Mother pushing the kids too hard. Please help.

[thaicheow]

Hi, all,

I have currently teaching a young 7-year-old boy. Before me, he has just finished an ABRSM practical exam in grade 3, where he gets a good pass of 117 points.

However, the mother did make fuss on the 3-more-point-to-get-the-merit stuff, and instantaneously she asks me to move on to grade 4.

So, yesterday I sit down and have a talk to her, asking her why is the reason to rush the kids. Of course some strange reasons are given.

You see,  the mother currently is taking grade 6 under my friend. She has another 8yr old son, who is also doing the grade 6 syllabus as the mother  . Both of them are aiming for upcoming march practical exam. (I am not teaching the elder son, so I have no idea how good he is.)

I suggest the mother to let the younger son to take one year off from exam (actually I am thinking of 2 year off), which I think would have quite turned off to her. Later she wrote me a long email, citing several reasons on her approach to her sons:

Firstly, she cited financial concern. As she reasoned out if she can speed the sons, finishing the exam as quick as possible (her ideda of "finishing" is by passing the grade , she could have save a handsome money. Moreover,  she is just a housewife, and her husband is working in a church related organization (means, not so well off).

Secondly, as she stated her elder is very talented, she doesn't want the younger to have too much gap in between them. That's why she wants the younger to sort of chase up with his brother.

Of course, she mentionsa lot more (it is a loong email).

Frankly, I personally feel very sorry to the kids. As I strongly believe in setting long term goals. There is my concern on the physical developement, the mental stress the kids may be facing. I cited that when you plant a tree, you simply gotto wait for the tree to grow.

in fact,  I have been mentally prepared for the worst case scenario, which she just change the son to another teacher. By the way, how can I put forward my message without hurting the mother?

Will appreciate to hear some advice frrom you guys, ,thanks

[pianistimo]

you might make your own list of requirements that are different than just the final exam requirements and show that he is unable to meet these - in a kind way.  a just-between-parent-and-teacher meeting.   perhaps the mother will realize she's putting too much pressure on the final results and less of an idea of what the true goal is.  to play the piano well.  i think she wants that goal - but doesn't realize how to achieve it.  once she lets him off the hook for competition with his brother - things will go well.  good idea to have 2 different teachers, actually!  in fact, if his brother is starting to specialize in one composer - i'd have your student play things that are totally different and unique to him.  not a 'follow your brother 1-2-3.'

in fact, as you mentioned - you could pull out of these exams for 1-2 years and make your own exams (which would SAVE her money and help her son feel less pressure).  your exams could be more or less the same type of exams - but simply on a less pressure basis.  i did this with some of my own students many years ago.  i just made up a test and they'd take it at the end of the year.  i was in the room and if they needed some cues or reminder about something - i'd give it.  it wasn't high pressure.  also, right away after the test - we went through it together and discussed.  typically - there's no time to do this with 100 kids taking exams.  they don't know what questions they got wrong or right until a week later - and by then - may have forgotten some of the motivations behind the questions.  immediate response from testing is really helpful, imo. 

low key CAN produce good results.  i think the mother is skeptical of this.  maybe you should tell her that to take lessons with you means that she will have to trust you for the next year that you have the best interests of her son in mind and do not plan to hold him back in any way.  he would be free to move forward without comparison to his older brother.

[hyrst]

In your email, I didn't see a clear picture why you don't want the boy to move on.  But, I am not familiar withthe ABRSM grading system, so I am not sure what is meant by the mark.

Like Pianistimo recommended, I think you need to clearly work out a list of reasons why you don't want to move the child on - for your own sake and the family's.  You need to know for sure that you are not just reacting to what you are observing to be a pushy mother. 
Is the child happy?
Is the child wanting to do the practice?
What does the family wish to be able to do by learning piano?
How valuable is a good base in music to meet thier goals, compared to scraping through the grades?
How do their goals differ to your values, and are you willing to work with that?
Can you list the general knowledge, technical, reading, interpretative, etc skills that are needed to be developed?  How are these best met?  IS it possible to begin studies on the next grade and still cover the foundations you need in these areas?  (Remember, you are the one with the authority to say when the exam entry time comes that the student is not ready to enter.)

Remove yoruself from the situation as much as possible - define your principles objectively.  Make sure you are not just reacting as well - then explain why you are making a particular stand.

Above all, how is the child coping with these expectations?  What does he want to do?  If the mother is generally pushy, you can't change her and you need to think about it you will work like this.  If she is just enthusaistic and hopeful, maybe she will give your way if she can see you know what you are doing and are willing to work with her wishes.  If she is simply enthusiastic and ignorant, maybe a very knowledgeable explanantion will  get through to her.  Maybe you can also show that you are working towards her goal, but you want him to do more than learn pieces for exams because most kids who do that end up not being able to play the piano for fun or in church or anything other than for exams!

If the kid is in a pushy home, nothing you do will change that environment.  If the mother is concerned about money, than you need to show her why your approach is worth her money in meeting the end result she actually wants for her child. 

Is she worried that the youngest son might feel like he is inadequate compared to the older, or is she hoping that he is also talented?

As far as age and maturity, there are two things to consider - the boy will be 9 when he sits for the next exam, if he is ready in a year - and there is a big difference between kids when they are 8 and 9 - a year really matters.

As far as generally being too young, I don't think that is necessarily the case.  I think it is an individual thing.  I have a little student who is exceptional.  She is only 5, nearly turning 6, and has been learning for a year.  She is very talented, and can sight-read accurately, but with little interpretation, many of the pieces in Bach's book for Anna Magdalena.  She loves the sound of music and the movement, and practices very consistently.  (I sometimes worry that she is taking on too much for her age and I don't want her to be burnt out, but she is so proud of herself and always has big smiles when she plays pieces for me.) 

Anyway, a couple of weeks ago I would have said that I didn't think a child that age had the maturity to really bring passion out of music.  She had mostly just been following the dynamic markings that were written, without much subtlety.  I showed the girl and her mother what some of the pieces would sound like if they were given full expression, but I didn't expect her to be able to do it.  A week later, she wanted to play Chanson (from the Faber Adventure books, 4).  She played it with such passion and beauty it brought tears to my eyes.  Now, I know that a child of 5 can play with heart and understanding!

Annah 

[thaicheow]

Thanks a lot for your efforts to reply. I really appreciate a lot.

I decide to just take it easy. In fact, after much thinking, I don't feel like to reply the mother's email instantaneously. Let me take sometime to explain to the mother little by little.

Because as I reason out, I don't think the mother will appreciate, nor accept any suggestion at the moment. She is still very new to piano playing. As my friend who is currently couching her also mention about she pushing herself too fast, and struggling thru' most of her grade 6 pieces.

Anyway, that's out of my concern, at this moment. I will just take my time with the kid, and try my best to explain to the mother little by little. As I have stated my intention not to touch exam pieces with her son until the mid of next year. I predict she herself will still go ahead teaching her own sons the pieces in the grade she desire them to do, and may register them for the exam, even without my consensus. The worst case scenario, she just change to other teacher (that's what the kids have gone thru'. B4 me, the kids have changed a handful of teachers. No specific reasons given. I just wonder why.).

The kid is smart and cute. Anyway, I suppose we are having some good time doing music together. I am doing nuresery theme with him, of course, with more demanding arrangement. He seems to enjoy this stuff more than classical numbers. After all, he is just a kid.
 

[nyonyo]

I do not have time reading all long posts. But let me guess, is the mom Chinese from Taiwan?
They drove me crazy....

[dora96]

I am facing the same dilemma, I am piano teacher, I have been teaching my 8 year old daughter to play the piano for three years. She like to play the piano for leisure. However, I like her to learn properly and correctly. To cut long story short, mother and daughter end up arguing, crying, screening etc.... I even got her Russian  piano teacher this year and hope that professional and independent person will encourage to do better. She has a piano lesson 30 minutes each week from the teacher. Of course the teacher teaches her exactly the same thing, note reading, counting, and expression etc. I think the key to play the paino " properly as classical" is very demanding hard work espcially for little kids. Nowsadays kids just don't like hard work, they like to face trial,  they don't like sitting down for long, don't like practicing, counting tempo,  don't pay attention for detail. Honestly I don't want to call the pushy mother, if kids can establish good practice habit. it is so much easy for future. The high level they are, the more demanding and harder it gets. I just feel sad sometimes, you want to give the best to your kid, but in fact it has the opposite affect. I like to give music to my kids,  it is wonderful hobby, fruit to the soul, immortal and eternal gift apart from God. 

[mcgillcomposer]

May I suggest lamaze?

[thaicheow]

I am facing the same dilemma, I am piano teacher, I have been teaching my 8 year old daughter to play the piano for three years. She like to play the piano for leisure. However, I like her to learn properly and correctly. To cut long story short, mother and daughter end up arguing, crying, screening etc.... I even got her Russian  piano teacher this year and hope that professional and independent person will encourage to do better. She has a piano lesson 30 minutes each week from the teacher. Of course the teacher teaches her exactly the same thing, note reading, counting, and expression etc. I think the key to play the paino " properly as classical" is very demanding hard work espcially for little kids. Nowsadays kids just don't like hard work, they like to face trial,  they don't like sitting down for long, don't like practicing, counting tempo,  don't pay attention for detail. Honestly I don't want to call the pushy mother, if kids can establish good practice habit. it is so much easy for future. The high level they are, the more demanding and harder it gets. I just feel sad sometimes, you want to give the best to your kid, but in fact it has the opposite affect. I like to give music to my kids,  it is wonderful hobby, fruit to the soul, immortal and eternal gift apart from God. 

Hi,
Glad to hear your story.

Most of the time, I do share the same feeling as you have gone through. Basically, I try to coax my students into playing the thing I think is important to them, like scales, hanon, czerny; which some of them detest VERY much.

Most of the time, during the lesson, I can get them to play those stuff. But that day I encounter a young teenage boy, who not only refused to do all whatever I ask, but also quarrel with me. So I cancel the whole lesson. I suppose teens at his age are rebellious.

Yeah, not only kids, most of my students, including adults, like to play funky, splashy, and so call "fun" pieces. Most don't even take czerny excercise as "songs", which I try hard to rectify these misconception.

I use a lot of alternatives in coaxing them to do tecnical stuff, like using diagrammes to teach scales, divide czerny excercise into smaller chunks, playing the hanon/scales in various styles, rhythm etc.

Sometimes, if there is time after the lesson, I purposely stay a bit longer (I teach by travelling to my students houses) and play thru' the pieces, or excercise that I have taught. Not to show off, but rather showing them that czerny, scales, even hanon, can be interesting if you play them well. Most of my students, including the parents would be very surprise and relish the music better.

Anyway, back to this mother, I think there is no need to bother any more. Bcoz she has finally decided to stop from me, as some dispute between us. I realise that there is no faith from her in my teaching (she questioning why I do "jingle bell" with her son, and demand to see the exam results of my other students, which is of course rejected), and she is getting more and more demanding. I have a dispute with her since she comment that the exam songs I assigned to her son seems easy, which is not the case. I started the little prelude in F by Bach with her son, and there is already great problems for the kid to execute the notes. Yeah, I should have not argued with a client, especially this is not my private student. But I just couldn't take it, as I feel that she has had so much misunderstanding against me and take it for granted in whatever I have done for her son. If she is my private client, I would have asked her off, or just ask her to teach her son herself. Also, she keeps boosting that how well she has taught her sons.

That's life, I suppose.

[dan101]

Pushing a child at home or in a lesson creates resentment and will most likely lead to the child's quitting musical studies. I've experienced student's parents who push their kids too hard at home. What ultimately happens is that the children shut down with respect to further musical education. This usually occurs in the teen years.

I would suggest telling the parent that pushing the children will make playing an instrument a painful experience when the child becomes an adult. The flooding memories of nagging and taunting will make the "child turned to adult" pursue other non-musical recreational activities, even if they were , at some point, proficient in piano playing.

Good luck.