Wolfi, oh my goodness, thank you so much for your post. I just listened to this recording on CD, and decided to put on the same CD some recordings of some of my singing experiences from the last few years. It's so hard for me to explain myself, but I can say that I started to feel such a deep frustration about things and about my life. I know, I know, so dramatic. I have to tell you that your post actually made me cry because, you are so right in what you say and I appreciate so much your final ideas. I do feel constantly torn, between many things, and as dramatic as that may sound, it's simply not a real fun experience and it never has been.
I do often feel as though people would like and even feel some responsibility to help to put me is some category, and I actually understand this very much. What I am doing pianistically right now, the intense and focused instruction, my rock-solid teacher, I deeply need that. But, it doesn't make everything else about me disappear (actually, that particular thing just seems to feed it). Regarding my recording here, I can hear all the imperfections and I know the kind of time and effort I have put into this (which has been varying over the years). I can hear things in my voice now that I only heard glimmers of in the recordings of a couple of years ago ... all of this is meant to be to saying that, I simply don't know what kind of path to follow. The fact that I have managed to focus my life as much as I have is a real accomplishment for me ... haha. But, I know I can do so much more and sometimes that all leaves me feeling pretty lost (that is definitely one reason I appreciate having such focused instruction with my piano teacher).
I guess I feel like whatever my path is, I simply have to concede that it's just not going to be something that I can point at and say "yep, that's the one" ... I think it's not one that is considered "normal" and honestly, I have no idea if I will ever amount to anything of a spectacular nature at all !! I very well may not. I suppose I fear something like watching my funeral from some hovering spot above and hearing people's thoughts saying "what a waste" ... b/c I haven't just gone for an Opera career or b/c I simply didn't start piano lessons when I was 1yrs old. I feel like I actually have to reverse the laws of this world, and I am actually not really joking.
Well, bah. Anyway, thank you so much ! I will get back to doing something responsible now

.