encouragement, criticism, and emotional instability

[sfkrystal]

It seems that many musicians, along with being brilliantly musically intuitive, are also varying ranges of emotionally unstable, prone to anger or have very low self-esteem, and are overly sensitive. (Except for Hayden and probably you. ) I think it's necessary to be aware of this, both as a musician and as someone dealing with musicians. It's not just a stereotype, but it doesn't have to be such a stigma either.

In the psychiatric world, the labels include impostor's syndrome, bi-polar disorder, clinical depression, borderline personality disorder, and the like, but these diagnoses are only useful when they offer a clear treatment that will work.

The overlap between creativity and madness also has more useful labels: "trans-logical thinking" and a "higher tolerance for irrationality". Creativity and intuition, by definition, step outside logic and rational thinking. Some research I've read points to this as being the reason we have a higher percentage of eccentrics in the artistic world.

So given that as a group, we musicians have a higher likelihood of emotional sensitivity, I have two questions:

1. How do we give encouragement, praise, and necessary criticism to someone who will often ignore encouragement, rationalize away the praise, and blow up constructive criticism into a world-crushing giant? (Or, I suppose, the opposite is also true in some cases.)

2. How can those of us who are prone to do this learn to accept and "right-size" feedback and use it to keep us on track?

[bleicher]

A really interesting topic!

A lot of people say that as a teacher it's important to give a lot more positive comments than negative - in fact I seem to remember that there is a particular ratio that's recommended, but I can't remember what it is. I think students vary quite a bit in how much criticism they can cope with. I know I don't deal that well with criticism! One thing I've noticed is that it's one thing if a teacher says what the problem is, then explains a way to overcome it, but I find it very difficult to deal with a critical comment if I don't know what to do to fix the problem.

I would be very interested to read people's answers to question no. 2.

[Bob]

For enouragement you can make a sandwich.

Positive
Something to improve
Positive

You start about mentioning something positive.  Then mention what could be improve (and how if you know).  Then finish up with something positive again.

[fleetfingers]

Those are good answers so far. I felt like you were describing me in your post. hehe

I accompany my son on his violin in the evenings and I'm supposed to be "helping/teaching" him during the week in between his lessons. He is talented musically and, yes, very sensitive. I have struggled to find ways to be encouraging but to also help him when he could use the instruction. There are times when he's not hitting the right pitch or the rhythm is a little off and he needs to be corrected or he'll form a bad habit. But he gets so defensive and upset if I mention it. I've found that what Bob said works the best: give praise before making suggestions. I don't always follow it up with praise though...I'll try to remember that.

I still struggle with him though, so any other advice people add would be helpful to me.

When I am teaching my piano students, I praise them and tell them how wonderful it sounds. Then I say something like, "The way you played it was very good. Now, there is a difference between piano players who sound 'good' and those who sound 'great'. Let me show you a trick (or a secret)." Then, we talk about and work on articulations, dynamics, evenness, etc. They are usually very receptive when I approach it that way (these are kids I'm talking about, btw).

Another thing about praise. It should be specific and it should be the truth. Find something in their playing that they really do well, rather than a general "good job".

[m1469]

1. How do we give encouragement, praise, and necessary criticism to someone who will often ignore encouragement, rationalize away the praise, and blow up constructive criticism into a world-crushing giant? (Or, I suppose, the opposite is also true in some cases.)

2. How can those of us who are prone to do this learn to accept and "right-size" feedback and use it to keep us on track?

This is strangely tricky and I think that everybody is challenged by this on some level, for at least a portion (or portionS) of their life.  In fact, the more I pondered this, the trickier it all seemed, as there really is no 'pat' answer that I can see, except to simplistically say "always give exactly the right type of criticism and praise, and always accept them the right way."  

Obviously, it's not quite that simple, though.  Amongst my ponderings were a few thoughts which stood out to me as most pertinent, as far as I can understand it at the time.

--  I think that, truly, the very bottom line is that each of us want to feel as though our existence has purpose and meaning, whether its inherent to life in a bigger scale, or whether we seemingly create that for ourselves.

--  I believe there are two types of affirmation and criticism; human, and divine (though, they can seemingly overlap).  It is as though at times we walk through deserts or over pretty rough terrain, and once in awhile we meet another traveler who perhaps gives us something as simple as a drink of water (that being more or less the human type).  Other times, it's as though somebody's smile or some look in their eyes, or by some other way (sometimes having nothing directly to do with another individual at all) we are affirmed that the overall path we are on in life is, in fact, exactly the right direction (this being more or less the divine).  But then, sometimes the drink of water can be both the one thing we needed at that very moment by human necessity, as well as the life-affirming guidance of our overall path.

--  There is always a context in both the giving and receiving.  Ultimately, I think it's important to be aware of this both on the giving and receiving end of things.

--  It is natural-seeming to have the desire for the mirrors around us to adequetly reflect what is going on inside of us.  I believe that, ultimately, this happens in moments (sometimes just itty bitty glimpses, sometimes prolonged over larger human measurements of time).

--  I think that we have a choice, especially on the receiving end of these, about whether or not we are going to get swept up into and emotional roller coaster over them (I think especially as it relates to the human), or whether we are not.  I think that, in order *not* to, it takes a certain kind of focus about life.

Well, these are, as you can see, just sketches of thinking on it and not actual answers.  That's as much as I can articulate for now though.

[m1469]

Oh, I'm back again to add that, in a way, I believe in only affirmation.  Ultimately, I think the best type of criticism is one that is actually rooted in seeing something profound within another, that they are either living up to or not.  So, ultimately, it's actually meant to lift somebody vs. cut them down, even though it may come in the form of criticism (I suppose that's part of what "constructive criticism" is supposed to be about!).  I can't say that I'm the master of that, but ultimately, that is what I would wish to be capable of doing.  I think that, especially in some cases, it's important that the individual receiving this kind of criticism is somehow aware of the fact that you see something profound inside of them (and, of course, that starts with the simple fact that you actually DO!).

[thinkgreenlovepiano]

For enouragement you can make a sandwich.

Positive
Something to improve
Positive

You start about mentioning something positive.  Then mention what could be improve (and how if you know).  Then finish up with something positive again.

I like that.  I tend to do that...

Personally I'm quite sensitive, but what I do is try to be optimistic.Criticism can be how you interpret it. You can interpret it as something helpful or something offensive. I try and see the best in people and hope that they have good intentions... I know sometimes people may criticize in a way that hurts, but maybe they really just wanted to help you and didn't know how to word it gently.