Eratic Parents

[juliax]

A student (we'll call her Sarah) of mine who is very shy and in her first year of lessons told me she did not want to play keyboard in my recital.  I am preparing an ensemble recital and encorporating rhythm instruments, so I told her she could do a percussion instrument if she wanted.  I told her mother about the times for ensemble practice, and even wrote in her book "For percussion instrument."  Yesterday was our 2nd ensemble practice, and this student's dad flipped out when he saw that she had chosen the triangle to play in the recital. 

Quick background:  I teach private lessons to my private students, and I teach piano and general music at a daycare.  I only use the percussion instruments at the daycare since many of my students are 5 and under, and we do ear training, etc.  Sarah is one of the older students at the daycare, which makes her only 8.  She's had less than a year of lessons, and can barely play hands together, so giving her a solo piece is out of the question (for this particular concert) and either way, she chose not to play, I never force students to do recital. 

Continuing on, this girl's father made her cry in front of about 12 students and their parents, then tried to get angry with me about his daughter not being on the keyboard.  Keep in mind, there was absolutely no effort made beforehand to contact me and ask me about what Sarah would be playing for the recital.  He simply didn't care, then when he saw that Sarah had chosen to do something easy he had a temper tantrum.  I told him to leave and he could discuss it with me when I'm not in the middle of a class, in front of so many people.  I explained to him the concept of learning rhythm with instruments as well as piano, and learning music as a language which can be translated over any instrument.  I also offered to put Sarah in my showcase recital (which I don't usually include the daycare children, because of their age, and because I have only been at the daycare for a year and a half) but it there is a $20 for that recital.  He then yelled "I DON'T WANT ANY RECITAL!! I DON'T WANT A TRIANGLE LESSON!!  JUST TEACH HER REGULAR PIANO!!"  and I asked him if he'd ever even taken a piano lesson (since the concept of rhythm meant nothing to him) and he replied "No."  So I explained my method and told him if he didn't like it, piano is optional, and he doesn't have to put Sarah in lessons with me.  There are plenty of piano teachers, and he should look elsewhere.  (There is no way I would recommend any teachers, because noone deserves to be subjected to that kind of harassment.)  He then began screaming, so I just hung up on him. 
He called back about 30 minutes later when I was in a lesson, and I answered just because I didn't want any nasty messages.  He told me he was going to have me fired from the daycare, to which I responded "I don't work for the daycare, I am a self employed contract worker.  You can't have me fired."

So far that is all that's happened.  This is my 8th year teaching, and I have NEVER been acosted like that by a parent.  I know I have the right to choose my clients, but even though I quit teaching this guy's daughter, I will still probably see him at the daycare.  Luckily they only take kids up to 8 years old, so she won't be going there much longer, but I still think I should call the girl's mother and discuss this with her.

Has anyone else ever been screamed at or cussed out by a parent?  I don't know what to do about this whole thing.  The worst part is that the only real victim here is Sarah.  She is so shy and quiet, and she has a really bad attitude, but every once in a while, she'll come out of her shell and she's such a smart and creative girl.  I wish I could help her

[arensky]

This guy is a psycho. His actions and behavior towards you and your class are entirely out of line and innapropriate. If he had a question about your classroom management and teaching he should have addressed it to you in private in a civilized manner. You are lucky that this was witnessed by other parents, other adults have seen this guy to be the raging bully and (probably) abusive parent he is. If you see him again ignore him, do not make eye contact. If you communicate with him, you validate the existing relationship between the two of you in his eyes. If he speaks to you, politely excuse yourself without showing fear. Let him leave phone messages, don't erase them (record them if you must); they can be used against him if you need to contact the police, hope it doesn't come to that. He will probably move on to new battles, but you never know.

DO NOT CALL THE MOTHER. You will be further extending and validating the relationship. The mother is either an enabler in this situation or lives in fear of her husband. By contacting her you could put her and Sarah in danger, not to mention yourself.  I know you care about Sarah, but this situation is beyond your control.
 
People like this make us angry, because they are already angry and it's highly contagious. God knows how he was treated when he was younger, but now he's passing it on and that doesn't make it right. Of course Sarah has a bad attitude, just imagine what she goes through at home... 

You can't save everyone. It's sad but true, I'm afraid. But you can save quite a few.

[juliax]

Unfortunately, I read that post too late.  I already called the mother.  She knows my father, and he knows a lot of people in her business, and so does her husband.  I explained to her that I am not an employee of the school, I am self employed, and I have the right to choose my clients.  He then sent me an extremely long text message asking me to meet him at a coffee shop so we can discuss the situation.  I called the mother back and gave her the number to a family mediater and told her that there is no way I would be meeting anyone anywhere, but I assured her I would finish out Sarah's April lessons.  The situation is really sad.  I have met this man probably twice at the most, yet he seemed to feel comfortable unloading on me like that. 
I have always felt being upfront and open from the beginning is the best way to go, that way I don't have to back track in order to explain the situation.  He wrote in his text that "We have the right to be heard as parents!"  I made sure to tell the owners of the school that I do not want to speak to him unless they are around.  They said that was ok, so if he does try to corner me, at least I can let them talk him down. 

[pizno]

Since he is obviously mentally ill, I would talk ONLY to the mother, and tell him that.  Don't have anything more to do with him.  It is sad, but you certainly can't fix it.  It's not your fault - you were just in his path. 

Pizno

[a-sharp]

Wow - that is just sad - and kind of scary. I have spoken with some weird parents lately - but nothing like that. I would not attempt to engage in any form of conversation with this person whatsoever ... he had no right to behave that way to anyone, let alone in front of a group of children. How sad for his daughter. Why is this reminding me of the whole Alec Baldwin incident?

I do know one teacher who's student's mother was sure her daughter left her homework at her house, called and asked her [the teacher] to look for it - she said it wasn't there - the mom was SURE it must be there - so she stormed over at 9 pm and walked right into her house and started looking under the sofa etc. Of course - it wasn't there ... but - of course no apologies were offered of any kind.

So sorry you had to deal with that! and So sorry for that girl.