Playing after bereavement - difficult post

[tinyhands]

Hello, I have been working up to posting a question since I joined and I feel like since it's an online forum and you guys don't know me then maybe I can talk about a subject that's very personal and sensitive for me. I don't really have anyone else to say it to. I hope you don't mind the personal nature and the VERY long post. Ok here goes -    Piano has always been my love, a constant when times were tough, a focus and distraction when life can feel overwhelming. To summarise a VERY long story, and to give you a bit of background  my husband and I have been through a very long 10 year fertility journey , too many hospital visits, invasive tests, drug treatments, a few early pregnancy losses and recently when we though it was all going to work out for us losing beloved twin boys in the last stage of pregnancy about 16 months ago which was heartbreaking. I can't even express what a painful time it was. It was such a difficult time I also became severely ill and nearly died myself plus a bit of a recovery period, so you could say we've been through the mill. It was a terrible time. A constant throughout this was my piano. I truly believe it saved me and stopped me from feeling insane with grief. My husband is a runner, that's his way of dealing with the tough times and for me the piano is a place where I could go switch off and escape sad times for a bit. I started lessons again with a new brilliant teacher about 6 months after I lost the twins.. I just needed to get back to normal. We were playing Chopin and my teacher kept saying something was holding me back etc... She said 'you are not feeling it.. ' 'You need to connect with the emotion.'  I totally knew what she meant but my emotions were all over the place and I couldn't go there... ( I've always found Chopin to be be very emotional anyway) The next week again she was saying 'what's holding you back?' Well I just had a wobbly, burst into tears and mumbled something  about having a sh*t time , not really wanting to rehash it all. I had a good cry , she was lovely if a bit bemused, and we agreed to move on and focus on more upbeat pieces for the next while. I said to her 'but I like the sad ones!' Slightly joking but also I meant it... So here is my serious question. I know I am grieving, I had counselling after the loss and a lot of my sadness was a build up of 10 years of trying, waiting, hoping for a family then to lose it all again but my worry is that I'll never be able to let myself go enough to feel the emotion of a beautiful piece again. it's like I honestly feel my heart has been broken and my emotions are just so raw and exposed. I'm reminded of the pregnancy when I play. It was such the a happy time playing pieces for my boys to listen to in my belly but now I can't even listen to Clair de lune without breaking down into great sobs. I actually feel angry to be honest. The one escape I ever had, my music , and now it's been tainted with bad memories..it's like this trauma ( and all the years of stress) have affected so many areas of our life, i resent that it now takes away too the one thing that was my solace and comfort throughout all this!  Honestly some days I hear a piece of music or go to play and I just cry and cry and I don't want to be like this...!! I want to be able to play a Chopin nocturne for instance without being so overwhelmed. I've always been moved by music, I'm the girl that cries at the opera  ;)but these days it's the floodgates of tears. I know this is just grief, and I know time is a healer as they say but I sometimes worry that that's it...Are  my emotions are just too spent? How do you connect and feel the music but not fall apart? I was listening to Bach the other day and I just cried, it all seemed so perfect, so beautiful and I just lost it...  I feel like a big switch inside has just turned on my "super emotional state" and it might never be turned off again. I know some of you might suggest a break from piano, but like I said this bloody fertility journey has affected our lives so much, I resent that it affects my piano too and I'll be dammed if it's going to ruin that for me. It seems to be getting worse rather than better but to be honest I think fir a few months after it happened I was on autopilot and still in shock, maybe it's just all coming out now. 

[indianajo]

Okay, first, sorry about your problem with the hoped for children.  It happens.
I've have no children.  I've been overlooked by 99% of "normal" women probably because they think I'm a dwarf, with an odd face (I look like the Native American ancestors, tiny ones from Appalachia). The one woman I did find age 39 was too experienced with three children already.  She suffered an ectoscopic pregnancy which cost her the ovary. That's the end of that, no more tries. The tubes are scarred.  
I took out my resentment at my invisibility to women, by playing Beethoven.   Moonlight Sonata third movement is violent.  That's how I feel about that. Stinky old Beethoven (no baths, poor housekeeping too)  fancied some high status women and wrote special music for them, and they found him to be a low class servant type.  He poured that into compositions.   Some men buy a gun and shoot a lot of people, some men beat their wives,  I pound the piano. That is much more appropriate I believe.
When my Mother died after a long illness, the person I was closer to than anybody else on earth, I played a couple of her favorite hymns at her funeral, on the organ at the funeral home. That was very helpful to me I believed, and much better than the canned "music" funeral homes provide. I got criticized by my aunt for eating a sandwich before the 13:30 funeral, there was going to be plenty to eat afterwards when church people brought food to the house. She had just cleaned up the kitchen for all the visitors to see.   I was just trying to give a good performance, and had no clue about visitors to the house setting out a buffet.
I get emotional about music and weep frequently when I hear something beautiful. Odd for a male but I'm used to it.  It doesn't have anything to do with sadness, it is just what I do. Great musical beauty makes me weep.   I hope you have some of that.  
Chopin is quite emotional, he has some violence, so maybe he is a bit too stressful to cope with now. He wrote a lot of his stuff while involved with a woman who didn't or couldn't marry him.   JS Bach can be quite cerebral.  Dance music like Couperin and rennaissance pieces are a traditional way of passing the time pleasantly without huge emotional heights or depths.   Perhaps modern jazz like George Winston or the Lucy & Linus guy would be your nex thing.  Try something like that, IMHO.  Work it out with your teacher, perhaps she understands now that piano is a distraction from excess emotion for you, not so much a therapy tool to bring it out.  Sturm und Strang (romantic era music) all the time does not a calm person make.  
Finally, Chritianity is how we in my culture deal with the disappointments of life, also the high points.  Try it, you might like it.  I'm in a mainstream denomination, we shout amen occasionally and applaud, but we're not nearly as emotional as some other organizations. We don't insist on a lot of "signs" of salvation or being the elect.   About the way I like it.  I pray for people that need help, which is calming as meditation in other religions, but I don't pray  for dead people, and not for myself, except for forgiveness for my wants.  
Best of luck in your re-engagement with life.  
  

[louispodesta]

"So here is my serious question. I know I am grieving, I had counselling after the loss and a lot of my sadness was a build up of 10 years of trying, waiting, hoping for a family then to lose it all again but my worry is that I'll never be able to let myself go enough to feel the emotion of a beautiful piece again. it's like I honestly feel my heart has been broken and my emotions are just so raw and exposed."

Okay, in regards a specific part of your narrative, I have lived the entire narrative!
Before I address that part of your statement, I would preface my remarks by saying the following:

1)  My MD Doctor father was trained in classical piano in the 1930's, and he worked his way through college and medical school by playing Big Band and Broadway Show tunes (dcstudio!).

2)  Therefore, from the age of birth, that is all I heard in my home, and this was played every day at the same Baldwin Baby Grand that I practice on 3-4 hours a day at the age of 64.

3)  My father died from cancer over a five year period of time (when I was a teenager), and I was his private around the clock nurse for that last two weeks of his life.

So, when I hear this plight from the OP, I make the following experienced observations:

1)  When the love goes away, then the pain will go away, and that will never happen, and then

2)  Please treasure every day the gift of love of that this/her music has given you.

All of this is evidenced by your special experience shown forth with the honesty you have displayed in this post.

[iansinclair]

Thank you for that post.  Very few of us have the courage to come out in the open with that sort of thing!

I too find Chopin intensely emotional -- and I just let it go.  If I cry (and I'm a man) that's OK.  I allow myself to pour my soul into my playing, and it helps me a lot.

There are a few things I have tremendous trouble with; perhaps I will be able to do the again, perhaps not.  Notably the Faure Requiem, which I conducted for the funeral mass of my first real true love, who died very early and had the voice of an angel.  That was 15 years ago, and I still can't get all the way through it to perform (at least I can listen to it now, though).

So... I suppose the only thing I could say is allow yourself to be emotional, and express that through your music.

I second Indianajo's comments about Christianity; I too am a member of a mainstream denomination, and it has helped me tremendously -- but it may not be useful for you.  If it is, though, you could also try playing or listening to some really good Gospel music...

[bronnestam]

Dear tinyhands, I will send you a PM with some reflections on this, as it is a bit too private to share in public.
See you.

[lostinidlewonder]

Sorry for your loss tinyhands. Everyone deals and experience grief in a different way. I feel no matter what you do anything that helps you express your emotions is a way to release what builds within us. Playing a music instrument often allows us to express what we cannot really put into words, it allows us to control emotions or at least learn to comfortably yield to it in your case. The more you play the better you will become to cope with your painful emotions, it is a good ritual of rememberance also. One can feel if they control something so powerfully painful that it in some way disrespects the memory, that you've got over it you will forget the loss. You never forget and you always will feel pain forever, sometimes we need time to deal with our grief before anything else, finally being able to experience music again in a positive way might be a good sign that your deep grief has loosened its stranglehold on you.

[pianocat3]

I sent you a PM.

I am so sorry what has happened. I find playing Bach, learning theory, and playing technical exercises keep me in my thinking mind vs feeling.mind and I still make progress. I much prefer minor key, but many prefer major key, so I do spend some time on that. I think it is OK to tell your teacher you are having personal problems, and ask for other sorts of tasks for awhile. Take care.

[tinyhands]

Thank you everyone for your kind words and taking the time to reply and offer suggestions to help my situation. It means a lot . It was actually quite good to just get how I was feeling off my chest to likeminded people who have a passion for their music. When I had counselling I talked a bit about the music but I don't think the therapist really got how much the piano is a comfort for me, it's a friend to me and a refuge and I suppose that's the main point I was trying to make, I feel like my place of solace has been 'tainted' with sad thoughts, and also the hyper emotions that go with grief. But my rational head tells me that the wobbly times should pass I hope.i tried to explain to my husband who is a marathon runner how it would feel if every time he ran he broke down, and it stopped him from doing what he loved, I suppose that's how I was feeling with the sad memories to the tunes that I would love to play before I lost my sons.  It  seems a few of you find Chopin intensely emotional , good to know then it's not just me shedding a tear. 😋
@pianocat3  thank you for your lovely message I replied but don't know if it sent, ( not very good with technology!)

@Bronnestam I don't see a PM in my inbox is there a sub folder or anything?

@lostinidlewonder-lovely words thank you, yes I hope in time my sad memories will be replaced by the good ones, and I do think I need to deal with my grief first. I'm impatient to feel 'fixed' I suppose.
 
@iansinclair - thank you I'm also sorry for your loss in your past, that must have taken such strength to conduct at the funeral of your love. These pieces which we love dearly then have sad connotations but that's good you are able to listen to it again.

@louispodesta thank you for sharing your story, I liked your statement 'treasure every day the gift of love that music has given you'

@indianajo- thanks for your recommendations, maybe Chopin is still too emotional just now, I actually really love Vince Guaraldi ( Linus and Lucy) maybe I should lay off the Romantic period just now.. 😜I have been doing some Ragtime recently I do like that.

Also as two of you suggested about Christianity, I'm not a religious person,  whoever I have always been drawn to gospel music ever since I was young. I often hear the words to a song and I can find the words expressed comforting and you can draw strength from it. Also good to have a good cry to. 😘'precious Lord take my hand' by Mahalia Jackson is always a favourite.

[_david_]

Hi, I'm very sad for your loss and I hope that you find a way to live with the pain you feel and live your life happily. I was very moved by your post.
Just recently I returned to learning the piano after a gap of some twenty years. Used to play guitar too but lost all desire when my dad died 16 years ago at only 56. After losing the best friend I ever had too from my own stupidity and failure to recognise this I 'buried my head in the sand' as my family put it and put these things to the very darkest remote corner of my mind. However, after running over these events to utter despair recently I just felt I had to let it out. I bought an upright piano and in even the simplest little tune I've found some solace. Same as you,  I am drawn to the sad ones. I'm not sure I'll ever get over what troubles me but at least I have an outlet for my pain instead of bottling it all up.

All the best, David.
 

[dcstudio]

I am so sorry for your loss... I commend you on your bravery...that had to be tough.

it's true what they say.. it's the heartbreaks and failures that allow you to be able to connect in the first place... you will get a handle on it then it will pass through you and into the music... others will cry.    be thankful you feel and that you express it... so many don't.

I have been with my piano for 47 years.. through thick and thin it has stayed with me. It has saved me time and time again from complete insanity.   be thankful you have the piano...you know a joy that very few experience.

[louispodesta]

Re:  Tinyhands:

1)  "I can't even listen to Clair de lune without breaking down into great sobs."

My late father played this piece pretty much every day, since I was born.  Therefore, until ten years ago, I could not add this piece to my repertoire.

I assumed originally that this was not due to a lack of technical ability, but, emotionally, there was no way that I could due it.  Now, that I have, it has taken me almost ten years to master this piece.  It is very easy to play wrong, and it is correspondingly also very difficult to play it right, especially in regards my thesis. 

2)  "Also as two of you suggested about Christianity, I'm not a religious person."

Accordingly, stated as my opinion as a pianist/philosopher, is that the true essence of musical performance is spirituality.  That does not specify a particular traditional religion, although it most assuredly can.

The point is that when I play (most always Brahms), I am talking to God.  I have had to overcome small hands with thin spindly fingers and substantial health problems in order to play.  Therefore, my ability to make serious music encompasses in no uncertain terms a definite spiritual experience.

Why else, and what is anyone else's' purpose for being on this earth?

[bronnestam]

 

@Bronnestam I don't see a PM in my inbox is there a sub folder or anything?

 

No, I was just late with my reply. But now you should have it in your Inbox.

[bernadette60614]

I hear you.  In the last five years:  both my in-laws died after long battles with cancer, my mother descended into dementia and finally died last year, and my brother killed himself.  Essentially, all my close family members are gone (my father died of cardiovascular disease a few years before.) 

I know that loss is part of life, but I wish that it wasn't all a concentrated part of my life!

What has helped me to keep my balance:

Meditation.  I meditate every day:  10 minutes in the a.m., and 10 minutes in the evening. It is just sitting quietly with my eyes closed and repeating a one word mantra silently and listening to my breathing.  It has taken about 6 months for me to feel that "aha...all is good" feeling, but it has happened.

I play what I can connect with.  I don't play Chopin, because for me, that's just too much right now  I do play Bach, which can be quiet soulful and soul stirring, but for some reason for me in a more healing way, early Beethoven and Mozart.  I do spend 30 minutes each day studying theory.

Music is there how you need it.  I don't need Chopin right now, I need Bach, Beethoven and Mozart. 

You can put Chopin aside...his music will be there when you are ready.

[louispodesta]

I have put this out there before, but in that my health is back and forth every day, I do not have the energy to restate "in Forum," what I have said before.  Therefore, dear soul, please contact me by PM, and I will specifically address your problem.

I will not offer you total happiness and salvation.  However, as a scientific empiricist philosopher, I will tell you what has worked for me and many others (the key word being science).

Speaking from personal experience, this allows one to:  1) Be very cognizant of their serious emotional problem, and 2) also to be able to function daily, not only at the piano, but also in everyday life. 

[tenk]

I have something to sell you. Contact me via pm for the latest wares I'm hawking.

Went ahead and fixed that for you.

[pjjslp]

I am so sorry for your loss. I sent you a PM. Please let me know if you didn't receive it. (Not selling anything, I promise!)