Unable to perform

[valentina65]

I learned piano as a child and have been playing as an adult consistently for more than ten years with a teacher. I am certainly no concert pianist but think I can play musically and with decent technical skills. However. I am totally incapable of performing for an audience or even playing for anyone else. Many of my acquaintances, including my work colleagues, don't even know I play the piano.

It is frustrating because I can play a good many beautiful pieces, but I can't share them with anyone.

It's not even nerves - I just become very self-conscious and stumble and play badly and have memory blackouts.

What the hell is going on and how do I fix this? My teacher says I should ask friends around for an informal recital, but I  just don't feel comfortable doing that. I get huge enjoyment out of playing for myself but I feel I have worked hard to get where I am and I would love to be able to "use" my skills.

Has anyone else experienced this?

[thalbergmad]

Has anyone else experienced this?

Yes, I even had to stop lessons as I hated playing in front of my teacher. I would spend hours a week practicing and in that half hour lesson, everything would fall to pieces. Fingers everywhere and mental blocks.

Not everyone is comfortable with playing in front of others. For me, it is too intimate and I would rather run naked through a packed shopping centre than play the piano in front of anyone.

If there is a solution to this, I am damned if I know what it is. I cannot even record something without being self conscious.

Thal

[ahinton]

I do understand this phenomenon well and, although I'm not sure how you should best be advised about it, I suspect that the help that you need to overcome this problem may possibly be found away from the piano and teachers. Do you experience any similar problems with anything else, such as public speaking, talking to small groups of people, &c.? - or is it strictly limited to playing the piano?

What does your teacher have to say about this? Has he/she actively tried to address the problem and help you with it?

If it's any consolation to you. Martha Argerich - hardly an inconsiderable pianist! - has similar problems in performing solo recitals and has quite a record of cancelling concerto appearances (although I think less so with chamber music performances).

I am not a pianist but did take lessons when a student at London's Royal College of Music with an excellent teacher. He told me many useful things during the course of some three years with him.

One of these was that he thought that I'd made emarkable progress during a particular year given that I had no natural talent for playing the piano (that would gravely have upset quite a few people but he would not have said it to me had he thought for a moment that I might misunderstand what he meant).

Another was to urge me always to bear in mind that practising must include an element of performance; "you may be playing to an audience of only one, but that person has bought a ticket to hear you, so you must perform; after all, there's no point in wasting time in practice if you aren't listening!" (or words to that effect).

I wonder if the application of the later of these might help you; if you're OK practising - performing to yourself - then maybe if you think of it as performing to yourself then it might lead to breaking down those barriers to performing in front of others.

Another important thing is to play chamber music, even if only in rehearsal, for then you're playing with others lisening (as you are to them) but without a formal "audience" in front of you.

It's a horrible problem and, in expressing my sympathy with you for it, I wish you well in overcoming it.

Best,

Alistair

[mmm151]

Although you say you don't feel nervous, you are in fact experiencing a form of stage fright which is distracting your focus from giving the performance you intend. Some rare (probably more extroverted) souls can perform without angst or self-consciousness, but most of us mere mortals have to work at it and this is quite normal for the majority of performers.

Firstly, know your piece extremely well, preferably from memory (both mental memory as well as muscular, etc ie almost be able to see the notes and harmonies in your mind's eye). Begin on your own piano with one person present (preferably someone who is non-judgemental) while you perform your piece. Do this regularly - daily, or at least several times per week and be prepared not to achieve your best at first. Keep persevering, though, even if you regard your initial efforts as a failure, because repeated performances in the presence of an audience, large or small, will improve with repeated exposure. Keep repeating the performance before one person until you can play to your satisfaction (meanwhile working on passages during which you continually break down). When you have success with one person in the audience, invite 2 people to hear you play, etc. Eventually, try performing to a small group repeatedly until you iron out all the mishaps.

Be prepared to go backwards sometimes and have faith. It will get better over time. Later, play to a small audience on a different piano at another venue and so on, until you condition yourself to perform as you intend, no matter the circumstances.

Bear in mind that performance is an acquired skill which will diminish if not continually practised. Fear of performing can, for many instrumentalists, be somewhat like a phobia which responds best to confrontational therapy, so the solution is to do it and to do it often. Provided you know your repertoire well, you can learn to perform to your satisfaction by practising it regularly.

Take heart. mmm 151

[valentina65]

Thank you for your advice! It all makes sense, I think it's partly because as an adult amateur pianist I have never been forced to go through the eisteddfod/competition circuit and as a result have never hardened up as a performer.

I once had a dream that I was talking to Barenboim and I mentioned I played the piano and he said oh why don't you play something (ok that would send most people into a cold sweat) but I woke up in terror and my heart was pounding so hard I thought it would leap out of my mouth.

I am two years away from completing a certificate of performance so I keep telling myself when I have done that I will try and do some chamber work. I have a violinist friend I am trying to rope in.

Thal I think you are my soulmate 

[ted]

I am a hopeless performer and play pieces very badly, even by my own standards, in even slightly formal situations. I get anxious and nervous worrying about what people might think. Improvisation not at all. Once I start improvising, after a few minutes I become completely oblivious of people and surroundings, and utterly without nerves. Curiously, I also love the act of recording, which I am told many players loathe, even in private.

Some musicians have told me this is simply because "you can play anything when you improvise". This initially plausible explanation usually evaporates when I ask them to make up something themselves. You get the odd exception, but not often.

So I have just cut the Gordian knot as it were, and solved my issue by eliminating it. I think it stems from my being forced to play in public as a shy child. Pity really.

Sorry, this doesn't help you much, does it.

[ahinton]

I once had a dream that I was talking to Barenboim and I mentioned I played the piano and he said oh why don't you play something (ok that would send most people into a cold sweat) but I woke up in terror and my heart was pounding so hard I thought it would leap out of my mouth.

Supposing he'd said to you "why don't we play something together?" - i.e. four hands at one piano; what then?

I am two years away from completing a certificate of performance so I keep telling myself when I have done that I will try and do some chamber work. I have a violinist friend I am trying to rope in.

It's up to you, of course, but I really wouldn't wait; try to get togeher with, say, some string players and work through some piano trio/quartet/quintet repertoire (it would probably be best in your particular case if there were at least two other players).

Best,

Alistair

[awesom_o]

It's up to you, of course, but I really wouldn't wait;

+1! Don't wait two years before starting chamber music!

Start now!    Piano-four-hands is a great way to begin!

[noambenhamou]

Do some reading about stage freight. You will find out that you are not alone and that will make things better all by itself.

Horowitz had insane stage freight. His wife had to push him onto the stage. He would want to cancel all the time right before the concert started he was so scared.

Rubinstein has similar situation as Horowitz.

Richter I think had such a big memory lapse, he refused to play from memory that day forward.

Algerich has stage fright big time. That's why she only does piano concertos etc... playing with other instruments is safer.

You are not alone! People get through it and get used to it, and they are no different that you

Start by recording yourself and post on youtube

Go find a piano group that plays for each other. I did my first public performance ever. It was in this group.  I was 7th in line. And after I saw every single person from the 6 in front of me make so many bad notes, and so many spills, and memory lapses, I noticed a very funny thing. They didn't die because of it!!! Non of us at the audience walked up and kicked them off the piano hahahaha. So by the time it was my turn, i was much less nervous. My fingers were still shaking real bad, but I took it as an experience to learn how to relax and calm myself during the piece.

Playing alone for self enjoyment is a beautiful, intimate, and meaningful experience. But sharing your music and how you interpret it can be very rewarding in its own special way. I think you desire that aspect, and I wouldn't wait.

Next time I play in public, I will have a memory lapse on purpose, just to prove that nobody will try to kill me hahahaha.

[mjames]

man up

[michaeljames]

My nerves get the best of me, too, unless I am playing for my father, who is my biggest supporter.  I relate to the poster who spoke about not playing well for their teacher/coach.  I can play a piece mistake free all week, and my teacher arrives and I feel like I've never seen the piece before! (That may be a bit of an exaggeration, but not much).

And I used to perform for live audiences a LOT.

I also relate to Thal in that the simple act of recording...pushing "Record" on my Zoom! HD microphone....tightens me up and I play dreadfully! 

I hope someone is able to help us! I feel your pain.

[kalirren]

My advice would be to learn some preludes by heart.  Preludes are wonderful pieces - they tend to be relatively easy, and great for establishing that initial relationship between you and your audience that they are listening to you, and that by listening they are enjoying with you what you are sharing with them.

This dynamic transfers throughout an entire performance.  If you know a few preludes intimately, and can reliably preface your playing with one, once you start actually playing the pieces you're interested in performing, your audience will not be judging you so much as they will want you to succeed.  I know I can't possibly be alone in needing that supportive environment (or an illusion of one, at least) and I'm glad I found a way to help create one for myself in a performance context.

[j_menz]

 Preludes are wonderful pieces - they tend to be relatively easy, and great for establishing that initial relationship between you and your audience that they are listening to you, and that by listening they are enjoying with you what you are sharing with them.

And the prize for gross overgeneralisation of the month goes to.......

Whilst that may be true of some Preludes, I suspect that would be quite a minority. And would be equally true of any number of pieces that aren't Preludes.

[kalirren]

*sigh* I didn't mean Preludes, named as such with a capital P.

If it makes it any clearer, my advice is to learn (or choose) some pieces that you can use as preludes.

[j_menz]

*sigh* I didn't mean Preludes, named as such with a capital P.

If it makes it any clearer, my advice is to learn (or choose) some pieces that you can use as preludes.

It would help if you stuck to what words mean.

If you mean one should start with a relatively short crowd-pleaser that is technically on the easier side, then I agree.

[kalirren]

It would help if you stuck to what words mean.

Well, I thought that's exactly what I was doing when I used the word "prelude" to refer to a piece, usually short, played at the beginning of a set to introduce what follows.  I apologize if my incidental capitalization of the word created ambiguity.

Anyhow, we're agreeing.   

[timothy42b]

Pick performance venues where you can get away with playing badly.

Then, give yourself permission to play badly.

Part of this problem is often the insistence on playing perfectly. 

What happens if you play for a kindergarten class?  or the cherub choir at your church? 

What happens if you play I-IV-I-V-I-IV-V-I in close position while somebody sings the blues?  Just pounding out half note chords?  When you both disappear into the background AND can make mistakes does it get easier?

And.........i shouldn't ask this, but.............why can you play at all when alone?  Aren't YOU listening? 

[zillybug]

Oh yes, I have definitely experienced it. I started taking lessons and playing again as an adult 3 yeas ago. At first, I couldn't even play in front of my teacher. I was his first lesson of the day and I would be there practicing before my lesson. Fortunately he would often listen outside the door before he came in or I'm  sure he would have thought that I was not practicing while I was practicing 2 or more hours a day. He would come in and say it sounded great when I was out in the hall but it all falls apart when I come in. That has gotten better.  I would also recommend playing in your home for just one friend at first and building it up from there. My teacher was always telling me to practice performing for anyone I could get to listen.  When he told me to go play in the store where I bought my piano, it took me a month to have the courage to do it especially as the store is in a mall .I also love to play but play the best when it's just the cats and me. I am getting  better when it is a more informal situation. Last year, at the adult recital,  I messed up and forgot part of the piece during the recital. A friend came late and had missed my piece so I played it and another one for her with no problem while everyone else was eating and talking. When its a formal setting and all the people are lined up in chairs and all the attention is on me, I can't do it. I do play some piano 4 hands with a friend who takes lessons from the same teacher. We have our lessons back to back so he can work with both of us at times. Two years ago I thought it was getting a little better but last year it was worse again. I wish  I had an answer for you. I also take a class with 4 other adult students in addition to my private lesson and I did it in hopes that it would help me as you have to play in front of others in the class. These things have all helped somewhat but not when it is a formal setting. In answer to someone else's question, I only have this problem with the piano. I do regular trainings for my job where I have to speak in front of a room full of people and that is fine. In the past I have also danced and skated in front of others without a problem.
Judy

[sucom]

Reading the posts in this thread has made me quite thoughtful because I have some students whose pieces fall apart when playing them in their lesson but who tell me they could play them perfectly before they arrived at their lesson.  And all the time I'm thinking, yeah, yeah.... 

I know that nerves can play havoc though.  Sometimes when I record a piece at home I make the silliest mistake, something I've never done before, and I think to myself "Why did I just do that?  I've never done that before!"  But I've found that recording while I'm practising helps to take away that fear of making a mistake when doing a final recording. I think it is the fear of making even just one mistake which stresses someone out.  So therefore, perhaps it's necessary to not fear making a mistake.  Mistakes show that you're human.  Perhaps, instead, one should concentrate on how to continue on AFTER a mistake has been made without losing it completely.  So often, just one error causes enough self confidence to be lost which begins a downward spiral of mistakes, resulting in defeat.  I do remember during one concert, I played some semiquavers belonging to the ending of a second section instead of the first and the conductor's eyes met mine over the top of the piano with one slightly raised eyebrow.    Being able to keep calm in these situations meant that no-one else noticed.  So learning how to keep going no matter what is helpful in reducing nerves.

Being fully prepared is another important issue.  If there is anything in a piece which you think just might go wrong, then work harder at it until that section is as easy to play as the easier sections.  Having confidence within yourself that you can easily play this piece goes a long way towards boosting confidence.

One suggestion I might offer is to play in the background whenever you can, when no-one is really listening fully to what you are doing.  I've never really minded too much playing in front of one person; a whole audience is much more intimidating so I used to imagine that each member of the audience was coming in individually to listen.  That used to help me quite a lot.  And when I sat down to play, I used to imagine myself back at home, practising the piece in an empty room.

Basically I think it's all about practice.  Practice playing in front of other people and practice a piece until you really, really know it inside out.  And learn how to recover from mistakes by picking up a piece from any point in the music.

[michaeljames]

Reading the posts in this thread has made me quite thoughtful because I have some students whose pieces fall apart when playing them in their lesson but who tell me they could play them perfectly before they arrived at their lesson.  And all the time I'm thinking, yeah, yeah....

I'm glad you can now believe your students! haha

My teacher comes to my home (I have two concert grand pianos and we enjoy playing together)so she's heard me at my best and also at my worst.  But she knows that I play every night for several hours and I work very hard on my assigned pieces. 

[minimax]

What the hell is going on and how do I fix this?

Nobody but You can answer that question. You have to become a detective and find the answer. There only place you will find it, is in YOU. It is not that complicated. I will explain.

There are thoughts with connected feelings (energy) in your memory, that are triggered every time a situation is similar to the one, in which they were first time created.  In subsequent times, where situation was repeated, You were adding to that energy, by just allowing yourself to be taken by the feeling. That energy is stored in the body and produces your symptoms: “I just become very self-conscious and stumble and play badly and have memory blackouts”. Upon understanding the process or sometimes only after partially releasing that energy - all symptoms will disappear. You have to find out what thoughts and feelings are in IT.

How?

The best time to do it is when you are more relaxed and your mind is not “busy”.

Think of a specific situation where problem occurred. Become aware of details.
Ask Yourself these, or similar questions and pay attention to the first thought that comes (do not let the mind start a story – if it happens just disregard it):

(list of the feelings:  apathy, grief, fear, lust, anger, pride, courageousness, acceptance, peace)

What is the feeling that starts my symptoms? or
Is fear causing (name the symptoms)?
Is (put the feeling from the list) causing (memory blackouts)?
When was the first time it happened?
Do I run away from (put the one that came in previous questions) feeling when situation arises?
What I am afraid of?

When you get an answer just say “I want to let go of that felling and all connected with it thoughts”. (You can say it in different way)
Be creative and curious at the same time. Google your mind. It will give you the answers. (That way you will understand how it happens. When you see how it works - you will loose fear of it)
You do not need anybody else to fix the problem for you. You have the power to do it.

The other way to try to fix it, is to create a situation (ask someone you trust, in whose presence  symptoms will appear, to come over) and try to play. You may not even start playing. What matters is to bring the feelings to surface – and stop on that. Just stay present observing it.It is good to name the feeling (see list above) - to recognize it. Say to yourself in your mind: “I allow that (name it) feeling to be where it is” (repeat it many times or your mind will try to suppress the feeling) And watch IT, try to locate it in a body (head, hands, chest?). By allowing it and at the same time observing it – you will start a process of letting it go.  If you need, recreate the situation as many times as the feeling is present, and repeat the procedure.


P.S. I had panic attacks for years, that forced me to sit in front of ER at 3 AM waiting for “a coming hard attack” that never materialized. You do not what to know how horrible the feeling was. All gone with no medication – just by applying the method I gave you.

[outin]

I think it is the fear of making even just one mistake which stresses someone out. 

It doesn't even have to be about fear. Perfectionism is good when practicing, but bad when performing. Unfortunately if one has a perfectionist personality, it's quite hard to let it go. I lose my concentration on the music every time something isn't exactly how I wanted it to be and so far I haven't been able to recover as fast as I would like. Happens at home as well, which makes recording very difficult.

On my last lesson everything was going really well until I played a piano key that was just slightly out of tune (I guess I have too good of an ear for my own good). That "broke" the music in my head completely and the rest of the piece was just a play through...When finishing the piece becomes a priority nothing much can come out of it. I actually prefer to stop, that would be fair to the people listening as well. Not all of us are meant to perform I guess...

[loydb]

Work on it progressively.

You've said recording makes you nervous, so start with audio recording every practice session.

Once you have gotten the hang of working with audio recording, change it to video recording if you have the ability. In the best case, your desensitization from audio recording will carry over and it will be no big deal. Regardless, continue to do it until it becomes no big deal.

Once it has become no big deal, at the end of a week, pick your best session and upload it to youtube. Turn off comments if you wish to avoid trolls. If not, enjoy the thickening of your skin.

For the next week, practice with the idea that *one* of these is for sure going up on Youtube. Post, wash, rinse, repeat.

The next part will require a good friend . Have someone sit in the same room and read while you practice. Explain to them that, hey, I'm practicing, so none of this is going to be any good. They are now expecting errors.

Get comfortable with that. After you're used to it, when they sit down to listen, without telling them, start performing rather than practicing. If you mess up, they assume you're practicing...

Eventually, you tell the watcher I'd like to play this piece for you. Then you do it.

Once you are used to playing for one person, you will be well on your way to being able to play for more. Gradual desensitization.

Hope that helps some, and good luck.