A bit of a moral dilemma

[pianochick93]

My boyfriend and I both play piano, we both play the same styles of music, and we both like the same composers. Lately we have both wanted to learn the same pieces. We gave it a try, and I think both of us, though we didn't admit it to the other, felt like the other one played the piece better than them, so they got a bit low on self esteem. We decided to learn different piano pieces, (kinda an unspoken desicion), and some of the pieces he plays are beautiful. I would like to learn them but I don't want to kinda up stage him, if he thinks that I am better than him (I doubt it)

Today he said to me "can you send me a copy of x", the piece I am learning and have full confidence in my ability to play it. He also did the same for another piece, which I will never be able to learn because it is just too hard at the moment (Rach's prelude in G minor 23:5)

I am worried that the same thing will happen again, and it will cause a minor conflict. Last time we both wanted to play the same piece for a school assessment and I think the conflict arose because we didn't want to be compared.

Having said that we like the same style of music, our tastes still vary, he likes faster, more exciting pieces, and I like mostly slow, beautiful and melodic pieces. Our styles cross though, which is what happened in this case.

I am debating whether to send him the pieces he asked for, or say something like "I would prefer it if we learnt different pieces from each other, at least until one of us has fully learnt something."

Opinions please? I don't feel comfortable asking any of my other friends, as they don't really understand the kind of "thinking the other one is better and then feeling pressured" thing we have.

Thanks a lot.

[bluepuri]

the problem is you compare yourself with him. Once you stop comparing and see from different point of view, your feeling will be a lot better. Nobody is the same. So why you need to compare yourself with others?

While still learning, you can't refuse to study certain piece. That's because as a student, you have to experience a lot of style, including the ones you don't like, before you can finally decide what's best for you. This not-wanting-to-play-the-same-piece will hamper your own study.

Having said that we like the same style of music, our tastes still vary, he likes faster, more exciting pieces, and I like mostly slow, beautiful and melodic pieces. Our styles cross though, which is what happened in this case.

with this condition, I'm sure his and your interpretation of the piece will be different. Thus, you can learn what kind of difference can be made and not to mention you can both discuss it together.

Still, if you don't feel comfortable playing the same piece with him, try to postpone sending him the score until you mastered the piece. At least, you both aren't studying the same piece at the same time.

[richard black]

I'm a pianist married to a pianist, so we have this kind of problem a lot. Luckily we are very different by training, temperament and indeed physique, so we've learned just to concentrate on the differences between us. It's a _lot_ less stressful than comparing similarities!

[bluepuri]

I'm a pianist married to a pianist

wow cool!!!

[georgethemusicalme]

You're just going to have to work something out. Instead of 'competing' why don't you try a duet instead? It would be good fun - trust me i know. and if you both like the same sorts of music then you'll have no problem choosing a piece you both like!
ps. if you choose a piece that's not too hard - like Mozarts piano sonata for 4 hands in D major. Then you'll find you have a wild time - and your hands will be scarily close *you get the hint?*

[pianochick93]

Bluepuri, I see where you are coming from. The thing is that he never stays in the room in music class to hear me play, so my subconcious says that I must not be good enough for him to want to hear, my logical brain squashes that idea, but it hangs around like a bad smell...

I also see what you mean about the interpretation. I will keep that in mind, thanks.

George - I have tried hinting t a duet, but he isn't good at picking up hints
I should probably suggest it outright.

[bluepuri]

The thing is that he never stays in the room in music class to hear me play, so my subconcious says that I must not be good enough for him to want to hear, my logical brain squashes that idea, but it hangs around like a bad smell...

that's just your assumption. He may not actually think like that. It's not good for yourself. If you can't banish that thoughts completely, try to talk to him. After you hear things from him, at least you are no longer making assumption.

[ksnmohan]

The two basic rules in making any decision (in your present case, sending your boyfriend a copy of "x") are

1) The decision should be least painful to the person who is most important under the circumstances - in your case, is your boyfriend the most important person in your life - more than YOUR SELF - at this moment? Is your relationship with him beyond just music? How much love and emotional attachment do you have for him? - if this is high enough, then you will not at all feel jealous  if he is going to play "x" well (whether better or worse than you is something for others to judge - your judgment will tend to be biased!)

2) Avoid conflicts - in today's world there are enough of them and you need not add one more!

And please think,  if you are not going to send the copy to him, he will any way get hold of a copy from somewhere else - if he is so serious about the piece.

So if I were you, I will readily send him the copy of "x" - not at all an earthshaking matter, considering that we are after all "passing by" for an eye wink of time span in the billions of years of the Universe.

Prof Narayanan
Madras, India

[pianochick93]

Thanks a lot everyone, especially ksnmohan. You have helped me reach my desicion.

I will wait until I have played the piece at my end of year piano recital, and then I will give it to him. That way I will move on to the Chopin piece that my teacher is currently learning and performing at the concert, I can't remember which one, and we will not have the "performing the same thing at the same time" problem.

[ksnmohan]

So happy to read that you have been able to resolve your "conflict" = and I really admire the "depth" and "diplomacy" of your decision.....in a way it reminded me of the wise King Solomon's many stories of solving conflicts.

After I sent my last mail, I looked up for your personal details and found that you are just 14! I immediately felt sorry (and also a bit ashamed of myself) for having sent a rather highly "philosophical"message to a young person  of your age. But now, on reading the way in which you have decided to sort out the problem, I must say that you are really wise far beyond for your age.

My student Amba (also 14) is also learning the piano and is appearing this Nov/Dec for the 5th Grade Piano exams of the London Trinity Music School.  We live  in Madras in  South India but Amba although of Indian parentage, is an American Citizen, having born in the US.

Recently we went on a 8 concert tour of Germany in May/June this year, in which, apart from the classical piano pieces, Amba played my "cross over compositions" (piano over a  -1 Track CD orchestral accompaniment). It was fun!

I would like to know more about your Chopin piece.  It is  sheer coincidence that Chopin  was buried on this very date (30th October) in 1849. As per his dying wish, his heart was removed and  taken by his sister in an urn to Warsaw - Chopin was part Polish and loved his country very much. "There it remains sealed within a pillar of the Holy Cross Church (Kościół Świętego Krzyża) on Krakowskie Przedmieście, beneath an inscription from Matthew VI:21: "For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also." (Wikipedia)

More about the funeral, also from Wikipedia = "Chopin had requested that Mozart's Requiem be sung at his funeral. The Requiem has major parts for female singers, but the Church of the Madeleine in Paris had never permitted female singers in its choir. The funeral was delayed almost two weeks until the church relented, provided the female singers remained behind a black velvet curtain.

The funeral was attended by nearly three thousand people. The soloists in the Requiem included the bass Luigi Lablache, who had sung the same work at the funeral of Beethoven and had also sung at the funeral of Vincenzo Bellini (and this is from me - the famous Italian Opera composer  - Norma, I Puritani etc -  made famous by Maria Callas).

Also played were Chopin's preludes no. 4 in E minor and no. 6 in B minor."

Let us be in touch!

Warm personal regards and may Music carry you throughout!

Prof Mohan Narayanan
Madras/India

[thalberg]

Bluepuri, I see where you are coming from. The thing is that he never stays in the room in music class to hear me play, so my subconcious says that I must not be good enough for him to want to hear, my logical brain squashes that idea, but it hangs around like a bad smell....

As a man, I can tell you for sure this is not the case.  I'd like to hear my girlfriend play no matter how she sounded.  He's either doing it for one of two reasons--he thinks you'd feel more comfortable without him here and he's trying to be courteous, or in worst case, he thinks you're better than he and doesn't want to do that to his ego that day.

[pianochick93]

Ok, I can see him doing both of those things. I know he preferrs to no be listened to, so perhaps he assumes the same for me.

Thanks.