Hi, keypeg,
Thanks for sharing your thoughts so openly. The thing is, I have to say that I have never meant to tie the idea of the symbols to the visual aspect alone. Actually, I believe the visual aspect of the symbols and the system of writing them are more representative of the actual visual aspects of playing the notes, and the tactile sensation (where our hands and fingers are supposed to be on the keys, which direction our hands go on the piano, etc.), than they are of the aural. What I have realized lately though, is that these little lines and spaces and dots, well, at the very least, they come nowhere even remotely close to representing what is my experience in sound. Though, I must admit, there is sometimes very little separation in audio and visual, in my world (and probably truly in anybody's).
For example, a single note played in a particular way, especially at times that I have been alone and just experimenting at the instrument, that sound can seem to fill the entire room. It can seem to echo across the valley that I live in and it can seem to chase the ridges at the top of the mountains. Literally speaking, the sound waves are actually travelling farther than we can hear. One sound may open up an entire *universe* for me, with oceans and colors and galaxies. It finally dawned on me that this was my experience with sound, and that I have had a problem for many years now, not knowing how to link my experience with sound to this little black dot on the page. Sound came first for me, too. My experience with music and my experience with sound is its very own, living thing, and I have a very difficult time trying to channel all that that is through these little symbols on the page. And, why should I ?
Music is, I think, at least better represented (for me anyway) as a language and experience in sound and silences. It is very difficult for me to link little dots to that. I am much more inclined to link it with the entire universe as I percieve it, and how can that be represented by dots of any kind ? I just don't know how. The closest I can come is through drawing and painting.