I am so depressed after the competition

[kghayesh]

I travelled to participate in an international piano competition in Morocco last week. I have been practicing so much for it for more than 3 months. It was my first time to take part in such competition and I was so motivated to do my best and to achieve something

I went there and I have been practicing for two days on great yamaha grands. But I was so shocked to find the piano on stage so different from the practice pianos. It made me suddenly change all my plans and all my playing style in order to suit with the dry-touch piano on stage. I didnt expect this to happen at all so it took me some time to get back into the mood and play as I used to...

The next day I was going to perform also. I already knew what to expect, so I was concentrating and I played much much better. Too bad it was in the harder category which had a lot of very good pianists. I was not the worst, but there was quite a difference between me and between those who won the prizes. I only started music 6 years ago. This was my first time to participate in an international competition and there was a lot of unexpected things that happened to me there.

It's not an excuse for me since I already accepted to be compared to them, it is the reason behind what I am calling "failure". I hate to think of it as like this, but when I try to figure out one word that describes this competition for me, I would - unfortunately - say it was a failure. I went all that to achieve something, and I didnt achieve it, which (as written in the dictionary) means i failed. I haven't touched the piano and I am not planning to for maybe 1-2 weeks after the competition because I am really feeling so down after the competition.

Whenever I look to my piano I feel that it is quite a shame that all the 3 months that I have been working so hard in, ended with this outcome. My self-confidence in my piano playing has been lowered down to serious levels that now I am questioning my ability to even play. I am really depressed concerning everything music-related

[kelly_kelly]

I've never competed in a piano competition, but I have participated in other types of competition, and I know the immediate reaction after losing (or not meeting your own goals) is a feeling that work has been wasted. But no effort you put into music will ever be wasted! It is a cumulative learning process, and and the work you put into this competition, along with lessons from your mistakes, will go towards better preparing you next time. Besides, it's a competition. Unexpected things can happen. And regardless of how the world judges you, you are still a musician. And you are a musician because of what is inside you, not because of how others view you.

I don't know if this will help, but at any rate feel better and don't be discouraged!

[nyonyo]

You need to listen to this.

[syncope]

Wow, that really is a great speech, nyonyo! Thanks for sharing that.

And I fully agree with kelly_kelly.

Furthermore, I know the feeling of not being able to end such hard work with a good result. And I have definitely experienced coming on stage and finding a piano which has a strange touch or strange accoustics, and it's really difficult to handle well with that ón stage while playing! But you have experienced it now and learned from it (what to expect at a competition? --> might be a strange/difficult piano) and will come in handy in coming competitions. All the surprises you've run against.

And you HAVE achieved plenty but it just hasnt shown in a prize this time, but it will show in the coming practicing of pieces (improved technique, understanding), you´ll see how much you have progressed because of these 3 months. And you will see at the next competition, how more experienced you are in dealing with competitions. Because doing competitions is something else thats for sure.

Just know that this feeling of feeling down is natural and everyone; famous musicians and everyone have felt it, but you will find the beauty of piano again and the fun of practicing and progressing, I'm sure.
When at a point like this I start sightreading simple beautiful pieces like Mozart sonatas/Chopin - no study attached - just beautiful music. That helps me getting out of a felt distance (because of disappoinment) with the piano every time.

Hope it makes you feel more hopeful!

[omei]

Thank you, Nyonyo, for introducing to us Nakamatsu's speech.

[amelialw]

don't worry about it...everyone of us pianists need to go through a situation in life like this, more than anything else to build up our self-confidence and experience.

this is the reality, as pianists especially we have to play on a different instrument all the time aside from practise at home and we must learn how to adjust to the touch, sound and tone of the piano. It is always important to listen to ourselves no matter where we are and not to just let things slip past.

Maybe, you just needed more time to prep for the competition especially since it is an international competition, as 3 months really is'nt long at all. For the 1st competition that I took part in, my teacher spent almost 6 months drilling me although it was merely a local competition and yes it was very hard work, sometimes i almost felt like giving up and for 1 of my sonatas, that was all the time I had to learn and master it.

So don't be depressed by it, just look at it as an experience and learn something from it.

[nyonyo]

I am glad that Nakamatsu's speech can be of use for others.

I myself have not competed for the last 18 years, I will start competing again in two or three years. I am preparing at this moment.

I do not expect to win, because virtually all of my competitiors have piano performance degree. My goal is just to be able to play well. If I can do that, I have won.

[ramseytheii]

If you plan to compete again, you have to ask yourself how you can prepare better.  First of all three months is not a long time.  You have to give yourself enough time to perform all the competition pieces, at least 5 times.  That's a very modest number, by the way.  A former teacher of mine met Glenn Gould backstage in his brief performing days, and complimented Mr Gould on his Beethoven Sonata op.109.  Gould replied, according to my teacher, "I haven't quite learned it yet, I've only performed it 30 times."

You also have to practice your pieces on every kind of piano, and in every kind of acoustic.  A friend of mine had to play a competition on a slanted stage.  You never know what kind of bizarre arrangement, bad acoustic, or piano it is going to be.  Part of the preparation is surprising yourself or challenging yourself with unflattering settings.

You can see that preparation for these things goes way beyond sitting at a piano and practicing.  You have to perform, and constantly change your environment, in order to get the level of mastery you need to feel comfortable in the competition situation, which is high-stress, constant distraction, and exposed.

Walter Ramsey

[nyonyo]

If you plan to compete again, you have to ask yourself how you can prepare better.  First of all three months is not a long time.  You have to give yourself enough time to perform all the competition pieces, at least 5 times.  That's a very modest number, by the way. 

Do you meant that we have to practice performing those piece at least 5 times in front of live audieces? Please confirm my understanding, for I am preparing for a competition.

I totally agree with what you said. We have to be able to play under such a stressfull condition. Otherwise, we will mess up when we  playin in front of people.

[ramseytheii]

Do you meant that we have to practice performing those piece at least 5 times in front of live audieces? Please confirm my understanding, for I am preparing for a competition.

I totally agree with what you said. We have to be able to play under such a stressfull condition. Otherwise, we will mess up when we  playin in front of people.

You should definitely play your competition pieces in front of live audiences.  And as many different kinds of audiences as you can find.  Remember, the audience at a competition may be a public, or it may be just a jury, but there are always partisans, and so you always face a certain amount of hostility or at least skepticism from a portion of the audience.  Anyone who has experience performing, can feel that skepticism and it can be unnerving.

There are a lot of quiet venues for performing, and they should all be taken advantage of.  If ever you find yourself saying, "I don't want to play there, because I don't think they will like it," that is a sure-fire sign that you should play there. 

You should also play for other, more experience musicians beyond your teacher.  if ever you think of a musician you know, whom you either respect or fear, and then think, "I'd rather not play it for them," for whatever reason - maybe you're nervous about the criticism they will give - that' s asure-fire sign that you should play for that person.

Even Barack Obama has majorly lost elections.  Before you put yourself under the ultimate fire of a competition, challenge yourself first, to allow yourself to fail in safer surroundings.

Walter Ramsey

[chozartmaninoff]

Very simply - I think that losing can be healthy, it means you can improve what you need to and best of all when you finally win you will appreciate it much much more. Life is about the ride and its all experiance and fun. Its never easy losing but you must learn and grow from it. It makes you who you are and oneday you will look back and say "i cant believe i was ever depressed over that" - Imagine losing both your legs - Now that would be something terrible.

Learn - Grow - Improve - Live

Mike

[remy]

  ...when I try to figure out one word that describes this competition for me, I would - unfortunately - say it was a failure. I went all that to achieve something, and I didnt achieve it, which (as written in the dictionary) means i failed.

Like most of us, you were probably never taught how to find the value of any experience.

The true value of any experience is how helpful the experience is in helping us grow, in our physical talents, our emotional life, or in our inner spiritual beings.

If you can determine what you need to work on, physically, emotionally, and/or spiritually, the experience can turn out to be a great victory for you.

I certainly have done things that were horrible failures, so I know how you feel, I believe.

But those "failures" turned out to be tremendously valuable in helping me to grow.


remy

[syncope]

I agree, you should definitey play for live audience several times, that will help so much.

There are a lot of quiet venues for performing, and they should all be taken advantage of.  If ever you find yourself saying, "I don't want to play there, because I don't think they will like it," that is a sure-fire sign that you should play there.

But also play on comfortable occasions with a wonderful audience that is very enthousiastic, so that when you play at the competition, and the circumstances may be disappointing or you have moments of self-doubt remember the great concert you played your competition pieces at and how excited the audience was and how great it made you feel. This mind-trick remember-great-performance-moments helps very much  when you're overwhelmed by strange circumstances and might forget why you play the piano and how wonderful it can be to share you´re beautiful music with others on stage.

[0range]

You need to listen to this.

What a great speech.. thank you for sharing!

[ryanyee]

man ur not alone! i failed to get into a music school and i realized that i can't play properly or even have the patience to sit at the piano and play a single piece. i feel that my playing suddenly became horrible, unmelodic and useless. and just recently i began to lose control of my hands and now i can't play anything without messing up.

[piano_ant]

Woah!! Don't quit!

Where do you think the emotion in your playing comes from!

Your hardships, Your experiences, your anger, your (I know this is so corny) pain!

This is high octane fuel for better playing and motivation. I was in a regional competition a couple months back. Fifteen minutes, play anything classical. I felt that I played my pieces very well, but found myself up against students playing monstrous pieces (Chopin 4th Ballade, Ondine) and felt like an idiot that I even bothered to come.

Then I found myself thinking, you know, *** them, I can play a huge romantic work too. And so I'm ready for next year and my professor sat me down a couple months after the competition and admitted she was astounded at the progress I had made in such a short time. This is your fuel!
You need the push! I needed the push!
Twist that sh*t around and push yourself!

[tobias777]

Right, I dunno exactly how it is with you piano kids, but in my years as a guitarist, one of the most frequent lessons learned was "Don't show up to a gig expecting to borrow someone else's instrument and still sound great."


Seeing as you can't be expected to carry your piano around with you, I would suggest you find out many weeks before exactly what kind of piano you are going to be using on the day and see if you can get some practice time with a similar one.

[syncope]

^ there is no such thing as a similar one I'm afraid (or there is, but that would just be waste of time searching for it..)