Sick of dealing with parents who nickle and dime!!

[RGPianoMusic]

This post may reflect more venting than anything else but in all honesty, I am absolutely sick of most of the parent I am dealing with and the odd thing is, I just CAN'T escape these types of people.  First of all, I live an a very busy area where all the parents want a teacher who will come to the house.  Fine.  I have no problem with that and have been doing that for years.  All I ask them, is to give me a 15 minute leeway between appointments in case I hit traffic (this causes me to run a bit late).  One of the major problems I am having, is that after I have completed the lesson and I need to get going, they want me *or expect me* to hang around explaining the lesson that I just taught so that they know what to listen for *since most of them have little to know musical experience*.  When I try to explain that I have a tight schedule and can be reached by phone after teaching hours, I am constantly being told that doing this is not "professional".  Funny.  I didn't know that being busy was not professional but maybe I'm slow.  The other major problem, is that people are CONSTANTLY trying to nickle and dime me.  For example, I teach lessons in increments of 30 min., 45 min, and 1 hour *approximatey* and I have rates for each (as do all of you as well I would imagine).  Well, lets say that the lesson went for 25 min instead of 30.   Many of the parents want me to charge say $5 less for this but if I go over the time, say 35 min, I don't ever see an offer to pay me more.  I think this is absolutely ridiculous and I'd like to know if any of you have been confronted with this.  I also deal with a similar situation where if I have a student being taught for 1 hour, if I stop 56 or 57 min through the hour, the parent wants to know why I stopped 3 min early.  I just can't believe that people are that uptight that they are going to complain about this.  1st, I don't charge extra for the travel.  2nd, I often give discounts for more than 1 student in the house, and 3rd, I sometimes (actually many times) go over the set "time frame" and I don't charge for this, especially if it's just 5 or 10 minutes.  On top of that, my students make progress that would make any parent happy.  Last, but not least, I get many parents who want to sit there and tell me how I need to be teaching their kid when they have absolutely zero musical experience.  I'm just so fed up I feel like it's hopeless.  The people in my area are the absolute worst when it comes to these matters.  I ask my other teacher friends if they have this kind of trouble and most of them say no.  I'm really nice, really respectful and I give these people MUCH more than they pay for.  What do I need to do to be taken seriously because playing since the age of 3, graduating Juliard, winning 3 major international competitions, and placing in countless others has not helped me at all.  I am managing to keep all my students in the midsts of all this and in fact, I have never lost a student other than having them move.  I'm just tired of being treated this way.  You might ask if I have said anything to my students parents.  Yes, I have.  It doesn't do any good.  They have some nickle and dime comback for everything that I say.  It seems like it's time to write an official policy that stipulates the areas I am having disagreement with because I can't go on like this anymore.  You all would also probably laugh if I told you what I am charging because I am sure that most of you are way above this.  When I used to bring up what I originally charged, I would get responses like, "It's only lessons for a child" or, "he's not going to be the next Bach", or "that's too expensive for only a half-hour".  Well, that price was only $30 for a half-hour that I got such a complaint for.  I can understand if I was not very good or did not have a name for myself but I do and I am so I just can't figure out what the problem is.  School is first, sports is second, having fun and playing with friends is 3rd and music is a close 4th around here.  And I'm in Northern New Jersey where this shouldn't be the case but it is.  Any suggestions would be appreciated but it seems hopeless on my end.  Sure, I can continue teaching like I am running a half-way house but I can't deal with it anymore.  the fact is, my students makunbelievable progress and they have a lot of fun.  The parents just don't think this is important enough to make it a priority and after interviewing hundreds of people, it seems to be a trends around here.  I can go on and on so I will stop now.  Sorry for the long post.  I guess Im more of a performer/true teacher than a buisness man

Rich

[Jenny Lynn]

Hey,
I was reading your posting and thinking how much it sounds like some problems that I have, and then I see you're in North NJ, same as me!  Where abouts are you?  My favorite is when I get the feeling these parents think that I just sit around all day waiting for their kid to show up- as if our lesson time is merely a suggestion!  It's nice to know other teachers in the area.. talk to you later.
Jenny

[bernhard]

When I first started teaching I encountered many of these problems. Eventually I eliminated them by changing myself. Basically I was too nice. I was always trying to accomodate student's ridiculous demands. Then , like you seem to be expereincing right now, I reached a point where I simply had enough. So I did an ironclad policy (this means that although I may change the policy from time to time, I will stick to it no matter what).

Now my attitude is like that: there is a policy, and I follow it. If a parent comes with some request, we look at the policy and see what it says. Of course, I wrote the policy, and in principle I can do whatever I want. But unles syou are firm on this, you will end up doing what everyone else wants.

No one is forced to have lessons with me. they receive my policy well in advance, and have plenty of time to decide if they like it or not. But once we start lessons, the policy rules.

I suggest you do the same.

Amongst other things, my policy has the following important points (you do not need to follow this, it is just an example):

1. I do not do "lessons", I do "courses", so people are not paying for individual lessons, but for a course that includes lesson preparation time.

2. Payment is per month, not per lesson.

3. There are no holidays or cancellations. If the student misses a lesson, payment is still due. I may try to compensate a lesson, but I cannot gurantee it.

4. Payment is in advance (you would not believe how this completely elliminated cancellations).

You get the idea.

Another interesting thing that you mentioned were parents tyring to tell you how to teach their children , I love when this happens! I just stop the lesson and spend the rest of the lesson lecturing the parent how their ideas are outdated/wrong/inefficient/ inapropriate/pedagogically disproven. I then proceed to show them my own ideas. Believe me, it takes only one of my "lectures" to discourage them form doing it again

My advice to you is: increase you prices (people fo not value what they do not pay dearly for), decrease the number of students, get rid of the useless ones, invest on the talented ones. People judge teachers by their students, so it does not reflect well on you to have students that cannot paly well. No one will ever believe it is their fault for not listening to you and not practising. It is always the teacher who gets the blame.

I wish you luck,

Best wishes,
Bernhard.

P.S. have a holiday too!

[RGPianoMusic]

Hi Jenny and Bernhard,

First, Hi Jenny (I wrote to you Bernhard below).  I live in Dumont.  I would like to teach more out of my house but I have too many people that want me to come to them.  I have no problem with this but it often causes me to run late.  Frankly, people are sick of my constant lack of puntuality but what they don't realize, is that part of it is the traffic, but most of it is the student's parent(s) keeping me from getting to my next appointment but doing any of the following:

1. Waiting until I am ready to walk out the door to write a check or search for cash only to realize that they left their wallet or purse in the car and have to go outside and search for it.

2. They want to discuss the next appointment or a change in schedule when I need to run out the door

3. They want me to go over the material from the lesson so that they know what to listen for when their child is practicing

4.  Sometimes, out of the blue, they'll say something along the lines of "Please give Johnny an extra 10 minutes, you left 5 minutes early last time.  

Either those situations makes me run late or I end up waiting for students to come to the piano when I arrive at the house.  I may wait 10 min for them to come down from doing homework and then the parent expects an extra 10 min in the lesson to compensate for the time it took their child to get to the piano.  Absolutely ridiculous.  I am completely fed up with it and I am taking action immediately.  What part of NJ are you from?

Hi Bernhard,

All great suggestions.  I just have a couple of follow-up questions for you if you don't mind.  You seem like you really have things together.  maybe you could give me some specific advice *if possible* on some situations here.  

1. Do you have any suggestions how to deal with people that want to nickle and dime on every single minute weather it's stopping 1-3 minute early, or arriving to their house 5-15 minutes late (traffic and getting out of the previous student's house on time are the primary factors there?

2. I don't know how effective you are at avoiding canceling on your students but I do perform quite a bit, I also play the organ in 2 churches and play for cocktail hours at weddings and parties during the week and on weekends.  Inevitably, I am going to miss lessons now and again.  I always give 24 hours notice and always provide a make-up time but I get such attitude when it comes to this.  They make me feel like they want to be further compensated or something.  So, if I did something along the lines of asking parents to pay for missed lessons or cancelations, I think they might think it's a double standard that I am canceling on them with no penatly and then if they cancel, they still have to pay.  I would get the argument that their time is just as important as mine.  I can see it as if it's already happened lol.  So, maybe knowing that I do have to cancel every now and again may change what I can or can't ask for in return.  Do you ask for payment weather they give you advanced notice or not?  I also find it interesting that you don't offer holidays as well.  So, you ask for payment from people who's lesson falls on Christmas, Thanksgiving, or Hanuka (spelling?)

3. I also notice that the excuses that some of these parents make for their kids about not practicing or why they are not making progress is truely stunning.  They always find a way to put the blame on the material I have given them or say "he's not having fun anymore" even if the piece is something they wanted really bad.  How do you deal with situations where the student is just not practcing?  I try working on their schedules to help them fit in the practice in the least possible painful way, I tell them to practice in smaller increments throughout the day.  I tell them to practice in smaller groups instead of always trying to play straight through the pieces because it will save them time and help them get better quicker.  I try moving to an easier piece or to a piece they have wanted to play for a long time.  None of these suggestions help if the student has it in his/her mind that he/she is just not going to practice.  Then of course the parent comes to me looking for me to provide motivation after I have done all of these things.  I even arrive to a students house only to have a note and a whole lesson plan already layed out for me.  Do you like that one lol?  Well, as unbelievable as it may seem, that's what I am dealing with.  I am also dealing with 10-15 highly ADHD children and of course the parents have absolutely no clue that their kid is off the wall or has a problem.  They always say "Johnny is very special" or "he'll grow out of it".  Some of these kids can't sit through 10 min of a 30 min lesson.  So, these bright parents book the kid for 1 hour so that MAYBE they'll get a good 20-30 mintes out of the lesson.  That's just another thing that drives me crazy.  I'm just not having any fun teaching anymore because these parents expect me to do all the work, and somehow get them beterr without practicing more than 10-15 minutes per day.  That's insane.  Sorry for the long post again lol.  I'm done.  Thanks again

Rich

[schnabels_grandson]

I have a few humble suggestions.  

1.  Don't go to your students home.  I'm sure you have realized it, but you are spending time in transit to where they live, time that could be otherwise scheduled to teach and thus make more $.  Plus you are paying for gas, which is getting to be extremely expensive.  If your students come to your house, their parents can no longer blame you for or expect you to take responsibility for time lost.  I'm willing to bet that if you did this, you would be able to free up time and eliminate the nessecity to cancel on your students.  

2.  Bernhard's policy idea is great.  One thing you might add:  a clear statement that explains that not all lessons will require an exact period of time and that sometimes the lesson may finish a few minutes early or a few minutes late.  Such variables will not affect the rate of the lesson.

3.  In your policy, you may state that you have neither the time nor the interest to teach students that are unwilling to learn and put forth effort.  You may suggest or demand that the parents encourage their kids and make sure that they get the amount of practice that you specify.

4.  Another policy suggestion:  (This is assuming that you implement suggestion no.1)  You have a very busy performance and teaching schedule and because of this, you cannot gaurantee that you will be able to reschedule a lesson if it is missed.  This serves to further ensure the regularity of your students attendance.  

My teacher charges for four lessons in advance every month.  Even though there are some months with five weeks, the payment remains the same.  This will even out when you take Christmas or Easter off or whatever.  

My teacher's policy reads this way: "By initiating your appointment, you are in effect buying a specific time each week reserved for you only.  No one else can enroll in that time."
If parents or students debate you requiring advance payment, ask them if they have ever been able to have an item or a service without paying for it first or putting up collateral.  Do they live in their house or apartment for a month and then pay rent?  Do they take food from the store, eat it, then pay later?  No.  

I hope this helps at least a little.

[bernhard]

Do you have any suggestions how to deal with people that want to nickle and dime on every single minute weather it's stopping 1-3 minute early, or arriving to their house 5-15 minutes late (traffic and getting out of the previous student's house on time are the primary factors there?

I have to agree with 6th gen Beethoven here. You should gradually transfer all your students to your house/studio. When I first started teaching, and did not have many students, I used to go to their houses. But soon this became completely impractical. With 45 students, plus performances on the side I wonder how you manage! Also, being often late does not look good (I am not criticising you, I completely sympathise with your predicament, but this is how human nature works). The only alternative I can see is for you to allow 30 minutes in between students. That is, instead of having students at 4:00, 5;00 and 6:00 pm , you have the times: 3:00 – 4:00, next student 4:30 – 5:30, and next 6:00 – 7:00 (assuming one hour lessons).

Finally, for people who nickel and dime: nickel and dime them yourself – this knife cuts both ways. This will only work if you are teaching from home though: have no tolerance or leeway for lateness, and dispatch the student the moment the hour is over. That is, the lesson starts at 4:00 and finishes at 5:00. If the student arrives at 4:10, that is it, s/he gets 50 minutes lesson.

I don't know how effective you are at avoiding canceling on your students but I do perform quite a bit

Yes, I do not have this problem since I am not a professional performer. And you may find this unbelievable, but I have never cancelled a lesson. But even if I had too, my approach would still be the same for a very simple reason: my students are not paying for a lesson, they are paying for a course, for a whole package, of which the lesson is just the most visible component. Hidden components include:

1.      Time spent preparing the lesson.
2.      Time spent practising and learning the pieces the little Mozarts want to learn.
3.      Time spent preparing teaching material (for instance, if a student is learning a four voice piece, they get a score split in four voices to facilitate analysis. They get CDs of the pieces they are learning played by different pianists. I make videos of them at regular intervals – these videos have to be copied, etc.)
4.      Time spent doing research (investigating new repertory, finding out aoubt thepieces, etc.)
5.      Time practising.
6.      Time spent writing reports.
7.      Time spent ordering and getting the music for the students.
8.      Time spent on the administration of my teaching business.

Moreover, when a student begins studying with me, s/he is occupying a time slot that I cannot fill with anyone else if they do not appear.

So I make no exception to this rule, and I do not feel bad at all about it. I will however go out of my way to replace a missed lesson.

When I started I did not have this rule. People abused it. The result: I started resenting certain students and their parents. This is not good. It a teacher starts resenting some of his students, his effectiveness as a teacher goes down the hill quickly.

Do you ask for payment weather they give you advanced notice or not?  I also find it interesting that you don't offer holidays as well.  So, you ask for payment from people who's lesson falls on Christmas, Thanksgiving, or Hanuka (spelling?)

Yes, there are no holiday breaks. Consider a private school. Do the parents pay only when the students go to the school? No, they pay a hefty fee every month, rain or shine, holiday or term time. I am the same. When these parents go on holiday to the Bahamas, do they stop receiving their salaries? You bet they don’t and they would be indignant if their employer suggested that they should be paid only when they turn up for work.

As I said, sometimes cancellations are inevitable, but the way to deal with a cancellation is to replace the lesson, not to avoid payment. If you do not have to pay for a cancelled lesson that becomes a big incentive to cancel, even when there is no need to.

Now sometimes I had students that would be travelling for three months and could not come to lessons. In such a case, I will release them from their obligations, but there is a catch: I cannot guarantee that they will have that time slot available when they return. They may have to enter the waiting list again.

. I also notice that the excuses that some of these parents make for their kids about not practicing or why they are not making progress is truely stunning.  They always find a way to put the blame on the material I have given them or say "he's not having fun anymore" even if the piece is something they wanted really bad.  How do you deal with situations where the student is just not practcing?

This is the main reason why I changed to my current way of teaching (lessons everyday). If a student is not practising, he goes back to lessons everyday. Since they (students and parents) both hate that, as soon as this possibility is mentioned everyone starts practising like crazy. I am not part of the fun brigade (except for a very early age group – say 3 – 6 year olds). I will not take a student if him/herself is not already strongly motivated (that is, if the parents wants the child to learn , but the child does not want to contemplate the idea – I will offer to teach the parent instead). I will however go out of my way to encourage and try to kindle the enthusiasm of the student. But a seed must already be there.

I hope this helps (but a holiday would help you more! )

Best wishes,
Bernhard.

[bizgirl]

I also think you should have an additional fee on top of your basic lesson fee for traveling to students' homes.  If parents don't like the traveling fee they can come to your home.

One of my early teachers required the parents of a young student to sit in on the lesson and take notes.  This would solve the problem of having parents spend extra time at the end of a lesson asking what to listen for.  You would probably get a lot of complaints about this one too, but if you stated in your studio policy that a parent needs to sit in on the lesson, and the parents ignored it, you could simply tell them, when they ask what to listen for during practice sessions, that you don't have time to go through everything you did in the lesson, but they are welcome to sit in on the next one.
Good luck!

[RGPianoMusic]

Thank you all very much for your replies.  ALL great suggestions and I will work on implementing as many of them as I can.  

Wow Bernard, you have never canceled a lesson??  Now THAT's dedicated. for me, I am just spread to thick to live up to this sort of thing but I think the important thing is to make my schedule work for me and not work against my schedule.

I can tell you one thing for sure, my Jewish students will FLIP out when they find out that their holidays are not "free" when they miss.  I hate to say it but my Jewish students are the most difficult to work with because they expect everyone to accept their way of life (all the extra religious events and bamitzfas, ect..) and for me to take on extra cancelations because little Johnny has to practice night and day for his bamitzfa next month.  But, I am willing to put forth the policy and stick to it.

Thank you all so much.  My main problem is that I am a softy and I let people walk all over me.  No more!!

Rich

[ahmedito]

I wish I were in a position where I could set the rules as you can. As I said in another post. Im still studying, in dire financial need and I really cant afford to do anything with my horrible students that would jeopardize the money I get for each lesson (even if its not all that much). Luckily I teach in a small academy/music bookstore, so I do not have to go to my students homes, but stay here in a set timeframe. The rates here in MExico are extremely lower. Im getting about 4 or 5 dollars an hour... although the cost of life is a lot lower too.

[bernhard]

I wish I were in a position where I could set the rules as you can. As I said in another post. Im still studying, in dire financial need and I really cant afford to do anything with my horrible students that would jeopardize the money I get for each lesson (even if its not all that much). Luckily I teach in a small academy/music bookstore, so I do not have to go to my students homes, but stay here in a set timeframe. The rates here in MExico are extremely lower. Im getting about 4 or 5 dollars an hour... although the cost of life is a lot lower too.

Try to adapt what follows to your own circumstances (think of them as principles rather than specific recommendations).

Yes, I have been there too.

But the truth is, you are always in a position to set the rules. But you must start to do it. If you keep waiting, you will never get there.

This is the vicious cycle you got yourself in (I speak from experience: I did the same):

1.      You accept any student and let them follow whatever rules they want (pay whenever they want, cancel lessons, not practise, etc.). You hope that when you have enough students you will be able to select the best and kick out the worst.

2.      But because the skill of a teacher is perceived through the achievements of his/her students, having a bunch of losers (that often delay payment, cancel lessons, don’t practise, or simply don’t play) leads to the perception that you are a bad teacher.

3.      Because you are not setting rules, you attract the sort of clientele that would no put up with rules, the sort of parent who wants their kids to have a façade of musical education but no real work. Their train of thought is: Well, he is not really a good teacher, and my child is not really learning anything (by the way, such parents always consider this to be your fault, and shame on you if you suggest that the reason may be that little Mozart is not practising), but on the other hand he is pretty nice, I can delay payment, I can cancel lessons to save some money, and if my child shows any sign of development I can always move him/her to that teacher that has lots of rules.

4.      In short: you will not be taken seriously.

It is a fact of human psychology that you only value that you pay dearly for. For some weird reason people feel reassured in the quality of a product if it is three or four times more expensive than similar ones. But most important, you will be attracting people with money.

So this is what you do.

1.      Make an iron clad policy in writing stating everything you will or will not put up with. What you expect from students and so on. I have given examples of this sort of thing already. But you do not have to follow my requirements. Make up your own. But the most important points, which I believe every teacher should stand united on are:

a.      Payment is in advance. If the student arrives at the lesson and does not give you a cheque the moment he crosses the door, send him home and tell him to bring the cheque next week. I only have to do this once, and cheques are never ever late ever again. Do students leave on account of that? Sometimes (I myself experienced this only once: the student never came back, or phoned offering an explanation). But so you want a student like that anyway? One that does not respect that fact that you are a professional and this is your livelihood? You are better off without such a student.

b.      Payment is per month, not per lesson. Piano playing is not a series of one off lessons. It is a progressive course.

c.      There are no cancellations or holidays. If a student miss a lesson, you try to make up the lesson, but the full fee is still due.

d.      Every three (or six) months the student is evaluated in terms of his/her progress to see if s/he is worth your time and effort. Explain clearly that you are going to teach to the best of your ability, but the student is expected to learn to the best of his/her ability – which includes consistent practice. If the student is mocking about – explain this in your policy – s/he is stealing the opportunity of a more worthwhile student to learn from you. And since you have a long waiting list (this may not be true, but you must act as if it is), you cannot afford to waste time on losers who do not appreciate the great luck of studying with you.

You get the idea.

2.      Increase your price. Find out who is the most expensive teacher in your area and price your lessons the same (if you are like me, though you will ask at least twice as much). Naturally I trust that you can deliver a high quality service (but believe me, even that seems not to be so important. People just assume that since the price is high the service is excellent).

3.      Keep an eye for prodigies (especially if they come from low income families) and offer them a grant: you will teach for half your fee if they make a commitment to participate in Music Festivals and competitions. If they do get a prize or press exposure, you will upgrade them for free lessons grant. You see, this is the best advertisement you can get. And the loser students who will not amount to much will pay for it.

After a while you will start to attract the right clients: People who can afford to pay for piano lessons (the ones who cannot will be put off by your prices), people who always pay on  time and monthly (people who are secretly not prepared to do this will be put off by your policy or by its enforcement). And finally students who practice (if a parent is disbursing a hefty amount every month of the year for piano lessons, they will make sure little Mozart practises).

But how do you move form where you are now to this piano teacher’s paradise? The same way porcupines make love: Slowly and carefully.

To start with make up your policy according to the guidelines above. Then continue teaching your usual students as always. But only accept a new student under the new rules. Do not get discouraged – it may take a long time until that firs student appears, but believe me it will. When I first started teaching with my new system years ago I was in a similar predicament to yours. It took almost a year and a half for the first student to enrol under the new system. But once that first student enrolled others quickly enrolled. So you must be firm

Once you start having a few students under the new policy (remember, they will be paying more), tell your worse students about the change in policy and inform them that from a certain date (I would give them a term’s notice) all students will be under the new policy. They can decide if they want a new teacher or if they want to continue with you. Depending on how many stay and how many leave, you can then extend your policy to all of your students. This is exactly what I did, and boy, I am glad I did it.

The greatest obstacle in my case was psychological. I was too nice. I could not bring myself to demand these things from my students. So here is how I dealt with it. I pretended (to myself) that I was the employee of a music school. My job was to teach. It was the Music School (of which I was the owner, principal and sole teacher, he he) job to administer policy and finances. It had nothing to do with me as a teacher. By having this attitude suddenly everything became possible.

I hope this helps.

Best wishes,
Bernhard.

[tomclear]

Yikes.
Perhaps there is a geographical factor at work here:
I live and teach in Portland, Oregon and have never observed a single one of the atrocious behaviors of which the original poster speaks.
Perhaps I've been extremely lucky, or people are just nicer here.
P.S. It does rain incessantly, so don't THINK of moving here.

[ted]

All I can say after reading these posts is thank goodness I am neither teacher nor pupil, and how lucky I was with the teachers and lessons of my youth.

I had a wonderful rapport with both my teachers with plenty of give and take in both directions. Although he was a very prominent professional musician my teacher always made up lessons I missed, and at the end of term I usually gave him a bottle of whisky in appreciation.

I don't remember any contracts or rules, and my parents were so delighted I had found a creative mentor they just paid whatever he asked without question (which I later learned was not a lot considering his status). There was just an overriding sense of fairness and common sense which somehow took care of everything.

Perhaps it is a sad commentary on our times that people need to tie everything down to rules because nobody seems capable of give and take any more.

[annrach3]

To Bernhard: YOU RULE!

Your suggestions are so inspiring, they just cleared the clouds over my head! But first I must fully believe in them before I can implement them on my students,  and I think your way of thinking (like you are the teacher of a music school and you have nothing to do with the tough rules) is really awesome!!!

[pianostring]

I get upset with parents over these things too, but a little patience goes a long way.  If I talk with them and remind them of my policy and explain it well, they are pliable and willing to meet my standards.  I try to remember that piano lessons are a tiny part of their lives, so I praise them for their dedication and it grows!

Even in a small town, some people are early to arrive or late to pick up their children because they're running other kids around to ballgames and dance lessons.  If it's more than 10 minutes on either end, though, I talk with them about it.  Since I charge more for a longer lesson, they have the choice to arrive on time or pay for the longer lesson.

I was teaching 11 students (nearly half of my roster) in a neighboring town, but I had many problems with the rented studio there.  So I took a risk and asked all of them to come to me, which is at least a half-hour drive for them.  I offered to help with carpooling, but none of them have been interested.  ALL of them stayed with me, even when offered a place by a local teacher.  

Consider yourself worthy and the parents will too!