your boss. If it comes to it, you may just have to call him on it in a one-on-one meeting. If so, be sure to always, always, relate on how you feel when you hear things he said about you that you have ...um "misinterpreted".... I say "misinterpreted" even though both you and he know that you didn't "misinterpret anything - try to give him a way out by telling your point of view and not make an accusation. Never try to corner an alpha-male boss - always try to say things about how things are affecting you AND not say things like "You did this and You did that". Don't search for an apology, depending on the ego you won't get one. But bullies do back down when a) someone stands up to them and b) their bullying does not get the proper submissive reactions.

There are ways to "suggest" a mutually beneficial stalemate as long as you plan out what you want from the meeting well beforehand and come up with "defenses" to any likely objections. The main thing is you just want to work without getting harassed!

Hope this meandering post helps!

Me? Threatening? He's not the full alpha male. There's another head, who actually sabotaged me last year. Don't want to dwell on that. Anyway she's slightly higher than him.
I didn't insult him. HE's the one.

I agree with landru and elspeth. It's always best to give them a chance to explain themselves 1-on-1 before taking it to someone else, so that's my advised course of action.

Ignoring difficult people is good if you don't have to deal with them all the time, it's easy to make them disappear from your life. But when you're seeing him everyday at work, you've got to do something.

There've been a few times in my life where anger was the solution, somebody just wouldn't leave me alone with their dominance games so I let the temper fly. You'd be surprised how quickly someone will respect you when they see your bark is willing to bite... But this isn't your case, your boss has inherent authority in the workplace so you don't want to play that game.

So take it to him, be firm and take the perspective of "this is a problem and we have to fix it", don't be apologetic and know that if he decides not to participate that you have alternate courses of action, to take it to people who have power over him. I don't know your boss's character, but it's also good to keep in mind that the worst case scenario is that you will have to find another job, which I'm sure you could deal with more easily than a boss making life hell.

I'll repeat what elspeth said about not making it a personal attack on your boss. If you boss decides to become upset, don't give him a reason, let it be because he's unreasonable.

Ohh don't you think its too long trying to ignore him? I'll be with him forever. Oh he's actually really nice. He was.

Stay professional.

If you don't have to meet with the person face to face, don't.  Write things down and give that to them.

Flat out tell them your impression.  It's possible they have no idea they are being rude.  Doubtful, but possible.  You have to inform this person there is a problem though.

Document.  Document what this person has done.  Document that you have actively tried to remedy things yourself first -- ie You aren't just complaining.  You have tried to find a solution to the problem yourself before involving anyone other then you and this person.

If you communicate in writing, they will probably respond in writing.  That's instant documentation.  Email works great for that.  If this person is being rude in writing, you've got it documented.

After you've informed the person who is rude, and if they are still rude, go to the person right above them.  Follow the chain of command.  Don't go over the rude person's head until you have talked to the rude person though -- Otherwise the higher up person will be wondering why you are just complaining and didn't try to solve the problem yourself first.

Be professional.  Be assertive, but not agressive.  Don't ignore it if it is a problem.

I wouldn't worry about where you document this stuff.  As long as you're professional about it -- It shouldn't matter who reads it.  If your place of employment spies in and reads your email, then they get to read your list of documentation about an incident.

Make sure your totally blameless too.  If this person has a problem with you, they may be making their own list of things you're doing wrong.  Don't do anything unprofessional at all.  Give them nothing to complain about.

Make sure you do something.  If you do nothing, someone could said you ignored a problem and allowed it to continue.  You don't create a problem, but you can definitely get blamed for one.  It's no fair, but I see it happen.

Check yourself.  Try to see if you're doing anything to create the situation.  Hard to do but it's possible you do something to contribute or encourage it.  (I doubt that though.)

When you document things, it has to be objective.  Use exact words.  Use specific numbers -- count things.  It makes a difference if something happens once, or if it happens ten times a day everyday for three weeks.  When you document stuff over time, you'll be able to see patterns.  You can show that some type of behavior is consistent -- So if you don't deal with the issue, you have enough of a track record to be able to predict the future, and that's the future you don't want, so you must deal with the issue.

You can only document the stuff that the rude person does directly to you.  You can't really be sure of a rumor -- No one will believe that.  Focus on how this person interacts with you.  If you use another person as documentation, leave out their name.  It would have an impact to say that five people have heard this person make a certain comment about you.  If you go to someone higher up or this rude person themself, leave the names out of the other people since you don't want to drag them into an argument.

Since it's your boss, that makes it much trickier of course.  I would consider leaving if that's an option.  There are always other jobs out there.  The person you work for is going to have some impact (possibly) on your future -- Can you really use them as a professional reference in the future?  If you do leave, stay professional -- You don't want this current boss to be a thorn in your side in the future.  Give them nothing to complain about if a future employer contacts them while making hiring decisions.  If you're leaving this boss and you've got some documentation, you've got something more solid if anyone in the future asks what the problem was at your current job -- Not that that will do much good, but being able to say "My boss didn't keep me informed.  I missed seven meetings because this boss didn't inform me about them, and informing me of meetings is part of his job,"  that's better than just saying "I don't like my boss."

Specific, measureable, objective documentation is hard to argue with.

IF, and that's a big IF, IF all the documentation is worth it.  You may come out of the situation looking bad, even if you're not at fault.  You can do something.  You can do nothing and put up with it.  Or, you can leave.  That's usually about the only options.

If you're speaking to this person and they say something rude, tell them.  Let them finish their sentence.  Then repeat what they said, and then tell them you find it rude -- "You said 'blah, blah, blah,' just now right?  (They will have to agree because they just said it)  I find that rude."  And leave it at that for them to respond.  Or add, "Don't you think telling someone... blah, blah, blah... is a little rude?"


I tend to avoid these people, but that doesn't always come out so well.  Sometimes, it really makes me look bad.  At the least, it creates a negative influence on things.  Things don't happen that might have.  Things aren't thought of that might have been.  You don't add those extra touches to projects that you might have.  And that's a lose-lose situation for everyone.  Which means... I would deal with the problem for your own gains, for your own best interest.  Dealing with a problem head on also gives you more control, or at least the feeling of control, over the situation.  So, if I had a problem with someone (and I do, can you tell?)  I remove myself from the situation for a bit, regroup, get some hard documentation, and then confront them.  It's possible to do this in a way that makes you look very professional and puts you in a good light.  Ultimately, if you can resolve the situation and the other party is happy, then it's a win-win situation, but it's very tempting (and possible) to make the other party look pretty foolish.  If the other person truly has done things wrong, you can be in a position to make them look bad, to expose them, if you want to play that card.

Avoiding a person is ok, but it cuts off communication.  Clear, open communication is a good thing.  I get "ghosts" in my mind and start putting thoughts in the other person's head.  If you talk to them, you can find out what they're thinking.  And -- you still have to do your job with this person, so you'll have to do some communicating.

It can be a tricky, stressful situation.  Good luck.

And let us know how it turns out.  I want more advice in this area too.

Once you've done all you can, you've done your part.  If the person continues to be rude, just keep documenting and keep the higher ups informed now and then.  That's about all you can do.  Except leaving at that point -- Why didn't those higher up people help you deal with the problem at that point?

Yes I asked him politely why he was being so mean and if he had a problem with me, better tell me right now so we can work it out. He obviously didn't want to co-operate.
Isn't that being bi*chy? Taking information secretly and showing it to the higher person? Anyway like what I said, I don't think anyone will really be on my side, and I don't really want to make all this into a huge fuss, otherwise everyone would be talking about it.
No one hears what he's said to me. He kicks me around in private. Its like rape. My close friends don't give a d*mn because they haven't seen or heard anything.
I usually avoid these people too, but I have to work with him, not against.
Btw, he's called me stupid before.

We can assume that you are polite to him, I suppose, and that you do the job to the best of your ability ? Therefore the correct thing to do is tell him calmly and privately how he makes you feel and see if things improve. Almost forty years of work have taught me that 90% of these people honestly have no idea of the misery they cause. Many keep on being obnoxious for years simply because their staff keep on leaving without indicating the true reason. They may even come to view this as a sign of their own comparative quality.

There is a very small chance that he is one of the few pathological cases and has a real mental problem. If your polite remonstrance has no effect or a negative effect, then you have no real alternative to confronting his boss in the presence of your boss, not aggressively, but simply to put the record straight about why you are leaving.

Every human being in a workplace, from the factory cleaner to the managing director, has precisely the same right to civil behaviour, politeness and decency regardless of his or her position in the chain of command. Such things are not dependent on salary or position but are invariant over all human interaction. There is, of course, or should be, a clearly defined chain of command. If you are given a job to do and it is within your ability and your moral conscience then you must do it to the best of your ability; that is why you are being paid and what work is all about.

In my experience, interpersonal problems at work very often result from a lack of clear definition of this chain of command. The definition is the responsibility of the man or woman at the very top. In general, a preponderance of interpersonal conflict in a workplace is a sure sign of a weak or incompetent boss at the top.

AYE!

[Bob]

Sounds like a bad place to work.  Quitting might be the only option.  If this person causes you stress and you're stuck working with them daily... why stick around for a long time?  There's only so much garbage you can deal with.  It's only money you get back -- Is the money worth the stress?

I liked what Ted said about the leader setting the tone.  I have seen this too.  I deal with the day to day things, worrying about problems.  Then one day the person a couple levels above me steps in and solves all my problems with a few quick decisions.  If the leaders will listen, keep them informed -- if they don't want to hear suggestions or problems going on then at least you tried.

[soliloquy]

Frame him for manslaughter.









































By killing his wife.

[ahinton]

Frame him for manslaughter.

For killing his wife.

Should one assume for this that, for you, at least, "difficult people" are always male? Just curious...

Best,

Alistair

[soliloquy]

Should one assume for this that, for you, at least, "difficult people" are always male? Just curious...

Best,

Alistair

Should one assume that you are trying to be funny?

I'm sure you've heard of the office b**ch (btw how many stars must one put to sensor a word?). Has she b**ched about you before? What if there's a male b**ch trying to make your life difficult, running you down all the time, saying mean things about you and only you, being nice to everyone and creating the impression to everyone else that he's the average nice guy, calling you names indirectly, (this is considered bullying) and the worst thing is, He's your boss! You work under him! You have to do what he says! I do whatever he wants me to, but I just hate it when he doesn't have respect for me. The thing is, I did not do anything to offend him or anything mean to him, so why is acting this way to me? What should I do if I want this to stop?

[ahinton]

Should one assume that you are trying to be funny?

One may assume whatever one may wish, but I can nevertheless assure you that I was not "trying" to "be" anything in my remark here, referring as I did to your use of the male pronoun in your "Frame him (my underline)..."; now whether or not that alone is, or may be seen as, "funny" is entirely up to you and/or anyone else to decide, if so they can be bothered...

Best,

Alistair

[soliloquy]

One may assume whatever one may wish, but I can nevertheless assure you that I was not "trying" to "be" anything in my remark here, referring as I did to your use of the male pronoun in your "Frame him (my underline)..."; now whether or not that alone is, or may be seen as, "funny" is entirely up to you and/or anyone else to decide, if so they can be bothered...

Best,

Alistair

The original poster made it obvious he was talking about a guy.  It wouldn't make too much sense to say "frame her" now would it?

[ahinton]

The original poster made it obvious he was talking about a guy.  It wouldn't make too much sense to say "frame her" now would it?

As best I understand it, the original poster's actual question - which is the thread title itself - was "How do you handle difficult people?"; the initiator of this thread thereby threw that question open to any reader of his thread to answer, so I think it not unreasonable to assume that the anticipated answers might be expected to come people of either sex and be about about the "difficult people" - again of either sex - that they may have encountered and how they have handled them.

Best,

Alistair

[mycrabface]

The original poster made it obvious he was talking about a guy.  It wouldn't make too much sense to say "frame her" now would it?

I'm a she

[mycrabface]

And this is what happened:

Yesterday he spoke to me (in public) about my dateline extension, because the dateline he gave me last time was ridiculous, because he was probably stressed and hurled vulgarities at me and then gave me a rubbish dateline. I obviously couldn't finish that amount of work on such a short time. So you see - he's actually a nice guy. But then again, why is he picking on me? Only me? Retard? And when we were talking, he didnt call me names or treat me like trash. We spoke as equal human beings. (Maybe because it was in front of other people, and the head was standing three metres away talking to someone else).