Mood Swings

[meli]

I have a rather difficult student. On some days, she plays quite well and is very easy to talk to, but on other days, she behaves somewhat opposite & plays terribly e.g. she hates being corrected and will suddenly show her temper by not talking and refuse to play for rest of the lesson!   

A few weeks ago, she played her grd 4 exam piece with mistakes (notes, rhythm etc.) everywhere. It is obvious that she did not practice. She seemed rather annoyed at me telling her what were her mistakes. She then refused to play after that and looked angrily at the keys.  I even said ''I understand you are angry, you can just sit there until end of lesson. I will do other things, let me know when you are ready" Well, she didn't for the rest of the lesson 

Then last week, she was totally different. She played the same piece with focused attention, and even did HT quite steady! Huh? What happened? I was surprised, and praised her. She then said, 'see how good I am? I didn't even practice!' After that, she laughed, and was quite pleasant.  My only worry, is she is doing her grd 4 exam pieces now, and whenever she is in a 'bad mood', she just plays sloppily and DOES NOT want to be corrected. How should I approach or handle such a student? I have taught her for 2 years now, but I notice, I am getting more upset now with her temper tantrums. How can I calmly tell her, this is not acceptable?

[outin]

How old is she?

Unfortunately some people just are like that, have better days and not so good days. It can be caused by anything affecting brain chemistry. Children are less capable of handling (not showing) the mood swings than adults usually.

I have really bad days, especially when I have PMS, but I try to behave with my teacher
I can imagine that a child would not be able to control the temper as much.

Not practicing is another issue...it might not even be true, she might just use it as an excuse because she knows she cannot perform consistently. Sometimes one can practice a lot and not get results and that can be really frustrating...to save face it might be easier to claim that there wasn't enough practice.

[ppianista]

I have really bad days, especially when I have PMS...

Though being male, I recommend lady's mantle (Alchemilla) or - even better - Alpine lady's mantle (Alchemilla alpinus).
 

[the_fervid_pig]

Maybe she's having a bad day, problems at home/school etc. She's probably angry at herself for not being able to get it, rather than you for pointing out her mistakes, which she probably already knows.

[iansinclair]

May I ask how old this girl is?  It matters... since I can think, right off the top of my head, of three possibilities.  As Outin notes, if she's old enough, it could very well be some manifestation of PMS.  Not much one can do about that, really -- except perhaps talk to her (or her mother!) about various possible medications or just helping her figure out how to cope.  Or it could be that there is something in her family or personal situation which makes her have mood swings.  Not unheard of.  Or, particularly if she is a little older, it just might be that she is to some extent bipolar -- and again, some conversation with her (if it seems possible) might tease that out.  There are ways to cope with that, too, at least up to a point.

[hfmadopter]

Depending on age as others are saying, don't rule out other activities outside of piano competing for piano practice time. I know my own daughter keeps her teen age daughters very active with in and out of school activities. The older one holds a part time job and owns a car too, the younger one does dance and lacross. They are both high honors students but the sports and dance and camps and high honors student homework is all very taxing on them and my daughter as well. Very very busy household over there.

 Many kids these days are maxed out on time, not all are like what we read about on the computer ( I.E. lazy, computer nerds and laying around getting fat playing video games, though I know a couple like that as well and worse)..

[slobone]

Sounds to me like this girl has a lot of anger and is taking it out on you -- possibly because she doesn't dare behave like that with her parents and school teachers. She also may be the type of person who gets easily frustrated when she can't do what she wants to do.

I think confronting her is exactly the wrong way to go. What you want to do is get her to open up to you about her feelings about the piano (I'd stay away from problems she's having at home). Become her piano therapist (piano-chiatrist?). Let her lesson be the one place where she knows somebody is on her side and wants to help her with her problems. Make her like you enough to want to work hard for you when she's practicing at home.

Of course you don't want to spend the whole lesson just talking. But when she hits a trouble spot, stop and probe a little deeper into how she feels about what she's doing. (Girls generally love to talk about their feelings, right?) In any event, until she develops a better attitude, none of the technical side of the teaching is going to do much good.

[meli]

Thanks guys for your advice. She is 9 yrs old, a lovely girl but hot tempered. We are like best friends on her 'good days', but I just hate it when she shows her temper by immediately stopping her playing on her 'bad days'. Her 2 sisters are the complete opposite! She is the middle child. I sense a bit of sibling rivalry, she even told me that she 'hates' them. I told her 'hate' is abit too strong of a word! She has other classes too, ballet etc.. so she's swamped.
 
 What worries me is why do I need to stop playing lessons, just because she is in a 'bad mood'?  And with exams preparation, how can she make progress? Ok, I told the mother - she knows of her temper tantrums. I am a bit hesitant to probe or ask why she is behaving like this. Now, if she shows her temper, I will ask her very gently 'You usually play this very well? 'What's the matter? If you don't want to talk about it, its ok, lets do something else then ...' Now if she refuses to do ANYTHING - that's another story. Will also try to er.. be on her side. I was thinking of recording in her note book, something in shortform maybe for each time, '*** not completed due to her not wanting to play.' I just don't want to get blamed for 'lack of progress', that's all.  Is this a good idea?

[outin]

 
 What worries me is why do I need to stop playing lessons, just because she is in a 'bad mood'?  And with exams preparation, how can she make progress? Ok, I told the mother - she knows of her temper tantrums. I am a bit hesitant to probe or ask why she is behaving like this. Now, if she shows her temper, I will ask her very gently 'You usually play this very well? 'What's the matter? If you don't want to talk about it, its ok, lets do something else then ...' Now if she refuses to do ANYTHING - that's another story. Will also try to er.. be on her side. I was thinking of recording in her note book, something in shortform maybe for each time, '*** not completed due to her not wanting to play.' I just don't want to get blamed for 'lack of progress', that's all.  Is this a good idea?

My advice from my own experience as a student: If something does not work out do something else. Do not try to force her to play the piece, but get into something else, another piece, sight reading something completely new, some technical exercise or whatever can spike her interest and curiosity again.

Some people just need diversion when they get frustrated, they cannot be forced.

[hfmadopter]

 What worries me is why do I need to stop playing lessons, just because she is in a 'bad mood'?  And with exams preparation, how can she make progress? Ok, I told the mother - she knows of her temper tantrums. I am a bit hesitant to probe or ask why she is behaving like this. Now, if she shows her temper, I will ask her very gently 'You usually play this very well? 'What's the matter? If you don't want to talk about it, its ok, lets do something else then ...' Now if she refuses to do ANYTHING - that's another story. Will also try to er.. be on her side. I was thinking of recording in her note book, something in shortform maybe for each time, '*** not completed due to her not wanting to play.' I just don't want to get blamed for 'lack of progress', that's all.  Is this a good idea?

What worries me is this needs to be taken care of now before she hits tween years and on into teen years. That's not your job, that's the parents job.

Be careful with changing your teachings methods , adapt some, but she could learn to control the sessions this way. If you keep changing every time she has a bad mood she could very well learn to use that to avoid lessons she doesn't like. Don't underestimate a kids mind ! You need to remain in control.

[keyofc]

I truly believe that if there is not a respect shown by the child to the teacher - they should be dropped.

[outin]

I truly believe that if there is not a respect shown by the child to the teacher - they should be dropped.

This might be rather short-sighted, since talent and "respect shown" do not necessarily go together... And I think there are examples of great artists not being very obedient as young students. IMO respect also needs to be earned, even in an adult/child relationship.
Also "bad" behaviour does not necessarily come from lack of respect at all but rather from inability to control one's actions.
But of course if the teacher is mainly interested in the income and how to make it as easy as possible, then I agree.

[keyofc]

When a 5 year old meets a 50 year old lady - what do you think the lady should do to "earn" respect?  If children do not respect their elders - it is not the job of piano teachers to teach them that.  My job is to teach them music - and to teach them to respect it - and the process of learning.
Trust is something that is earned.  If you had said that - then I'd agree with you.  The child comes to the first lesson without a clue how she/he will be accepted or treated.  Will they be nurtured, screamed at for their mistakes, or helped to overcome them?  Will they be considered important, or will they be considered a  nuisance? 

But respect?  I don't know you - but I respect you.  It's an inherent quality in me; but I guess it's been passed down to me a long time ago.

[outin]

 

But respect?  I don't know you - but I respect you.  It's an inherent quality in me; but I guess it's been passed down to me a long time ago.

It seems we have a different definition of respect here. I have no respect for people I do not know, but I try to treat everyone in a decent manner... But I also was never brought up to respect anyone simply because of their age.

[keyofc]

I guess you're right - our definitions are very different.

And how we are brought up are very different.

I always have felt that not respecting another person means you put yourself above them.
And I was taught to respect my peers.  But a different respect for older people - they have lived longer - they are old enough to be your parents or grandparents. How would you like someone to treat your grandma?

How did you approach your professors or teachers?
How do you even approach your students?

I don't think I'm starting a religious topic - to say many believe we were created in God's image - and thus - should respect each other.

[outin]

I guess you're right - our definitions are very different.

And how we are brought up are very different.

I always have felt that not respecting another person means you put yourself above them.
And I was taught to respect my peers.  But a different respect for older people - they have lived longer - they are old enough to be your parents or grandparents. How would you like someone to treat your grandma?

How did you approach your professors or teachers?
How do you even approach your students?

I think this quote from google is closer to my definition:
"A feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements."
You seem to mean respect more as consideration and good behavior?

Of course everyone should have consideration for other people and behave well and always try their best, but the fact is that young people are not always able to. I don't think anyone should put up with aggressive or uncontrollable behavior on piano lessons, but if the student just refuses to play something I think it would be worth to find out why. After all no real harm is done to the piano or the teacher if the lesson will be payed for anyway. Obviously the girl does practice, if she is able to play the piece on a different occasion. What she needs is help and right kind of motivation. But I am sure some teachers are more prepared than others for "challenging" students as in any other areas of teaching.

[keyofc]

Thanks Outin,

I did not mean we should not try to motivate them and be patient - but if they try to control the situation - and it is plain there is a lack of respect - (I do mean something like cconsideration)
and you can see that they also get away with this all the time with their parents when they pick them up) - then this is a challenge for the parents, not the teacher.

I have had many challenging students - and that doesn't bother me in the least bit.  I always try ways to find their learning style better - and also to see what motivates them to play better.  This is different, as you probably know, for all students.

Of course, everyone has mood swings - and you never know what may have just happened between them and their parents; or someone in school.  Or on facebook, for that matter.

I love the kids - but when respect is absent - which I find is usually present - there's a deeper problem.

That said - I know that many of the problems they face stem from many different reasons.  The idea of perfection - the fragmented focus, due to facebook , and then finding that focus is paramount for learning.  Some of their parents are going through a divorce, and all kinds of things.
We just need a base for communication....

[anakha13]

Hi meli,

I really empathise with you. I had a girl who was about 10 and did the same but I only taught her for a year and her parents dropped out due to financial constraints. On her good days she was fine but on a bad day she was horrible and took it out on me. The last lesson, she actually chucked a huge temper tantrum because I told her that she could not read a certain poem for the Christmas concert as I felt it was inappropriate. I asked her to read another that she had found that was more light hearted, but she flat refused. It was only when her mother arrived that she burst out saying 'MY TEACHER won't let me read THAT POEM!!! After I took the time to research it!!!'

I was so shocked. I told her that I appreciated her looking up the poem, but that my word was final; besides, it was my concert! I wasn't going to let anybody just read anything that they found. I also feel that this was such a small issue and that a 10 year old should not have reacted the way she did.

From reading your post I'd say she definitely has issues she's taking out on you. This isn't fair, but just know it's nothing to do with you. I agree with many posts here that it isn't your job to teach them to respect people; it's just your job to teach them piano. I'd talk to the parents though and get them to sit in on the lesson from time to time.