Bob's thread, AKA Bob's secret underground lair...

[Bob]

My smileys...



(booming voice)  Who has bumped my thread from the depths of the pf site?!!  Who dares to tread upon my thread?




Before you pass, you answer me these questions three... :p
(see deep questions part)




May 29, 2007  6,101 views.
June 13, 2005  2489 views... whoa...



Welcome to Bob's secret underground lair!  oooooo...


Hello you!  I didn't think people were poking around down here lately.




another outpost created...  I should store them all here...


ultimately..
https://pianoforum.net/smf/index.php/topic,7841.0.html   the edge for getting there
https://pianoforum.net/smf/index.php/topic,7840.0.html   into the expression of music

https://pianoforum.net/smf/index.php/topic,7810.0.html   more on Bernard's planning of literature

check out eventually...
Paul does the bernhard method  , search "bernhard" method
https://pianoforum.net/smf/index.php/topic,4858.0.html
https://pianoforum.net/smf/index.php/topic,3039.msg26535.html#msg26535  big hands
https://pianoforum.net/smf/index.php/topic,5767.msg56133.html#msg56133  the list

Music Theory Care Forum outpost
https://www.musictheorycafe.com/forum/viewtopic.php?p=179#179


https://pianoforum.net/smf/index.php/topic,5441.0.html

Do geese see god?  Delia failed!    Derek, I like red!  Don't nod.    Bob

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"I claim this thread in the name of Bob!"  (posts special Bob flag into the ground of this thread.   

Wow!  This thread has been read 777 times.  Wonder if that number is significant.


Now it's over 1,000 views.... (Suddenly feels very self-conscious)
Or!...  Maybe I went to my own thread 1,000 times.... and the rest were just accidental clicks by other people...   Here's to 2,000 reads!  Cheers!

February 20th, 2005.... 1,330 reads...
Feb 26.... 1,355...
Feb 28.... 1,361...   a couple a day I guess...
Why is this thread a "secret" you ask?  Because it falls into the depths of the pf site.  I found I can "modify" the "post" (with a "laser"    ) and it doesn't rise back to the top.  Pretty interesting, huh?  Makes you wonder what might be going on somewhere in the belly of the pf site, doesn't it?  (yeah, me neither  )  Anyway, I thought this was a good place to store my pf activities, any information I wanted available to myself while on the pf site and if others want to benefit from my notes, be my guest.  I hope it's helpful to someone else.

This modification will also not appear in the most recent posts. ooo...... I find it amusing.
---------------------------------------------
Bob's big project


>Review your own threads
>Mirror threads in pw, possibly in other forums

>>>Hey Bob! A search in pf and pw is appropriate for this stuff (Search discovered related topics)

How to Teach Yourself, at pf and pw
https://pianoforum.net/smf/index.php/topic,5998.0.html   
https://www.pianoworld.com/ubb/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?/topic/2/6630/2.html 

Teaching yourself -- threads to explore
>>> remember that 4 thread summary!
>>> https://www.sinerj.org/~loyer/PianoBook/piano-practice-a4-10pt.pdf
>>> https://pianoforum.net/smf/index.php/topic,5975.msg59523.html#msg59523


How to practice literature, at pf and pw
https://pianoforum.net/smf/index.php?topic=5989
https://www.pianoworld.com/ubb/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?/topic/2/6648.html

Technique -- Solved!    (It only took 10 years....)
or not...   https://pianoforum.net/smf/index.php?topic=6997 physical edge push

What does it mean to "know" a piece?
https://pianoforum.net/smf/index.php?topic=6077
https://www.pianoworld.com/ubb/ubb/ultimatebb.php?/topic/2/6678.html#000001
Bernhard says, Ralph Kirkpatrick pretty much answered this question in his preface to his edition of Scarlati sonatas for Schirmer. Have a look


"mastering" a piece thread
>https://pianoforum.net/smf/index.php?topic=6099


m1469's links on "knowing/mastering" a piece
https://www.pianostreet.com/smf/index.php/topic,4105.msg38583.html#msg38583
(the 3 stages of mastery)

https://pianoforum.net/smf/index.php/topic,4168.msg38569.html#msg38569
(Keeping pieces polished – learn/forget/relearn)

https://pianoforum.net/smf/index.php/topic,2599.msg22431.html#msg22431
(How long does it all take? – several interesting posts: self-taught students, the cake analogy, criticism of ABRSM for expecting people to reach grade 8 in 10 years, learning is not gradual and comparisom to reading, different ways of learning, the dispersive method of teaching, and a 15 list to “disperse” learning).

https://pianoforum.net/smf/index.php/topic,5701.msg55639.html#msg55639
(3 principles of super efficient/fast learning)













self taught pianist thread to look at for useful things...
>https://pianoforum.net/smf/index.php/topic,5857.0.html


Technique v. Literature (again)
https://pianoforum.net/smf/index.php/topic,6246.0.html
https://www.pianoworld.com/ubb/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?/topic/2/6771.html

The original one... Aw, how cute!...
https://pianoforum.net/smf/index.php/topic,2429.0.html

Technique atrophying
https://pianoforum.net/smf/index.php/board,1/topic,7169.2.html#msg71409



Best use of daily routine.  A routine doesn't seem to be a 'piano' thing.
https://pianoforum.net/smf/index.php?topic=3981.msg36102#msg36102

how studying other areas of music can help your piano playing
https://pianoforum.net/smf/index.php/topic,7016.0.html


brutal piano pieces
https://pianoforum.net/smf/index.php?topic=5653


Bob searches for blogs...
https://pianoforum.net/smf/index.php/topic,7049.0.html

Digesting information... Burp!
https://pianoforum.net/smf/index.php/board,6/topic,7171.0.html#msg71408
----------------------------------------
=========================
Threads I want to read more later on.  Read and delete from here.

>Check for anything you missed on your own threads!

There are many threads in the forum dealing with this subject. Here are some you may find interesting:

https://pianoforum.net/smf/index.php/topic,2115.msg17860.html#msg17860
(advantages of a teacher)

https://pianoforum.net/smf/index.php/topic,2749.msg23873.html#msg23873
(self-teaching – the pitfalls)

https://pianoforum.net/smf/index.php/topic,2906.msg25591.html#msg25591
(How to organise a lesson syllabus)

                                                     

"Aw, smileys!!!!  Stop that!!!!... You leave them alone in dark areas of the forum.... *shakes
head*  Stop it already smileys!  Stop it already!  I don't think they're listening to me."



https://pianoforum.net/smf/index.php/topic,2970.msg25991.html#msg25991
(Areas of study for a complete music syllabus – books for each area)

https://pianoforum.net/smf/index.php/topic,5569.msg53917.html#msg53917
(when are you ready to be without a teacher – roles of the teacher)

https://pianoforum.net/smf/index.php/topic,5998.msg61338.html#msg61338
(how to teach yourself)

https://pianoforum.net/smf/index.php/topic,5975.msg59523.html#msg59523

Finally have a look at the links in this thread:

https://pianoforum.net/smf/index.php/topic,5767.msg56160.html#msg56160


-----------------------------------------------

cziffra tries out thread buttons
https://pianoforum.net/smf/index.php/topic,1997.0.html

new pf index -- Let me know if you find that original one
https://pianoforum.net/smf/index.php/topic,6106.0.html

Bob's voyage to "the other side"
https://www.pianoworld.com/ubb/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?/topic/10/7553.html

How to search the pf site:
https://pianoforum.net/smf/index.php/topic,5681.0.html -- use period as search word

How to use pf site:   ... some scary stuff in this thread....
https://pianoforum.net/smf/index.php/topic,5255.0.html

... related to using the pf site...
https://pianoforum.net/smf/index.php?topic=6973

The Roll up piano thread:
https://pianoforum.net/smf/index.php/topic,5706.0.html

hehehe.... You can modify posts and the thread doesn't rise to the top!

Bernhard's very complete list of threads
https://pianoforum.net/smf/index.php/topic,5767.msg56296/topicseen.html#msg56296

Bob's pet project -- recruiting pf member
https://pianoforum.net/smf/index.php/topic,5449.0.html

Tiny Ice Skating rink (the new "snail" of 2005?)
https://pianoforum.net/smf/index.php/topic,5793.0.html

The ever popular Snail Race!  (audience applauds)
https://pianoforum.net/smf/index.php/topic,4751.100.html

Solving the mystery of notifications
https://pianoforum.net/smf/index.php/topic,5294

I'll stash my old signature lines here...
Bob the Mystic offers you an 8 ball... _@/_@/_@/ https://www.indra.com/8ball/front.html \@_\@_\@_

\@_ ""Sing, Singa Song!  Make it simple to last your whole life long! La lala laluh... "

Would anyone like a double entrada?  Offers you one.
Faster, higher, better... What else?  Carpe deum!
Master of the snails
Be glad you don't have this snail's job!
Snail creator
"I really can't say exactly how.  The snails just seem to appear complete in my mind.  It's innate."
Today's snails are racing to ____ piece of music.
There's nothing like sheer laziness to stimulate creative thinking.
_ _ _ _ _  )     )     )     "Yee-haw!"
"Ha cha cha cha!"
Wonders if Tash enjoys the slime trails while following snails.
(sings)    "Roll Out Piano!...   Roll out the black and white keys!      Roll Out Piano!...    I want my money back please!"
"Yip! Yip! Yip!                                                                                   \@_\@_\@_ "Grrr!"   
Tributes/hommage to Mahler, which looked a lot like the ambassador one...
\@_\@_ Self-proclaimed ambassador of the Piano Forum \@_\@_\@_ (when I have time)
It wasn't me... It was the dog.
>Blues snail

\@_ "Moo?"                                                       \@_ "Moo!" )  )  )

   and with a ? . !    (excited, angry, etc.)

\@_    hehehe                           \@_ ) ) )       Happy Valentine's Day!

"There's no need for me to comment now because Bernhard has summarised what I would have said."  (quote from Ted on https://www.pianoforum.net/smf/index.php/topic,8332.new.html#new  'Who is the most essential' thread of m1469)


Don't try to bend the spoon.That's impossible...There is no spoon. It's then you realize that it's not the spoon that bends but rather your mind.

 

[Bob]

(Testing...)

Very nice thread you have here.  Very nice indeed.  Well done!






Deep Questions 
If you can answer these questions you've probably grasped the meaning of life.
1 Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

2 Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

3 Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

4 Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

5 Why do they use sterilised needles for death by lethal injection?

6 Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

7 Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a gun at him?

8 Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

9 Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

10 What is the speed of darkness?

11 Are there specially reserved parking spaces for non-disabled people at The Special Olympics?

12 If you send someone 'Styrofoam', how do you pack it?

13 If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

14 If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

15 If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?

16 Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

17 If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?

18 Can you cry under water?

19 What level of importance must a person have, before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

20 If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

21 Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

22 How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on bigger suitcases?

23 Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up, like, every two hours?

24 If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

25 Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

26 Why do doctors, when they ask you to strip, leave the room or close the cubicle curtain while you change? ............ they're still going to see you naked anyway.

(Stolen from https://www.itcanwait.com/content/view/42/1/     )


Deep Questions Of Life

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
How can there be self-help groups?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?
If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?
When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why isn't there a mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
(Stolen from   https://www.autographsystems.com/humor/DeepQuestions.html   )

Deep Questions of Life
What hair color do bald men have on their drivers' license?
Why are they called apartments if they're next to each other?
Why is a driveway something you park in and a parkway something you drive on?
Why is it called a flashlight when the light stays on?
What would chairs look like if our knees bent the other way?
After Y2K will there by Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak?
Why is a package sent by car a shipment and a package sent by ship cargo?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
If fire-fighters fight fire and crime-fighters fight crime, what do freedom-fighters fight?
If con is the opposite of pro, is congress against progress?
If drumstricks are used to play drums, what are breadsticks used to play? What about drum-rolls?
If tin whistles are made of tin, what are fog horns made of?
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Does killing time damage eternity?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?
Day light savings time-why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
Do pilots take crash-courses?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How can there be self-help "groups"?
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his walkman?
If blind people where dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
If cats and dogs didn't have fur, would we still pet them?
If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
If swimming is good for your shape, then why do whales look the way they do?
If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
Why do they call it chili if it's hot?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lot?
It's hard to understand how a cemetary raised it's burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
It's true that you can't have everything. Where would you put it?
A bus station is where a bus stops, a train station is where a train stops, on my desk I have a work station....
What if the hokey pokey is really what it's all about?
If vegetable oil is made of vegetables, what i baby oil made from?
If someone has multiple personalities and threatens to kill herself/himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If the folks at the psychic hotlines were really psychic, wouldn't they call you first?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?
If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong?
If you spend your day doing nothing, how do you know when you're done?
If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?
If you take a shower, where do you put it?
If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia can you read correctly?
If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?
(Stolen from this site... https://www.acsu.buffalo.edu/~sjscull/questions.html   )

[julie391]

lol, bob - you are rather insane arent you! (in a good way )

i wonder if you have been warned by the administrator yet

[Bob]

Yes, I just read your post.  I didn't know it was wrong to post useless stuff.  It amuses me, but it never crossed my mind it was against the rules.  I'm still not sure it is.  I keep it all in the "anything but piano area."  I haven't had any contact from a moderator about it.  I always thought the main forum areas were unmoderated and the only moderated part was the pf site comment area. 

Comme le vent showed that Nilsjohan will come out and erase anything obscene though, so it's not totally unprotected.

-----------------------------------  

DEEP THOUGHTS
by Jack Handey
(Quotes from Saturday Night Live)
I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary.

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.

Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.

If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.

As a young boy, when you get splashed by a mud puddle on the way to school, you wonder if you should go home and change, but be late for school, or go to school the way you are; dirty and soaking wet. Well, while he tried to decide, I drove by and splashed him again.

If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting the vulture.

Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?

I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.

If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.

One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a wooden stake.

If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not.

There's nothing so tragic as seeing a family pulled apart by something as simple as a pack of wolves.

Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.

For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?

If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing, I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly act surprised. "Wait a minute! I thought we won!"

Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.

I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back.

I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures. They're sort of like dogs. Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark instead of fur.

Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that's my point.

I bet for an Indian, shooting an old fat pioneer woman in the back with an arrow, and she fires her shotgun into the ground as she falls over, is like the top thing you can do.

Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be noticed, and maybe, in some small way, they will be acknowledged as the greatest works of genius ever created by Man.

I have to laugh when I think of the first cigar, because it was probably just a bunch of rolled-up tobacco leaves.

If you're ever shipwrecked on a tropical island and you don't know how to speak the natives' language, just say "Poppy-oomy." I bet it means something.

Too bad Lassie didn't know how to ice skate, because then if she was in Holland on vacation in winter and someone said "Lassie, go skate for help," she could do it.

If you want to be the most popular person in your class, whenever the professor pauses in his lecture, just let out a big snort and say "How do you figger that!" real loud. Then lean back and sort of smirk.

I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just walk around being real happy until some jerk says something stupid to me.

I think college administrators should encourage students to urinate on walls and bushes, because then when students from another college come sniffing around, they'll know this is someone else's territory.

He was the kind of man who was not ashamed to show affection. I guess that's what I hated about him.

If they have moving sidewalks in the future, when you get on them, I think you should have to assume sort of a walking shape so as not to frighten the dogs.

Whenever I hear the sparrow chirping, watch the woodpecker chirp, catch a chirping trout, or listen to the sad howl of the chirp rat, I think: Oh boy! I'm going insane again.

It's fascinating to think that all around us there's an invisible world we can't even see. I'm speaking, of course, of the World of the Invisible Scary Skeletons.

The land that had nourished him and had borne him fruit now turned against him and called him a fruit. Man, I hate land like that.

I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black Death.

Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail.

Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants.

I think the monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they can't hypnotize you.

The difference between a man and a boy is, a boy wants to grow up to be a fireman, but a man wants to grow up to be a giant monster fireman.

I guess more bad things have been done in the name of progress than any other. I myself have been guilty of this. When I was a teenager, I stole a car and drove it out into the desert and set it on fire. When the police showed up, I just shrugged and said, "Hey, progress." Boy, did I have a lot to learn.

It's amazing to me that one of the world's most feared diseases would be carried by one of the world's smallest animals: the real tiny dog.

When the chairman introduced the guest speaker as a former illegal alien, I got up from my chair and yelled, "What's the matter, no jobs on Mars?" When no one laughed, I was real embarrassed. I don't think people should make you feel that way.

Marta was watching the football game with me when she said, "You know, most of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its territory from invasion by another group." "Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh. Girls are funny.

I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins.

Here's a good trick: Get a job as a judge at the Olympics. Then, if some guy sets a world record, pretend that you didn't see it and go, "Okay, is everybody ready to start now?".

If you go to a party, and you want to be the popular one at the party, do this: Wait until no one is looking, then kick a burning log out of the fireplace onto the carpet. Then jump on top of it with your body and yell, "Log o' fire! Log o' fire!" I've never done this, but I think it'd work.

Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder. But not any man is capable of being a good camper. So, murder and camping are not as similar as you might think.

Laugh, clown, laugh. This is what I tell myself whenever I dress up like Bozo.

In some places it's known as a tornado. In others, a cyclone. And in still others, the Idiot's Merry-go-round. But around here they'll always be known as screw-boys.

Folks still remember the day ole Bob Riley came bouncing down that dirt road in his pickup. Pretty soon, it was bouncing higher and higher. The tires popped, and the shocks broke, but that truck kept bouncing. Some say it bounced clean over the moon, but whoever says that is a *** liar.

Tonight, when we were eating dinner, Marta said something that really knocked me for a loop. She said, "I love carrots." "Good," I said as I gritted my teeth real hard. "Then maybe you and carrots would like to go into the bedroom and have sex!" They didn't, but maybe they will sometime, and I can watch.

I hate it when people say somebody has a "speech impediment", even if he does, because it could hurt his feelings. So instead, I call it a "speech improvement", and I go up to the guy and say, "Hey, Bob, I like your speech improvement." I think this makes him feel better.

Anybody who has an identity problem had better wise up and get with the program!

I think there should be something in science called the "reindeer effect." I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer effect."

If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way.

If there was a terrible storm outside, but somehow this dog lived through the storm, and he showed up at your door when the storm was finally over, I think a good name for him would be Carl.

Of all the tall tales, I think my favorite is the one about Eli Whitney and the interchangeable parts.

If Alien was my friend, I'd like to be with him when he went to the dentist. When they started drilling, he'd probably go nuts and start eating everybody. That Alien!

I bet it's hard to break farmers of the old superstitions like "Tornado got Old Yeller, stay in the cellar."

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot farther?" "No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots."

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.

If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons (maybe by shoving them down his throat).

Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we all be brothers?

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.

[Tash]

pheh useless threads they're bril i was thinking of creating one myself, not that i haven't already....
bob you're the coolest!!!

[Bob]

I am cool, aren't I?  (feels cool)    Brrr!.... ( )


Being insane helps me stay sane.  You can't argue with this kind of logic.


It takes a lot of dumb ideas to uncover some really useful gems.



------------------------------------  

If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.

It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching.

Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.

What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk?

And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around and ask people for money, and then lay down and go to sleep.

Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.

During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner."

If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.

When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.

I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint.

Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy.

Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that."

Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new name for yourself. For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname "Fly Head." Normally you would think that "fly Head" would mean a person who has beautiful swept-back features, as if flying through the air. But think again. Couldn't it also mean "having a head like a fly"? I'm afraid some people might actually think that.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money."

If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity "happen."

The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw skulls and bones everywhere. "Uh-oh," he thought. "This watering hole is reserved for skeletons."

If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.

When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw *** you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."

Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.

I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.

If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

I bet when the Neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.

Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."

Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.

The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with rocks, and he would go around and whap the other children across the face with it. Man, I think my heart almost broke. Later the boy came up and offered to give me the toy. This was too much! I reached out my hand, but then he ran away. I chased him down and took the enema bag. He cried a little, but that's the way of these people.

I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.

I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.

I'd rather be rich than stupid.

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.

I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.

If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun."

The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.

[Bob]

 

Don't remove my thread!!!

 








If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Marta said it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke - just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real DisneyLand, but it was getting pretty late.

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.

Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some *** he picked up in town.

I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.

If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what is I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.

The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.

When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy.

Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet.

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. and since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him.

Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life?

If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?" or "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!

I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.

I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold a murder weapons sale. Many people could really use used ice picks.

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose.

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered that they were not Indians at all but only dirty-clothes hampers.

It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, and Angel gets set on fire.

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?

Life, to me, is like a quiet forest pool, one that needs a direct hit from a big rock half-buried in the ground. You pull and you pull, but you can't get the rock out of the ground. So you give it a good kick, but you lose your balance and go skidding down the hill toward the pool. Then out comes a big Hawaiian man who was screwing his wife beside the pool because they thought it was real pretty. He tells you to get out of there, but you start faking it, like you're talking Hawaiian, and then he gets mad and chases you...

Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no other cars around, I start imagining: What if there were no civilization out there? No cities, no factories, no people? And then I think: No people or factories? Then who made this car? And this highway? And I get so confused I have to stick my head out the window into the driving rain---unless there's lightning, because I could get struck on the head by a bolt.

The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard and saved his money. True, working at the hardware store didn't pay much, but he felt it was better than what everybody else did, which was go up to the volcano and collect the gold nuggets it shot out every day. It turned out he was right. After forty years, the volcano petered out. Everybody left town, and the hardware store went broke. Finally he decided to collect gold nuggets too, but there weren't many left by then. Plus, he broke his leg and the doctor's bills were real high.

Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called the "Cricket Boy", because I would have liked to stand up in class and tell everybody, "You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me he's just like everybody else." Then everybody would leave the Cricket Boy alone, and I'd invite him over to spend the night at my house, but after about five minutes of that loud chirping I'd have to kick him out. Maybe later we could get up a petition to get the Cricket Family run out of town. Bye, Cricket Boy.

I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.

I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out West and start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd say, "Looking for gold, ya durn fool." He'd say, "Your pick is gold," and I'd say, "Well, that was easy." Good joke, huh.

A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.

I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when you kill someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.

Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull" that Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant, and at first it didn't seem like anything, but then the bite got worse and worse, so he went to a doctor in town, and the secretary told him to wait, so he sat down and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and then finally he got to see the doctor, and the doctor put some salve on it? You call that dull?

I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. "That was fun," I said. "You bet it was," said Nick. "Let's climb higher." "No," I said. "I think we should be heading back now." "We have time," Nick insisted. I said we didn't, and Nick said we did. We argued back and forth like that for about 20 minutes, then finally decided to head back. I didn't say it was an interesting story.

If you're a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, "Boy, these are good cigars!"

I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.

If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.

I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then we had some growing up to do.

Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old stranger. He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the treasure. I said, "Okay, as long as it's not a long story. Some of us have a plane to catch, you know." He stared telling hes story, about the treasure and his life and all, and I thought: "This story isn't too long." But then, he kept going, and I started thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is getting long." But then the story was over, and I said to myself: "You know, that story wasn't too long after all." I forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie on the plane. It was a little long, though.

I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.

I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a person, because it would be too small. But there's a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy---something like that.

 
( https://www.hutchville.com/jack_handey.shtml )

[julie391]

OMFGWTF

 

[Ludwig Van Rachabji]

"I claim this thread in the name of Bob!"  (posts special Bob flag into the ground of this thread.   


I'm just curious to see what happens here.



I'll stash my old signature lines here...
Would anyone like a double entrada?  Offers you one.

Ummm.... Right.........

- Ludwig Van Rachabji

[julie391]

dont get it

[Tash]

what's there to get?!

[Ludwig Van Rachabji]

dont get it

What don't you get?

- Ludwig Van Rachabji

[DarkWind]

OMFGWTF

 

BBQ!

[Ludwig Van Rachabji]

OMFGWTF

 

BBQ!

BBQ? What did I miss?

- Ludwig Van Rachabji

[Spatula]

This thread would be SO raped by Moderators if this was in GFF

[Tash]

i'm sure it would be

[Bob]

\@_

Mighty orange snail pushes Bob's thread back to the top of the list!




----------------------------------------------------------------
Aw man.... No color anymore.  My orange snail is white.  It's rough sometimes...



* DEEP THOUGHTS * by Jack Handy

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.
When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw *** you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."

Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.

I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.

If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.

Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaught on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."

Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.

The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with rocks, and he would go around and whap the other children across the face with it. Man, I think my heart almost broke. Later the boy came up and offered to give me the toy. This was too much! I reached out my hand, but then he ran away. I chased him down and took the enema bag. He cried a little, but that's the way of these people.

I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.

I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.

I'd rather be rich than stupid.

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.

I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.

If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun."

The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Marta said it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke - just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real DisneyLand, but it was getting pretty late.

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.

Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some *** he picked up in town.

I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.

If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what is I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

[Tash]

LOL go the snails they live on!

[Bob]

"Rawr!" \@_

Wait!  Stop and think -- When was the last time you ever heard a snail roar?


---------------------------------------------------

Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.

The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.

When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy.

Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet.

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. and since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him.

Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life?

If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?" or "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!

I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.

I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold a murder weapons sale. Many people could really use used ice picks.

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose.

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered that they were not Indians at all but only dirty-clothes hampers.

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.

It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, and Angel gets set on fire.

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?

Life, to me, is like a quiet forest pool, one that needs a direct hit from a big rock half-buried in the ground. You pull and you pull, but you can't get the rock out of the ground. So you give it a good kick, but you lose your balance and go skidding down the hill toward the pool. Then out comes a big Hawaiian man who was screwing his wife beside the pool because they thought it was real pretty. He tells you to get out of there, but you start faking it, like you're talking Hawaiian, and then he gets mad and chases you...

Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no other cars around, I start imagining: What if there were no civilization out there? No cities, no factories, no people? And then I think: No people or factories? Then who made this car? And this highway? And I get so confused I have to stick my head out the window into the driving rain---unless there's lightning, because I could get struck on the head by a bolt.

The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard and saved his money. True, working at the hardware store didn't pay much, but he felt it was better than what everybody else did, which was go up to the volcano and collect the gold nuggets it shot out every day. It turned out he was right. After forty years, the volcano petered out. Everybody left town, and the hardware store went broke. Finally he decided to collect gold nuggets too, but there weren't many left by then. Plus, he broke his leg and the doctor's bills were real high.

Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called the "Cricket Boy", because I would have liked to stand up in class and tell everybody, "You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me he's just like everybody else." Then everybody would leave the Cricket Boy alone, and I'd invite him over to spend the night at my house, but after about five minutes of that loud chirping I'd have to kick him out. Maybe later we could get up a petition to get the Cricket Family run out of town. Bye, Cricket Boy.

I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.

I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out West and start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd say, "Looking for gold, ya durn fool." He'd say, "Your pick is gold," and I'd say, "Well, that was easy." Good joke, huh.

A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.

I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when you kill someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.

Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull" that Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant, and at first it didn't seem like anything, but then the bite got worse and worse, so he went to a doctor in town, and the secretary told him to wait, so he sat down and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and then finally he got to see the doctor, and the doctor put some salve on it? You call that dull?

I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. "That was fun," I said. "You bet it was," said Nick. "Let's climb higher." "No," I said. "I think we should be heading back now." "We have time," Nick insisted. I said we didn't, and Nick said we did. We argued back and forth like that for about 20 minutes, then finally decided to head back. I didn't say it was an interesting story.

If you're a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, "Boy, these are good cigars!"

I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.

If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the inpression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.

I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then we had some growing up to do.

Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old stranger. He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the treasure. I said, "Okay, as long as it's not a long story. Some of us have a plane to catch, you know." He stared telling hes story, about the treasure and his life and all, and I thought: "This story isn't too long." But then, he kept going, and I started thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is getting long." But then the story was over, and I said to myself: "You know, that story wasn't too long after all." I forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie on the plane. It was a little long, though.

I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.

I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a person, because it would be too small. But there's a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy---something like that.


( https://www.cco.net/~jpete/deepthou.htm )

[Tash]

oh they do, but the pitch is so high that the human ear can't hear it

[Bob]

They do?  Are you serious?

[Tash]

i dunno. they might!

[bernhard]

Just read that somewhere and it seemed appropriate:

“I don’t eat snails. I prefer fast food”.

[Tash]

hahaha you're just too funny bernhard

[amanfang]

Bob, I really like this thread.

[Axtremus]

Just read that somewhere and it seemed appropriate:

“I don’t eat snails. I prefer fast food”.

Hey, I wrote that (or at least something quite like that) -- ORIGINAL POST HERE.

Oh, Bob, great thread!

[Glissando]

"I claim this thread in the name of Bob!"  (posts special Bob flag into the ground of this thread.   

I invade your thread, and claim it in the name of Glissando the Terrible!
All your base are belong to us!
mwaahahahaha!
Now I shall make you all listen to the Grosse fugue nonstop for 3 hours straight! And not only the Grosse Fugue, but the Grosse Fugue as a MIDI!!!!!
https://www.kunstderfuge.com/beethoven/mid/grosse%20fuge%20(schwenkglenks).mid

[Bob]

Hey!       (the ultimate comeback) 


(constructs enormous, unmovable "Bob Fortress" in the shape of the word BOB, complete with brand new "Bob" flags and canons and all that to prevent this from happening again.  Installs a drawbridge.  Quietly disposes of the "Bob" flags that got printed up with a misspelling.)

[richard w]

How very curious. I was trying to work out what I had learned by reading this thread, and when I got to the bottom it dawned on me. The adverts that appear at the bottom of all threads must be selected using certain key words from the thread. At least that is the only reason I could think of why snails should play such a prominent part in them.

I'm most curious about this one:

Buy Snails
Discount new & used items.
affil Search for buy snails now!

I think this one must have been generated by some code which doesn't realise it's talking complete crap.

Turbo Snails
turbo Snails for sale. aff
Check out the deals now!

I like this one better, but it somewhat defeats the object of snails.

Natural Pest Control
using natural predators to
Wiggly-away pests in your
garden

I must get some of those.....

Snail Clipart/Stock Photo
1,000 Snail Images on CD
Shipped same day. $12.95

An interesting-sounding product - somewhat of a niche I'd have thought, though.

[amanfang]

All my advertisements were for sluggo snail killer.

[Tash]

bob i'm impressed you're thread just gets better and better!
and i shall help you defend your thread from glissando and others

*starts working out in a vague attempt to be able to be strong enough to defend the thread*

[Glissando]

Hmmm....3 hrs. of the MIDI Grosse Fugue didn't bring you to your knees?
Greater than I percieved, your strength is. 
Stronger tactics I must divise.
But allies I need- com'mon, folks- who's with me for a mock battle against the all powerful Emperor of the Snails?

[Bob]

omg!    :DThat is hilarious!  Snail ads!  rofl!  I can't believe this.... hahaha!  Well, well, well... Learn something new everyday.  I guess that's how google ads work.  A pre-mystery of the piano forum solved.  "Snail" is used a little over 30 times on this thread, so I guess google uses the most popular words on the page.  Hahaha... I expect Tash is upping the snail ads with each post then since she has that word in her signature line.  Oh, this is halarious... 


 
(Quickly builds moat around fortress, bestows a quick knighthood on Tash to defend the fortress, posts sign "Exclusive Club.  Members Only.  All other keep out.  This means you," keeps amusement park rides for myself...  )

[Bob]

_@/  @/


_@/  \@_




hmmm..... (studies snail-related ads below.  Considers buying some "friendly" snails and then
maybe three types of snail poison.)   Hmmm.....

[ChristmasCarol]

Hmmmmmmm, strokes chin.... thinking about the idea of challenging the power here... I think the musical weapon of choice could look like...  anything by Barry Manilow, Neil Diamond,  Lawrence Welk, Mitch Miller, Britney Spears, oh yeah, this is getting good... Can you take it Bob?  Huh?  Huh?  How about Dolly Parton, your local volunteer Messiah sing, but, no, I'm getting to viscious here.  Well maybe five minutes of each of the above mentioned one after the other...   

[Bob]

(puts in earplugs)

(unleashes a swarm of fearsome attack snails [which could take awhile])

[Glissando]

Waho! I have an ally!
Now to take care of the snail attack:
_@/..._@/..._@/ 

_@/..._@/..._@/ 

_@/..._@/..._@/ 

...the aftermath....
_@_ ..._@_...._@_
_@_..._@_..._@_
_@_..._@_..._@_

And now I go in to steal the BOB flag!


Now Christmas Carol is the time to unleash your fearsome Muzak attack!

[ChristmasCarol]

Okay okay okay.... I'm thinking disco.... yeah.  And and... The Boston Pops playing Beatles music, and a recording of open mike nite at a folk bar from Cambridge....  Oh you can't stop me now.  This is rather cathartic...  And who can forget Maria Muldaur singing "loving you"  la la la la la la...  Not to worry I'll include the album made by John Cage which had a recording of nothing on it... remember that?      Be careful or I'll make you sit through an entire set of piano music played by the latest Berklee dude with head bobbing to the same ole chords they've been playing for 40 years... same hairdo too with the ubiquitous ponytail.    Eh?  Whatdya tink a dat?

[amanfang]

(jumps up and down, waving arms wildly)

OOh, OOh, Bob!!  Pick me to be on your team!!  Pick me!  Pick me!!

[Tash]

LOL at the snail ads that's just too funny

yes amanfang be on our team! i recommend amanfang since he was my associate steinway robber at one point (it was you wasn't it, stealing pianos and robbing banks?!)


stands around fortress with earplugs, see's glissando taking of with bob's flag and runs after and tackles glissando and steals the flag and runs off to bob...

[amanfang]

I LOVE capture the flag!!  Oooohhh, now it's OUR turn to hide it!

[Glissando]

*gets up rubbing her head and wonders why tash had to hit her with a hardbound edition of Rachmaninoff's complete works for piano*

Well, hmmm I'm getting desperate. So I guess I'll hire the Dragon Smaug to come in and distroy your fortress!

Now, what will Bob, Tash, Amanfang, and the infamous snails do now?
mwaahahahaha!

(btw, this is quite fun! )

[ChristmasCarol]

heh heh,
How about a gig with a piano to play on made by Jordan Marsh (old retail store)?  Really happend to me once.  Hmmm... or making you play on church basement pianos?  Or or, a Wurlitzer spinet eh?  Take that.... Then we could sit you down and make you play on a Hohner Electric keyboard.   You could be required - this torture thing is working me up - to go with people to look at pianos for free to $500 and tell them if it's good enough.  Some people will have so many loose pins that one key plays three pitches.  This owner will tell you they think it maybe needs to be tuned.  Again, really happened to me.  Now, rolls up sleeves, let's see how much you can take.   Have a bass player come along and volunteer to play with you who uses Oscar Peterson trio tapes to give to club owners for getting gigs.  Then he plays stand up bass with absolutely no knowledge of music.  Just stands there and plucks strings and moves his hands up and down.   True story.  Ah the glamour of it all. 
Let's see your snails help you deal with that!!!

[Glissando]

Christmas Carol,
I am really glad that you are on my side.
 

[Glissando]

Okay here is another picture of Smaug, this one was painted by me- not as good as tash's pics but not too terrible.

It was inspired by this picture:
https://www.kulichki.com/tolkien/cabinet/pic/smaug.jpg

[Tash]

heh heh,
How about a gig with a piano to play on made by Jordan Marsh (old retail store)? Really happend to me once. Hmmm... or making you play on church basement pianos? Or or, a Wurlitzer spinet eh? Take that.... Then we could sit you down and make you play on a Hohner Electric keyboard. You could be required - this torture thing is working me up - to go with people to look at pianos for free to $500 and tell them if it's good enough. Some people will have so many loose pins that one key plays three pitches. This owner will tell you they think it maybe needs to be tuned. Again, really happened to me. Now, rolls up sleeves, let's see how much you can take. Have a bass player come along and volunteer to play with you who uses Oscar Peterson trio tapes to give to club owners for getting gigs. Then he plays stand up bass with absolutely no knowledge of music. Just stands there and plucks strings and moves his hands up and down. True story. Ah the glamour of it all.
Let's see your snails help you deal with that!!!

*takes the bass and smashes it over the bass player's head so he falls unconcious*

so we want to get visual do we? well fine then *jumps on the giant king snail (in tiara and heels and all, but clothes of course- snail wars are no place for nudity) with computer snails running behind, singing wa-oh's down a minor third, all with wagner's ride of the valkyries (snailkyries if you like) playing in the background*



so then the snails leave a slimy trail that is slippery to tread on all around the castle *grabs bob and amanfang onto the giant snail so they don't slip*

btw glissando not bad, better than i could do cos i suck at dragons, or any animal infact, except for snails, giraffes, elephants and muffinbugs...

[Bob]

(flattered and amused by Tash's drawing)

Knights amanfang.


.... heavy footsteps approach.  The sound of "Oh-ee-Oh" (like the Wizard of Oz).  It's the Snail Army!   The lead snail stops.  The rest of the snail army halts.  The lead snail wonders where footsteps are coming from.  Snails only have one foot.  The snails wonders where the singing is coming from.  Snails don't have mouths (as far as I know).  The entire snail army pauses, confused, and sort of stares at the ground in bewilderment.  "Dang..." thinks one snail, "That was so cool there for a moment...."


Meanwhile...

Snails begin pushing heavy Piano Shaped Objects (grand piano shaped objects) off the castle tops.  Several Piano Shaped Objects are launched via catapault over the wall.

The walls of the fortress are made out of Beethoven piano sonata scores -- Henle's!  Very difficult to find a flaw in there and several music scholars stand by, ready to argue with anyone who finds a fault.  They are prepared to debate until your out of breath.


Alfred Cortot appears on the top of the wall.  Spotlights shine on him and his piano is amped up for maximum soundput through high quality speakers.  He plays Chopin's 3rds Etudes (that really difficult one) extremely fast, but still musical.  This immobilizes the opposiition when their jaws hit the ground.   (Does anyone know the Op.No. on that etude?)
The opposition stands shocked and awed.

[Tash]

.... heavy footsteps approach.  The sound of "Oh-ee-Oh" (like the Wizard of Oz).  It's the Snail Army!   The lead snail stops.  The rest of the snail army halts.  The lead snail wonders where footsteps are coming from.  Snails only have one foot.  The snails wonders where the singing is coming from.  Snails don't have mouths (as far as I know).  The entire snail army pauses, confused, and sort of stares at the ground in bewilderment.  "Dang..." thinks one snail, "That was so cool there for a moment...."

*tash hides her ipod and speakers from out of sight and continues to pretend that it was in fact the snails making the sound instead of a recording...*

[ChristmasCarol]

Whew!... just when I thought you might be down for the count...  Allright, I'm going to find all your old music teachers from when you were a kid, and I'll throw in mine from the burbs of Massachusetts.  Oh man, that teacher who made us sing "Stodulapumpa" and "There are Smiles That Make Us Happy"... the one who once threw all the music stands in a corner cause she was ticked off the room was set up for band instead of chorus... yeah... and man was she uuuuuuuuuuuuugly.  And, and, the teacher whose main axe was an accordian, yeah you can spend some time with him.   And then, I'm betting you've had some douzies, so they' be invited.  Think of it, an entire line-up of mediocre to horrible musicians who made it rhrough four years of music education classes and then are supposed to bring music to the masses.   Heh heh... I got you now... wringing hands.   Those snails had better pick up some speed to get over this one.   heh heh heh

[Bob]

(gracefully and dramatically bows)