While I love many people and truly appreciate any ounce of thoughts and support on my behalf, can anybody understand that in almost any given day, all I can think about is being at the piano, centering myself and my being and my thoughts there, even if it's just playing scales but the point is, CONNECTING with it, and that this is something intrinsic in my being - despite other interests or "talents"? And, that I feel when people don't care about this part of me, or don't recognize this part of me, and are only seeing what I am not giving to you - while I am working my butt off in the same number of hours as anybody else has - and I feel you judge me on this b/c I am not in choir, or I am not doing everything you think I should be doing ... that it is not just a matter of me being ingrateful or "spoiled" because I have a "choice"? And, do you see that from my perspective, it seems that many people I know in this world would support me quitting piano for the purpose of pursuing voice, without having an deep inkling on what that feels like for me? AND, besides that, it's not as though I have any answers about anything regarding where it's supposedly taking me! How would I?
I want to sing, yes. But right now, despite the pressures that I feel to fulfill obligations or even despite the desire I do have to sing, all I want to do is center myself at the piano and keep myself in pianistic shape, record, prepare for audition, prepare a recital ... despite that it's a lonely path, despite that I don't have answers. And, even as I type this, just the fact that I acknowledge this part of myself gives me a kind of clarity that I don't have in any other way. Can you see that, to take away that fundamental part of me, is to take away the foundation on which I put my life? It is not that I don't believe in God - I do. But, wouldn't we wish to live a life which most resembles that very relationship?
Please stop judging me for not being everything you'd think I should be, if I were truly anybody at all. I need to play - and yes, I also need to sing. Accept them both, please, and accept that piano *must* be there in a big way in order for my life to work at all.
*goes to piano despite the world*