The Problem Game/Agony Aunts

[sharon_f]

Just take it to the nearest lake and submerge it. It will always stay filled that way!

I'm having difficulty sleeping at night. Any suggestions?

[wotgoplunk]

Tape your eyes open.

My electricity bills are too high, what do I do?

[pianistimo]

become amish.

i logged off for more than five minutes - but keep having to check pianoforum site for new information.  what can i do to curb this redundancy?

[amanfang]

Pluck out your eyes.


I am sick but am flying to Chicago next week to present a research project at a conference.  How can I feel better before then?

[rc]

I am sick but am flying to Chicago next week to present a research project at a conference.  How can I feel better before then?

Sometime before you go to Chicago, get a few friends together and play a game of frisbee in a field by the lake until the sun goes down.  Then eat a sandwich.  You will feel pretty good after this.

The other day a kid came to my door with irrefutable evidence that he's my son...  What do I do about this?

[chidi]

Shoot 'em.

I have a negative in my bank account, what do I do now?

[thalberg]

Cover it with glass so it won't evaporate.  Then you won't have to fill it.

I have trouble making decisions.  What should  I do?

[rc]

Cover it with glass so it won't evaporate.  Then you won't have to fill it.

I have trouble making decisions.  What should  I do?

Follow the leader!

I shot my illegitimate son and now the police are knocking on the front door...  What should I say?

[thalberg]

Blame it on someone else.  No sense going to jail!

I am a bad sightreader.  How do I improve?

[ted]

Cease shoplifting and telling lies. Give lots of money to charity and help old ladies across streets. You will then be a good sightreader instead of a bad one.

My wife will not allow the woman next door to enter the house while I am exercising in my jock-strap. What should I do ?

[sharon_f]

Stop exercising and remove the jock strap. Just sit around and watch TV in the nude. I'm sure your wife won't object having the neighbor over.

My neighbors keep me up all night partying.

[cmg]

Send Ted next door in his jockstrap.  That'll break up any party.


My libido has gone to Barbados.  What do I do now?

[thalberg]

Find something else to do!  Life isn't about sex.  (bad advice, remember)


My boss wants me to relocate for work, and I don't want to.  What do I do?

[cmg]

Enter into a bigamous marriage with pianistimo and spend your life in divorce court.

A hooker comes up to me and says, "I'll do anythng you want for 50 bucks."  What do I say?

[thalberg]

"Here's 50 bucks.  Go jump in front of a bus."

People keep staring at me and I can't figure out why.  What do I do?

[pianistimo]

smile and wave.

all the dolls that my daughter has have gotten terrible haircuts.  how can i keep this from happening again and again?

[thalberg]

Give her spiderman dolls.

I feel anxious.  How can I calm down?

[pianistimo]

post more and more on pianoforum.
(seriously, could it be the suggestion from your boss for a relocation?)

what's the worst that can happen with the stock market?

[chidi]

Nothing.


I have a dead cat in front of me. How do I dispose of it?

[thalberg]

Curl it up in front of your neighbor's front door like it's sleeping.


I don't know how to use microsoft office.  How can I learn?

[pianistimo]

call up bill gross and ask him to explain it.

someone keeps eating my favorite yoghurt and leaving the flavor i don't like.  what should i do?

[thalberg]

Eat the one you don't like.  They're all the same.


Nothing good is on television.  What should I do?

[cmg]

Start some rumors identifying neighborhood cross-dressers.

Where's the "sin" in sincere?  Where's the "fun" in funeral??

[thalberg]

All sin comes from the heart.  All funeals serve food.

I want to meet Martha Argerich.  What do I do?

[chidi]

Kidnap her.


I want a time machine. How do I acquire one?

[cmg]

25,000 boxtops from Big Whoopee FunFlakes cereal.  (Plus postage and handling).

What's that thing in my sock drawer?

[chidi]

Your ex-girlfriend.

What is the thing underneath my bed?

[rc]

It's a rope used to wakeboard.  Your friend Jim used it last, when he biffed it hard into a patch of cattails.  Along with a few gallons of water, the head of a cattail lodged in his nose, he couldn't afford the surgery to remove it so now he walks around with a cattail growing from his nose.  He's become something of a local celebrity.  While waiting for the bus kids stare but are afraid to come near.  Poor Jim.

My kitchen stinks, it's so awful the neighbours complain.  How do I rememdy this awful curse?

[thalberg]

Move to a new house.




I just can't get my Godowsky/Chopin etudes up to tempo.  What do I do?

[mad_max2024]

Play them out of tempo and claim that it is your interpretation of the piece and not a mistake

My head hurts

[rc]

Loosen the vice that's clamped to it.

I'm hungry but don't want to cook anything, where should I go to eat?

[thalberg]

McDonald's.

(if that isn't bad advice, I don't know what is)

I've seen all the Friends episodes too many times and I'm sick of them.  What should I do?

[cmg]

Read Sophocles, take a page from Oedipus and pluck out your eyes.  Bye, bye "Friends."

Teh cable guy never showed up.  What should I do?

[thalberg]

Call 911 and complain. 

(People call 911 for all sorts of hilarious reasons these days......like "um, where can I get rid of my Christmas tree?)


I want my mom to cook pork chops for me and she won't.  What do I do?

[wotgoplunk]

Throw out all the other food in the house. Then she'll have to make them.

I need to get to China to give a presentation, but I missed my plane. What do I do?

[thalbergmad]

Get the slow boat to China.

My Aunt wants me over for dinner tomorrow, but i don't want to go. What should i do?

Thal

[pianistimo]

tell her you'd be delighted to come and then show up with several farm animals.

mascara makes my eyes itch.  what should i do?

[wotgoplunk]

Apply aloe vera every 5 minutes.

I burned my hand from a cup of hot coffee from McDonalds, but they refuse to settle. How do I fleece as much money out of them as possible?

[pianistimo]

when you order your next cup - grab the employees hand and force him to pour the coffee on you.  then, the spill will be the employees fault.  just an idea.  hey. wait --this is agony aunt speaking.  hmmm.  don't do anything about it.  in fact, consider it a lesson for eating at mcdonald's.

i am fed up with people comparing my backyard lawn to a moonscape.  what should i do?

[cmg]

Move to Venus.

I want to kill the cable guy.  How should I do it?

[pianistimo]

cross-dress and then have a friend pretend to come home early and catch you in the room with the cable guy.  wait. this is agony aunt.  again - i must refrain from attempting to fix the problem and try to make it worse.  tell him that you watched larry the cable guy and found that he looks a lot like larry.

my five year old knows more spanish than i do.  what should i do?

[cmg]

Sell her off into white slavery somewhere in Micronesia where she'll have to learn some obscure dialect just to send postcards to you.

I found in rat in my blender.  What should I do?

[wotgoplunk]

Make a nice rat smoothie 

My piano is broken, and I have a concert in half an hour. What do I do?

[pianistimo]

no matter the jokes - i simply cannot bring myself to say - 'blend it.'  i would carefully dump the rat outside to procreate.  putting many blenders in the kitchen for future hiding places when they come back inside. 

my husband occasionally loses his eyeglass cases and then asks me where i think they are.  what should i do?

*about the broken piano.  break it some more.  in fact, just use it as a way to 'warm-up.'  break some strings on purpose.

[cmg]

Make a nice rat smoothie 

My piano is broken, and I have a concert in half an hour. What do I do?

Phone it in.

My rat smoothie tastes like chicken.  What should I do?

[cmg]

my husband occasionally loses his eyeglass cases and then asks me where i think they are.  what should i do?

Check the blender.

My rat misplaces his wallet and asks where it is.  What should I do?

[rc]

Tell your rat you last saw it in the closet.  The messy closet that everyone's been avoiding for years.  Rat will go out of his mind searching in there, and will have to clean the closet before he realizes it's not actually there.  That will solve your messy closet problem!

My only friends are rats and scoundrels, they always eat my food and wreck my stuff.  I want them to go away but I don't want to be mean about it.  What's a nice way of telling someone to **** off?

[cmg]

While smiling sweetly and offering a plate of freshly-baked brownies, simply say "**** off, bozo."

My rat's into internet porn.  What should a concerned pet-keeper do?

[wotgoplunk]

Introduce supervised internet periods for your rat. Or get parental controls.

My snail was eaten by a rat. Is there a way for me to retrieve him?

[thalberg]

Slice open the rat.

Not enough people will participate in my story threads.  What do I do?