The Problem Game/Agony Aunts

[amanfang]

Change the rule so that Pianistimo can continue to post 37 consecutive story contributions. 


My penguin is dirty.  How can I clean him up?

[pianistimo]

use a permanent marker and just color the other half of him black.  he'll look clean anyways.

i am confused about the supposed octave glissandos in the waldstein.  how can i just forget about this and move on. 

[jlh]

Realize that 'glissando' is Italian for 'fake it', and don't worry about it.

It's my birthday today and I don't know what I want to do to celebrate.  Any ideas?

[pianistimo]

try one of those new blizzard cakes at dairy queen!

i cannot take friendly's ice-cream.  what should i do?

[mad_max2024]

Be bitter and obnoxious and demand people give you unfriendly ice cream

The heat in this room is unbearable

[chidi]

Leave and take an hour swim in the arctic.

I have a severe stomach ache.

[amanfang]

Have it surgically removed. 


I'm out of Vanilla Coke.  What should I do?

[pianistimo]

make some of your own with some vanilla and coke.

i exchanged a couple of pairs of my son's pants for a larger size and they both cost $30. more.  how can this be?  it was only one size larger.  what should i do?

[chidi]

Sue whoever sold them to you. It's only reasonable thing to do.


I have a five inch nail. How do I get rid of it?

[jlh]

Wait until it grows 4 more inches and then sue (I'm assuming that's what you meant by sew in your post?) Nine Inch Nails (NIN) for royalties.

I don't have enough time to get everything done that needs to be done.  What can I do about this?

[chidi]

Buy more time from your local time store.


I need to get a present for a friend but I don't know what to get.

[jlh]

Get them a "special box" and cut a hole in it............ 

I have 2 days to find a new place to live and move.  Where do I start?

[amanfang]

A cardboard box downtown.  It's cheap. 


The coffee shop gave me a cup of regular instead of decaf, and now I have to go to bed.  What should I do?

[chidi]

Go to the store and ravage all their regulars to teach them a lesson. They'll think twice next time.


I have two burritos and my friend's asking for one. However, I'm very hungry and not in the mood for sharing. What do you suggest I do? 

[pianistimo]

eat a bite out of each one really fast.  then, slobber on them for good measure.

i ordered a thai chicken wrap yesterday and no tortillas came.  all i had was a quarter head of lettuce.  i had to request the tortillas as i didn't think pieces of chicken would stay wrapped inside iceberg lettuce very long.  especially when dipped.  what to do?  also, if ever i must make-do with lettuce - is there some special kind of procedure one does to wrap the chicken?  it was falling apart when i did it.  how can you keep a piece of lettuce together?

btw, i love the taste of thai food and the sauces were terrific.  the lettuce was the only problem.

[sharon_f]

I would staple it together or use duck tape or barbed wire.

I have a coffee stain on my favorite bluse. How would you remove the stain?

[ted]

Carefully cut out an area slightly larger than the stain and then cover the hole with a big sticking plaster.

A large spider has spun a web across our back door and visitors are becoming entangled in it. What should I do ?

[rc]

Only make them come in through the back door if you don't like them.  Spiders are our friends.

I've been evicted by the new owners of this house (true).  How do I get my revenge?

[chidi]

Murder them.


I have too many crickets around my house making noise? How can I rid of them?

[pianistimo]

turn off the lights.

my children do not throw away garbage sometimes (ie ink cartridges, fast food wrappers, candy wrappers, straws, plastic, cups).  what can i do to get them to clean up their own messes?

[jlh]

Stick their noses in the messes like one does a dog's nose to their indoor messes.  That will train them to be more thoughtful.

My car keeps getting bird droppings on it.  How do I stop this from happening?

[ted]

Birds are afraid of cats, so if you cover your car with cat turds the birds will realise that cats are present and go somewhere else.

Every morning, when I go out to get the paper, a large amorphous person in tweed trousers and brogues appears from behind the camellia bush and makes indecent suggestions. Do you think I should carry them out or not ?

[sharon_f]

Always, always follow through on any suggestions made by an amorphous person who appears from behind a camellia bush!

I have so many books I don't know where to store them.

[pianistimo]

Buy more.

I am upping the 'cultural revolution' between myself and Marik -  where can i find some tanks?

[chidi]

Find Osama bin Laden and ask him, he should know.


How can I control the weather? It's too hot here.

[amanfang]

Throw ice at the sun to stop global warming.


I'm waiting on friends to show up for dinner.  How can I make them hurry up?

[pianistimo]

start eating it. 

a friend of a friend has a tumor on his stomach and spleen.  should he do what the doctors says and have his stomach removed.  how will he eat after that?  do they have replacement stomach's?  what to do?  should he do what the doc says and have it removed or will fasting shrink the tumor naturally?  (sorry to ask a serious questioN)

[sharon_f]

buzzkill 

[pianistimo]

sorry!  just wondering.  they replace hearts.  why not stomachs?  are stomach's irreplaceable?

what should i do when my japanese beetle trap is full?

[jlh]

Buy more Japanese Beetle traps from China.

Why is my cherry hardwood digital piano so heavy?  What can I do to make it lighter?

[thalberg]

They have roll-up keyboards at Target.  Buy one of those instead.

A guy that I know is getting married and his fiance doesn't know what a jerk he is (tried to cheat on her before the wedding).  What should I do?

[pianistimo]

hire a private detective to get some photos of him and then wait for the part of the wedding ceremony that says 'does anyone know of any reason these two should not be united in holy matrimony?'  let the private dectective stand up and speak.  this alleviates your doing it yourself.

how can i go places and not use much gasoline?  aside from the bike (which doesn't work on rainy days?)

[jlh]

Push your car.

Someone deliberately broke something valuable of mine.  How do I get revenge?

[chidi]

Poke his/her eyes with a needle 10 times.


I have lot my trust with my friend. 

[pianistimo]

become really friendly with his mother and then tell her some made up health related problem of your friend's that you thought you should pass along.  heart murmer, whatever.  she'll be calling him 10x a day. 

i want to have a career in music and just practice the piano all day.  thal says i need a job. this is my job.  practicing.  is there a hotel that will pay me to practice all day?  what should i do?

[soliloquy]

You should buy a hotel to practice in; it's the only economically feasible idea.  Otherwise you'll never be able to make money as a career pianist.



I have to poop but someone's in the bathroom   What do I do?!?

[pianistimo]

keep knocking on the door and say 'hurry up!'

i want to do 10 different things (besides buying a hotel) for a job.  is it possible to work this way?  a little piano practice in the morning, a bit of designing someone's kitchen, dining, living room, or bedroom in the late morning.  a bit of painting at noon.  a bit of sewing early afternoon.  and possibly painting birds on tiles in mid-afternoon.  and concerts every evening with a bit of poetry and/or book reading.  how can i find this dream job?

oh.  and i want to paint mailboxes, too.  everyone here in pa makes a fuss over their mailbox.