When is it time to give up?

[pianowolfi]

I post this in the "anything" thread though it is mainly a question that I ask myself about musical and teaching  matters. I used to be a person that told his students never to give up. But during the last year I noticed that life just had caused me to give up on certain goals, plans, aims. I realized that in certain cases I had NO OTHER WAY than to give up. And now I sit there and ask myself why, and what I am supposed to do. Give up, let it go? A new way will open? Give up, let it go, relax and take a break? Did you ever have the feeling that things just happen and you can't change or control them anymore although you are desperately trying to get them under control? This (for me) bloody but very interesting year 2006 was a year of many decisions like that. I had to give up one goal after the other. It almost could be my motto of the year 2006 lol . Frustrating. But at the same time always I felt a huge relief coming up. Every giving-up situation left me desparate but was at the same time a relief to me. New ways! More chances to find myself! More time to relax! And so on. It is, like many things in life, ambivalent...

[elspeth]

I've never subscribed to the idea that the media tries to feed us that you can be/have anything if you want it badly enough and put the work in. For instance, even had I wanted to be one, I'd never have made it as a ballerina. I'm about eight inches too tall for starters, never mind talking about talent. For all of us there are some things that our bodies just weren't designed for, regardless of what we want. Similarly in terms of mental ability. And, unfortunately, if you do want one of those things, I think the sooner you bite the bullet and realise you can maintain an interest but if you want to be involved it won't be in the way you really would like to be, the better.

Realising you're not going to achieve or be a certain thing can be very liberating - it leaves you free to go and try the next thing. Or just to enjoy not putting yourself under that pressure any more.  Although, before you let something go, I do think you have to have a hard look at it and decide whether you're not going to get it because you can't, or because you don't want to put the work in/take the risk. Quitting because of the first is fine, and so is quitting because of the second - if the risk or work puts you off, you probably didn't really want it anyway. I do think you have to appreciate the difference if it was something that was important to you.

[pianistimo]

there ARe some forced choices in life.  i mean - when i broke my leg, i couldn't really keep taking this one grad class. i was in too much pain to focus.  so - i kind of stopped everything in music.  but if i do that long enough i go crazy.  so then, a few weeks later i was at the piano with my leg sideways in a cast.  then, i cut the cast off (by thanksgiving)...as the accident happened in october.  i started bending my knee as much as possible - and even fell accidentally once - but, despite the huge amount of pain - it actually helped my knee bend fully the 90 degrees backwards that i would have never forced myself to do gingerly 1/4 inch at a time. 

step by step - you just get back into the same game or a different game.  but you have to have a plan of somekind.  unless you are waiting to be drafted for something.  i've sometimes wondered if God had other plans for me than being a pianist - because i've had a lot of ups and downs and sometimes my worst times for practicing have actually gotten the best music out of me because i really focus and concentrate with the time that i have. 

i feel like i'm in a better place for a few years now- because my little one goes to school for a few hours.  none of my kids like me to practice.  they want all the attention.  but, i do anyways - for an hour or so.  but, i like three hours.  do i get it?  only if everyone is gone away.  now - the oldest daughter is in volleyball.  so we go two nights a week to that.  one practice - one game.  the other one is in a musical every monday night.  so, that's three nights out of five.  i'm thinking - hmm - bring cd's in the car and at least listen to some music. 

at least we have something we can pull out of music wherever it happens to be.  encouraging people on piano forum is a nice thing, too!  people sometimes don't get as much encouragement as they need.  people who don't play the piano simply don't care that much.  i mean - you get asked to play a piece and then it's like 'ho hum - now what shall we do.'  you play something for a pianist - and they come and sit near you and just admire.  every pianist needs that at some time or other. 

[elspeth]

I agree, the people around you can have such an influence on whether or not you succeed in something or not, by their attitude to seeing you doing it. If you've got support and encouragement around you it counts for such a lot towards your motivation. Sometimes you just meet someone who makes a chance remark or observation that sets things going for you, just because of a throwaway encouraging remark that nobody else has made to you.

Quick example - I had a new member of staff to train at one of the theatres I work in, about two years ago, who is now a good friend. She's in her early fifties, two grown up kids, happily married and had just moved to the city from somewhere rural, and her ruling passion in life apart from her family is opera. She'd never indulged it while the kids were at home though, and neither her husband nor any of her existing friends were into opera. She'd never been to an opera on her own though - and was genuinely shocked when I asked her why not. Nobody had ever said to her 'you're allowed to have interests your nearest and dearest don't share'. It was actually a completely new line of thought for her. So she went to the opera on her own, after I'd spent some time encouraging her that she could if she wanted to, and loved it. Now she travels all over, both in this country and abroad, to see as much and as good opera as she can. She made a deal with her husband that, when she's off to the opera, if he wants to go cultivate some new interest - or just do things he likes that he knows she's not interested in - she's very happy for him to do so and will support him. Their marriage is stronger than ever because she finally started doing things she really wanted to and she's happier now than she's ever been.

[pianistimo]

that was me, too, a few years back  because i finally thought - i'm not happy.  i love my family.  i love my children.  but doing it 100% of the time and no time for me...it's just too much.  so then, i started leaving during the middle of the day.  no matter if the kids were chasing me being the car crying.  i'd come back in 15-20 minutes and i felt good.  sometimes i'd go shopping - or cycling - or just to the library.  just getting out.  and, thankfully i had a neighbor that would trade with me - if she wanted to go somewhere's  - she'd bring her kids to me.  even sleepovers where she could be gone all night and enjoy a night out on the town - and visa-versa.  you just need it.

sometimes it's tempting to do too much too soon, though.  i mean - when i stopped grad classes (even though it was just one or two at a time)  i started seeing where i was probably neglecting a few important things.  like keeping track of homework and dinner appropriately.  it's impossible to do everything you want all in a matter of one or two years (unless your single, i think).  but, it doesn't mean your life has to stop for 10 years in a row.  just a little at a time.

[Bob]

Breaks can be good.  Good long breaks.  Time to recover.  Time to think.  Time to clear your head or focus on something else for awhile.

[dnephi]

Now

[pianowolfi]

Now

No!

[ted]

The question is impossible to answer in general, Pianowolfi. It is also difficult to help somebody answer it at the personal level. A person incapable of compromise, unable to make concessions and give as well as take, is unbearable to live with and a nuisance in the workplace. However, if nobody is being hurt or inconvenienced by your aspirations, and the issue is solely between you and external circumstance, your abilities and so on, then I think tenacity is a very fine thing. "In framing an ideal we may assume what we please but should avoid impossibilities." If something is clearly not practical it often happens that another goal, equally satisfying, does lie within reach.

In my case, it took me over two decades to admit that the expression of my musical ideas in written notation, i.e. normal, orthodox composition, was just too time consuming and indeed, most times practically impossible. Once I took the step of abandoning that goal and embracing improvisation completely as the end as well as the means, things have never looked better.