Pianist, teacher to Op. 10/2, dies at 87

[cmg]

Leona Helmsley, known to the world as the "Queen of Mean," died today in Greenwich, CT.

While most famous as a wealthy real estate developer and tycoon, Ms. Helmsley also taught piano briefly, but stopped abruptly after producing the "genius" known to the world as "Opus 10, No. 2."

"What more could I do after I sent that piano-rapist into the world?" she said, just hours before she died.  "No one, and I mean NO ONE, had the ability to make a piano sound like twelve cats trapped in two layers of panty hose and dipped into boiling water.  No one!  His Chopin even gave me a headache, and believe me that's saying something."

Ms. Helmsley was involved in a protacted legal battle just last year, suing ten major music conservatories in the US, for refusing to admit "Opus" to their curriculum.  All ten conservatories enlisted The Patriot Act in rejecting him.  Eastman officials claimed acceptance of "Opus" would be "tantamount to accepting Osama bin Laden."

Steinway & Sons joined in the suit two months later.  "Pianos," a spokesman for the firm said, "are not intended to be raped by gorillas."  The spokesman went on to say that "Opus's" so-called virtuosic technique, however, would not even qualify as "gerbil-raping," but they were, in any case, opposed to sexual viiolence of any kind towards their instruments.

Ms. Helmsley -- who famously in 1997 had a metronome implanted in her chest in the spot where her heart never was -- said in her last hours that "Opus" would have had a place there himself, but she "couldn't have been bothered."

"What can I say?," she said.  "He just got on my nerves.  My wish is that he'll get on yours, too."

Ms. Helmsley left orders banning any funeral services.  Save one:  A YouTube reprise of "Opus's" infamous rendition of Chopin's Etude Ops. 25, No. 12, wherein Chopin's famed creation is rendered asunder.

She said she wanted a choir to shout "Go to hell!" at the performance's end.

https://www.cnn.com/2007/US/08/20/helmsley.obit/index.html   

[bench warmer]

 

You left out her infamous quote in your epitaph of her,

"We never play slow, only little people play slow"

[pianistimo]

it's not nice to make fun of people after they're dead, cmg.  although, i heard someone say that the world would be better if martha stewart had remained in jail.  i think it was christopher o'reilly on 'from the top.'  i was shocked to hear such a mean thing from him.  he is usually so charming and gentlemanly.  he must never know how many women he alienated.  including the 13 year old violinist who appeared on her show once.  but, then they go into a funny creative thing about decorating violin cases and how she decorated one for her mentor. 

now, hopefully you have not inflicted too much psychological damage on opus10#2.  really, he's not that bad.  i mean - it would be much worse if he was teaching right now (just kidding opus10#2).  you're really not that bad.  usually. 

[ahinton]

Well, I'll certainly know where to come when I want my own obituary penned; the trouble is that I'll then be dead, so it'll be abit late to ask. I wonder if I should therefore put arrangements in place now?

Best,

Alistair

[ahinton]

it's not nice to make fun of people after they're dead, cmg.  although, i heard someone say that the world would be better if martha stewart had remained in jail.

Unless it's all abit different in USA, my assumption would be that there's rather a large difference between being dead and being detained in jail...

Best,

Alistair

[soliloquy]

Oooh I want to do Alistair's obituary.



Wait that came out sort of bad =/

[ahinton]

Oooh I want to do Alistair's obituary.



Wait that came out sort of bad =/

It could be read that way, but let me hasten to assure you that I didn't do so! No, many obituaries are written well in advance and then updated as time goes by, so that they can be published as soon as possible after the obituee's (is there such a word?) demise; one can never tell when one's time will be up, of coruse, but I've no particular plans to shuffle off my mortal coil yet (not that I even know where that coil is, as it happens, though no doubt Susan will soon pitch in to tell me - she's already gone far beyond any obituarial matters and issued instructions about my resurrection, or something, as you may have noticed)...

But even if you wanted to do my obituary, you'd need to know at least as much as an obituary writer needs to know about his/her subject, so...

Best,

Alistair

[cmg]

I have an excellent idea:  I think that Soliloquy should approach the subject of Alistair Hinton as a proposed doctoral dissertation or, perhaps, a masters level Lecture/Recital.  I'd be pleased to serve as consulting editor.  If the result has the lamentable effect of sending Mr. Hinton prematurely to His Maker, then -- voila! -- the treatise may serve as an obituary.

Our hope, of course, would be to open the floodgates of critical and popular approval of the Hinton catalogue and not to force the untimely expiration of an esteemed composer.

(I think my prose is actually becoming a little Hintonian!  Pray for me, pianistimo . . . )

p.s. @benchwarmer:  "Only the little people play slow."  I'm ashamed I didn't think of that myself.

[pianistimo]

this is more interesting than practicing schubert's sonata in A major.  at least there can be some corrections made by alistair mid-lecture.  maybe he'll stand up and say 'no, no, no - that's not so.'  push soliloquy out of the way and then wait for a minute (sniffing nasal inhalers to gain more oxygen).  in the meantime - one of us can shuffle the pages on the desk really quick. 

sorry, alistair - really - i'd prefer to hear the lecture from you.  in fact, you could start a thread and include little exerpts of your music (so we don't have to buy anything) and explain a bit about your composition style.  it's not our fault if we are poor and don't want to risk buying music we don't understand.

and, say - can you get jonathan powell to come to the lecture and just interject a bit of chopin at times?

when i first met alistair (over the internet) - i was struck by how much he really does know about composers, composition, sorabji in particular, and of course, giving very little bits of his composition secrets out one at a time.  one of his big secrets is to make things impossibly long.  it just impresses people more.  i mean - john cage may have gotten away with 4'33'' - but not alistair.  that would be four hours and 33 minutes.  a review noted that sorabji would also produce compositions by the 'truckload.'  one composition in particular, the OC, lasting 5 hours by itself alone.

the grosse fugue would have competition in any music analyzing class with alistairs compostitions.  as i learned - to analyze these types of music - one should start in the middle and work your way out to both ends simultaneously.  thereby eliminating untold hours of missing the important three measure climax.  find the loudest or softest middle section - with an obvious register change and instrumental change - and voila - climax.

now, though it is true that i have, as yet - not seen one work of alistair's - i will presume several things.  t'would be easy to get stuck in a multitude of places in his works - thereby destroying the work's unity completely and destorying the sanity of the performer if a perfectionist.  as i see it- one must be able to improvise at a moments notice and keep on going as though no imperfection had happened at all - and then, persuade alistair to change that particular measure in the score before a CD was released. 

with the exception, perhaps, of ms. herman - his superb soprano wacko who actually sings the notes as written.  there are many secrets hidden in the sorabji archive.  if anyone would know of them - this beautiful psychotic soprano would.

[ahinton]

this is more interesting than practicing schubert's sonata in A major.  at least there can be some corrections made by alistair mid-lecture.  maybe he'll stand up and say 'no, no, no - that's not so.'  push soliloquy out of the way and then wait for a minute (sniffing nasal inhalers to gain more oxygen).  in the meantime - one of us can shuffle the pages on the desk really quick. 

sorry, alistair - really - i'd prefer to hear the lecture from you.  in fact, you could start a thread and include little exerpts of your music (so we don't have to buy anything) and explain a bit about your composition style.  it's not our fault if we are poor and don't want to risk buying music we don't understand.

Thank you for the kind invitation, Susan, but I really do prefer that people listen to my work in their own time in their own ways at their own convenience and make up their own minds withough be talked at by the composer! Then if anyone wants to raise any questions afterwards, they're welcome and I'll try my best to answer them. Also, I am not a lecturer by inclination!

and, say - can you get jonathan powell to come to the lecture and just interject a bit of chopin at times?

Jonathan cannot be expected to give of his service for free, you know! He's not recorded any of my work commercially yet but, when he does, the CD/s will be out there and I hope that people can in any case get opportunities to listen to him performing my piano music from time to time.

one of his big secrets is to make things impossibly long.  it just impresses people more.  i mean - john cage may have gotten away with 4'33'' - but not alistair.  that would be four hours and 33 minutes.

Er - actually, no. The length of a work needs to be right for it, whether it be a few hours or a few seconds. I have just one work that is, by usual standards, very long - my string quintet (at 2 hours 50 minutes), one piano work (which Jonathan premièred last year and which plays for 90 minutes) and three other works that come in at between 45 and 60 minutes, but everything else is of perfectly "normal" duration. The proper purpose of great durations is, in any case, not merely to "impress" - which they wouldn't on their own anyway; in fact, the longer a piece is, the more vitally important it is to try to ensure that there are no longueurs.

a review noted that sorabji would also produce compositions by the 'truckload.'  one composition in particular, the OC, lasting 5 hours by itself alone.

It's actually between 4 hours 15 and 4 hours 30...

now, though it is true that i have, as yet - not seen one work of alistair's - i will presume several things.  t'would be easy to get stuck in a multitude of places in his works - thereby destroying the work's unity completely and destorying the sanity of the performer if a perfectionist.  as i see it- one must be able to improvise at a moments notice and keep on going as though no imperfection had happened at all - and then, persuade alistair to change that particular measure before a CD was released. 

with the exception, perhaps, of ms. herman - his superb soprano wacko who actually sings the notes as written.

Who is Ms Herman? And what or who is a "wacko"?...

Best,

Alistair

[pianistimo]

herman ?  farnum?  whatever (slight dyslexia shows up today). 

anyways - she doubles as a clown on her off days.  it keeps her 'in voice' and travelling at the same time.  she actually met sorabji at a party where she stratified her voice as a party trick - breaking glass. 

[ahinton]

herman ?  farnum?  whatever (slight dyslexia shows up today). 

anyways - she doubles as a clown on her off days.  it keeps her 'in voice' and travelling at the same time.  she actually met sorabji at a party where she stratified her voice as a party trick - breaking glass. 

Elizabeth Farnum has recorded Sorabji's songs for soprano. She has never sung anything of mine. I doubt very much that your next statement is true and I know perfectly well that the last one isn't. What are you talking about, Susan?

Best,

Alistair

[thalberg]

cmg, LOL at your original post.  Absolutely hilarious.  I think you could make a living as a humorist.