Difficult Parent

[rgh55]

Tonight I had a major argument with the mother of 3 of my students.  I came to the door and the one son said that this was his last lesson.  I had no advance notice that he was quiting.  He has done this before, but when he quit before his sister started taking lessons so the spot was filled. Two weeks ago the mother said that all three would continue lessons and were not allowed to quit.  We proceeded with his lesson (last lesson of the month that was prepaid).  What do you teach a student at their last lesson?  He played his assignment from the week before which lasted for 15 minutes.  After that I said he could play whatever he wanted to in order to make up the remaining time of his 30 minute lesson.  His mother came flying into the living room and said "aren't you going to teach him anything"?  I said no... there is no point in starting anything new if he is not continuing. She went into a rage started yelling at me saying she paid for this lesson and that I should teach him."  (Meanwhile we are speaking about $7.00 on the clock.)  I said that I would review prior pieces with him and that would be it. She was out of control to the point I closed my portfolio and walked out of the house and told her to find a new teacher for the remaining 2 kids.  She came after me yelling and telling me to get back in her house and teach or give them their money back....which I don't do.  I did go back and finished with him and still had 2 remaining kids of hers to teach.  The husband later came in and apologised for her and said he really wanted me to stay on.  I would just as soon be finished with them but I need the income as this is my full time job.  I have never had any parent treat me with such disrespect as she did.  I have a studio of 50 students and never encountered anything like this.   Usually people feel somewhat bad when they quit knowing this affects your income.

Has anyone had similar situations and how have you handled them?

Sorry this is so long....it's been a bad night.

Thanks.

[mcdiddy1]

Wow....that is a pretty bad situation. I can thankfully say I have never had to deal with a parent who behaved in that way. Although I just taught a last lesson like you did. He was doing a Beethoven sonata so there was plenty to talk about in the lesson.

On that situation, I think it possible to learn how to handle difficult parents like that. Now that I have been teaching for a while I can see parents like that coming a mile away now and know the strategies to circumvent potential problems.

The first thing I do is make sure I have a strong friendly relationship with the parent with the best interest of the student always in mind. When they recognize that even the tiger moms are much less likely to pounce on you for not treating their child special.

Most of the time parents but into the lesson because they feel inadequate themselves so it helps to explain the reasoning of why you do what you are doing and educate them in how students learn music and just to prove you know what you are doing. When they see you know what you are talking about they are less likely to question you.

The final thing is to make sure you did everything and taught every thing you possibly could and learn from the failures. Maybe in the future you might consider teaching the student some filler information on the last lesson. Even if the student plays the piece perfectly you may start discussing about phrasing, trying different interpretation, different style, playing an accompaniment with the student, practice strategies, or polishing up and older piece. Even if the student is not going to continue with you, you could still start a new piece so the student can continue to learn on his own and give him tips.

The parent probably took it as a personal attack or punishment to say you are not going to teach the student. Many times students stop lessons for personal reason, and if you teach everything to the best of your ability and they leave on a positive note they are likely to return in the future. I think the best thing you can do is learn from the situation and be thankful you did not lose all the students.

[rgh55]

Thank you!!

[coffee_guy]

you messed up in my opinion. To take money and tell a parent thet there is no reason to teach him was arogant and showed your lack of caring for the student. You should have approached it with the mentality that you were going to give the kid the best lesson he has ever had and tell him at the end you will miss teaching him and that you hope he reconsiders. Unless that is, you are happy to be rid of him and now the other two students.

[rgh55]

Coffee Guy --- my question was asking if other teachers had similar situations and how they handled a difficult parent.  Didn't ask to have my teaching methods questioned or if I messed up. Not fair of you to comment that I behaved in an arrogant uncaring manner.  Yes, I did dismiss the remaining 2 students and added 3 more today.  I have no room in my studio or my life for that matter for disrepectful and rude people!  If that's arrogant so be it!!  Taking their money??? Really??? I said that I was not going to teach the student anything new....didn't say I wasn't teaching him a final lesson to the best of my ability. Please read McDiddy's helpful response and maybe you can learn something yourself! At the least learn how to respond in a positive rather than an offensive manner.

[coffee_guy]

you know your wrong and now you are attacking me. If you have so many students, who cares. The parent was not out of line, you were. You were asking about the parents responce, and I don't see the parent as being out of line. You sound like a baby and unprofessional.

[rgh55]

Coffee Guy:  Thanks for your input!  You are funny.  And you are a teacher?  I am still laughing.

[perfect_pitch]

OKAY... Before this turns into a pissing match...

Let me tell you the story I had with a parent. Small Indian kid who seemed to be rather bright when it came to learning the piano and good independance in the hands. I have been teaching him for about 3 months on and off (since the father kept cancelling almost half the lessons 10 minutes prior to the lesson).

One time I went to their house to teach him and knocked on the door (mind you - this was in 41C heat) The father ignored my knocking several times, and the use of the doorbell multiple times... and I know he ignored me, because I could hear him telling his son to go to his room and I saw the father peeking through the curtains. When I picked up my mobile to call the house phone, he immediately opened the door and just told me there's no lesson today.

I was standing outside his front door for more than 5 minutes, being ignored in 41 degree heat, and to just have the father ignore me like that was just pathetic.

I called the mother the next day and told them I would not be teaching her son any more and I told her what the father had done. It was insulting and rude.

[rgh55]

Perfect Pitch - I had a similar situation....went to a house to teach 2 students and they weren't home.  This happened 3 times in a row.  The third time was at the first of the month when tuition was due.  The mother said they forgot about lessons.  They were asked to find a new teacher.

[kellyc]

Hi RGH. I think you did fine for the situation. There are times when there are no good answers. No matter what you do , it just doesn't work out well.  Don't second guess yourself. All it does is lead to a lot of doubt.

Now I'm not a teacher I'm a student, granted a very advanced student.  I have seen a lot of what are called stage moms and dads. I have seen a lot of tyrannical kids.  A teacher who doesn't remain in control, is not doing themselves , or there students any service.

So,  my advice to you. Try as hard as you can to remain in control. If you don't, a student like me, will eat you for lunch, or at least the way I used to be. (lol)

Kelly

[soitainly]

 I never have quite understood what it is about how some people abuse the employee/client relationship. Sometimes it is from people who you would never think to create conflict. Maybe it is because they are angry at someone that bullies them and can't stand up to the bully, but take it out on you instead. I understand that you need the money, and that in a business where word of mouth is so important you can't make many enemies. But you have to make it clear to that woman that she absolutely cannot treat you this way. She has the right to have greivances, but they must be presented in a civil manner. Period. If you can get that through to her, then the kids do deserve a good teacher. If not, it may be best to walk away.

 I wasn't there so I have to take your word for what was said by whom and in what emotional context. It is hard for everyone to deal with frustration in a professional manner, but as an entepreneur you yourself have to keep a clear head and always present yourself professionally. I won't go as far to say you are wrong, but successful business people just have to learn to deal with this type of situation.

[rgh55]

Thank you!

[lovelandpianoacademy]

Wow, difficult!  that is pretty bad.  I've been learning a lot over the past few years about dealing with problem clients... and weeding them out so that I only have students (and families) that I WANT to work with.  A lot of times, you get warning signs early on.  But if you "need" the students, and especially if they know that, they can take advantage of you!  I have gotten a lot of helpful guidance on choosing and working with clients from a montoring program called Music Academy Success.  You can check it out at www.musicacademysuccess.com.  I have learned a ton and have been able to avoid a lot of situations that I might have gotten myself in several years ago.  It has also helped me make a mindset change so that I look at potential students differently and can evaluate objectively.  It is amazing to have a studio full of 40 students that I WANT to teach everyday!
I wish you the best and hope that the situation blows over quickly... and that this doesn't affect any other students!

[go12_3]

I think every piano teacher has to deal with "bad parents"  sometime or another.  It's not an easy thing to deal with.  I have experienced, last month, a parent who had her 2 children taking lessons from me for a whole year and through the Summer.  Then she wanted September off with no explanation on why....not that I really needed to know.  But, it would have been nice to have a reason why suddenly a month off from lessons especially when the whole year without missing any lessons, was a surprise for me.  I do not make it a point to befriend any parent because I don't trust them through my experience.  These past 2 years in teaching has left me high and dry with no desire to take in any more students because of how parents has treated me.  It's either the parents or the students that are the problem...the teacher  has to cater to  every whim and need.  Oh, I did lose these 2 students because I had a gut feeling that the parent had other plans in which she didn't reveal to me in her email with not a word of appreciation nor thanks for teaching her children....oh well, that goes with the territory in being a piano teacher....and a very down hearted one at that!   

[rgh55]

Thanks for all the responses!!

[DeusExMachina]

I've had this and worse! So have the other teachers I know.

Let me say that I have a system of how I handle the last 30 days of lessons, as that is what I require as notice. I always have a plan, and this is to keep the peace!

That said, from the whole story, this family sounds unorganized, and the kids seem like they are calling the shots, not mom. You might want to tell children that announce that they are stopping lessons, that they need a note from their mother. The kid was pulling a fast one on you. You are better off without people like this. It is entirely unacceptable that she behaved this way.

This is the type of mother that may go around slandering you. It has happened to others, including myself, for even saying no to repeated abuses of policies. Smile widely to everyone! I do whatever I can to protect myself from hot-headed parents. Even if a parent tries to hurt you outside the studio, it will blow over.

And you do learn to spot them early.

[go12_3]

And you do learn to spot them early.

With that being said, I don't know about spotting bad parents early.  This parent that I experienced at the end of August was all sweetness to me all through the year.  It can be hard to gauge upon the behavioral aspects of a parent when things are going well, especially for a whole year.  What I don't comprehend is how the mom managed to turn her cheek the other way, completely ignoring how I would feel.  This experience has made me more aware for future "bad parents." 

[nyiregyhazi]

Coffee Guy --- my question was asking if other teachers had similar situations and how they handled a difficult parent.  Didn't ask to have my teaching methods questioned or if I messed up. Not fair of you to comment that I behaved in an arrogant uncaring manner.  Yes, I did dismiss the remaining 2 students and added 3 more today.  I have no room in my studio or my life for that matter for disrepectful and rude people!  If that's arrogant so be it!!  Taking their money??? Really??? I said that I was not going to teach the student anything new....didn't say I wasn't teaching him a final lesson to the best of my ability. Please read McDiddy's helpful response and maybe you can learn something yourself! At the least learn how to respond in a positive rather than an offensive manner.

Sorry, but I agree with him entirely. Yes, parents can sometimes be difficult. But if you deal with it badly, you come out looking bad too and possibly even worse than the parent. You should consider  how much worse a professional with a bad attitude looks compared to a parent (regardless of who was in the wrong first)- and just how much more you stand to lose by behaving poorly. She may have been rude, but a parent has every right to expect some kind of teaching for the time they pay for. Storming out in response (as if you have no obligation other than to take their money) is unprofessional and I am sorry to say that it reflects badly upon you, in my opinion. The above post only serves to strengthen that impression.

The following statement is very revealing:

"Usually people feel somewhat bad when they quit knowing this affects your income."

Teaching is a business transaction. There are no obligations to you and if you think someone should feel guilty about stopping, you're viewing your customers in totally the wrong light. You should feel obligated to them for the money you receive. That sentence suggests that you virtually view customers as a god-given open wallet to you. That's not how either teaching or business in general works. Income is EARNED- not granted to you.

[rgh55]

nyiregyhazi

Glad others don't think the way you and Coffee Guy do.  By the way, she offered an apology and I took her kids back.  By the way, I didn't storm out.  Where did you get this?  Maybe you should read the post again before you respond and try in interpret how one thinks and acts in a situation.  Teaching is much more that a business transaction!!!   You obviously don't teach. Try offering constuctive criticism. Viewing customers as an open wallet? That doesn't even make sense!!

[nyiregyhazi]

nyiregyhazi

Glad others don't think the way you and Coffee Guy do.  By the way, she offered an apology and I took her kids back.  By the way, I didn't storm out.  Where did you get this?  Maybe you should read the post again before you respond and try in interpret how one thinks and acts in a situation.  Teaching is much more that a business transaction!!!   You obviously don't teach.

Actually I do. I didn't say teaching is only a business transaction (although most business coaching places high value on seeking to build good relationships with customers, if you for some reason imagine that personal relationships distinguishes teaching from business in general). The point is that a professional attitude does not involve expectations from paying customers outside of what you agree to. Anything else is a bonus to be appreciated. When you start feeling it's a God-given right, you're just asking for trouble.

If someone feels guilty at no longer providing you with income you should feel flattered. If they do not, you have literally zero right to feel aggrieved. They have not taken anything from you. They have only given to you. The way you phrased suggested to me that guilt is something you have a right to expect and that anything less than that is something to be personally offended by. I wholeheartedly disagree. If I signed up for a few sessions with a personal trainer for example, I would be unlikely to feel guilty about stopping at some point in the future. I would certainly thank them for their time. However, I would find it very unprofessional of them if I got even the slightest hint that they were personally aggrieved at me for "reducing their income". A customer GIVES you income in the time they are with you. Stopping is not taking income from you. It is to stop adding to your income.

Okay, perhaps you didn't "storm" out. However, you walked out in the middle of a lesson that they had already paid for. As a professional you have to consider how that would sound to a prospective customer. No matter how much in the wrong your customer might be, it's your job to ensure that you stay in the right- and that your behaviour could not be viewed in any other light.

[brogers70]

Difficult people are like bad weather. There's no point cursing the rain. All you can do is decide the best way to handle them. It's always most useful to assume that everything bad is your own fault. I know that sounds strange and negative. But if bad stuff that happens is your own fault, there's actually hope you can prevent it from happening again. If it's someone else's fault or just bad luck, then you have no chance to avoid it. Sounds like this was a really unpleasant event.