A difficult family situtaton.

[lostinidlewonder]

I won't mention any real names out of respect so here is the story.

Miss Jones has three children, aged from 6 to 14. She is a single mother, a professional working a great job and earning good money. Her children are shared between her and her ex husband. This has been going on for 5 years already.

After being single for 5 years she now meets a new partner. Mr Anderson has had children of his own who are all grown up now. He has gone through the trials of bringing up children through to adulthood and dealing with all the drama that goes with it.

He is now with Miss Jones for a couple of years and like any relationship issues start coming. Especially with the children that live with them. How much respect should these children give their mothers new partner? Do they have the right to say, he is not our father we don't have to listen to him? Does the mother have the right to keep her new partner out of the decision making in bringing up her children?

For example lets say that Mr Anderson asks one of Miss Jones children to do their chores. And the child out of spite does nothing for as long as possible. How much right to discipline the child does he have? How much should Miss Jones allow? I told him that the next time the children ask him to drive them somewhere he should do the same, just laze around for an hour before doing it. But he insists that Miss Jones would not like that! She would critique that he is being like them. I think it is a wonderful way to show them what it feels like.

This is a very very common situation throughout this world.

[pianochick93]

I believe that the children should still show respect for the adult. Treat him as they would an uncle or something - not the same level of authority as the mother, but fairly close.

I have been in this situation before, and my sister was the disrespectful kid. She was always rude and never did anything she was asked to do, even if it was something as simple as putting her plate on the sink.
The mother definitely has the right to bring up her children without his help - he should not replace the father fully unless the kids are ok with it, and will probably always be a husband to the mother rather than a surrogate father to the kids.

If the new guy is taking advantage of the kids, for example asking them to do all the chores around the house, then they have the right to refuse, but it shouldn't be kept between them and him - the kids should tell their mother about their problems. Also, the older children should help explain things to the younger ones: 'He's not here to take the place of dad, he's here to make things a little bit easier for mum, so she's happy and we have more free time'

[timothy42b]

How much should Miss Jones allow? I told him that the next time the children ask him to drive them somewhere he should do the same, just laze around for an hour before doing it.

I wouldn't do that.  Acting as childishly as them is unlikely to produce results, but will breed further disrespect.  Most parenting is done by modeling the correct behavior. 

Sounds like the kids have learned to divide and conquer. 

[hyrst]

I would say it is ok to say to a child, "I will take you to XYZ when you have done what you needed to do".  However, to imitate the rebellious behaviour is more likely to build more resistance and resentment than to make a point.  The required behaviour should also be limited to a common courtesy (removing a plate could be included) - but one can only expect courtesy and kindness if one first gives it - and then in return it should still be appreciated as a gift.  So, perhaps the step father could clean up everyone's plates and then one day politely say he would much appreciate if they would help this time.

I believe that the mother should be responsible for decisions concerning the children,  but the step father should be  free to discuss with her any concerns or anything that affects him - just as in a good friendship.  (Remember the mother has chosen the relationship.  The children cannot be expected to therefore automatically also choose a relationship - but there are certain ways it is acceptable to interact even with a stranger.)

The step father should not be the one setting the rules.  As  said before, he is more like an uncle or close family friend.  He should also only ask for what is socially a thing that makes the household functional - so it would be okay to ask if they would tidy up toys if he really has a need to feel free of clutter, but he has no right to insist but should rather express that it would be valued by him.  He should only carry through rules the mother has explicitly layed out first to the children, as if he were a baby sitter.

However, I am a firm believer that parents are not rule setters but coaches in socialisation.  Some rules are necessary, such as a certain bedtime or cleaning of teeth or doing homework.  These things are not random and should be treated as things to value because of why they are important - never because "I said so".  Tidying rooms should not be a rule, but an issue of  responsibility - if a person is to have their own things they should take proper care of them or not have them until they are ready to look after them.  Beyond that, I have always been the first to show to my children the behaviour I want from them - I don't yell at them, so I won't listen if they think they can yell at me.  I look after them first, and then they do things like helping with the housework because they appreciate what I do for them.  It has really worked with my two and I strongly believe children should be  treated in the same way we want them to treat us.