How to regain someone's trust quickly

[vsrinivasa]

I am asking this on behalf of a friend's son, who gave me permission. How does one regain somebody's trust quickly after a big lie? My friend has lost all trust in her son after several repeated lies and finally a big one. How can this relationship be repaired?

[lloyd_cdb]

Go back to small lies.

Umm... in seriousness, trust takes time.  There is no instant fix.  Although, if the lies are related to each other, it can be mended a bit faster by regular honesty on that subject.  (i.e. if you are lying about where you are after school everyday, just coming home for a week or checking in at a believable location can mend trust reasonably quickly)

[outin]

How does one regain somebody's trust quickly after a big lie?

You don't. And when it comes to lying, if it's a habit, one has to think whether it is worth to try if one is going to do it again anyway. So basically: Does he want the trust back to be able to lie again successfully?

One may be able to speed up the process a bit by sitting down with the said person and honestly explain the reasons WHY the lies felt necessary. If she understands that may help to build up a healthier relationship.

I personally don't mind lying that much, but for some people it's the worst thing they can think of. For those people regaining trust may take ages and some peoploe never seem to get over things like this. Although generally mothers are forgiving when it comes to their offspring...

[Bob]

Can't.  It will take a long time to rebuild the good.

[p2u_]

How does one regain somebody's trust quickly after a big lie?

You don't, but on the other hand: Although it will never be forgotten, we should be able to at least forgive someone for doing it. If the person hadn't lied, he would have been punished somehow, right? That's why he did it.

We live in a hypocritic world where lying is officially "wrong" but certain professionals use it all the time as a legitimate tool: politicians, advertisers, lawyers, etc. Telling the truth all the time can also get you in very serious trouble, so you have to be "politically correct" not to hurt anybody's feelings, never show others your real intentions, your real feelings. We have accepted schizophrenia as the norm...

Paul

[Bob]

We have accepted schizophrenia as the norm...

Have we?  We?

[Bob]

Yes, "we."  Deal with it.

[Bob]

Ok.

[p2u_]

2 Bob

Nice joke!

P.S.: I'd also like to point out something else. When a person's body hurts, we tend to display lots of empathy for his/her suffering. When someone's soul/spirit hurts (lying may very well be a symptom) we tend to be very, very cruel.

Paul

[faulty_damper]

I am asking this on behalf of a friend's son, who gave me permission. How does one regain somebody's trust quickly after a big lie? My friend has lost all trust in her son after several repeated lies and finally a big one. How can this relationship be repaired?

The problem began long before his lying.  It's not the son's fault for being afraid of telling the truth to his parents, hence the reason he lies.  He learned long ago that his parents would reject him if he did certain things that they did not approve of so he learned to lie.  That's the reason most people lie, out of fear of rejection.  His parent started it first.  He just reacted to it.

If you accept this explanation, then the problem isn't with the son but with the parents.  The parents will say they were perfect and would never expect such behavior.  But ask any parent if their parents were perfect and the answer will be No.

Without further information about what these lies are, it would be difficult to comment.  These lies could have been influenced by peers, which is most likely, considering his age (I assume it's a teenager), or they are a means of gaining independence from his overbearing parents.

[vsrinivasa]

The problem began long before his lying.  It's not the son's fault for being afraid of telling the truth to his parents, hence the reason he lies.  He learned long ago that his parents would reject him if he did certain things that they did not approve of so he learned to lie.  That's the reason most people lie, out of fear of rejection.  His parent started it first.  He just reacted to it.

If you accept this explanation, then the problem isn't with the son but with the parents.  The parents will say they were perfect and would never expect such behavior.  But ask any parent if their parents were perfect and the answer will be No.

Without further information about what these lies are, it would be difficult to comment.  These lies could have been influenced by peers, which is most likely, considering his age (I assume it's a teenager), or they are a means of gaining independence from his overbearing parents.

Well said. I have never had to deal with this type of problem before, so I thought I'd ask. But anyway, it seems the general consensus is that it's impossible.

[cmg]

We have accepted schizophrenia as the norm...

Paul

Schizophrenia, as you would indicate in the context of your excellent post, would seem to be a
"duplicitous" stance, or one based on "splitting" one's personality into a duality.  As in: politicians say one thing and do another.

No, schizophrenia is a condition in what happens inside your head does not correspond with what is actually happening outside your head.  Hearing voices that aren't there, and, rarely, seeing things that aren't there.  The schizophrenic is not being duplicitous:  he or she is simply broken off from reality.

Oh, yeah.  How to regain trust?  Give people lots of money.  They'll forgive anything for that!