Greatest jokes ever

[elevateme_returns]

i need some good ones. anyone willing to share?

[wotgoplunk]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

[ramseytheii]

A pretty young blonde, let us call her Stacey, appears on a million-dollar game show.  All her perky blonde friends come along to sit in the audience.  Stacey somehow makes it to the final round; the announcer says, "All right Stacey, the last question, worth a million dollars: what is 2 + 2?" 

Stacey thinks for a second, tosses her vibrant blonde hair, and says, "2 plus 2 is 5!"  The announcer says, "Are you sure about that Stacey?" "Oh yeah," she replies.  The announcer begins to say, "I'm so sorry!  The correct answer-" when Stacey's friends interrupt in rhythmic cheers, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"

The announcer, moved to pity, asks again, "Stacey, we will give you another chance.  For a million dollars, what is 2 + 2?"

Stacey thinks for a second, adjusts her bra, and says, "2 plus 2 must be 3."  The announcer: "I'm so sorry, Stacey-"

"GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"

What can he do in the face of such robust protest?  "All right Stacey: the final time: for a million dollars: what is 2 + 2?"

"4?"

"GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"






Walter Ramsey

[jlh]

Two blondes are walking down the road when one says, "Look at that dog with one eye!"

The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, "Where?"

[thalberg]

A man's neighbor stops by to ask for a favor.  He explains he'll be vacationing in Mexico for a few weeks, and that his mother is at his house taking care of his cat.  "Would you be so kind as to look in on them every couple of days?" he asks.  "No problem," the man replies.

So, the neighbor calls from Mexico a few days later.  "How's my cat?"  The response: "well, you're cat's dead."  Then neighbor says, "Oh that's awful!!  How could you just tell me like that all at once with no preparation or anything.  You could have at least told me the cat is on the roof, then that the cat fell off the roof, then that you took it to the vet.....you didn't have to be so insensitive!"  So the man apologizes and resolves to be more sensitive next time.  Then the neighbor asks, "How's my mother?"  The neighbor replies, "Well.....she's up on the roof...."

[lichristine]

what do you call a sheep with all it's legs cut off?

A cloud!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[opus10no2]

pianistimo

[prometheus]

I don't like straightforward 'jokes'. What I do like:
https://video.google.nl/videoplay?docid=-4267856870762913584&q=george+carlin+duration%3Along&total=34&start=0&num=10&so=0&type=search&plindex=8

[thalbergmad]

A nun dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter says to her, "I'm sure you've lead a virtuous life, Sister, but before I can let you into heaven, you must answer one question. What," asks St. Peter,"were Eve's first words when she saw Adam?"

"Boy," says the nun, "that's a hard one."

"That's right!" says St. Peter, come on in.

[wotgoplunk]

I'd have to say this one takes the cake for religious jokes:

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!''

Or this one: Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.

At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At last they're finally together."

A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me Father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"

"I mean her legs!"

[jlh]

I don't like straightforward 'jokes'. What I do like:
https://video.google.nl/videoplay?docid=-4267856870762913584&q=george+carlin+duration%3Along&total=34&start=0&num=10&so=0&type=search&plindex=8

I did the lights for a George Carlin show awhile back... and got to both meet him and have him sign his 8x10 for me as well...

[minor9th]

These two drunken bums are walking through an alley and see a mangy dog licking its balls. One says, "I wish I could do that." The other replies, "You better pet him first--he might bite."

[jakev2.0]

A nun dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter says to her, "I'm sure you've lead a virtuous life, Sister, but before I can let you into heaven, you must answer one question. What," asks St. Peter,"were Eve's first words when she saw Adam?"

"Boy," says the nun, "that's a hard one."

"That's right!" says St. Peter, come on in.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. 10/10. 

[schubertiad]

Two antennae met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

[gerry]

Fellow walks into a bar and sits down next to another guy. The other guy has his hand flat on the counter but after a while brings it up in front of him and pokes it a few times with his other hand and puts it to his ear and talks - puts it back down on the counter for a while then repeats this. This goes on a few times until the fellow next to him asks him what he's doing. Guy says, "I talk on on my cell phone so much I had my doctor embed the electronics in my hand to make it easier." They sit for a while then the guy goes to the bathroom - he's gone a long time so the fellow goes in to see if he's all right. He finds the guy leaning against the wall with a long roll of toilet paper streaming out of his ass. "What are you doing the fellow asks?" "Oh just waiting for a fax!"

[pianolearner]

Man walks into a bar, sits down at the bar, orders a drink and says:

Man: I have a new blonde joke for you

Bartender: Before you tell it, I better let you know that our new barmaid is 6 ft tall, athletic and trained in martial arts, she has blonde hair. The man sitting to your left has just got out of prison for assault and battery, he has blonde hair. The man to your right is a Royal Marine trained in all unarmed combat, he has blonde hair too. As for myself, I am an ex heavyweight boxer, although I have no hair left now, it used to be blonde. Now, do you still want to tell your blonde joke?

Man: No, I don't want to have to explain it 5 times.

[retrouvailles]

What do you call the American soldier who accidentally shot Anton Webern dead?

A serial killer!

[thalbergmad]

I thought thats what you called a soldier who shot his breakfast.

Thal

[elevateme_returns]

Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up a bus?

She burnt her lips on the exhaust pipe.

[retrouvailles]

I thought thats what you called a soldier who shot his breakfast.

Haha, you obviously didn't get it.

[soliloquy]

It's a beautiful sunday evening and the sun is just beginning to set, and after having been drinking all day, three young Irishmen begin their walk back home from the bar.  As they're walking along, they come across a sheep stuck in a fence with its hind legs sticking out into the sidewalk.  The first inately drunk Irishman says "I wish that was Cindy Crawford."  They all laugh a bit, and the second Irishman chimes in with "I wish that was Nicole Kidman!"  They all give another chuckle, and the third Irishman, having had a head start on the drinking looks up at the dimming evening sky for a moment before saying "I wish it was darker."

[themockingbird]

Heyy, far too many blonde jokes in this thread!

Not really a joke per se, but I like Bill Bailey's talk about sirens:

https://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=yfh5K7ywzVg

no jokes spring to mind at the moment, that's just the first thing I thought of!

[clhiospzitn]

Q: Why was the rooster so mad?

A: Because the only time he'd gotten laid was by his mother.

[elspeth]

 A violist in an orchestra was crying and screaming at the oboe player sitting directly behind him. The conductor asked, "What are you so upset about?"

The violist replied "The oboist reached over and turned one of the pegs on my viola and now it's all out of tune!"

The conductor asked "Don't you think you're overreacting?"

The violist replied "I'm not overreacting! He won't tell me which one!"

[rob47]

A man walks into a Chinese restaurant but is told by the Maitre'd that there will be at least a twenty minute wait.
"Would you like to wait in the bar, Sir?", he says.
The man goes into the bar and the bartender says, "What'll it be?"
The man replies, "Give me a Stoli with a twist."
The bartender pauses for a few seconds, then smiles and says, "Once upon time, there were FOUR little peegs . . . "

[retrouvailles]

Haha, that's awful, but clever. Here is one in a similar spirit:

One day it was decided to build a bridge from Europe to America. The U.N. set up three representatives to design and build it. One American, one German and one Chinese. After a month the U.N. leader came to check out the progress. He say the American and German sitting on the ground and asks what they're doing. They tell him the design is finished, but they're waiting for the Chinaman with the supplies. The U.N. leader walks around looking for the Chinaman. When he turns the corner he is startled when the Chinaman jumps out from behind a rock yelling, "Supplies! Supplies!"

[chopininov]

"Knock Knock"
"Who's there?"
"Ach"
"Ach who?"
"Bless you!"

[pianogeek_cz]

"Knock knock." - "Who's there?"
"Knock knock." - "Who's there?"
"Knock knock." - "Who's there?"
Phillip Glass.

[clhiospzitn]

Once there was this man named Gus who decided that he wanted to have his wife killed, so he hired a hit man to do it.   He called one and they set up a meeting to discuss the plan together. 

When the hit man arrived, he said: "Hi, Gus.  My name is Arthur."

Gus shook his hand and said: "Hi, Arthur."

"You can just call me Arti for short." the hit man said.  "Now, do you know where your wife is going to be this afternoon?"

"Yeah.  She's going shopping in a little while - she goes to this grocery store called Pay 'N' Save."

"Alright.  I'll follow her there and take care of her for you.  But it's gonna cost $10,000 for my services."

"Wow, well, I don't have that kind of money right now.  I can get it to you later, though, I swear."

"Well, I'm gonna need some kind of payment.  How much money do you have in your wallet?"

"Only $1.  But you can have it for now; I'll come up with the rest later, I promise."

"Alright, that'll have to do for now."

So Arthur took the dollar and went to the Pay 'N' Save to wait for Gus' wife.  He finally saw her arrive and walk inside.  He waited outside for her for over an hour, but she still didn't come out.  He had another appointment to get to soon and didn't want to waste any more time, so he decided to go inside and take care of the job as soon as possible.

He saw Gus' wife standing by herself in the produce department, so he snuck up and strangled her to death.  The produce manager happened to see all of this, so Arthur strangled him too before he could call for help.  Of course, all of this was caught on camera, and Arthur was quickly arrested. The cops made him tell them of his plan.

In the newspaper the next day the title of the front-page article said:  "Arti chokes 2 for $1 at the Pay 'N' Save"

[ahinton]

Morton Feldman: The Life in my Viola...

Best,

Alistair

[thalbergmad]

Morton Feldman: The Life in my Viola...

Err thanks, that is really funny.

Thal

[ahinton]

Err thanks, that is really funny.

Thal

It might be more so to some that know the real title than it evidently is to you; the piece itself, however, is - I openly admit - far from funny.

OK, here's another, in the form of a conversation between yourself and someone else:

Thal:       What actually happened to Pianistimo?
Not Thal: Er - Saint Kilda...

Best,

Alistair

[thalbergmad]

You are on form tonight hinty.

I am cracking up.

Thal

[ahinton]

You are on form tonight hinty.

And what are you on, Thal?

I am cracking up.

...which admission might suggest that you are NOT on form (or maybe it might not); anyway, do try supergluing yourself together again, for tomorrow is another mad Thalbergian day...

Best,

Alistair

[pianochick93]

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.
 
 A couple of days later, the town drunk was walking through the
 cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where
 Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest
 to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and
 heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.
 
 Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
 
 When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave,
 listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's
 Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
 
 He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth
 Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the
 magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth...
 the Fifth..."
 
 Suddenly the realisation of what was happening dawned on the
 magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crowd that had
 gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to
 worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

One concerning old people:
Three old men were sitting on a bench in the park. One pipes up "Its windy today isn't it"
The second one replies "No it isn't, it's Thrusday"
The third one says...:Me too, lets go to the pub for a drink"

Another one:
Two drunks were going through a draveyard, trying to find the oldest person buried there. They search for about an hour, until one shouts out "Hye look, here's a guy that died when he was 145!"
"really, what was his name?" The other one said.
"He was Miles, from Dublin."

[lisztisforkids]

What do you find under a horny toad?
-A happy toad

  There's a Irishman, a Mexican and blonde man all working on a highrise skyscraper. At lunch the Irishman looks in his lunch and finds boiled cabbage and proclaims 'Cabbage again!, if I get cabbage one more time I think I'll jump to my death. The Mexican looks in is lunch and says 'enchiladas again! If I have to eat another enchilada I think I'll jump to my death. the blonde looks in his lunch and finds baloney and decrees 'baloney! If I get baloney one more time I'll jump to my death.

 The next day the Mexican opens his lunch and finds enchiladas in his lunch so he jumps to his death. The Irishman finds cabage in his, so he jumps to his death. The blonde finds baloney again, so he also jumps to his death. At the funeral of the three workers, the Irsihman's wife is weeping hysterically and screaming 'ohh why couldent I have just made him some stew instead!'.  The Mexicans wife is weeping and moaning 'If I only made burritos for him at least once!'. Everybody stops and looks at the blonde mans wife who isnt saying anything at all. 'Dont look at me' she says, 'he makes his own lunch'.

[bob3.1415926]

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the microwave until its bill withers.

[chopininov]

A guy walks into a bar.

[wotgoplunk]

A guy walks into a bar.

Two tuba players walk past a bar...well, it could happen!!

[m1469]

What is the majority of cow-hyde used for ?

(Am I supposed to provide the answer already ?)

[thalberg]

(Yes, m1469.)

Why should you always take at least 2 Baptists fishing? 

Because if you take one he'll drink all your beer.  If you take two they won't drink any.

[wotgoplunk]

What is the majority of cow-hyde used for ?

(Am I supposed to provide the answer already ?)

Inhumanely slaughtered for leather? 

[m1469]

Inhumanely slaughtered for leather? 

The majority of cow-hyde is used to hold cows together  (thanks for playing ).

[ahinton]

Two tuba players walk past a bar...well, it could happen!!

Not in England, it couldn't!...

Best,

Alistair

[clhiospzitn]

Q: What do you call a conceited blood vessel?
A: A vain vein.

Q: What do you call a spun globe?
A: A whirled world.

Q: What do you call an apology from an Indian cloth garment?
A: A sari sorry.

[indutrial]

How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist's car?
   
Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.

[gerry]

...uh could we make that an accordianist's car

[pianochick93]

or a drummer's/electric guitarist's...

[gerry]

Maybe we should make that a "pianost's" car since according to this forum, many of us aren't making enough money and need that second job (or maybe it would be the only job)

[pianochick93]

So, Two dyslexics walk into a bra...