Yesterday I visited a school out of town where I sang in a competition, and following my audition for that, I went -high on having just performed- and ate some soup from a local market while I watched college-types wander the streets. I then returned to the school, snuck into a practice room and practiced the piano for awhile.
As I made my way to where I was supposed to meet my voice teacher, I walked through the halls of the school where, even though it was nearing 9pm, I could hear musicians practicing and "living" there. In these moments I felt truly alive, fulfilled, and happy, similarly to the very few times I've had similar opportunities to be immersed in music.
I couldn't sleep last night, my voice teacher let me spend the night at her house. I had an air mattress on the floor that took about an hour to fill up, but never got truly full. I was nearly touching the ground through it, and finally fell asleep for almost 3 hours, then woke up at 2:30am and could not go back to sleep. Finally I got up, packed my stuff, snuck out the front door, and drove 3 hours home in the middle of the night, through the rain. I was tired (and not feeling great).
On my way home, I felt grateful for some things that I don't normally think about, like the fact that there were gas stations open at 4 in the morning, as well as a coffee stand. I found myself feeling grateful every time I passed a sign that indicated there were people awake, ready to serve people like me. I thought about my time in Europe two summers ago, my time in Costa Rica last summer, and I felt grateful.
As I drove, it became that time of morning that in the past I often was sitting in an airplane, speeding down the runway to fly to Marik's house for lessons. No words for that. The times when I was able to drive there and spend several days in lessons and practicing between ... no words for that. I thought about that first and second years that I studied with Marik, and the fact that I was able to make any shifting in my life at all that allowed me to practice as much as I did, and take lessons as often as I did. I felt grateful for that time in my life, and considered how things have changed in my life since.
I thought about the first year I started lessons with my in-state teacher. That was an inspired year, but a very difficult year, and the first year of 3 increasingly difficult years (and counting).
I am definitely happiest when I feel a sense of purpose. I am definitely happiest when I have the ability to engage in consistent and focused musical study, when I have an outlet or several outlets to experience my musical study and focus through performance, and land in some environment that supports this (or in an environment that isn't adversely affected by my musical pursuits). For whatever reason, most of my life has not been spent in these ways.
Topic: Are you happy?