Don't think: DO

[muleski]

Hi,

I've posted on here previously regarding severe self conciousness whilst playing.  I apologise in advance also, as I admit this is a gripe.

It's a problem for me in all aspects of my life, I don't like crowded places, hate walking into a room etc, so naturally, being watched whilst playing is a nightmare.  My issue is that deep down I would love to be able to play in front of people.  Last time I posted about this, I gratefully received plenty of practical advice.

One thing that was suggested was that I play infront of people more regularly in order to get used to being observed.  So far I had only done that in the house & only infront of family & a couple of friends (not all at once), none of whom play piano.  That was inhibiting enough.  Yesterday, in a good mood, I suggested to a work colleague (who I'm pretty good friends with), to take a walk during the lunch break to the library, where they have an electro-accoustic piano that can be played by members (with headphones of course!).  I thought 'ah, an opportunity to give my inhibitions & insecurities a smashing'.  Unfortunately, the opposite occurred.  I played badly and left there feeling embarassed and thinking my colleague thought I was frankly crap, although they obviously didn't say that & instead praised me (but my playing really was awful). 

I cannot relax when watched, I'm stiff and tense, my hands are cold, even though the weather is hot at the moment..  I could barely bring myself to touch my own piano last night when I got home from work.  I was ashamed, felt utterly useless and as though I'm some sort of deluded fraud. 

It amazes me how anyone can play publicly.. I admire that so much in other people, but the fact that so many people are capable of it makes me feel like a total freak.

Whinge over.

[dima_76557]

My issue is that deep down I would love to be able to play in front of people.

Why? Please be as specific as possible.

Last time I posted about this, I gratefully received plenty of practical advice. One thing that was suggested was that I play infront of people more regularly in order to get used to being observed.

That is NOT the best advice you can get, because that does not solve your underlying problems. If you are really sure about your wish to play for people, then you need a performance coach, I suspect, a person you trust more than yourself, and who is clever enough to find out what exactly is wrong, to open doors for you.

[theholygideons]

ah, the best way to overcome a fear of being judged by others is just to be in the moment.
When you play, don't think about what anyone else around you sees or be distracted by it, just be honest with what you want to express and feel it in the music. Also it's good to start with something loud and fast, so that after the initial uncomfortableness of people watching and the adrenaline rush you can then settle into your playing.

[muleski]

I would just like to feel relatively confident to play in front of people I know, with the extreme of it being able to play at a party or something.  The self conciousness infects every aspect of my life and as much as I'd love to banish it from my playing, I'd love to banish it generally (if I was able to banish it generally, not doubt it would vanish from my playing anyway).  It's a long standing issue for me & I just fear that I'm too old now to unlearn or shed these idiotic thought patterns.  Just knowing they are irrational is not enough to stop them, I know my attitude is destructive to my own confidence (what little there is).

I think along lines that 'if it's not learned to completion or if it IS learned to completion, it must be perfect and mistakes are a no-no'.  I'm aware I'm putting ridiculous and unrealistic pressure on myself from the start (certainly ridiculous when considering just playing in front of family).  If I do play & makes mistakes, there's shouting and swearing at the piano & myself (mistakes are frequent when playing in front of people as my hands are usually shaking).  It's like piano rage & I end up apologising for playing so badly & showing off, face in hands etc.

I know the problem is in my mind, my way of thinking.  When away from the piano I think logically, can see what the issue is, but it's like an outside force possesses me as soon as I'm in the spotlight so to speak & I lose control entirely.  The poor performance that always follows then further dents my self confidence.   See, I pre-dispose myself to being rubbish when observed, it's a vicious circle.  I know all this, yet it goes on & on.

I'm not sure how much a performace coach would cost, it sounds costly, but I can at least make some enquiries, as they must be used to dealing with this issue, so thanks for that!

If it was that easy to 'just be in the moment' I wouldn't have this issue in the first place..  I think this when not at the piano, but as soon as I sit there & know I'm being watched/listened to.. that goes totally out of the window, unfortunately..

Thanks for the replies guys, I think I'll go on a head transplant list. 

[theholygideons]

Don't you want to take a leap of faith?
Or become an old man, filled with regret, waiting to die alone...

[dima_76557]

I would just like to feel relatively confident to play in front of people I know

I understood that, thank you. The question was: Why do you want to play for people? Do you feel you have something to say that way that you cannot say in other ways? Do you expect a kind of recognition that you cannot get otherwise? Can you define exactly what it would add to your life if you would be able to do that? The answer to that question determines to a great extent how far you should go in trying to solve this problem. If you cannot give that answer here, answer those questions at least for yourself.

[muleski]

Don't you want to take a leap of faith?
Or become an old man, filled with regret, waiting to die alone...

I'm afraid of this yes, I thought I was taking a leap of faith yesterday in a way & it fell on it's backside! I'm also a woman, not that that has any bearing on anything anyway (or possibly it does).

I understood that, thank you. The question was: Why do you want to play for people? Do you feel you have something to say that way that you cannot say in other ways? Do you expect a kind of recognition that you cannot get otherwise? Can you define exactly what it would add to your life if you would be able to do that? The answer to that question determines to a great extent how far you should go in trying to solve this problem. If you cannot give that answer here, answer those questions at least for yourself.

Sorry, my misunderstanding.  I suppose the answer runs along the lines of this:
I clearly had a talent for paino as a young child, but was never pushed & was a lazy child who gave it up by about the age of 11.  Prior to this when I was about 9 or 10, a particular incident at school (which to cut a long story short) resulted in me being prevented, by the music teacher, from playing a piece at a special school assembly because I hadn't learned the entire piece & was made to sit in her class to learn the rest of it after she had humiliated me in front of her class for not having done so.  She then approached me at the piano (still surrounded by her gawping pupils), looked at the score and said 'there's no point, just forget it, you can't play it now, like that' and sent me away. 

Bizarrely it may seem, it's only in this last year when I have taken piano back up (after more than 20 years of not playing), that I've realised quite how profoundly this affected me & it seems so obvious now that I want revenge on the teacher for taking something away from me, taking my confidence and a chance to do something I was good at.  What she did made me feel the total opposite.  The piece I'd learned, I'd learned 3 pages of it & it could've passed as it was, the part where I ended off could've been perceived as an end, so it was no big deal really - plus it was a school assembly, hardly a recital... and the only way I can effect this fantasy revenge is to learn something to completion & play it in front of people & play it well!

[dima_76557]

@ muleski

You should stop this revenge thing immediately. It's over, it's in the past. It's old pain that should not confuse the present joy you can have from the instrument and the music. If you are brave enough to talk about it the way you do here, then there is hope for you, but since you are not Charles Bronson, your revenge will only work against you.

Instead, you should concentrate on the POSITIVE things the music and the instrument can bring. Touch the instrument with your fingertips with a loving care. Close your eyes if you dare, and listen to that wonderful sound. Cry if necessary. Don't do to yourself what you have been doing.

A "performance coach" sounds expensive, but it's just a word. It may be a usual person, a friend, not a professional pianist, not necessarily paid, who knows about your history and who is able to think out of the box.

[the_fervid_pig]

Is it possible you could invite a few friends round to do something other than to hear you play piano, a meal or some such, then about halfway through the evening, casually get up, sit and play something short, simple, that you could play in a dark room etc. then sit back down again? That way they're not there to specifically hear you play, and if you don't feel like doing it there's no pressure. It may give you the confidence to do it again with a harder piece.

Had a similar situation with a school music teacher, for one reason or another she refused to let me have guitar lessons at school so I took private ones, learnt a few nice classical pieces then played them in front of the class, it was a wonderful "In yer face" moment

[muleski]

@ muleski

You should stop this revenge thing immediately. It's over, it's in the past. It's old pain that should not confuse the present joy you can have from the instrument and the music. If you are brave enough to talk about it the way you do here, then there is hope for you, but since you are not Charles Bronson, your revenge will only work against you.

Instead, you should concentrate on the POSITIVE things the music and the instrument can bring. Touch the instrument with your fingertips with a loving care. Close your eyes if you dare, and listen to that wonderful sound. Cry if necessary. Don't do to yourself what you have been doing.

A "performance coach" sounds expensive, but it's just a word. It may be a usual person, a friend, not a professional pianist, not necessarily paid, who knows about your history and who is able to think out of the box.

Thanks dima_ogorodnikov, these are all wise words.  I must learn (when I have particular lows like this) to really force myself to be positive, I know that.  I know I am often my own worst enemy & feel pathetic when other people have overcome far greater trials during childhood than having their confidence knocked by a tactless teacher. 

Charles Bronson!  That made me laugh! 

Thanks the_fervid_pig too, I possibly could do that, or just not do it as you say, if I don't feel quite confident enough, though it would more than likely be the result of someone asking 'what can you play, give us a bash'.  Certainly a possibility though.   

[the_fervid_pig]

Charles Bronson?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charles_Bronson_(prisoner)

A man who clearly knows about revenge.

Do you know anyone you could duet with? A teacher maybe?

[dima_76557]

Charles Bronson?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charles_Bronson_(prisoner)

A man who clearly knows about revenge.

No, not that one!

The actor from the "Death Wish" series:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charles_Bronson

[maitea]

Hello

You've already been given wonderful advice, but couldn't resist to write something myself!

Firstly, what you are going through is sadly quite common amongst all sorts of performers (and non performers) but actually there is plenty of literature and coaches of just "people", as Dima suggested, out there who can be of help. Moreover it is something that can be changed, there are many ways to improve on it from all sorts of different angles. I will give you what I think could work, but more than that, I would encourage you to look out and find other ways. From the top of my head I can recommend a wonderful blog: bulletproofmusician.com or The Inner game of Music book. (I have an even better book for my taste, but not translated into English yet, if you speak Spanish let me know.) And there is so much more out there on performance anxiety, not only music related, but for example sports related.

Anyway. Here we go:

You say you "know" that is all in your mind and the way you think, and yet you continue thinking that way. That has to change. And you can change it, none else can. Specifically you mentioned that making mistakes is a "no-no". Whilst none wants to do mistakes, thinking about hitting the write notes when performing just inhibits you more, and you have the "voice" inside you creeping you and telling you all sorts of negative things that will just worsen your playing. Steps to follow. [it would be most beneficial for you to understand why you don't allow yourself to do mistakes, why it is so bad. Why it can't be as it is now. But this is maybe more than I can chew at the moment, so I will keep to specifics]

During practice time (on your own): Anytime you do a mistake, tell yourself IT'S OK. and SMILE. And let go. The next step is of course to look at what you were doing and correct the mistake. (Didn't you know the harmony or the notes? Did you misjudge a leap? etc Be rational and objective. Any thought of "I shouldn't do this mistakes" blabl, forbidden. Don;t allow your mind to walk there) But free yourself from the thought that mistakes are "bad". They tell you where you need to improve. You should be thankful to them. Everyone does mistakes! Is part of the human condition. You really need to accept this.


Secondly, is necessary to understand that when we practice we are "building into" the body and our subconscious all sorts of information that will be retrieved in a performance. However the moment you start judging yourself during a performance you are inhibiting that process is like suddenly you are putting all sorts of obstacles in the way. When you perform you need to listen to the music and let go and let do.Let the music happen from inside you.

It might be that you find switching your inner "voice" very hard, I would suggest to meditate. First 2 minutes, then 5, then 10. Every day to keep a calm and "clean" mind that is able to focus without disturbance at will.

When you perform in front of people try to breath deeply and calmly, and tell yourself that you are going to try to ENJOY playing as much as you possible can! Any second at the piano where we are not committed like that, is time wasted. Don't want to "impress" and don't play to receive compliments, that only sets up expectations and pressure in the wrong places. Play because you love doing it, because the music is so wonderful, and because the physical act of playing the piano is wonderful as well! If a mistake happens, keep breathing, and tell yourself "it's ok" and smile (internally if you are playing a funeral march hehe) and keep doing music.

If you feel you need to go through a more "lengthy" process of getting ready to perform think and do the following:

Choose a note (let's say E,) and a fingering, (let's say 3 rh). Right, now invite your family members (you trust them enough to tell them this is an experiment from a crazy Spanish pianist). Sit at the piano, with full intention. Like in a concert, as a matter of fact get your best shoes and a suitable concert attire. Sit down, breath, feel the space. Feel the audience. Play the note E

two options here

A. You get nervous: Keep playing looooong note E (only E, only 3 finger-or as you have chosen), put the pedal. Listen to the sound. Keep playing the note E until your body is completely relaxed, until you feel you could do this forever and ever even in Carnegie Hall. (Imagine you are in Carnegie Hall). Now, enjoy the power of the sound you are making. When you are very confident you can stop. But now anyhow. As a great concert pianist will do Listen to the silence afterwards. Keep the feeling of security with you. When you perform in future aim to go into this comfort zone mode. After all, playing a piece of music is just having more notes than E, but the principle is the same. You can move your 3rd finger on E, so you can do all sorts of other movements with more practice and you are able to do them in front of and audience.

B You don't get nervous: (And feel this exercise is ridiculous, because of course you can play the note E with the 3rd finger anywhere in the world). Well, there you go, Keep that feeling of security with you.As I wrote above.

I would suggest you increasingly play for your audience harder and harder pieces, but I wouldn't just yet played for them the piece that you just started, or where you still are struggling in some sections during practice. And everytime you sit to perform, think about note E.

Hope it helps a bit!


Ps; Sorry for the long email

[brogers70]

Lots of people have given good advice already. It may be helpful to remember how much people are wrapped up in their own heads most of the time. If the worst comes to the worst and you play for some people and do badly, then 2 minutes after you're done they'll be thinking about something else already. Also, if they say nice things to you about your playing, just take them at face value; don't disparage them as comments made just out of politeness. When I've recorded myself playing, I've sometimes found that I actually sounded better than I remembered. I just gave my first recital and played a Haydn Sonata. I had some egregious wrong notes and a brief memory lapse that was obvious to anyone not asleep. But still, some of it went quite well, so when people complimented me I  just said thank you and didn't worry that they were just being nice.

[dima_76557]

[...](you trust them enough to tell them this is an experiment from a crazy Spanish pianist).[...]

@ muleski

Just in case: Maite is just kidding. She has the power to bring the house down in her concerts. Just do what she says, but skip the "crazy" part.

[hfmadopter]

In the long run it comes down to gaining confidence, the only way to do that is to live it. Keep trying, do little bits at any piano until it starts to come together.

Been there done that , I know how you feel ! The biggest help for me was my piano teachers work shops years ago, where you have to play in front of others. I suggest not trying to play anything to large or complicated, concentrate on making something simpler succeed for you.

[muleski]

Maitea,

Your advice and the advice everyone else here who have commented on this is VERY welcome, I can tell you.  Certainly no need to apologise for the long email!  I almost feel as though I need to just stop.... I know I need to get shot of this notion that everything has to be perfect.  If I was a concert pianist (which I certainly am not), I could myself understand why I think how I do (although the teacher had something to do with it), but I am not a concert pianist.  I'm just a normal person riddled with irrational anxieties and the one place where I would love to just feel free (and when alone, I do), would love to expel these anxieties & just be able to share my love & pleasure of the piano with friends & family, without all this extraneous nonsense. 

Between piano performance issues & other more personal issues/revelations in the last couple of days, I feel I've learned quite a bit about the sources of all my anxieties.  I have a lot of work to do to overcome them, it wont happen overnight, but I really hope I can start to make some progress in getting over this and am very grateful to all the advice offered.  I need to remember that I CAN change my thinking, I made the mistake (yet again) of allowing myself to get in such  a low state, that I was stuck like this & I'm wrong to think I'm too old to change I can see that.

I am going to practise the meditation, the E key that you wrote about, I can see that that could be a way of getting into the performing mindset, without having to sit there & suddenly perform to an unrealistic ideal. A way of easing into my own enjoyment rather than the 'right, play well, or they'll think you're rubbish' sort of thinking that I've been pre-disposed to up 'til now.  I feel such an idiot to have been thinking the way I do & as I said, although I wont be able to suddenly ditch all my anxieties, it is certainly something I can & must work on.  I will also check out those links, the one book though, no I'm afraid I don't speak Spanish, sorry!

Dima, hfmadopter, brogers70, the_fervid-pig, sincere apologies if I've missed anyone out.. All your comments & advice are gratefully received. Thank you all 

[muleski]

hmfadopter - sorry I missed you out!  Thanks for your comments too!

[ssweet06]

ok man.  forget the revenge.  i think everyones said this enough, i don't need to beat it any further, you get it. 

first off.  I registered for this site just to post this.  I was exactly the same way, for different reasons.  When I hit about 19 years old.  I decided it was time to start living my life the way I choose.  seriously tho, i was exactly like you.  you related to me so well, i registered.... and it was a pain in the ass too, for this site lol. 

I'm going to give you the best advice you will ever get.  because its not just me saying, hey change your mindset.  you've already BEEN told that a ZILLION times im sure.   obviously, it doesn't work... easier said than done.  I wont ask to change your mind on anything.  I will show you the actions that will lead UP to those mind changing processes.  Its like unlearning a 30 year old piano habit.  How long do you think that would take to 100% eliminate?  I just want you to do these actions every day.  just like piano, you must do this everyday if you want to get there as quick as possible.  How bad do you want it?  all you have to do, is tell yourself outloud how awesome you are.  but make it a game to be as creatively descriptive as possible.  so if you want to say "im the best mother *** ever!!" i mean go for it.  i wont lie, i've said some interesting things a few times haha but most of the time, i swear... i was just doing it because i know i made that rule... i had to do it everyday.  i'd say it the shower when nobody else but me could hear haha.  you don't need to BELIEVE it.  just DO that action once a day.  eventually, you will understand.  maybe not even a year, but you will indeed get there. 
in addition.  you need to be TRUTHFUL with everyone you speak with.  speak your mind, say what you are thinking.  that doesn't mean be rude or anything.  you can speak your mind about pretty much anything without being rude in my opinion.  so just do that.  if you do these two things, DAILY.  I promise you.  it WILL come.  it might not be next month 6 months and possibly even a year.  But you WILL get to that point if you do this. 
this is what i did.  it took me a year and a half to really feel confident and believe in it as well. 

also i found talking to people and having conversations with them much more fun and engaging than when you are just agreeing or not really saying whats going on in your head.  get out of your head and live in whats surrounding you.  Whenever i didn't want to follow this rule, i always thought to myself.... what is the worst thing that can happen that i need to break my rules?
 (not saying what im thinking). If you see something interesting on a stranger ask them about it!  you'll be surprised the amount of cool people out there.  also surprised by the incredibly weird people you will meet doing this its very interesting tho.  im not saying every little thing you thing of in your head you speak outloud.  but if you are just waiting in a line or you aren't short of time.... make it a point to complete that when the opportunity arises.  again, whats the worst thing that could happen if you make a comment to a random stranger? 

you can do these things.  these are tangible instructions that can get you to where you want to get too.  and they do have positive effects much earlier than when you get to that final point of "you really believe it".  really its just positive affirmation.  if you keep at it long enough, it'll slowly change your thought process. 
remember, you are your most important asset.  take care of yourself, spoil yourself sometimes.  its good for you.   enjoy life.

hope this made sense!

[muleski]

Wow, ssweet06 I can't believe you registered just for this! 

Yes, it does make sense, everything everyone has said makes sense.  I've never tried positive affirmations to be honest.  I will throw that in with meditation, I'm really keen to test all this advice & see if it makes a difference (by all accounts it should). 

Although what I'm about to say is not piano related, it relates directly to the negative thinking style.. My sister is getting married in a fortnight.  My mother is driving me mental because all she can focus on is that she believes she will look hideous in the photos & that the logistics of the day are a nightmare etc (even though it's going to be a very small & quiet wedding).  I've always known she's negative obviously, but at the moment, it's acutely irritating & very unpleasant to be around.  I'm terrified that I'm turning into her as I've learned this way of thinking, having been exposed to it all my life!  I love her dearly, but she's impossible & I MUST MUST MUST unlearn & break from this negative cycle.  Piano & playing for people inevitably got caught up in my general negative thought patterns. 

Last time I posted about this on here, I had advice from people, but at that point, I was trying to resolve the issue specifically to the piano (even though I was aware then that I was generally negative).  When now it's clearer to me that because it's a far more general issue, it's something which needs addressing as a whole, not just in one area.  I've been considering it from the wrong aspect. 

I also felt guilty posting about it (as it was the second time), because really, as I see now.. it's not purely a piano issue. 

So, thank you so much to everyone who's responded, I may be cheeky enough to report in the future with a more positive post! 

[hfmadopter]

Muleski we are here to help it's what the forum is about. Far more helpful posters here than hurt or hateful ones. In piano I tell people who are just starting in to learn piano that they will learn as much about themselves as they will music !! Isn't that the truth, it brings  existing weaknesses to the forefront. We aren't psychologists here we've just been through it too !

Good luck with the wedding, we married off three daughters and two sons and ran a wedding photography business for 15 years. Mothers of the bride are generally the least stable person in the wedding party !!!!!!! They think they are fully in control, some are but most just gum up the works. But they also pay the bill, so understandable they want it right, if they only knew what right was. I've taken literally thousands of wedding pictures, oh they want this and they want that in their photos and in the end they take the exact same photos the wedding before them took, standard formal poses , some candids, a few special shots of floral arrangements and cake shots as fill in photos, a decent sized wall hanger [portrait of the bride or the bride and groom together ( usually just the bride though). You can't tell them that though, it's all special ! And it is I n the respect that it may be a different venue and obviously different people. I had one bride who stated she didn't want posed shots, when she turned in her sheet of shots she wanted their were 39 group photos with about 40 minutes to do them in. All generated by the mom.

You don't have to be like your mother, you now know what it is that you want to be different. Wait till after the wedding when she returns more to normal to fully assess that, she is under extra strain right now. She is in her piano performance sort to speak !!!!!!!!

[muleski]

Muleski we are here to help it's what the forum is about. Far more helpful posters here than hurt or hateful ones. In piano I tell people who are just starting in to learn piano that they will learn as much about themselves as they will music !! Isn't that the truth, it brings  existing weaknesses to the forefront. We aren't psychologists here we've just been through it too !

Thanks hfmadopter!  I totally agree, it's far more than just 'playing an instrument'!  It pulls at all aspects of the self and draws them out.  And people here, including your god self have been very helpful, again, I'm very grateful  .

Yes, she is under pressure at the moment, but she really does fixate on ridiculous notions that don't exist i.e 'oh people will look at the photos & think who's that hideous woman with the awful hair, I'll ruin all the photos just by being in them, I can't wait for it to be over etc' and comments of the like... She really is impossible!  I could've throttled her yesterday!  How did you manage to put up mothers of the bride for 15 years?!  Very well done for that 


Good grief, I hope I can offer some advice to people on here that's been as helpful as the adice I've received!  Thanks everyone! 

[muleski]

Oops, I did all my response within the quote box!   

[maitea]

Piano playing is an extension of who we are.. So it's normal that it reflects the complexity of our emotions. I've felt that the reverse is true too. Things dealt with at the piano reflect on other areas of our life.

I'm by far more patient now in my life than I was ever before, and that is because, thanks to my teacher, I approach my practising in a very meaningful but slow (S L O O O O W) and patient way, step by step. (Very little steps at a time..!) As opposed to the rushed, anxious, it should have been done by yesterday type of working method I had..

Good luck with everything!

[nufan]

I've a similar kind of mind: I dislike crowds, I dislike being surrounded by people I don't trust etc. so playing in public was (and still is) difficult for me.

What I did was playing in front of people I trust (wife, parents, really good friends) to get acquainted to playing in front of other people. In essence, I started playing for people who would never judge me for my playing; every now and then they have criticized my playing, but never me personally. Then, I (very) slowly extended this circle to not so good friends and so on once I felt comfortable.