Making piano a priority

[m1469]

Well, I have been trying to ignore my deepest feelings about piano for awhile now.  Why ?  Because I am concerned it's not healthy.  But, you know, it means more to me than many, many things in my life.  And, just recently I have seemed to basically ruin a friendship over it because when I had to make a choice, I chose what my piano-self needed over the friendship.  And, just yesterday I actually cancelled a voice lesson (2 hours before I was scheduled to be there) because I wanted to stay home and practice piano, and I *loved* it.  And, I feel like all I want to do over the next 3 months is concentrate on piano and be completely immersed in my study and in my students ... and I want to quit voice lessons during this time while I prepare this program -- and, I don't know if I have the guts, but my piano-self might just take over completely and make me do it.

What's wrong with me ?  Honestly, I think that a lot of people DO NOT get it, and I think I have let that make me doubt my own self -- but, it's like somebody else is evidently taking over in me and making some decisions on my piano-self's behalf.  Right now I feel like I will choose piano over almost anything and anybody, if I have to make that choice.

Life is strange.

What have you given up for the piano ?  You don't have to answer that ... you can share whatever you want -- I am just feeling pretty wild at the moment.

*gets busy being immersed in music study*

[desordre]

 Dear m1469:
 I know exactly what you are talking about, because I'm preety much in the same ship.
 I work at a Univesity and a music school, and everywhere I am I just think about my piano playing, my repertory, etc. Every little second without anything else to do I use to play, and I have to focus when I'm doing something else.
 Strange enough, professionaly I'm a guitarist, the piano always was my "side" instrument. However, now it becomes harder even to play the guitar and mantain a full repertory. Really, it's difficulty to see any pleasure now in suites, sonatas, variations, and the like, up to one hour and a half of six-stringed repertory. Nothing against it, but my piano-self ( ) is taking all the spaces it can in my life.
 Perhaps it's odd, but I'm very happy with this. For years, I just could not study the piano and dedicate myself to it properly, and now it's possible. OK, the rest is suffering a bit, but I think it's just a matter of priority: piano, job, Simpsons, cooking... 
 Notice that when I did read your post I thought: what a strange life we musicians have... I'm considering the possibility of re-enter undergraduate or graduate with a piano major, in spite the fact I'm already a member of the faculty... and to be honest, if  money start to grow up in my backyard, I would consider quit my job, or reduce it drastically.
 Maybe the problem is that we have just one life, and when we figure out what we really want, we have too much to care and to evaluate. Anyway, I'm a very optimistic person, and I'm sure that I will figure out a way to match all those pieces together, as I hope you can as well.
 Best wishes!
 

[shortyshort]

Most evenings I will be watching the telly with the wife, and adverts come on.

"Just going to practice for 5 mins while the adverts are on dear."

1 hour later I'm still there. She does get annoyed.

Sometimes if I have a day off work, I'll have lots of little jobs to do around the house and stuff.

Only half of them get done.

"Sorry dear, I needed to practice."

[pianowolfi]

Well, I have been trying to ignore my deepest feelings about piano for awhile now.  Why ?  Because I am concerned it's not healthy.  But, you know, it means more to me than many, many things in my life.  And, just recently I have seemed to basically ruin a friendship over it because when I had to make a choice, I chose what my piano-self needed over the friendship.

I think it's never good to ignore this sort of deepest feelings. But I think that in your case it is mostly the fact that you have to deal with two main instruments, that makes you sometimes ignore your piano feelings. But you know, I think these "deepest feelings" are after all though healthy. The "piano self" is actually a sort of "higher self" and is in contact with the core of one's life. Of course you have to be the "conductor" who relates this self to the world and to the allday life and to your other "selves" or aspects.
As for "ruining friendships", you write "I have seemed to ruin", which lets me guess that you actually know that it was not your fault. Friends sometimes expect very unhealthy things from a pianist. For instance, I never help friends with moving ( I mean moving to another house or flat) If they don't understand that, it's not my issue after all. Or sometimes people ask me to play background music. I just refuse. Since a while I also turn down almost every request for accompanying someone, because I would definitely ruin my health with it. And whom would I help with ruining my health or ability to play?

  Honestly, I think that a lot of people DO NOT get it, and I think I have let that make me doubt my own self -- but, it's like somebody else is evidently taking over in me and making some decisions on my piano-self's behalf.  Right now I feel like I will choose piano over almost anything and anybody, if I have to make that choice.

Life is strange.

What have you given up for the piano ?

Since I read this topic in the morning I think about it. And more and more I ask myself this question in a different way: "How much of my piano self have I given up for things that were not worth it?" And, unfortunately I find a lot of such things in my life. The list is long and I can just pick out a few examples:
1. I spent 10 years doing an accompanying job (Eurythmy accompaniment at a Waldorf school) that constantly required from me to IGNORE my piano self in that I was very often supposed to play pieces VERY unmusically for the sake of enabling people to bring their (Eurythmy-) movements in sync with the music. And these Eurythmists and Eurythmy teachers have in most of the cases BY FAR not enough musical education to be able to tell a pianist how to play . In the last years of this phase I actually felt like I was permanently raping my musical self or prostitute it. This situation became just unbearable and I after all said: Whatever may come, I won't do this EVER anymore. So i quit this job, 4 years too late, in my book . Now why did I stick to this such a long time? Well it was a sort of secure income, though not much, but consistent and I was simply afraid to do the step into self employment. To get hired at a music school was impossible because there are only VERY rare such vacancies here and people like me who don't fit exactly in their requirement profile do not have very good chances
2. not enough self-esteem where it would have been appropriate
3. Too much anxiety and fear to expose myself

What's wrong with me ?

Absolutely nothing

[m1469]

Actually, these posts are somewhat comforting for me, thanks for your responses  .  I guess some of my concern has been, regarding my deepest piano feelings, that perhaps when I have dedicated my life to my piano-self before, that it was not worth it.  And, that is a point I am going to need to come to terms with as far as what makes it worth it to me.

Wolfi, your post actually made me consider this in that I wondered if there were ever a time that I have given it my "all" and regretted it ...  hmmmm ...  perhaps it's a new topic  .

And, I often would rather be studying than watching TV, for example.  But, I also realize that life takes "balance" and I don't want to just ignore all the other important things in my life and eventually drive insane and end up without any friends, without any husband, without any family ... because all I ever attended to is piano, piano, piano  .  Sometimes it seems like it could happen, but I guess I could trust myself a bit more than that.

[amelialw]

I'm in the same situation as you m1469 and somehow when I can do something else, ill still end up going back to the piano to practise for the rest of the day or when I work I'll rush to the piano when I get home. recently when my aunt's sister came for a visit, she told me to be a little careful and spend more time with other. She was so shocked that I did'nt care that I was'nt like other girls and I did'nt have a boyfriend and so on...But it's like that I guess when you decide to do something, you just have to give up some other things.

[maul]

No.

[electrodoc]

Dear m1469

Like you I have a piano self that sometimes resents having to entertain friends and family if it interes with practice time. I find that I do not always want to go out for dinner with friends, or hold long telephone conversations with family. Other activities such as keeping the garden tidy, or doing repairs to the house are not always welcome.

But, I have now reached to ripe old age of 63 and I realise that friends and family are important. I am lucky in that I have a jobe that I enjoy (non-musical) and which brings me into close contact with many interesting people. I know that I will never be a "performer" and that I play mainly for my own satisfaction. Yes, I love the sound of the piano and the tactile sense. I enjoy the challenge of getting a work up to a good level even though I dislike starting new works (the basic note learning stage).

However, life involves more than this. My wife comes first - she is my chosen companion through life. My friends deserve time because they have given freely of their friendship. Young friends (and family) need time because they sometimes seek out an impartial older person for advice and as a sounding board.

By all means love your piano and music but do not let it rule you. There is always a danger of becoming a boring person because you have no other topic of conversation or deep interests.

So how do we solve it. Weel, my solution is to have a fairly fixed routine. Work during the day (necessary for income!!!), garden at week-ends. Practice time in the evening but still time for friends, visitors and all of those other demands on life.

PS I have read many of your contributions - you sound a fascinating and thoughtful person.

[m1469]

Thanks very much, electrodoc .  You make some very good points, unfortuntely I feel myself just wanting to commit my entire everything to piano anyway -- though, okay, my head knows a little better and stops this from happening -- today is my day of not pushing too hard, I play the piano/sing/study just for fun -- tomorrow it's back to workety workety work ... and I lovety lovety love it !!

[ted]

In the end it is a choice, like many things in life. Other people can choose as they see fit and it is not my place to pronounce moral, or even artistic judgement one way or the other.

I guess that I am probably luckier than many in that I do not really need enormous lumps of time at the piano in order to feel that I am getting somewhere with music. I know that whenever I work at my music I shall be very happy. However, I do not want to reach the state wherein unless I am working at my music I shall be unhappy. There is a subtle but important difference; happiness is not a matter of linear proportion. Because one man can mow a lawn in half an hour it does not follow that a million men can mow it in a fraction of a second. Because I attained wonderful internal contentment and pleasure by creating music for two hours yesterday it does not follow that spending all day at it would have resulted in a state of hilarious ecstasy and personal insight.

So I do not need to invoke thoughts about relationships and moral values in order to decide the issue anyway. I can do everything I want to do in an hour or two a day, probably a lot less. Simple reasoning precludes any sense in a monomanic devotion to music. To put it crudely, musical effort and return are not related by laws of linear proportion concerning time - for me -  my creative process is too serendipitous and unpredictable. Now for other people they might be; I don't presume to know what runs through other people's minds.

Of course the fact that I have technique far above any level I am ever likely to require for creative purposes, the fact that I don't really care about learning very many pieces by other people, the fact that I am supremely indifferent to the economic and social consequences of my music - these facts probably render my comments too facile to be of much use. Someone who doesn't understand why a problem even exists can be more of a menace than anything else if he tries to advise about its solution.

[overscore]

The lucky ones among us have a purpose and meaning to their life. Why would you want to ignore something that millions of people desperately search for and often never find?

If you feel you were meant to play piano, then play it. Personally I resent anything that interferes with my practice... I tell people I play four hours a day and they look at me like, 'Oh how awful for you.' They just don't get that someone could love something so much they they want to devote all their spare time to it.

If you were spending all your time watching football, or collecting stamps or something... that would be sick. But music is Art. There's nothing higher you can aspire to.