The F major conspiracy

[f_marjorie]

I have made this thread to enlight you all on an, unfortunately, often forgotten subject. I am talking of course, about the problematic key of F major. Its main problem is, that it is the worst key ever invented by man. It was a terrible mistake in music history, an abomination of the harmonical development. First invented by Martin Luther, it was the main reason why the Pope, in his wisdom, decided to ban him. It was of course a very sad story. Luther was trying to combine the two chords of C major and Bb major, but they fused to the chord lying in between - it was the birth of F major. The chord is one of the things in the history of mankind that should never have been invented. Luther managed to drive his neighbours MAD with his new compositions in his very own key, F major. He was reported to the church, and it did not take long until the Pope had his eyes on Luther.
Since the chord (and hence the compositions in F major), is physically unpleasing, just like the augmented fourth, people believed that it was related to the devil. When the Pope himself heard Luther's composition "Ode to my very own misunderstood chord of F major", he decided to ban Luther. The composition was 20 minutes long and contained nothing but F major chords and scales combined in the most distasteful of ways.
But Luther, as we all know, managed to escape and spread the word of the F major way of life. It was adapted by many composers in Luther's lifetime, and by the 17th century it was generally accepted in the world of music.

The music would however, be perfectly fine without this terrible chord. One might think that it is a necessary component in any composition in Bb major, because of the fact that it is the dominant in this key. But this is a misunderstanding. The dominant of Bb major SHOULD be nothing but F# major. This is because the fifth of Bb to F is not able to satisfy the human ear at all. It should be extended to F#, it is a much more pleasing way to play. Imagine the octave section of the Sixth Hungarian Rhapsody by Franz Liszt, alternating between Bb and F# instead of Bb and F, what beautiful music we would have then.

I do want to emphasize that the single tone of F is not flawed in itself. It is the combination F, A and C. It is the three tones together, not the big third F to A, or the fifth, F to C, these intervals occurs in other chords as well. The combined intervals all add upp to 666 cents though, is it a coincidence?
Therefore, F minor can be played without worrying, as it does not contain the lethal combination of FAC.

Mozart was drawn to this chord like a magnet. No less than four sonatas bear witness of this. He is also incapable of writing music in F# major, which suggests he was indeed a follower of Luther.
Unfortunately it was used by very many of the composers of the 18th and 19th century:
Haydn, who wrote several sonatas in F major.
Mozart, already mentioned, four sonatas in F major, but also four piano concerti.
Beethoven, two sonatas.
Chopin, also seemed to like this dreadful key. Two etudes, one ballade, a prelude, two mazurkas, one nocturne, his Rondo à la Mazur, a waltz and then of course the big orchestral work - The Krakowiak Rondo.
Liszt wrote countless compositions in F major, Saint-Saëns' Fifth piano concerto, etc. etc. The key is indeed used excessively.
All these compositions are of course APPALLING!

However, not every composer fell for the trick. There is one contemporary composer who never once use the F major chord. When he revealed the whole conspiracy concerning the F major key, he was banished from his homeland. Yet to this day, he continues to produce several compositions each month without the F major chord, such as: "Serenade to the Holy Ransiscus (without the F)", "Piano Quartet in F - NOT" and who does not remember the classic "A midsummernight - variations in every key except for F major!". These are all wonderful pieces, but nobody is playing them. Pianists just do not understand the genious behind these works, we are so brainwashed by the F major chord today that we think we actually do enjoy it.
I could give away his name, but the fact is, I have been threatened into silence. This is actually a very dangerous conspiracy...!

The ones to blame for the prosperous chord, are of course none others, but the leaders of the former Soviet Union.

What can be done about this tragic situation then? The answer is very simple, just replace all chords and scales in F major to F# major, you will be surprised how well it sounds! Compositions in F major should all be transposed to F# major - just imagine how much more fun it would be to play Chopin op. 10 no. 8 in F# major instead, and it would sound so much better.
Also, ehum, I have a little fund, created to help the victims of F major, and of course, to work against it on every possible levels. Please mail me on exterminate_fmajor_now@hotmail.co.uk for more information.

//Professor in music harmony at the best academy ever

[mad_max2024]

I thought these things only came by email... 

[Bob]

F is a good key for bands.  I don't know whether that's support for F Major or more material against it.  But it works well for band music.

C instruments, stay in F Major
Bb instruments, read G Major
Eb instruments, read D Major
F instruments, read C Major

[Petter]

I blame Keith Jarret

[pianowolfi]

I blame Keith Jarret

lol what is he really doing with this grand??

[arensky]

Since the chord (and hence the compositions in F major), is physically unpleasing, just like the augmented fourth, people believed that it was related to the devil.

The ones to blame for the prosperous chord, are of course none others, but the leaders of the former Soviet Union.

Indeed , Scriabin called it "the blood red of hell"   

[mad_max2024]

lol what is he really doing with this grand??

lol
He is clearly possessed... 

[Etude]

Paysage.  Enough said.

Red?  I wouldn't have thought that at all.  I always associate F major with green for some reason.

[Bob]

That's Keith Jarret?  He looks... kinda dorky.

[arensky]

Paysage.  Enough said.

Red?  I wouldn't have thought that at all.  I always associate F major with green for some reason.

It's green for me too. Even something like Scriabin 9. Red is D and d for me. Scriabin's key color relationships are often very different from "the norm", whatever that may be.

[kelly_kelly]

Paysage.  Enough said.

Red?  I wouldn't have thought that at all.  I always associate F major with green for some reason.

That's funny... I associate F with green too.

[communist]

'We cannot well accompany the Devil in any key but F♯ minor' - Anon. 1828

sorry to get off topic 

[f_marjorie]

I associate F major with green too. The greenish colour of the devil and of course, Luther himself. Have you ever watched those paintings of Luther carefully? Stare at it long enough and he will turn green.
Also, sightreading in F major is known to have a negative effect on your capability to read music. Scientifically proved, by me.

I want to thank everyone of you who has sent mails to me, asking for more information. I knew it was a good idea to enlighten you on this issue.

[argerichfan]

Paysage.  Enough said.

Beethoven Op. 10#2, Op. 54.  Two favourites of mine.

And yeah, 'nother one here:  F major - green.