"Music is" ... here's my problem:

[brogers70]

If you want to know what Rameau means for you, you first have to figure out what Rameau means for Rameau. Just let him talk (write), listen to what he says and try to take it on his terms. Once you've understood what he was trying to say, then you can worry about whether you agree. Don't rush to judgement; stop talking back to him and just listen.

[theholygideons]

I have a feeling that's going to remain The Unanswered Question.

AHAHA...so you do see the misdirection in this thread?

[m1469]

If you want to know what Rameau means for you, you first have to figure out what Rameau means for Rameau. Just let him talk (write), listen to what he says and try to take it on his terms. Once you've understood what he was trying to say, then you can worry about whether you agree. Don't rush to judgement; stop talking back to him and just listen.

Yes, I realize the logic - that is not a mystery for me.  It is not as much a matter of judgement as it may seem.  It is mostly a matter of there being too much activity within my being at once, and not knowing how to organize it into something useful.  I can't just keep reading and absorb something without my own mind standing there (in the way), as well.  And that becomes a very large distraction that I, in those moments, have not been able to control.  I am a little surprised I am working something like this out here (even in part), at this point in my life.  But this is something, or linked to something, that I have tried to understand for many years, and have even tried to talk with people about (to no avail), and as I have mentioned has been a pretty big deal.  

And, I would/will shut down, actually become either completely nonfunctional or nearly nonfunctional.  It is one reason 2-hour, very focused lessons are very good for me.  If I have an episode, it is possible to get to the other side, it seems, during a 2-hour lesson.  And then, even better when it's been a few/several days of long lessons in a row.  I can achieve a deep level of focus during that time.  And if I don't have some kind of episode, it is just very fitting for my being to have such a deeply focused learning experience.  If there are a bunch of factors that make me anxious, it's going to be a problem, and it has sometimes been a pretty big one (not to mention pretty non productive).

[vladimir_gouldowsky]

Edit.  I regret my post.

[m1469]

Well, I think that post was supposed to be confusing, but to me it's somehow perfectly fine.  I have an uncle who is no longer here (rock climbing accident when I was quite young), who did not utter a single word until he was in his 4's.  Then, one day, he just said an entire sentence and spoke from there.  The other night, I was talking with a few friends and started to speak an entire sentence backwards because that was either how it started or ended in my mind, I don't know which, or I was moving back through it from back to front before I started to speak it and it just started coming out that way, until I reversed it in my mind into what I knew it was supposed to be in order to communicate sociably - I could actually feel it "untwist" and go the other way, and even had a kind of involuntary mental image of the end ideas hopping from one side to the other of the idea in the middle.  It felt kind of cool ... like, a kind of freshness or something.

Times when I couldn't talk in my life, it's felt like a kind of twist that I couldn't get out of.

[vladimir_gouldowsky]

Edit: i regret this

[m1469]

Yes.  And that post is meant to make me feel angry, insecure, and as though I ought to doubt myself.  And your next one will either deny that, to make me feel as though I am wrong and can't read your intentions, and must be incapable of structuring my thoughts and writing, or now, since I've said your plan A, you would normally resort to plan B and somehow act in agreement with me in order to prove me wrong about plan A.  But, alas, since I've mentioned both plan A and B, you must devise a plan C -  which might be something like not posting anything at all!

In any event, what would my impression of you be, do you suppose?  Friend or foe?

And, practicing is still not taking place, so ...

[vladimir_gouldowsky]

Edit: i regret this

[ignaceii]

Thanks m1469 for your kind note.
You know, in a street like this, as I already sad, there is a lot of buzz... that's why I don't really like the format.
I'd rather pick a housenumber in the street, and if the door opens, eyes meet, and I can enter, then I can really tell my story.
I am somewhat difficult in that same sense to. I don't accept the way they are presented to me.
So, in a way emotions are a layer, beyond which, there is a deeper world, where everything comes together.
I imagined once, and still do, that I am part of the universe, and the universe is part of me.
There is harmony in the universe, and chaos. So, there is entropy. Entropy within ourselves, that goes far beyond our spoken language, reason why Wittgenstein doesn't intrest me.

I can talk further but not in the street, I would need a housenumber (read email address) if you understand me.

But since this is a musical street.
I cannot play for days because of my health, you can't because of...
and the hardest instrument everyone tries to play well on, is the piano, left and right hands, left and right side of the brain mixed. Millions of pianists out there practising like hell, to get it done.

And as for you, and me, (mentioning other instruments as you did) I would start of again playing the cello, a real female instrument, sadly taken over by the males on the big stages.
Instrument between the legs, and the harmonies and sounds literally echo in your belly (or belley I'm not native english). I smooths the chaos inside and massages all the worries inside.
Viola da gamba, what a joy to listen to.

1 suite by Bach on a Cello, and the chaotical talk talk doesn't matter anymore only silence matters, as silence is the most important in music.

You are a good and fine person m1469, keep it up, I'll try my best, with and without the tears.

[vladimir_gouldowsky]

.

[m1469]

Thanks for the reminders (that I apparently needed), guys, my current path feels confirmed.

[ignaceii]

Thought my reply didn't got through, but it has... page 2. Still sleeping I guess.

[timothy42b]

m1469,

You have a high level of distractibility.

You frequently ask deep and vague philosophical questions, and the thread veers wildly.

You sometimes have a tantrum here. 

You report consistent difficulty with academic coursework.

I wonder if you might find medication would help you to focus and concentrate.  I don't know what your diagnosis would be, but possibly something along the lines of Adult Attention Deficity Disorder, maybe?    You seem to have the distractibility.  You also have a fair amount of cognitive looseness, and until this thread I was leaning another direction, but now I'm wondering. 

[m1469]

One way or another, I can't argue that a lot of effort has gone in my direction here on the forum, and I actually really appreciate that, even though the techniques utilized on "my behalf" have sometimes been something I don't agree with (sometimes quite deeply).

1.  There are ways in which I learn better than others.  That is true for everybody.  I am simply aiming to become more aware of what those are and to experience them in my life, as well as work out the challenges as best I can.

2.  As I observe, I have often gone to greater lengths on behalf of my own learning and education -and at huge personal costs- than just about anybody I know.  Not that others have not had challenges to overcome.  I have never intentionally asked for special treatment from anybody, I have only desired to have the growth and development that seems necessary to my life.  More than once I have been forced to give up all of my ideas, hopes, and expectations on what that will ever look like, when it would ever take place, and who it involves.  It is not my fault if those who know music "best" and who also have some idea of what I am about, do not recognize me as somebody worth sharing music and themselves with!  I can only assume that they have their own challenges to work out in this regard, some (lots?) of which has got little to do with me, and much of which is strictly just a human experience.

3.  In my observations, despite certain desires and efforts, I am constantly kept off a path I deeply desire.  

4.  Sometimes I struggle with my desires in conjunction with the world around me, but in my life I am currently forced to deconstruct anything that seems to possess meaning to me, and to try to see it for what it truly is.  I feel forced to analyze aspects of life deeply, especially education, that many people I have looked up to seem to have had the luxury of taking for granted.

5.  I am aware that my path is very different from nearly everybody I know, and even though people have at times put in a great deal of effort on my behalf (for which I am very thankful), there is nevertheless something fundamentally different about our perspectives.  Sometimes this is disheartening, but who in this world has never been disheartened?  

6.  I can at least try to imagine how some individuals may feel after having had parental support towards their musical and educational development, sometimes to an utter extreme, to have had all of the right education, all of the right teachers, all of the right opportunities, perhaps even a desirable life and career, and to still come to a point of wondering what it is all about.  I imagine that is also not a cakewalk experience, but it is perhaps a bit inevitable for us all.

hmmmm ... bye bye for now

[ignaceii]

m1469,
I gave you a direction, and threw a lot of myself in it.

The problem is, that you cannot continue abusing the pianostreet for your own personal problems.
I've been away for ten years, and you were already there then, with those pretty long diarysessions.
Now, your diary is still continuing. 2 pages of replies over a thread what music is...
It's as if you find each time a sort of musical topic in order to start with a diarysession that is at its place with psychoanalist, not here.

I sad, you are a good person, but find help to find your light at the end of Lacan street elsewhere.

Look at my thread on metronomes silly. Turned out not so silly but a real discovery.

And bye for now...  that's how they end on interpals, alternafive, find an internet pal.

[m1469]

m1469,
I gave you a direction, and threw a lot of myself in it.

The problem is, that you cannot continue abusing the pianostreet for your own personal problems.
I've been away for ten years, and you were already there then, with those pretty long diarysessions.
Now, your diary is still continuing. 2 pages of replies over a thread what music is...
It's as if you find each time a sort of musical topic in order to start with a diarysession that is at its place with psychoanalist, not here.

I sad, you are a good person, but find help to find your light at the end of Lacan street elsewhere.

Look at my thread on metronomes silly. Turned out not so silly but a real discovery.

And bye for now...  that's how they end on interpals, alternafive, find an internet pal.

Whatever productivity that has come from me being here has never truly been one-sided in my direction, and it was never meant to be.  

[ahinton]

Whatever productivity that has come from me being here has never truly been one-sided in my direction, and it was never meant to be.  

Be that as it may - and I do not wish to appear rude - but have you noticed the number of times you include the phrase "my life" in your posts both here and in other threads?

Best,

Alistair

[m1469]

I cannot play for days because of my health, you can't because of...

I don't have the energy nor the mental capacity right now.  I currently have 30+ private students and another 6 piano classes that I teach at a school in a neighboring town, for a total of about 90 students.  I'm just coming off of 5 years of having poured my entire being into as deep a study with private teachers as I could muster.  I started that by being able to cut down on my own teaching, which now I am in the exact opposite situation and must take absolutely everybody I possibly can.  I have been completely drained from living for a few years on the very edge of losing our house, I drained our savings on private lessons, alienated myself from having friends and acquaintances, took my digital piano to every family gathering and stayed home and practiced while everybody else went out, decided against having a singing career (or at least investing in/trying for one) just to get *training* for piano, did two auditions for graduate school last year - one in piano which required a full program, another in voice which required 5 arias- neither of which were the right step for me despite it taking every ounce of energy I could possibly pull from, and every time I sit at the piano, I am doing so in decision against doing something else that is important and pressing to the life that is actually occurring around me.  And these are just the/some things that I am willing to mention.

[ignaceii]

I said STOP THIS NONSENSE

[outin]

I said STOP THIS NONSENSE

It is her thread and at least it is related to music and piano...so let her write, you're not forced to read.

[m1469]

Perhaps it would be much more preferable and fitting-in if I wrote constantly about how fast I can play, and my favorite pieces?  And if I ever talk about my perspective (which every, single person does) on life, music and piano, it would blend in a whole lot better if it were things like "I started piano lessons with the world's most amazing teacher when I was 3.  *thunder*  And I was actually born as a magna cum laude in life, and therefore my path was paved in gold.  I played my first concerto with the world's most amazing symphony when I was just the tender age of 12, which won me world-wide fame.  My parents worked very hard, in specific ways, on my behalf to ensure for me that I could have all of the right teachers all along the way (the kind that are looking for students just like me!), all the time I needed to practice, go to all of the right schools, win all the right competitions, and be assured that every possibility of success as the world's most amazing pianist and musician was in place.  As it turns out, I had specific big breaks along the way, and other people helping me to augment my own hard work, and here I stand before you today!  *world-wide applause*  So buy my tickets and CD's!"

But, since my life is actually very different than that, yet I am still somebody who loves Classical Music and the piano, I guess I must speak in reality about what it's like to be somebody who has had enough guts to pursue what I love despite the fact that I have had to go about it all in the "wrong" ways, and it's been anything but easy.  Yes, I can see how publicly representing a different path than the norm is definitely worthless, completely selfish, and completely out of line  .

I did not even want to tell people my path, generally, because I already knew what they would say and think, and I didn't need to deal with even more of it directly in my face than was already there.  When I first came here to this forum, I did not want for people to even know my gender, because I did not want to deal with that, either.  I wanted to just do my work in as a direct a way as possible, but apparently that is far too much to ask, even of the people I have loved and trusted the most. 

[timothy42b]

?  And if I ever talk about my perspective (which every, single person does) on music and piano, it would blend in a whole lot better if it were things like "I started piano lessons with the world's most amazing teacher when I was 3.

You got a raw deal when you were three, true, but that was a while ago.

Time to let it go. 

[m1469]

You got a raw deal when you were three

No, everybody else did   *heart*  

[Bob]

Time to let it go.  

 

[m1469]

Sorry, haven't seen it.  I was going to on account of my students and nieces and nephews, but now I'm not, on account of those photos being here.

[Bob]

Me neither, but it's hard to miss the one song.

[m1469]

♪♫♪♫♫ ... Let it go ... ♫♪♫ ... Let it go-ooo ♫♪♫♪

[Bob]

Yep.  You got worms now. 

[pianoboy91]

Perhaps what I am really (actually) interested in/seeking are strategies that people use to read materials, or take in information, while also dealing with a tendency to "fight it" the entire time.  My questions are in and of themselves valid, but I can't think with all that noise in my being, and I can't completely let them go, either.  It is actually quite paralyzing and something which I do not feel anybody has ever understood about me, does not know when it is occurring, and something which I have not been capable of communicating about (instead I would be reduced to tears as the only outlet for so many thoughts at once).  

I have this same problem sometimes. I actually think that it is a sign of a deep and appreciative thinker. What I do is stop and digest what I just read before going on. So, in your case I would think about that sentence until I came to terms with it. The trick is allowing yourself to understand what the author is saying whilst not necessarily agreeing or disagreeing at that particular moment. Just understand what it says. If you understand it then you can allow the author to build up his/her thesis on that premise and then you can decide whether or not you agree. I hope this helps...