Crippling anxiety.

[drewjitsu]

So it finally happened last night when I was shaking so badly and my vision blurred to the point that I couldn't see the keys and I just had to quit.  I thought that as the years go on this would get better, but my anxiety is doing nothing but getting worse.  I'm worried that I've invested my entire life into a field in which I'll never succeed (i'm 25).  It's too late to start anything else but I don't feel like I'll ever be successful.  I've read all the tips for dealing with anxiety and none of them even help at all.  My hands shake and get too sweaty to firmly land on a black key at all without slipping.  My family all agrees that I should give up, but that's likely because they've campaigned against my music career since i started.  I have no friends for support.  Essentially, this is my last appeal to anyone that will hear before i quit music altogether.  What can I do, though?  I don't get nervous about the crowd, not mentally at least.  I play the piece perfectly 1,000 times in a row nearly before the performance.  I play the piece while holding conversation with my family (because they try to interrupt my practice at every chance they get).  I just don't know how to overcome this, but music is all I want to do.  Is it time to give up and move on?

[awesom_o]

Is it time to give up and move on?

No. It sounds to me like it's time to get a job so that you can continue to develop your music career without having to rely on anyone else for economic support.

[8_octaves]

Is it time to give up and move on?

Hi drewjitsu,

No, I don't think so. Look:

The only way to defeat "stage-fright" (that's how it's called in Leimer / Gieseking's method book, and we all know it from other areas of communication: holding speeches, referates, etc. in front of audiences ) is a psychological one. You will build up a shield, through which NONE of the influences you dislike can reach you. This would work like the following:

1. ) Make up the basis. YOU are important, when you perform. ALL OTHERS being in the concert hall / school / auditorium etc. to listen to you, are: NOTHING. they (especially and including the critics )  aren't worth a cent, they cannot do what you can do, and YOU are the object of THEIR envy. Because:

2. ) They, in their secret wishes, want desparately to be in the center of attention, but their abilities are insufficient. So:

3. ) YOU will show them, who reigns! And you laugh about them, inwardly.
______________

4. ) You have to accept - and to accomodate - to the fact, that stage-fright, which isn't SO extremely present as you describe, but "normally" present, is a POSITIVE thing: It shows, that the "matter", which you will SHOW THE OTHERS, is of importance to you.

5. ) So: This kind of "normal" stage-fright, which we call in Germany "(normales) Lampenfieber", is USEFUL, because it makes you concentrated, systematic, and prepared.
______________

6. ) To be 1000% prepared: It is VERY VERY important, that you, BEFORE your actual performance takes place, acommodate to the ROOM of the performance ( = the room in which the performance will take place ).

7. ) You must IN ANY CASE go into this room e.g. one day before the performance. You will have to accustom yourself to: The piano, the seats, the position of them, the light, the windows, the piano-bench, to everything. Because: What one knows a priori, loses its horror!

8. ) Prepare everything. Don't forget to take something to eat ( a snack, e.g. ) and a drink ( small bottle of water e.g. ) with you to the performance. Think ALL POSSIBLE ways of disturbance through! That means: Make up BYPASSES in your brain, for such cases. So that you aren't surprised if really a problem / disturbance occurs ( people laughing, people coming in during your playing, you make a mistake in playing, the light gets a malfunction, etc etc ).

9. ) By such bypasses, you never will be surprised if some unnormal thing happens. You will laugh about that, then, inwardly! Don't forget the scores of the pieces you perform. Even Richter had a"blackout" and had to get the score of a work, then, before continuing, or he played, later, completely from the scores at sight.
_________________

10. ) Make clear to your family that you don't want to be interrupted while playing piano. Don't let them do what they want with you, just for fun! Additionally, later, after having created the "shield" around you I mentioned above, it will be of no relevance to you whether somebody of your family disturbs you or not. You simply have created the shield: "Other people / audience / family are so unimportant, that they aren't even existing."

Build up that shield! It'll help, and it'll make you fearless. But it'll perhaps take some time!

Cordially, 8_octaves!!

[iansinclair]

In addition to 8_ocatves comments -- all of which are good -- a couple of other thoughts.

First, almost everyone who performs has some degree of stage fright.  It's perfectly normal.  Further, almost everyone who performs has experienced occasions when for one reason or another it is almost, if not completely, overwhelming.  My daughter in law, for example, was prima ballerina for one of the very very top international ballet companies for a number of years.  She used to get so ... scared is not too strong a word ... before a performance that she would be physically ill, in spite of being perfectly prepared and knowing that she was, literally, one of the ten best dancers in the whole world.  I have known opera stars in the same position.

You are perfectly normal!

It will get better with time.  You'll never get over it completely.

The second thought is that you mention that you have no friends for support.  We will do what we can, but the internet is no substitute for someone or someones who can be there with you, in the wings, to support you.  Not a groupie type -- they come and go with the seasons -- but some reliable solid person to be there.  Doesn't even have to be a fellow musician, never mind a pianist, but someone whom you know who believes in you and supports you.

[kawai_cs]

That is really a good deal of great advice that the folks have given you above
I can only agree with them.
Find a way to make yourself financially independent of your family. It is really important.
I also thought that maybe you could start a collaboration with some musician/musicians. Performing with another person, who you know and with whom you practiced might help diminishing your anxiety on stage, what do you think?
Collaboration might also be a beginning of friendship:-)
Do not give up! Good luck! You definitely can do it.

[diomedes]

Just organize situations where you develop a better relationship with performing. The more you do, the more it should become tolerable. I have not done much performing recently, but i intend to get back to it, last time i was pretty nervous but it went ok, and i'll continue at it. The more often i do it i expect it to improve. If that doesn't work, i'll inform you of it being a terrible strategy, but in my mind it should be ok.

[chopinlover01]

Hopefully I'm not too late with this.
Stage fright/anxiety or whatever you'd like to call it is part of human nature.
Meditation works for some people, right before a concert. Also, as the famous comedian George Carlin put it, "it's very important to be able to not give a f***."
Some other ways of relieving stress before a concert include deep breathing (a part of meditation), drinking a cup of tea before the concert, specifically black tea, and chewing gum.
https://greatist.com/happiness/23-scientifically-backed-ways-reduce-stress-right-now

[sashaco]

All the advice here is good.  I'd add that nervous excitement is a GOOD thing, but of course it must be controlled.  To me the key thing, though, is to use the nerves to heighten awareness of the music.
I was always nervous, particularly singing, but I remember an occasion which, while it did not prove a cure, helped me put nerves in perspective.  I was singing "Esurientes Implevit" from the Bach Magnificat, and doing my usual "don't mess up" type job when it came to me practically in the middle of a long run that this was my only chance to let this audience hear what a great aria this was.  When my approach changed from a negative one of avoiding disaster to a positive one of trying to make the music memorable even my voice improved.  This is not to say that every time I've performed since then I've avoided nerves and done a great job of course, but it did help.

[michael_sayers]

Don't give up, but do have a plan B.

Try playing some at low pressure environments such as nursing homes where some live music will be highly appreciated; organize to do it every weekend and work up from there as your nerves adapt; and practice all the time if you have the technique to do so without injury - avoid distractions except for Piano Street  

How is that for a plan A?

[nick]

No. It sounds to me like it's time to get a job so that you can continue to develop your music career without having to rely on anyone else for economic support.

I think this is spot on. Your "tie" with your family is what this is about. You have to get out, save yourself now to end your suffering. I know it won't be easy which is partly why you are still there, but you must act. Think it through how you will do it. You will never play well while at home in your particular situation in my opinion.

Nick

[8_octaves]

I think this is spot on. Your "tie" with your family is what this is about. You have to get out, save yourself now to end your suffering.[...]

Hi nick,

I think this is possible, without leaving ( = fleeing ) / gettin "out" of the family.

One shouldn't flee. One should: Attack, in such cases. And in extreme situations, the OTHERS may flee. But never..oneself. 

The connection you and awsome_o made ( family / leave / get a job ) aren't wrong, I think. But they won't solve the problem fully. Because, one shouldn't "leave" in such a case, because that, forever, will create a negative feeling in us: to have backed down.

But open-mindedly making clear the own standpoint, as a grown-up, is, in my opinion, better.

And a job one can take from at home or from any other place. I would not leave / move.

Cordially, 8_octaves!

[michael_sayers]

I think this is spot on. Your "tie" with your family is what this is about. You have to get out, save yourself now to end your suffering. I know it won't be easy which is partly why you are still there, but you must act. Think it through how you will do it. You will never play well while at home in your particular situation in my opinion.

Nick

Hi Nick,

I wouldn't want to comment on the o.p.'s living situation without knowing more about the relationships involved.  I suspect there are positive things about his relationship with his parents and that these things just haven't been mentioned.  If the relationships are entirely experienced as negative, then that would be a reason to move out.

I think he could devise strategies/approaches of communication that would over time make them more supportive of his particular aspirations, and maybe this is something to be considered.


Mvh,
Michael

[nick]

Hi nick,

I think this is possible, without leaving ( = fleeing ) / gettin "out" of the family.

One shouldn't flee. One should: Attack, in such cases. And in extreme situations, the OTHERS may flee. But never..oneself. 

The connection you and awsome_o made ( family / leave / get a job ) aren't wrong, I think. But they won't solve the problem fully. Because, one shouldn't "leave" in such a case, because that, forever, will create a negative feeling in us: to have backed down.

But open-mindedly making clear the own standpoint, as a grown-up, is, in my opinion, better.

And a job one can take from at home or from any other place. I would not leave / move.

Cordially, 8_octaves!

The OP is 25, time to leave. It's a "growing" thing to do. What was mentioned about the family's attitude makes it imperative, NOW. Cordially of course, no hard feelings. I speak from personal experience.

Nick

[nick]

Hi Nick,

I wouldn't want to comment on the o.p.'s living situation without knowing more about the relationships involved.  I suspect there are positive things about his relationship with his parents and that these things just haven't been mentioned.  If the relationships are entirely experienced as negative, then that would be a reason to move out.

I think he could devise strategies/approaches of communication that would over time make them more supportive of his particular aspirations, and maybe this is something to be considered.


Mvh,
Michael

The focus on getting the family to be supportive is wrong in my opinion. That is their job, ignorance. He needs to take care of himself WITHOUT their approval, support etc. He has suffered enough with them in many respects and needs to be "free".

Nick

[bronnestam]

I had my first recital last weekend, the first recital in three decades.

I have been haunted all these years by the memories from my teen years. I always s****ed my performances up, more or less. I remember them as horrible, humiliating moments. I started to shake, I broke out in cold sweat, the notes and the keys suddenly were like I had never seen them before (no, I did not memorize, I wonder why it is a shame to sight read?) and of course I made strange mistakes, I played uneven, forgot the music ... yes, ALL THAT. And afterwards I just tumbled off stage again, never hearing the applause.

So it was important to me to do it better this time, to get rid of that old ghost.

After all, I am 30 years older now. Believe it or not, but it can be of good help ...   I am not afraid of the audience. They are just people like me.

I have done a lot of mental preparation, in my mind I have entered the stage and enjoyed the playing and bowed to the cheering audience ... well, at least I tried. But not even in my imagination I could get rid of the beating heart, the cold hands, the tension and the sense of facing an execution squad ...

But I have also noticed a few things. Most of all, the first entrance is the worst. After that, a lot of tension goes away and I can play in a more relaxed way, I know that. So, this time we had a clever start: we started with simple blues improvisation, all of us, shifting our positions at the piano. Moving around, playing something very easy in a group, that is very relaxing. And then we stayed on stage. We had of course familiarized ourselves real good with the venue and the piano in beforehand.

Then I played 4 hands with my teacher. Being two persons at the piano is SO much more safer. It went very well! I made mistakes and she made mistakes and as we never made them simultaneously, nobody noticed. Perfect ending.

And later on I played my solo piece and it was a great experience. I felt happy to give this beautiful music to the audience. (Yes, I made a few mistakes but so what, even the big stars do that all the time.) I was just tense enough to be really concentrated, but I could do whatever I liked at the piano, my hands obeyed me.  And afterward the audience cheered and gave me a heart-warming applause and I just stood there, smiling and thinking "I deserved that!"

So, the curse was broken. Which means it is possible, because I was a real BAD case of stage fright before.


One thing I read some years ago in "Fundamentals of Piano Practice" (Chung) was that you should NOT prepare yourself by practicing perfection "1000 times in a row" before a performance. I mean, of course you should be prepared very well, but right before your performance, or the day before, you should instead practice very lightly, and VERY SLOWLY. And if you know your piece, you should NOT play it all through either. Just slowly and gently move your hands in selected sections of your piece. Smile to yourself! Yes, smile, and enjoy the music. You know already you can master this piece - now it is time to "plant" a sense of relaxation and harmony in yourself instead of making that last, and highly unnecessary run-through which will just stir you up!

Also practice stops a lot. Get used to start and stop playing in the most unusual spots in the piece. If you stumble, you will just quickly pick it all up again and keep on playing, and most people in the audience will probably never even notice something went wrong. DO NOT practice run-throughs, from beginning to end, too many times! These occasions should, actually, be exceptions.

This time I followed that advice and yes, it worked.

I have watched so many famous pianists by now, and what I admire the most is not that they don't make mistakes, because they all do, but how easy they get back on track when they make mistakes or get memory slips. And always with that calm poker face ...

[michael_sayers]

Hi bronnestam,

In my experience it is best not to touch a piano at all within 24 hrs. before a performance.  At some point one has to say "okay, I am ready to do it" - and this (in my opinion) isn't wise to place five minutes before sitting down at a piano, one needs to build confidence for the performance earlier than that.

Even when I only practiced the week before I performance, I would not touch a piano 24 hrs. prior.

Of course, different strategies work for different performers, and whatever works best for you (or possibly the o.p.) is to be preferred!


Mvh,
Michael

[michael_sayers]

The focus on getting the family to be supportive is wrong in my opinion. That is their job, ignorance. He needs to take care of himself WITHOUT their approval, support etc. He has suffered enough with them in many respects and needs to be "free".

Nick

Hi Nick,

I think you are right in essence - for real psychological growth one does need to be out on one's own, in the real world.  Maybe the o.p. just wants more time first to grow his pianistic wings?  He needs a plan and a time line, with goals and dates - and limits.  He must be fair to his parents.  I think it possible that the o.p. isn't thinking clearly about all of this - eventually, no matter what one's dreams are, everything tends to boil down to hard facts, and life in the real world teaches one to face up to and embrace hard facts - and also to have a lot of fun on the side and away from the possibly watchful eyes of one's parents!


Mvh,
Michael

[nick]

Hi Nick,

I think you are right in essence - for real psychological growth one does need to be out on one's own, in the real world.  Maybe the o.p. just wants more time first to grow his pianistic wings?  He needs a plan and a time line, with goals and dates - and limits.  He must be fair to his parents.  I think it possible that the o.p. isn't thinking clearly about all of this - eventually, no matter what one's dreams are, everything tends to boil down to hard facts, and life in the real world teaches one to face up to and embrace hard facts - and also to have a lot of fun on the side and away from the possibly watchful eyes of one's parents!


Mvh,
Michael

Hi Michael,
  He won't be able to "grow his pianistic wings" at home. Even if he could, it will be easier and quicker to first leave and be "free". Imagine parents telling their son who loves playing the piano and has dreams to "give it up" . I don't like his parents and I don't even know them.

Nick

[michael_sayers]

Hi Michael,
  He won't be able to "grow his pianistic wings" at home. Even if he could, it will be easier and quicker to first leave and be "free". Imagine parents telling their son who loves playing the piano and has dreams to "give it up" . I don't like his parents and I don't even know them.

Nick

Hi Nick,

I wanted to give this some thought before posting further.

What I see in the o.p.'s initial post is a statement both about nerves and depressive thinking, such as that he will never succeed in music.

Success in music, of course, can happen in private and can be dependent on the thoughts and observations of none other than the o.p.  If as a first step he can concentrate to make that particular success happen, and forget about the rest, then maybe he would be ready for the shallowest end of the pool.  For instance, he can schedule to play in such places as nursing homes where the residents, in their deprivation of access to live classical music, will be highly appreciative and not at all critical of such goodwill.  The o.p. can then build on the strength derived from such experiences, and from music performing being all about giving to others and not about giving to oneself.  There are vast reserves there for him to tap into, if he he can broaden his perspective enough to go there.

About his parents, and their relationship with the o.p., I don't think we really know much about it and its history.  It is more apparent to me, as an outsider, to be a pragmatic concern: can the o.p. accomplish his dreams, and axiomatically redefine the basis of these dreams as suggested in the previous paragraph and as seems necessary - can he do these things while living with his parents?

I think it may be possible and I wouldn't discourage him from examining how to go about this.

In life there are many choices, and as long as one does not harm others, then I am for the most part quite okay with whatever persons choose to do.

A question remains as to why the o.p. has posted here.  Sometimes negative revelations are shared due to a desire for consolation, or for agreement that one has the right notions for how to solve such issues, or in a quest for useful advice.  I don't really know what the o.p. thinks about his motivations here with this thread, but it seems like all three of the specified possibilities have been covered and that maybe there is more to be mentioned and discussed in those aspects and especially if the o.p. will come back here and rejoin the discussion.

No one here wants to interfere in the o.p.'s personal life, or to judge him or his parents - at least I do not judge him or his parents, or wish to interfere - and I think that maybe we just want to know what the o.p. truly and is most urgently seeking so that we can be properly respondent to him.

The first thing I think the o.p. needs to do is try to take a deep breath and relax, and mentally take a step or two back from his dreams and his situation in order to look at these things as objectively as is in the o.p.'s power to do.

So, o.p. - if you read this, please come back, or send me a private message.


Mvh,
Michael

[nick]

Hi Nick,

I wanted to give this some thought before posting further.

What I see in the o.p.'s initial post is a statement both about nerves and depressive thinking, such as that he will never succeed in music.

Success in music, of course, can happen in private and can be dependent on the thoughts and observations of none other than the o.p.  If as a first step he can concentrate to make that particular success happen, and forget about the rest, then maybe he would be ready for the shallowest end of the pool.  For instance, he can schedule to play in such places as nursing homes where the residents, in their deprivation of access to live classical music, will be highly appreciative and not at all critical of such goodwill.  The o.p. can then build on the strength derived from such experiences, and from music performing being all about giving to others and not about giving to oneself.  There are vast reserves there for him to tap into, if he he can broaden his perspective enough to go there.

About his parents, and their relationship with the o.p., I don't think we really know much about it and its history.  It is more apparent to me, as an outsider, to be a pragmatic concern: can the o.p. accomplish his dreams, and axiomatically redefine the basis of these dreams as suggested in the previous paragraph and as seems necessary - can he do these things while living with his parents?

I think it may be possible and I wouldn't discourage him from examining how to go about this.

In life there are many choices, and as long as one does not harm others, then I am for the most part quite okay with whatever persons choose to do.

A question remains as to why the o.p. has posted here.  Sometimes negative revelations are shared due to a desire for consolation, or for agreement that one has the right notions for how to solve such issues, or in a quest for useful advice.  I don't really know what the o.p. thinks about his motivations here with this thread, but it seems like all three of the specified possibilities have been covered and that maybe there is more to be mentioned and discussed in those aspects and especially if the o.p. will come back here and rejoin the discussion.

No one here wants to interfere in the o.p.'s personal life, or to judge him or his parents - at least I do not judge him or his parents, or wish to interfere - and I think that maybe we just want to know what the o.p. truly and is most urgently seeking so that we can be properly respondent to him.

The first thing I think the o.p. needs to do is try to take a deep breath and relax, and mentally take a step or two back from his dreams and his situation in order to look at these things as objectively as is in the o.p.'s power to do.

So, o.p. - if you read this, please come back, or send me a private message.


Mvh,
Michael

All good points in my opinion, except the one about maybe trying to do it at home. Even if he quit playing for awhile, devoted all energies supporting himself, it would be well worth it in the long run in my opinion. Sometimes the not so easy solution is the best.

Nick

[argh]

DON'T GIVE UP. The problem is with how you view yourself (obviously, you know that's the problem, it's the definition of anxiety).

I would say, as a person with a lifetime's experience of severe mental health problems, the problem is just going to follow you into another field. It doesn't matter of it's music or whatever else....

There is hope though - CBT is actually very good. It helped me a lot, and I have ptsd and anxiety problems to the point of being hospitalised several times and having seizures and stroke-like symptoms. Get some sort of therapy for it instead of giving up. it's a total waste to give up on something you've trained in for your entire life...what's the point of throwing away all of your work?

Start looking into the psychology behind why you're having severe anxiety, and work on those things instead. If you say "I'm going to give up" are you really ever going to give up? The likelihood is you will return to the piano over and over again, it's not exactly something you can completely eradicate from your life. so instead of seeing your anxiety as a failing that dooms your life, start looking into the exact reasons as to why it's happening. View the coping mechanisms around anxiety as an integral part of your practice routine.

Also sod your family, family is bollocks.

Also remember you're in your mid 20s, which is a really depressing time and really messes a lot of people up. Don't give up, think of ways around it. I recommend something like cognitive behavioural therapy. It's very useful! for instance, I can actually leave the house now without blacking out in the street - hoorah!!!

Stop giving yourself grief about it, the fact that you can perform is impressive. Stuff does change. You just need a plan and to research around more and find people who can help etc.

[dcstudio]

don't give up...   

are you perchance the "target child" or black sheep of the family?   You are identifying yourself with your playing.   In other words "if my playing is bad, then I am bad."  The target child in the family usually feels as if he is not enough by himself... he is only worthy if he can do something amazing.  You claim you have devoted your life to something that you will never succeed at--the target child is also afraid of his own success--sometimes he will convince himself that there is only failure ahead so he should just give up.

The rest of the family has been programmed to view the target child as fundamentally flawed.  They will play down success and reward the failures of the black sheep in order to bolster their own egos.

ptsd is tough... I have it too.  I do not, however, have any performance anxiety... in fact I love to perform.  Just keep playing...  don't listen to your family...  they interrupt your practicing because it's annoying to them not because you suck..lol.   

In order to be successful at this you have to love your own playing... you have to believe that you are able to do this.   That has to come from within you... not from the opinions of others.

[callalily90]

Does anyone have any suggestions for 'blanking'? Before an exam or recital sometimes I get so nervous that when I go to sit in front of the piano I completely blank; i.e. forget the first note in a song I've played a million times.

[dcstudio]

Does anyone have any suggestions for 'blanking'? Before an exam or recital sometimes I get so nervous that when I go to sit in front of the piano I completely blank; i.e. forget the first note in a song I've played a million times.

I do... 
 while you are practicing make up some lyrics to the main theme---something memorable--before you begin--say the words in your mind--and listen to the theme in your head.   Since you have a tendency to forget the first note--include it in your lyrics.  It also helps to know the chords--by name and inversion--and function--if you can find a way to include this--you've got it made.

The more words you can use to describe your music--the less your brain is going to fight you.  What happens is the part of your brain that thinks in words really has no idea what your hands are doing---it can't help you by saying--"hey this is just a ii-V-I in G--you can do that."   So it freaks out--or crashes--just like your pc...  That's when the panic sets in...then it's all over--and you know it!

Another thing you can do is to practice what you are going to think about while you perform--this sounds kinda weird but it works. Your thinking is what trips you up...   If you already have a flow chart of thoughts ready to go--then you won't hear the--"omg I sound terrible,  everybody knows I can't play--what am I doing here?"   

Practicing in your mind away from the keyboard--by visualizing the notes--and how they feel--is so so so helpful.  Just a few minutes a day--zone out and think of your piece...play it completely in your mind--the results will amaze you.

[callalily90]

Thank you - that's very helpful, and if I can get the first part of the song the rest usually flows pretty naturally. I also really like the suggestion to play it in my head, I do that naturally sometimes and it's amazing how much you remember.

I really resonated with this thread because I get terrible stage fright, even playing in front of my teacher sometimes. Sometimes I look at the piano and think "huh?" 

[dcstudio]

I really resonated with this thread because I get terrible stage fright, even playing in front of my teacher sometimes. Sometimes I look at the piano and think "huh?" 

that's why you need to keep your brain occupied with other thoughts--fool it so to speak.  We all have that fear that we will seriously offend someone if our playing isn't perfect...maybe even Beethoven himself...lol   Keep your mind focused so that idea has no chance of squeezing in there and crashing your brain...

I used to make my students do this before they would go to competition...  I had great results with it. 

[slane]

I have a similar problem. In my Japanese exams I can be so scared that I can't understand the words, even the english ones! written on the exam.

The people who have posted saying "some anxiety is good" are right, but you're not experiencing "some" anxiety.
I went to see a psychologist a couple of weeks ago because I was so cross with the stupid mistakes I made due to nerves. She explained that the anxiety response is a primitive one designed to save us from lions and other dangerous situations. Our adrenal gland tells us to flee or fight, but neither is appropriate in a performance, or an exam. The root of my anxiety is an overwhelming need to impress my teachers combined with a fear of failing the expectations set up by doing well in exams in the past. My first semester I got 99%. That's a hard act to follow. She actually suggested that I go to my teachers and tell them that I wont be getting 99% ever again and just knock that expectation on the head.

So... I think you should see a psychologist and discuss the root of your fears.
The one I saw suggested breathing deeply, into your diaphragm because that will stop the shallow, fast breathing that takes over when you're afraid.
Someone on this forum suggested closing your eyes, saying "The quick brown fox etc." and visualising each word. That's useful too. You should practice mindfulness. I'm sure there are meditation groups in your area you could join. I saw someone here advertising  a session of lessons for $80. Might be a good investment.
But most of all you have to face your fears, name them, and get rid of them and I think you need a psychologist for that.

Mine also recommended a book but I think it might be hard to get outsdie of australia.
https://www.shrinkrap.com.au/panicbookpage.html
But I bet your local library, or uni library, has a bunch of books on panic and anxiety. If you're still at uni, there's probably a counselling service??

And if all else fails, try beta-blockers.
https://musiciansway.com/blog/tag/beta-blockers/

[slane]

Oh and... some people mentioned getting some friends. Oh well, that sounds a bit harsh when I put it like that but ... I belong to a group of people who meet once a month to perform for each other. We meet in our own homes, rotating through the homes one per month.

We're a bunch of old duffers and very supportive of each other. Maybe you could find a bunch of young duffers. Or you could start the group yourself. You'd have to make sure everyone knows this is supposed to be a *supportive* group, and not a venue for insecure wunderkind to make others feel small.

[louispodesta]

So it finally happened last night when I was shaking so badly and my vision blurred to the point that I couldn't see the keys and I just had to quit.  I thought that as the years go on this would get better, but my anxiety is doing nothing but getting worse.  I'm worried that I've invested my entire life into a field in which I'll never succeed (i'm 25).  It's too late to start anything else but I don't feel like I'll ever be successful.  I've read all the tips for dealing with anxiety and none of them even help at all.  My hands shake and get too sweaty to firmly land on a black key at all without slipping.  My family all agrees that I should give up, but that's likely because they've campaigned against my music career since i started.  I have no friends for support.  Essentially, this is my last appeal to anyone that will hear before i quit music altogether.  What can I do, though?  I don't get nervous about the crowd, not mentally at least.  I play the piece perfectly 1,000 times in a row nearly before the performance.  I play the piece while holding conversation with my family (because they try to interrupt my practice at every chance they get).  I just don't know how to overcome this, but music is all I want to do.  Is it time to give up and move on?

I will reply by private message.  Thank you for your honesty.