Girl trouble

[cabbynum]

I'm gonna sound like a hopeless romantic. But I've been dating this amazing girl since November. I love her. That's the truth of it. She loves me, but she also still has strong feelings for her ex. I found out tonight that the two of them hooked up tonight. And that she doesn't wanna leave either of us. I know I should leave her. But I can't get myself to do it.

I didn't realize I could actually care about a person this much. I feel like I've just been hit by a bus.
I can't play more than about 2 lines of music before have to stop.

[rachmaninoff_forever]

...

I can't play more than about 2 lines of music before have to stop.

Okay now that's a problem.

You should be like...

Me or the other guy...  Make your choice by tonight, I'll be waiting at my house.

If she doesn't come, the you're done with her.

[oxy60]

You'll remember this!

My advice would be to do nothing. Just stand by, be cool and don't confront her about her dalliance. Take comfort that he was her ex before and may still return to that status.

[outin]

I assume you are not very old? If you really want to be with her in the future, just let her have both for a while. Ultimately she will make a choice. She might dump both of you, but trying to force her to make a choice now will not work for your advantage. Don't let her know that you are jealous, just make sure you're worth more than the other guy. Girls don't like losers who try to hang on, they like someone with confidence.

[cabbynum]

Thanks guys, I am pretty sure she ultimately wants to be with me, she just can't stay away from him. He was abusive mentally to her and for whatever reason she can't not like him.

She's coming to my concert tonight, and yeah I'm fairly young
17

I'll just wait it out. It isn't the first time. But she was very upset and for whatever reason it upset me more than the last time.

Thank you all!

[Bob]

"still has strong feelings for her ex. I found out tonight that the two of them hooked up tonight."

That's your answer.  Cut her loose.  Otherwise you're always second choice.  You can wait but the result is the same.  The sooner you do it, the better.

[iancollett6]

I know it's probably difficult to accept this at the moment but you just gotta think that if it's meant to be, it will happen.
  I think of all the heartache I went through before I met my wife, and in hindsight, I shouldnt have put myself through it.
 Hang in ther man and stay positive. More importantly, keep playing the piano!! How I wish I could have started at 17!

[timothy42b]

You sound like a really decent kid.

The ex sounds like a jerk.

The girl sounds like she prefers jerks, as some people do to their longterm sorrow. 

I do not think you can change them and they rarely grow out of it.  I would suggest keeping as friendly relations as possible while you look for someone who doesn't fall for jerks.  Friends with benefits seems to be common these days, it was not considered possible when I was your age of course.  I suspect that's the best you'll be able to do with this one. 

[outin]

  I think of all the heartache I went through before I met my wife, and in hindsight, I shouldnt have put myself through it.
 

Maybe you should have...you learned something from it all and can probably appreciate your wife much better with all those experiences

At 17 it's rather unlikely to know enough about oneself or others to build lasting relationships, so as long as the relationship is not abusive I wouldn't demand too much from the other party...And human relationships need practice as well as playing the piano...One might be fine with spending time alone with piano and waiting for the perfect person to appear, but that might never happen. And if it does, one might not be prepared to handle it...

[unholeee]

lol. sounds like my housemate, he walks around the backyard with his phone. his girlfriend knows he looks for other girls but stays with him out of... ''love''. she should just leave him. i think he even has another girlfriend in his own country.

same with a girl i met, her boyfriend started seeing some other girls and she stayed with him...

seriously, find someone else or keep her around long enough to find someone else.

[cabbynum]

After my performance last night I confronted her about it. She said she didn't know what to do. So I told her I was just done with it and that it was unfair and I wanted to be done with it. So I broke it off with her.
Apparently she needed that to realize I was worth more than the other guy. She broke it off with him, she and I blocked his numbe r out of her phone so he can't make contact with her.
He is very abusive and very manipulative, I'm not sure if he isn't actually a psychopath. I'm a tad concerned for her safety from him. So I've told her parents. They are gonna try to keep him away.

Things will be weird between she and I for a bit, but I think we can work through it. If not, I always have my main man's music to play. Playing something deep and dark is usually very therapeutic for me.

[timothy42b]

After my performance last night I confronted her about it. She said she didn't know what to do. So I told her I was just done with it and that it was unfair and I wanted to be done with it. So I broke it off with her.
Apparently she needed that to realize I was worth more than the other guy. She broke it off with him,

You did the right thing........I think...........but I really really hope you're interpreting this correctly.  She's just immature, as are we all at that age, and she's learned something about priorities and treating people right.

I see another possible way to look at it, hope I'm wrong.

Basically you're a nice guy and the ex is a jerk.  She gravitated to him because some girls (and guys) are attracted to jerks, for self destructive reasons.   When you tried to break it off, you were in effect acting like a jerk, and that lured her back.  This cycle will continue, because you aren't the kind to act like a jerk for long.  But others are. 

[oxy60]

After my performance last night I confronted her about it. She said she didn't know what to do. So I told her I was just done with it and that it was unfair and I wanted to be done with it. So I broke it off with her.
Apparently she needed that to realize I was worth more than the other guy. She broke it off with him, she and I blocked his numbe r out of her phone so he can't make contact with her.
He is very abusive and very manipulative, I'm not sure if he isn't actually a psychopath. I'm a tad concerned for her safety from him. So I've told her parents. They are gonna try to keep him away.

Things will be weird between she and I for a bit, but I think we can work through it. If not, I always have my main man's music to play. Playing something deep and dark is usually very therapeutic for me.

Whether they are 17 or 70 women will make weird decisions, often to their detriment. Be ready for it! There is nothing you can do or say to prevent them from taking the wrong path (for themselves).

[cabbynum]

You did the right thing........I think...........but I really really hope you're interpreting this correctly.  She's just immature, as are we all at that age, and she's learned something about priorities and treating people right.

I see another possible way to look at it, hope I'm wrong.

Basically you're a nice guy and the ex is a jerk.  She gravitated to him because some girls (and guys) are attracted to jerks, for self destructive reasons.   When you tried to break it off, you were in effect acting like a jerk, and that lured her back.  This cycle will continue, because you aren't the kind to act like a jerk for long.  But others are. 

I hope you're wrong as well, she is coming over today and we are gonna try and settle things out. I hope it all ends up well. I hope I'm not making a bad decision.

[maul]

Get rid of her. Immediately. For ***'s sake.

[fleetfingers]

She needs more time to know for sure what she wants, and in the meantime, you should keep your distance. Let her know that you love her, but that she needs to figure things out and get some real closure with her ex. I know it's not easy, but it'll be better in the long run.

Definitely don't get back together with her now and work through it. This is all about her feelings for this other guy, not you.

[cabbynum]

So she actually broke it off with me today.
Just a little update for anyone who cared.
If anyone wants more details feel free to PM me all though I can't promise I'll just open up

[senanserat]

Dude going to a concert with that state of mind is a no-no.

Also Rach is right.

[cabbynum]

Dude going to a concert with that state of mind is a no-no.

Also Rach is right.

Haha that was almost a year ago but yeah I should've taken his advice.

Things had been shaky the past couple of weeks anyway.

[senanserat]

Haha that was almost a year ago but yeah I should've taken his advice.

Things had been shaky the past couple of weeks anyway.

How did that concert go anyway?

[starlady]

You're better off without her.

I think Shoot the Pianist has been writing just for you:

https://euge.ca/2014/01/28/silver-lining/

and especially
https://euge.ca/2014/05/03/party/

--s.

[faulty_damper]

Cabbynum,

First of all, you don't love her - you're just infatuated with her.  Love is not an emotion.  Love feels like the way you feel about your mom, not the romanticized version you see in Disney movies.

Second, she doesn't love you nor does it sound like she's infatuated with you.  What it sounds like is that she has emotional needs that cannot be met.

Thirdly, and this is the most important point and relates directly to the second point, we accept what we think we deserve.

Good luck

[cabbynum]

Cabbynum,

First of all, you don't love her - you're just infatuated with her.  Love is not an emotion.  Love feels like the way you feel about your mom, not the romanticized version you see in Disney movies.

Second, she doesn't love you nor does it sound like she's infatuated with you.  What it sounds like is that she has emotional needs that cannot be met.

Thirdly, and this is the most important point and relates directly to the second point, we accept what we think we deserve.

Good luck

Faulty,
This was all from last summer, in America it's about to be summer again.
There were times I truly did love her. There is no need for you to be such a negative nancy.
Towards the end we both drifted more and more apart.
And I became a bit too engrossed in piano...

[gyzzzmo]

Faulty,
This was all from last summer, in America it's about to be summer again.
There were times I truly did love her. There is no need for you to be such a negative nancy.
Towards the end we both drifted more and more apart.
And I became a bit too engrossed in piano...

If its in America, cant you just pay her to love you again? Or pay somebody to kill her ex?

[schwartzer]

Jesus Christ, what the hell is wrong with you guys?

This guy just asked for some advice concerning a girl he likes. I'm 18 too and I can definitely say I know what it's like to love a girl. I guess anyone over 15 does. Now you bring up a topic a year old to post a comment like that? If it's all you have to say, don't say it. Not everyone is a sad little person like you guys seem to be.

[pianoman53]

No, Schwartzer, you don't. You see, Faulty here is an expert. He knows that, because he had a terrible teacher when he was younger. He now knows he had a terrible teacher, learned from it, and became an expert. The same goes for everything, actually.
He probably had a bad relationship in his youth, with his cousin or sister/mother. Instead of being grossed about that, Faulty became an expert in this subject too.

So don't you dare, young man, questioning his authority! If you do, he's simply going to prove to you what an expert he actually is. Not by giving any proof, but by telling you. Since he's an expert in internet, he knows that he's doing it right.

[thalbergmad]

Jesus Christ, what the hell is wrong with you guys?

An excellent title for a new thread.

Thal

[senanserat]

No, Schwartzer, you don't. You see, Faulty here is an expert. He knows that, because he had a terrible teacher when he was younger. He now knows he had a terrible teacher, learned from it, and became an expert. The same goes for everything, actually.
He probably had a bad relationship in his youth, with his cousin or sister/mother. Instead of being grossed about that, Faulty became an expert in this subject too.

So don't you dare, young man, questioning his authority! If you do, he's simply going to prove to you what an expert he actually is. Not by giving any proof, but by telling you. Since he's an expert in internet, he knows that he's doing it right.

I can vouch for his expertise, and you can trust me because I'm a pianist/engineer

[cabbynum]

I can vouch for his expertise, and you can trust me because I'm a pianist/engineer

I can't tell if you're being serious...

[j_menz]

I can't tell if you're being serious...

You need one of these:

[schwartzer]

No, Schwartzer, you don't. You see, Faulty here is an expert. He knows that, because he had a terrible teacher when he was younger. He now knows he had a terrible teacher, learned from it, and became an expert. The same goes for everything, actually.
He probably had a bad relationship in his youth, with his cousin or sister/mother. Instead of being grossed about that, Faulty became an expert in this subject too.

So don't you dare, young man, questioning his authority! If you do, he's simply going to prove to you what an expert he actually is. Not by giving any proof, but by telling you. Since he's an expert in internet, he knows that he's doing it right.

Damn, seems legit. I'm sorry for everything I wrote hehe *sarcasm*

[faulty_damper]

Isn't it funny or ironic how there are certain people who troll around and turns the topic into something else that has nothing to do with this thread and totally derailing it?

Faulty,
This was all from last summer, in America it's about to be summer again.
There were times I truly did love her. There is no need for you to be such a negative nancy.
Towards the end we both drifted more and more apart.
And I became a bit too engrossed in piano...

Infatuation is a very strong emotion that is often confused with love.  The moment you said "there were times..." strongly indicates this.  Infatuation can be seen by outside observers because of certain characteristic behaviors (e.g. lovey-dovey stuff.)  These strong feelings last up to 4 years and a chemical, oxytocin, appears to be the culprit.  Over time, your brain will respond less and less to her by producing less and less oxytocin.

And are you really 17?  Regardless, even middle-aged women who watch too many romance movies confuse infatuation with love because it is labeled "love".  That's like growing up being taught that the sky is polka dot and then someone tells you "it's blue", and yet you insist it's polka dot.  I'm telling you it's not polka dot, it's blue.  You're infatuated with her and do not actually love her.  Although saying, "I love her", sounds a lot better than, "I'm infatuated with her."

Are you really 17?  So you don't have much experience in this area.  With experience, you'll know the difference and with effort, you may be able to exert control over your thoughts and feelings.

[cabbynum]

Isn't it funny or ironic how there are certain people who troll around and turns the topic into something else that has nothing to do with this thread and totally derailing it?

Infatuation is a very strong emotion that is often confused with love.  The moment you said "there were times..." strongly indicates this.  Infatuation can be seen by outside observers because of certain characteristic behaviors (e.g. lovey-dovey stuff.)  These strong feelings last up to 4 years and a chemical, oxytocin, appears to be the culprit.  Over time, your brain will respond less and less to her by producing less and less oxytocin.

And are you really 17?  Regardless, even middle-aged women who watch too many romance movies confuse infatuation with love because it is labeled "love".  That's like growing up being taught that the sky is polka dot and then someone tells you "it's blue", and yet you insist it's polka dot.  I'm telling you it's not polka dot, it's blue.  You're infatuated with her and do not actually love her.  Although saying, "I love her", sounds a lot better than, "I'm infatuated with her."

Are you really 17?  So you don't have much experience in this area.  With experience, you'll know the difference and with effort, you may be able to exert control over your thoughts and feelings.

I am 18 at this point, I say moments because it came and went, but it was never sprinkled about. Poor phrasing on my end. Sorry for that.

My only thing to say to you is that you really need to not jump to conclusions and assume you know everything there is to know on something and then speak about it from your "Higher point of view"
It makes you look bad and stupid. it doesnt make you many friends on here as you have found out. You can say the same thing with different words and no one would be mad. Funny saying my grandpa would say is "A good salesmen can telly you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to it" He didnt make this up but he liked to use it because he believed it worked for way more than just sales. Your end goal should not be to piss someone off or prove you are better than them.
So try telling me the same thing but in a way where the same point is given but it is with lesson venom and less of a "higher than thou" point o view.

[faulty_damper]

I speaking from the perspective of 1) experience, and 2) psychological research.  I studied relationships for many years so what I say is from both 1 and 2.  So if I happen to sound from high above, it's because I can back everything up.  As well, I'm not telling you so that you can dwell on the past but so you can be prepared in the future.  I'm also not here to socialize but to help others out.

[outin]

Since there really is no universal definition of love, I don't see the point of arguing whether someone is/was in love or not. Different fields of science define love in a different way, as do different cultures and individuals.

[outin]

I speaking from the perspective of 1) experience, and 2) psychological research. 

Both of which really are quite narrow views...If you could show us that you do acknowledge the limitations of those viewpoints instead of  giving the impression that you are stating universal scientific truths, you would have much more credibility.

[cabbynum]

Both of which really are quite narrow views...If you could show us that you do acknowledge the limitations of those viewpoints instead of  giving the impression that you are stating universal scientific truths, you would have much more credibility.

+2.7

[senanserat]

Why're we still discussing love or infatuation or lust etc in here? It is completely off topic now, we should be badgering Cabbage here to share the dirty stuff with us.

The whole debate can be settled with one question:

If love is gently wiping créme residue from your cheek, lust is like 'I gonna use you like a fast food napkin' consult your nearest feeling booth and depending on the results arrive at your own conclusion.

[cabbynum]

Why're we still discussing love or infatuation or lust etc in here? It is completely off topic now, we should be badgering Cabbage here to share the dirty stuff with us.

The whole debate can be settled with one question:

If love is gently wiping créme residue from your cheek, lust is like 'I gonna use you like a fast food napkin' consult your nearest feeling booth and depending on the results arrive at your own conclusion.

Funny the only other person to ever call me cabbage is my dad haha

[faulty_damper]

So what happened between the two of you in the year since? 

[cabbynum]

So what happened between the two of you in the year since? 

Lots of things.
I'd prefer not to share because my screen name isn't exactly hiding who I am to anyone who knows me personally. So if she saw this I wouldn't want to say anything mean or give out all the gory details. Because it's just my point of view. And she has her point of view, then there is what actually happened

[faulty_damper]

Your name/nickname is actually Cabby?  Is she also a pianist and a member of this forum?
Was it something you did or something she did?

[cabbynum]

Your name/nickname is actually Cabby?  Is she also a pianist and a member of this forum?
Was it something you did or something she did?

Cab is my initials, Bynum is my last name. So I just shoved the 2 together. We both made some mistakes.
And our interests are simply too different. Towards the end I started to become more and more obsessed with piano and I think that's part of what drove her away.

Also the whole reason I started this thread... Let's just say that wasn't the first nor the last time that guy butt into my life via her.

[pianoman53]

Cab is my initials, Bynum is my last name. So I just shoved the 2 together. We both made some mistakes.

No, sorry. You're wrong again. Faulty said your name is Cabby, therefore, it's Cabby. Welcome to the pianostreet, Cabby Num.
Gosh, at least get your name right!

[cabbynum]

No, sorry. You're wrong again. Faulty said your name is Cabby, therefore, it's Cabby. Welcome to the pianostreet, Cabby Num.
Gosh, at least get your name right!

I am so sorry to have screwed up again!!


All the best

Cabby Num

[faulty_damper]

No, sorry. You're wrong again. Faulty said your name is Cabby, therefore, it's Cabby. Welcome to the pianostreet, Cabby Num.
Gosh, at least get your name right!

Don't be a dick/jerk/*** please.

[cabbynum]

Don't be a dick/jerk/*** please.

I'm honestly confused to why they didn't star out the first two but did star out the last one...

[oxy60]

You'll remember this!

My advice would be to do nothing. Just stand by, be cool and don't confront her about her dalliance. Take comfort that he was her ex before and may still return to that status.

Let me add to be careful about not fall into the trap of becoming like an adviser. Keep up the romantic side.

[gyzzzmo]

Let me add to be careful about not fall into the trap of becoming like an adviser. Keep up the romantic side.

Ok i'll be the advisor: Learn from this one, do it better the next time

(pretty safe advise, isnt it?)

[senanserat]

Funny the only other person to ever call me cabbage is my dad haha

Cabby I...